Star's Diary

S

Star3

New member
I'm starting off this diary at 5'4, 134 pounds, and 19 years old.
My goal is to lose 25 pounds, putting me at 109.
My real goal, however, is to build myself into a healthy lifestyle.

Today's Food Diary:
Around 12:30 -
Chicken on half a dinner roll - 150 cals?
3 mints - 75 cals?
Around 8 -
A bite of a pumpkin bar dessert - 100 cals?
One small tomato, sliced with salt - 35 cals
Maybe 1/5 a cucumber sliced, with salt - 20 cals?
About 5 jalapeno slices - 5 cals?
About 5 banana pepper slices - 5 cals?
About 5 pickle slices - 5 cals?
Smarties - 25 cals

All drinks were water and diet green tea.

All in all, that should put me at roughly 500 calories for the day, leaving some room for underestimated food.
I realize this is not a great diet, but it's more than I'm used to, so cut me some slack here ;) I'm building myself up to health. This diet won't make me lose weight at all, as of yet.

I also took 2 multivitamins, but I got sick shortly after (around 5pm so that doesn't really affect my eating or calories), so I took another after that.
 
Hi Star.
When you said you realize your "diet" wont allow you to take off weight, were you meaning you want to increase the healthy foods in order to get the metabolism going and thus resulting in weight loss, or that you feel you need to further reduce the calories to take off the weight. I really hestitated in posting you to ask this question because I truly do not want it to come across as a judgement on you, as I undertand you are battling what you refer to as a "eating disorder", and I would like to understand more what is happening for you.
 
I'm honestly currently attempting to build up my calories even higher, while still maintaining my current weight. Once I can eat a decent ammount of calories, then I'll attempt to lower my caloric intake to loss weight, but for now, my focus is on eating healthy enough while not going too overboard for my body.
I only mentioned that I won't loss weight by eating like this so that no one would assume I was eating too few calories in order to drop a few pounds. My weight remains at a steady 134, and I am slowly building up to allow my body more food.

Today, I weighed in at 134, as usual.
Lunch was at 12 and basically was cucumber and tomato slices again, with some salt (I know I should cut down on the salt, but for now, I'm not going to focus too much on it)
I'll probably eat a bit more relatively soon, however.
I have also taken a couple vitamins already for the day.

Just discovered my measurements:
37-25-34
I'm not sure how to feel about them. LOL
 
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if i may make a suggestion, don't add the calories to individual meals ... add the calories in between ... it's easier for your body to cope with the extra calories, and therefor, u can increase your intake faster
 
Okay, thanks :) I'd been attempting lowfat granola bars and similar things randomly in between meals, but sometimes, I just can't convince myself to do so. I've added vegetables and fruit often.
I think my best caloricc intake I've achieved was during points where I wasn't eating set meals, but instead grazed a bit through the day, eating a pluot at some point, some light n' fit yogurt at another, some veggies at yet another, some peanuts and raisins randomly...
I belive you're probably right. Is there a specific backing for eating more often producing better effects?
Also, what other lighter snacks are good to add into my diet?
Air popped popcorn and unsweetened apple sauce are sometimes things I use, and I've debated getting some of those little circles of cheese, to sort of bump my calcium and calories...
Any suggestions?

I'm now eating a second meael today - about half the size of my lunch, but the same foods - cucumber and tomato and too much salt, lol
 
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Actually, it's been scientifically proven that eating 6 meals a day is better than 3 of equal size. This is because your metabolism keeps going for the whole day instead of starting and stopping for specific meals.
 
okay :) I'll have to try and keep that up then, eating a little bit every few hours. Thanks!
-------
My boyfriend convinced me that a Slim Fast bar will make a much better dinner than even more veggies, and so it looks like that's the plan for dinner, making my calories more reasonable.
 
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Whew I am so relieved to hear that you are trying to build the calories. I really really really commend you for being so open and honest about the issues you have had with food and body image, as it is my belief that acknowledging the problem is the main part of the solution. So basically you are working on two issues 1. getting to a point where the body can eat well and not gain any weight, 2. stabilizing that and then once you are eating balanced you want to reach a different healthy goal weight. I am confident you will over come all of this as you appear to be a bright young lady with a bright future ahead of herself.
 
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that post means to, honestly. And those are exactly what I am doing.

My final calories and meals for the day are as follows:

Tomato and cucumber slices - some around 12 and a few more around 3 - about 100 calories
Slim Fast bar - around 4:30 or 5 - 220 calories
About 3oz white meat skinless turkey breast, a spoonful of mashed potatoes, 4 noodles of macaroni, half a biscuit - maybe 600 cals?
This puts me at over 900 calories for the day, which is rather high for what I've been doing. I'm hoping that my weight remains the same and I can eat like this more often.
I have to confess, I did take a couple laxatives earlier today. Not so much as a relapse, but I genuinely needed them, at least in some way. I suppose I'm not really fully better, but I'm getting there. I hope by confessing this, I'm forced to look back at it and realize that I shouldn't do this anymore.
 
I gained 2 pounds. Putting me at 136.
*sigh*
I can't sleep. I'm making myself MISERABLE about it. I'm trying so hard to just get over this, I really am, but it sucks that I just can't sometimes...
Worst of it is, I want to just stop eating again.
I won't...I'll try my damn best not to...
*sigh*
 
as you know the problem is deep in your head...its awful when you have to live with that food reminder constantly switched on in your brain everyday, every minute....when food is no more a normal part of your life but an issue, enemy, st that fills all your thoughts eventhoug you are thinking about st else...I remember the time of my life when I was counting every baby carrot, writting down single bite I took, and than ate all I possibly could and vomit even 6 times a day and swearing to my self that starting from tommorow I wont eat more than 1200 cal a day, I did exercise every day in a gym for 2 hours eventhoug I was weaker than a fly, I had horrible depresion, was cold and sad, and anything I ate made me feel guilty...sometimes I told myself OK lets be normal about the food, but I couldnt I would have to eat very fast so my brain wouldnt recognize how bad I was, so I was hystericaly eating everything on the table "as the normal person" and constantly thinking about it in my stomach (and couldnt live with it so I threw up) and how horrible it will effect my body when I wake up in the morning...every morning first thing I did was to touch my belly and thighs whether they are still the same size, I was so affraid that my body can change totaly over nite...I was fighting with it for a long time and the problem was that when I was trying to get rid off the throwing up problem I considered as the normal state of being to eat just a little bit so I would be loosing weight....Im quite ok now but not realy, since food is still a big issue for me and I do still spend an inadequate portion of my life thinking about it....the problem is not the food, its not your body...its your mind, your life...try to think what in your life makes you feel bad, that you rather would not think about it (by finding the food etc as a problem you might be just substituting the problem it self....for expl I dont want to think about how bad Im at school, that I dont believe Im ever gonna be succesful in my life etc. but I dont want to think about it, I want to find something else in my life that will be a real problem so I dont have to deal with the essential problems....perhaps thats right? I dont know, maybe its totally wrong idea maybe not....it might be something totaly different but to step aside and look at it from a bit outside possition could be a nice way to start).....what about if you stop weighting your self everyday? 2 pounds is totaly nothing if you were in Europe you would say 1kilo (doesnt it sounds much better?) and no way you would find out you gained 1 kilo just by looking at yourself and it wouldnt stressed you, you could have had a good nite sleep and better day after...you have to eat or you die, thats the only basic true in this story you have...and that you live is the most importatnt fact in your life, since without it it wouldnt be life at all....the most important thing in your life is yourself ....and yourself is happy only as a healthy yourself.....yourself has to eat not to be skinny.......I hope all this makes some sence, Im sorry it is so long but thats all me when I start writting I just writte and writte and after half hour realize I should stop since people dont have whole afternoon to bite through my letter.....so I will keep my fingers crossed for you
 
Ya know, another big problem I notice is that we all need to take a look in the mirror when we say this stuff to eachother. I mean before I was worried about eating three oreos and you told me that's not a big deal. Now I'm gonna tell you that TWO POUNDS is NOTHING, dude! Nothing! Look how much weight you've lost in the big picture. Two pounds comes and goes like that! I wish I only had to worry about two pounds. I have to start thinking of stuff like this, as I would with a test in school. Okay, so I didn't do so well on this test...it's over and done with and the weight is lifted off my shoulders. I just have to work for the next one. So u know what, u gained two pounds...oops. Now just say, well, maybe next time I shouldn't have that oreo cookie (yeah, I guess that would be me... :p ) or I should have worked out that one day, so I won't miss it again. Two pounds will be gone by the end of the week. But i totally understand the frustration. Nothing worse than when you're trying to lose weight and the number goes up, even if it's a small bit. We just gotta learn to get over things. I'm going to try too. I'm not soooio good at it, but if u'll try, I'll make the commitment to try. Cheers!
 
*hugs*
Thanks :)
I'm actually calmed down a good deal.
Today, I had turkey for breakfast
Tomatoes and Cucumbers for lunch
And a mini cookie as a snack. My friends went to Mrs. Fields and the guy behind the counter offered it for free, and who can refuse free? ;)

Plus, I went to the doctors today and they weighed me in at 126. I knew my scale was a bit off, but 10 pounds is like...a huge relief....
So, I think my goal is going to go down to just losing 15 pounds or so :)

And, yay!! My scale reads 134 again, meaning I'm probably closer to 124 on a docors scale (I had "fixed" my scale at my low weight so I'd never read under 90)

I had 1 and a half cups of whole wheat pasta for dinner, which should push me to a decent calorie count today :)
 
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I'm so glad everything turned out okay! Yay for you! Look at all the weight you lost!! That's incredible. Just be careful not to go too much more. 125 is the average for your age and height, so not too much more, okay? I would worry if you fell back into old habits and wanted to go too far. But no more negative. Congrats and keep up with the good work! I'm inspired to actually try and eat healthy...soon :p
 
Ok checking in on ya...and just want to say "way to go girl". You made it another day, you ate more and your succeeded at your goal!!!!!!!!
 
I somewhat avoided food today until dinner time, where I actually ate a rather large meal...
One Chick Fil A small kids meal with a Diet Dr. Pepper
A small slice of cheesecake
a couple lindor truffles
 
I have to put my two cents in....I think you would feel better (both), if you ate throughout the day... remember what AllCdnBoy wrote...better to 'graze' all day to keep your metabolism going. You also wouldn't eat too much in any one sitting that you might fall into the trap of feeling bad about eating.
 
Hope everything is going ok for you. We are thinking of you here!
 
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