somethingnew987
New member
Well, it's been a good long while since I've been on these boards, but I was most successful when I was on these boards, so its worth a shot again. I can't believe I was so close to 200lbs before. Last August I was 211lbs right before I left the country to study abroad. I had worked my way there through sweat and tears from my high of 280lbs.
I'm now up to 259lbs as of an hour ago when I weighed myself. I'll do an official weigh in tomorrow morning and change my ticker. A good part of the reason for the weight gain is that my depression got the best of me. When I was eating so healthily, I was a vegetarian and eating mostly organic. I wanted to cleanse my body as fully as I could so I stopped taking medicines. I think I was totally fine while I was eating well, but once I got to Scotland, partied more, ate a lot of fish and chips (though still not gaining any weight because of all the walking), I began to feel myself hitting that all too familiar wall (after being in scotland for about 2 months). Soon, the depression had fully descended and it brought along with it some serious panic attacks. I didn't have my meds with me because I hadn't been taking them for months. So, for quite a while I struggled with my inner demons, trying to beat them away with any kind of food I could get my hands on. I would buy a packages of cookies and eat the entire thing in a night. I lived off of pasta, rice, and kabobs. It seemed like all I wanted was to feel FULL. Like I was always missing something and by at least filling myself up and not feeling any hunger, I would feel a little bit better. I finally got back on meds, but the depression didn't fully lift. By this time I was about to go home and I was regretful that I had wasted some of my time there in my room eating cookies, and was somewhat homesick. I continued my horrid ways, though not to quite the same extreme extent. For the past year I have continued to battle the depression (especially anxiety) and food has continued to be my outlet.
So, here I am....259lbs. I'm glad I haven't yet reached the point that most people do who lose weight and then relapse....gaining back more weight than they had originally lost. i am still about 20lbs under my highest weight.
I am a senior in college and I want to start LIVING. I am sick of letting so many things remind me that I cannot live like a normal person. I can't sit on a guys lap, I can't fit into a lot of roller coasters, I'm uncomfortable in planes (it was so nice when I went to Scotland on the plane, I didn't feel like the people sitting next to me where horrified they had to sit next to me, and the seatbelt had no problem accomadating my hips). I'm sick of assuming I'm not "good" enough in the physical sense for a guy to like me. I know I'm not ugly, but I also know that people do have an initial reaction to the way someone looks, and it would take a very special kind of guy to be attracted to me. I want to be able to flirt shamelessly without fearing the guy will be uncomfortable or outright reject me. I want to be able to borrow my friend's clothes. They aren't super tiny themselves. Most of them are around a size 10-12, so it wouldn't be out of the picture for this wish to someday be true.
I know, I know...I should give the most important reason of all. I want to be healthy. This is true, but the other things are so much more dominant in everyday life, they remind you with everything you do. I do care about my health. I know how to diet healthily. I know to not starve myself. To not live off of pre-packaged meals. I do care about my body and I plan on pursuing a similar plan to what I did before. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go vegetarian like I did before, but meat will be kept to a minimal and will mostly consist of fish, chicken, and turkey.
So here's to another shot at this. Here's to beating the statistics. Here's to trying to live life to the fullest (as much as I've heard before, I personally cannot see myself living life to the fullest unless I am at a reasonable weight), here's to not dying of a heart attack before 40, here's to not living a lonely life in part because of what i mentioned before and in part because I'm not comfortable enough with myself at a high weight, here's to being happy.....
I'm now up to 259lbs as of an hour ago when I weighed myself. I'll do an official weigh in tomorrow morning and change my ticker. A good part of the reason for the weight gain is that my depression got the best of me. When I was eating so healthily, I was a vegetarian and eating mostly organic. I wanted to cleanse my body as fully as I could so I stopped taking medicines. I think I was totally fine while I was eating well, but once I got to Scotland, partied more, ate a lot of fish and chips (though still not gaining any weight because of all the walking), I began to feel myself hitting that all too familiar wall (after being in scotland for about 2 months). Soon, the depression had fully descended and it brought along with it some serious panic attacks. I didn't have my meds with me because I hadn't been taking them for months. So, for quite a while I struggled with my inner demons, trying to beat them away with any kind of food I could get my hands on. I would buy a packages of cookies and eat the entire thing in a night. I lived off of pasta, rice, and kabobs. It seemed like all I wanted was to feel FULL. Like I was always missing something and by at least filling myself up and not feeling any hunger, I would feel a little bit better. I finally got back on meds, but the depression didn't fully lift. By this time I was about to go home and I was regretful that I had wasted some of my time there in my room eating cookies, and was somewhat homesick. I continued my horrid ways, though not to quite the same extreme extent. For the past year I have continued to battle the depression (especially anxiety) and food has continued to be my outlet.
So, here I am....259lbs. I'm glad I haven't yet reached the point that most people do who lose weight and then relapse....gaining back more weight than they had originally lost. i am still about 20lbs under my highest weight.
I am a senior in college and I want to start LIVING. I am sick of letting so many things remind me that I cannot live like a normal person. I can't sit on a guys lap, I can't fit into a lot of roller coasters, I'm uncomfortable in planes (it was so nice when I went to Scotland on the plane, I didn't feel like the people sitting next to me where horrified they had to sit next to me, and the seatbelt had no problem accomadating my hips). I'm sick of assuming I'm not "good" enough in the physical sense for a guy to like me. I know I'm not ugly, but I also know that people do have an initial reaction to the way someone looks, and it would take a very special kind of guy to be attracted to me. I want to be able to flirt shamelessly without fearing the guy will be uncomfortable or outright reject me. I want to be able to borrow my friend's clothes. They aren't super tiny themselves. Most of them are around a size 10-12, so it wouldn't be out of the picture for this wish to someday be true.
I know, I know...I should give the most important reason of all. I want to be healthy. This is true, but the other things are so much more dominant in everyday life, they remind you with everything you do. I do care about my health. I know how to diet healthily. I know to not starve myself. To not live off of pre-packaged meals. I do care about my body and I plan on pursuing a similar plan to what I did before. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go vegetarian like I did before, but meat will be kept to a minimal and will mostly consist of fish, chicken, and turkey.
So here's to another shot at this. Here's to beating the statistics. Here's to trying to live life to the fullest (as much as I've heard before, I personally cannot see myself living life to the fullest unless I am at a reasonable weight), here's to not dying of a heart attack before 40, here's to not living a lonely life in part because of what i mentioned before and in part because I'm not comfortable enough with myself at a high weight, here's to being happy.....
