Siirike starts again... for the last time!

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siirike

New member
Hi, I´m Siirike, I´m 23 years old and desperately need to lose weight (sounded a bit like an AA-meeting...). First of all, I apologize for my English - it´s not my native lng, so if I say something stupid accidentally, be kind :D

Okay, as many of us here, I´ve been fat for all my life. It started as a child when my dad brought home all kinds of sweet stuff and spoilt me. I´m the youngest child and all my siblings had left home already so I had to eat that all up by myself. And of course I did. The sad thing is that though I don´t live at home any more, he always has tons of chocolate and ice cream waiting for me when I go visit him and mom. And damn, that´s hard to resist!

As a teenager, I started to try all kinds of diets and stuff, but never had enough patience. So I´ve been basically tried to lose weight for ten years now. When I think back now, I was never actually that fat to feel bad about it, but I still did. My biggest weight was around 173 lbs and I´m 5 ft 7, so it was not that bad at all, just a bit soft here and there. Compared to what I am now, at least...

Last spring I gained over 20 lbs. I was graduating from university then and damn, that was hard! I didn´t know till the very end if I´m gonna make it and if I finally did, it was such a relief I didn´t hold back on anything. Cakes, pizzas, burgers, looots of meat, ice cream, chocholate... I also quit a job where I had to stand and walk a lot and there I was - stressed, tired, no excercise and awful appetite. After graduating I felt that I needed a reward and instead of buying something nice for myself or going somewhere with my boyfriend, I only sat and ate. When my mother tried to tell me that I should cut back a little, I only got angry and said that it´s nobody´s business to judge me because of my weight.

... Until I stepped on a scale... 196 lbs!!! :eek: I had never been so big! And the weird part is that I really don´t feel I´m that big. Only the clothes don´t fit and photos are awful...

So now I´ve decided to finally lose that fat and become pretty, sexy, healthy and happy :D We´re gonna have our 4th anniversary on April 22 and I´m gonna look awesome! Okay, I´ve actually thought like that 3 previous years also and never succeeded, but THIS time... :D

About 5-6 years ago in high school men were all around me.. I mean, staring on streets and asking out and all that :D Now no one looks at me when I go somewhere and no man has wanted to come up to me for a long time. Don´t get me wrong, I don´t want to meet anyone, I´ve got a fantastc boyfriend and I´m really happy with him, but... It would me nice to feel sexy and pretty again. And I´m reaaaally sorry for my boyfriend. He started dating with a pretty girl and now he has a desperate housewife + 25 pounds of fat. I´d really like to give him back the girl he met. He´s wonderful and has always said that it doesn´t matter to him how much I weigh, but I remember the look in his eyes when I was smaller...

So I decided to try again. First of all, because of myself, cause I really don´t feel good about myself right now and meeting people I haven´t met for a long time is a real nightmare. AND I get so tired from just walking a bit faster that it starts to become scary. And most of all - if I can´t get myself together and lose that damn fat, I´ll diet, worry and feel bad for the rest of my life. I´ve already wasted ten years of my life feeling bad about myself... it can´ t go on like this forever.

First of all, I plan to make a little fruit-and-veggie diet for a week to get me started and then follow the WW program. Lots of water of course and lots of walking. When my school starts again in mid Feb, I´ll just walk there and back every day (about 1.5 hours). If I have time, of course. For now, I´ll just have to figure smth else out, but my weekly "dose" is 7 hours of walking. This far, I´ve done 1.5 :) And exercise! That´s the hardest part...

I also took pictures of myself and promised to take new ones same time every month to follow my progress. I´ll post them here in my diary even if I haven´t lost a single pound, just to keep me on track. We´ll see :D

Ow, and I wanted to say that I LOVE this pound-system! :D We use kg-s here where I live, but I calculate my results into pounds for this site just because the numbers go down so much faster with pound-system and it´s so motivating! Or maybe it´s just because it´s a new thing and I´m excited :p

Anyway, good luck to all of us! :D
 
Okay, the first day of my fruit and veggie diet went pretty well. I ate way too many grapes (over a kg.) and forgot to drink 2 glasses of water, but soup made it up, I guess.
i can´t remember when I last walked more than 30 minutes a day. Today it was an hour and would have been more, but I didn´t have enough time and had to take a bus. A good start, anyway :)
I really hope i´ll get to the excercises tomorrow. it´s so hard to start when you can only do it for two minutes and then collapse on a floor and swear never to touch that damn machine again. But I´m brave and gonna do it anyway :D
 
Starting an exercise program can be really hard, but it will get a lot easier if you just take it slow at first and stick to it.
It's always easiest for me to carry my water around with me everywhere (I'm completely addicted to ice water though, I drink a LOT), if you have water at hand all the time you end up drinking it more often without even thinking about it. If you're out a lot, carry a water bottle (especially on your walks), keep a glass of water next to you on the desk while you're on the computer, keep one with you while you watch TV, wherever you go keep some water with you. If you can easily see it, you'll be reminded to drink some a lot more often.
Good luck, keep it up!
 
Thanks Bethyness, i followed your advice and took a large bottle of water with me when watching TV and it is almost empty now. :) We have this weird weather here right now (supposed to be winter, but there has been no snow for months, only heavy wind and rain) so that walking and drinking cold water would probably make me ill straight away, but I´ll start carrying water with me when it gets warmer ;) Aa, and "here" means Estonia :p

Anyway, another day, another pound :D My boyfriend changed scale battery today so I have no idea what it´s gonna show tomorrow morning... Hope the change is towards smaller numbers :rolleyes:

I walked 1.5 hrs today, but had no time for exercise. I really MUST start with it tomorrow! But as for walking, i´ve done it 3 hrs. this week and there´s still 4 more days to go, so getting done these 7 hours of walking I promised shouldn´t be a big problem ;)

Eating was also pretty much under control, to leave out these couple of pancakes I had. It didn´t make me feel any better and I almost forgot them when I thought about my today´s menu, so there was absolutely no point in eating them. I wasn´t even hungry! :mad:

I´m going to dentist tomorrow and don´t even want to think about it. The only good thing is that maybe I´ll not be able to eat for a while :p
 
Okay, another weighing! It was exactly the same as yesterday, so changing the battery didn´t change the results :D Yeeah! :D

Okay, off to the dentist now... :eek:
 
Well, I´m definitely gonna lose some weight this year. Considering the sum of money I´m gonna leave to the dentist in the next couple of months there´s no money left for food :p

Anyway, I walked 2.5 hrs today (half of it in a pouring rain. Nice winter we´ve got here :rolleyes: ) and exercised for 15 minutes. It would have been more but my boyfriend got home from work and I feel kinda silly to work out in front of him.

So, out of these 7 hrs I promised to walk this week, I´ve done 5.5 and there´s still 3 days left :)

Eating has been 100% under control today. AND I said no when my boyfriend offered me chocolate :D
 
I ate a little bit too much today, but healthy stuff, so I hope it´s okay.

Anyway, I´ve completed 7 hours of walking I planned for this week in 5 days! :D It´s gonna be tough tomorrow cause my granny has a bithday and there´s no way I´m gonna get away with two apples and a grape :p

We´ll see.
Going to watch TV now.
 
Okay, results of the first week:

Weight loss - 4 lbs (196 to 192)
Water - about 1l a day, need to work on that
Walking - about 7.5 hours
Exercising - only 15 minutes, that´s gotta change ;)
Feelings, thoughts, mood - great! :) I feel kinda optimistic right now and believe I can achieve my goal if I only stick to my plan and think positive. I´ve done well this week :)
 
Congrats on your weight loss so far! I wouldn't stress too much on the water, it's hard to drink a lot if you aren't used to it, just try to ease into drinking more and more--I can imagine it'd feel overwhelming trying to drink so much more all at once.

And yeah, I feel strange working out in front of people too. I don't mind so much at the gym (I don't have a membership anymore, I used to go to the YMCA, but I can't afford that anymore--I miss it so much) because the other people aren't going to be watching me, they're concentrating on their own exercise, but exercising in front of someone who's not exercising or in one of the gyms that's all windows and passersby can just stand around and watch, that kind of creeps me out.
 
Yeah, especially when I´m all sweaty and exhausted and look like a fish and then people come and watch me exercise :( I´m fat enough as it is, don´t at least watch me without my make-up :p (That doesn´t apply to my boyfriend, of course, but still.. I look pretty funny exercising and not the good way)

Anyway, I went to see my parents this weekend and there were couple of things my father said that really shocked me. He´s a tall man, about 6 ft 6 (hope I calculated right :D) and he occasionally steps on a scale, though he´s always been in shape. 196 pounds! :eek: That´s where I started from a couple of weeks ago and I´m freakin 5 ft 7! My big and tall dad weighs the same as me!
Later in the evening he saw a commercial on TV where a woman said she´s lost 37 pounds and dad´s comment was: she must have had a really tough life, it must be awful to carry so much weight around you. Khm. Yeah. Hey, dad, I´ve got 50 pounds to lose! Okay, so there´s 30 pounds to go to reach my normal weight, but what´s the difference? I didn´t even notice how fat I´ve become.

So here comes the second week.
And I´ll be good! :D
 
Gosh, it´s beautiful outside! Snow, sun, -15 degrees, everything´s so peaceful and white. Finally! :D
So I went for a walk, though it was only for an hour until a friend called and said he´s coming to visit. But it´s better than nothing! :)
 
I really shouldn´t weigh myself every day, it´s starting to get depressing. 0.2 pounds in four absolutely perfect days is... well, nothing. If it goes on like this maybe I´ll even get thin by the time my last grandchild goes to college...
But I have to keep in mind that wanting everything and fast is the reason all my previous attempts have failed. It´s better to lose 0.2 lbs a week than gain it.

About exercise... well, I still haven´t done any. That´s bad.
But I´ve walked 4 hours this week and there´s still 3 hours and 4 days to go. No problem with that :)

Yesterday I started thinking about my lifestyle and figured it´s not that bad after all :) I don´t smoke (never tried and probably never will), occasionally drink a glass of wine (maybe once in every three or four monts), don´t drink soda, eat the stuff that comes from my own garden, spend a lot of time in the fresh air (I mean fresh as forest fresh, not the stuff you breathe in a big city) and don´t eat junk food more than maybe twice a year. There are no major stress factors in my life and if things get a bit too tough I can always go and take a walk in nature, talk about it with someone or spend some quality time with family or friends. Helps :) AND with pets and boyfriend like these you spend at least half an hour a day laughing like crazy anyway.
It´s only that damn weight that prevents me from living a completely healthy life.
But that problem can be fixed :rolleyes:

So I´m happy after all :D
 
I lost a pound! :D

Actually that´s not so important. The important thing is my BMI dopped to 29.9, so I´m not "obese" anymore, just "overweight"!!! :D
Well, you gotta be happy for the small things, aye?
 
Hei, Siirike!
I read your diary and I wish you the best of luck in achieving your goals! And all the determination that you need since luck is never enough!
I sympathise especially with the fact that you never thought of having excess weight, I've had the same situation. Somehow it's still difficult to see myself in the mirror as being overweight.. Photographs are a different story alltogether. :eek:
Judging from the weather conditions you mentioned in one of your posts, you're actually somewhere in my part of the woods, today some degrees under zero, windy and snowing, tomorrow down to -10?? So, it'll take some serious clothes to go out for a walk. And walking IS exercise, isn't it?
Go for it!!
Best wishes,
Juliette
 
Thanks guys :) It´s so great to see that someone is actually keeping track of how I´m doing...

Yep, Juliette, I live in Estonia, so we´re in the same area :) We finally got some winter here, all that rain and fog was so depressing... I´d like to go skiiing as long as we have this beautiful weather, but need to get skis somewhere. We´ll see :rolleyes:

Anyway, we seem to be in the same boat. I just CAN´T believe I´ve gotten so fat! Couple of days ago I accidentally took my old winter coat instead of the new one and tried to put it on (they look quite the same)... Oooh... I could hardly button it! And 2 years ago there was no problem putting 5 layers of clothing under it and then top it with a coat.

About this exercising-stuff... well, I couldn´t find a name for this exercise I´m doing (standing on two metal plates on top of each other and moving from side to side with a waist :p ) so I thought I´d just call it exercise. Actually I should say "no exercise besides walking" or smth like that and I´ll probably make up a name for it (exercise X or smth :p ). Anyway, I did it 20 minutes yesterday and walked 0.5 hours.
 
But now about the results of the second week... ouch.

Weight loss - 1 lousy pound (from 192 to 191). Total 6 pounds.
Water - less than 1l a day, khmm
Walking - about 4.5 hours = 3 hours less than I should have had
Exercise X - 20 minutes (need to do sooo much more)
Feelings, thoughts, mood - what was I thinking? No wonder I only lost 1 pound! Bad week.
Anyway, my boyfriend had a birthday so eating was pretty much out of control the whole weekend.
The only good thing about this week is that my BMI dropped and I´m officially "overweight" now, not "obese".

Last night I totally broke down and fell asleep crying. My boyfriend started cuddling and I just couldn´t bear him touching me! I felt so fat and ugly and so absolutely and utterly hopeless about ever going to lose this fat I just couldn´t help myself. I thought of all these previous times I had tried (all those ten years) and failed and how the only result has been becoming even more fatter and even more depressed... And how desperately I want to feel better and beautiful for once in my life. And every time I fail I believe less and less in my heart I´m ever going to make it. Oooh... Anyway, I think this is the first time he really understood HOW bad and desperate I feel about the way I look. He knew it before but thought I was just whining more than actually meaning it. And I´m really starting to doubt that he´ll love me just the same if I´d gain another 50 pounds. He says he does and I know he means it, but for how long? He can´t put up with a sad ugly fat woman with no self-confidence forever...
Oh geez. Just do it, girl.
 
So I decided to keep on fighting with my mood changes and weaknesses on a road to a better, happier, prettier me. No one can lose weight for me, I´m gonna have to do it myself. there´s so many people here who´ve lost 100 pounds and more, and I´m whining about my 50. Of course I can do it.

So I´ve set my exercising goals for this week - 7 hours of walking, 3 hours of this "exercise X" :p and jogging, even if it´s only 3 minutes. A start anyway.

So far I´ve done 45 minutes of walking and 20 minutes of "exercise X".
 
Hello there, Siirike!
Thanks for your kind words in my diary, it's nice to see someone is actually reading it besides me..
I read your last two posts above.. I'm SOOOO sure that you can make it. You sound determined enough!
I'm just a bit uncertain of the demands you set on yourself. 7+3 hours of exercise in a week?? That's hard for anyone.. I'm not saying you couldn't do it, but I think you're making this kind of hard for yourself...
Since you are the only one who really knows you, you know what works for you, but here's what I would do if I were you:
Goal for a week:
3 times 60 and 4 times 30 minutes walking (makes 5 hours total)
6 times 10 minutes of your mysterious exercise X (60 minutes total)
14 times 1-2 minutes jogging (that's two jogging sprints during all your walks), and I mean only 1-2 min at a time!!!
It's not much less than your original goal, it still makes 6 hours/week, but if you think about it, it's only 30 minutes more walking than you actually already did last week, so it's very doable. Some more excercise, but in shorter bits (easier to get yourself started, if you know it's over soon..) ;)
It's always wise to set goals which you are very likely to reach, and can so get the wonderful and inspiring satisfaction of reaching them instead of the depressing disappointment of failing. When you've reached this goal, then set the next weeks goal a bit further, and believe in being able to reach it.
And when you do reach it, you feel that you are already able to do better this week than last week. That's a very good feeling and it's so much easier to keep yourself on track loosing weight if you feel good!! And you can keep on upping your goals every week that follows.
Since you are so sure of wanting to loose weight, make it easy for yourself, and you'll succeed! :)
Best wishes,
Juliette
 
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