Shreds of my Insanity.

WakeN Bake Girl

WakeN Bake Girl

New member
im very complex. no one seems to understand me, and i kinda have to mold myself to be a certain way when im around others. ive always called myself the exception to the fat girl rule. im a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body. it disgusts me. ive always managed to have lots of friends. however, being a fatty my whole life has really brought me down. these days, i feel like my friends are only friends with me because of ulterior motives. i know LOTS of ppl, but i only have like 5-8 friends that i see on the regular and are my tru homefries. i often feel like my weight has something to do with this. my confidence sometimes is out the roof, but mostly i am tucked away quietly wallowing in anxiety. either way i am at the moment, no one seems to dig anymore, its a fucking catch 22.

i like the idea of posting my personal struggles on this site, i most likely will not run into anyone who knows me, meaning i can talk shit about all the bad ppl in my life who i know are fucking me. basically, i live alone. im 21 years old and ive been living in my parents house alone since january of 07'. they moved to florida to maintain their vacation condo management rental business [or whatever u wanna call it]. they HAVE the live there or they will get swindled. so that leaves me here...alone. one of my brothers lives about 40 mins away and my other brother lives down in florida and helps my parents. the reason i stay here is because my mom used to breed and raise exotic birds [cockatoos, cockatiels, and yellow nape amazons]. yes....im the bird lady, and i love my birds. we have a small aviary, 10 birds, it sucks. so yeah, im stuck here tending to the flock [pun intended] while my parents live and work in paradise.

i really wasnt ready to be living on my own when they had left. i was under the impression that they'd be back soon, but business started picking up BIG TIME! i didnt realize how lonely i would be....how much i really need my mom. after that, the pounds started packin...on top of pounds. i attempted eating raw for a while, didnt work out to well. i just cant get the the grocery store that ofen, and my pallet just craves warm food. if i had a food dehydrator and a vitamix, id probably be at my goal weight right now, but money is an issue.

i dont work at the moment. i was working at a spa that was only job i ever actually LOVED, but i got canned for no reason. honestly, no reason. im still unaware of why i lost my job. i was there for about 7 months, and i was pretty much their little bitch. i had never called in sick or done anything wrong causing them money or clients, i was a very dedicated employee, i really loved my job. i often feel like i was let go because of my weight. i was the heaviest person in the building, and my job required lots of moving around the building and running around doing stuff. <shrugs> its hard to explain.

im just sick of it, im sick and tired of hauling all this shit every single day. im sick of dudes thinking im easy because i cant get laid because im fat. just because im fat, doesnt mean im easy. i have a mouth, and a loud distinctive voice! i got curves where they belong and i know motherfuckers wanna motorboat in my luscious titties whenever i have em on display. i can get laid whenever i want by some gorgeous ass guys, but i dont. i hate when dudes think like that. they think i cant get hot guys [guys i really want to bang]. ugh it just makes me sick. im kind of on hiatus right now considering this guy who loves to emotionally abuse me calls me 4 times a day. we'll get into that later.

what do i want out of this? i want some online and phone support, yanno? i prefer talking to women who go thru the same struggles i do. not only am i overweight, drugs are a big part of my life, ill admit that right now. i mean i smoke pot on the regular, but i dont even consider that to be a problem. ive done ever single drug [even designer drugs you've never heard of], everything EXCEPT CRACK! ill never try crack and if u smoke crack, i really dont wanna talk to you. im not a druggie, i experimented a lot in my min-late teens, but i always had one toe still touching the ground [and i still do today]. i eat xanax here and there to make myself feel better when i go thru emotional trauma, thats pretty much as bad as it gets. either way, i want to kinda buddy up with someone who is as badass as i am and gone thru the things i been thru, yanno? its easier for them to understand where im comin from about shit, i guess. dont use this against me. im a good person, i know the difference between right and wrong, and the only real addiction i have is to food and pot ;]

i love to write, i have a stupid blog, but i mostly write in many of my random journals. i have like 4 right now....i duno. this seems cool tho. feedback from ppl outside the ring. sounds good ;]
 
Hello, Waken. I want to welcome you to your diary. I've found it to be a real good place to get both information and motivation. There are real people here who are at all stages of weight loss. I don't think that there is anyone who has a situation that is so different from someone else. There is probably no vice that hasn't been discussed, also. Many of us use food as a vice and a crutch.

I'm not going to tell you anything about pot that you probably don't already know. I have my own things that I enjoy. I will say, though, that pot will interfere with your weight loss. I would recommend that you take a break from the bake at least till you get a handle on your weigh loss journey.

I would also recommend that you come up with some kind of plan that you can follow. If it works, then great. If it doesn't, then you will get the assistance to tweak it so that it will work for you and you will still live with it. Read the stickies and see what you like.

Good luck.
 
Hey there girl. First of all I LOVE the display name!! I also smoke pot and do other stimulants, hallucinogens, alcohol often.. I'm actually trying to cut it out as we speak... two weeks no alcohol and 3 weeks no OTHER drugs.. I still smoke my dope though. always will!

One problem I have when i smoke weed is that I munch out like a bitch!! some people here think binge eating is like a choco bar a sandwich and some crackers or something (not saying anyone inparticular... I've just seen it on here a FEW times). But me? I can eat a nutella sandwich, two donuts, half a large bag of chips, some chocolate. I'll eat until I can hardly breathe and that's probably the biggest toughest problem for me being a dope smoker.. controlling the cravings and urges to go and get fast food supersized with a little extra on the side.

Well anyways, welcome to the site.. I'll be around to help you along your journey! I hope I'm badass enough for ya :p
 
you know, pot REALLY has affected my weight loss over the years. i do get super munchies, but ive kinda learned how to steer clear of over eating and making unhealthy choices just cuz they sound soo delish when im stoned. i stock nothin but good food in my fridge. its kinda to the point where when i get the munchies, i usually just get a glass of juice cuz its sweet, and theres nothing else appetizing. i also have this good tactic of telling myself that im only "hungry" cuz i got the munchies, that works often.

lately ive been trying to stick to like chicken breasts and steamed veggies. it gets old as hell tho. i bought those steam bags so i jus gota throw em in the microwave and i got good veggies, but i can only eat so many things steamed, yanno? lately, ive pretty much just been eating whatever the hell i want, and only eating that for the day. yesterday i got a foot long from subway that turned out to be like 800 calories so i just ate that and a little fruit for the rest of the day. this is okay right? i mean i still eat healthy whenever possible, but esp around the rag i crave whatever i know is bad lol. today a grazed a sushi platter and it wasnt until AFTER the day of eating it that i realized i had eaten 840 calories.

my concept of losing weight is getting a little altered lately. burning calories=burning fat...right? i mean if i walk 2 miles a day every day and eat way less calories, im going to lose weight, right? im talking like, moderate walking. like im kinda sorta runnin outta breath, keeping a good pace, but sometimes i wear flip flops lol. do i always have to raise my heart rate to be burning fat? i have been working really hard, i walk at least 1.5 miles a day and spend about 40-60 mins on my gazelle. does anyone have a gazelle? have you got good results from it? i just got mine like 4 days ago and i just LOVE it. i actually sweat more doing that than when i used to do spinning, and my ass doesnt hurt afterwards =]
 
The thing with losing weight is what you really want is to lose fat. When you are using more calories then you take in, you lose weight. Mostly fat, but a little muscle. By doing the walking and keeping moving in general, you will lose plenty of fat. The more you move and the less calories you consume, the better. You can't take it to the extreme though.

Me, I love to cook, so I'm always trying to make something fantastic out of the boring. Use your imagination and look around here and other sites for some good healthy recipes. It will help take the strain out of the boring steamed veggies.
 
Trops said:
Oh, Adeon, You are so bad ass. You're afraid of eating a little cow. :D
Click to expand...

Hey hey hey!!! I'll eat cow if its organic!!!

I'm badass like that!:cool:

Oh and I strongly recommend you read the stickies threads in some of the categories on here.. There is one on eating more to lose weight. Eating 800 calories is noooo good. I was eating 800-1000 a day until I read that article and I was like wooooowww... I'd better up my calories!! So now I eat like 1400. Take a look around and I'm sure you'll find it. All the stickied threads are at the top of each forum. I'm sure you've figured that out already :)
 
yeah i love to cook, but i dont like to clean up after =D

i like stuff thats on the go. i started eating raw last summer, and i lasted a few months, but it got old and i didnt know what to eat anymore. i dont have the money to spend on dehydrators and vitamix machines and blah blah blah so it made it kinda hard. im slowly weening myself onto the 80/10/10 raw lifestyle. thats 80% calories from fruit, 10% from protein, and 10% fat. it sounds unhealthy but it really isnt. i like the idea of just eating plain fruit or smoothies whenever im hungry. no cooking, no mess!
 
yeah, it sounds like you really need more protein. You might think about doing the shake thing. Protein powder is a great way to get it in you. You cam make some really amazing fruit shakes and still be raw.

I never got the raw thing, but if you are into it, why not.
 
Welcome to the forum girl :).

I would say in response to your question, you should not wear flip flops on your walk and try to go faster and get that heart rate going. You should be increasingly able to walk further in the same amount of time.

What's a normal day's eating look like?

Sounds like maybe you should go back to school since you dont know what you want to do and being home with no job seems to be making your situation even more depressing to you.

Enjoy mami :D.
 
Blancita said:
Welcome to the forum girl :).

Sounds like maybe you should go back to school since you dont know what you want to do and being home with no job seems to be making your situation even more depressing to you.
Click to expand...

actually, im not getting a job right now because i periodically go down to florida to help out my parents. i will be going to school, eventually. i have a plan, but it involves losing weight. im going to go to school for massage therapy. once i have my license, i will be going down to florida for 2 months at a time to make money doing in-house massages for their guests. i have really bad anxiety when it comes to my weight, but im REALLY good at hiding it. when i go to school, i dont want to bottle up all my anxiety about my fat during class. its a pretty physical job, so i need to be healthy inside and out, yanno?

also, not having a job is not really what depresses me. sure, im broke as hell, but i still get paid around 150 a week for taking care of my moms aviary. i can totally live off of that if i have to heh. i really enjoy having lots of free time. i wake up early and do all sortsa stuff. me and my dog, cholo, go to different forest preserves every single day and get lost in the woods. we walk around our 2 mile neighborhood at least once a day, and sometimes ill do another mile or so at night time. i clean my house and get my laundry caught up and then i have time to do whatever i want or go wherever i want. i really.... really... really... love my free time.

im actually gona walk my dog right now, but ill be back on ina bit, i got some stuff i wanna get off my mind. thanks for reading, all, and also thank you for being so welcoming. :hugs:

heres some pics of my lil cholito. i rescued him in early march, and we're fuckin peas and carrots, its awesome. yes, i know, his hair is missing on his belly. he was in a really bad "shelter" tha tdidnt take care of him, but its growing back in just fine =]
cholocutie-1.jpg

cholo2.jpg
 
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confessions.​

i just feel like if i admit to all this stuff, i can move on from my bad habits and cope with living healthy.


  • i emotionally eat. for some, that is easy to say, but for me, not so much. i even recognize when im emotionally eating, its really sad. it started when i was a little girl. i was a regular size kid until i hit kindergarten. i had always been a little chunky, but i never thought anything of it until then. i got made fun of by 2 people who terrorized me all throughout school until grade 6. i would come home crying on a daily basis for being made fun of for being fat. sometimes i wouldnt even want to take the bus home because i didnt want to go through the humiliation of these two [they lived in my neighborhood so we took the same bus. one time in fourth grade, the teacher had left the classroom momentarily and my bully got up and showed the whole class a picture of me that someone had taken at a sleepover with a balloon under my shirt. he made fat jokes about it and the WHOLE class laughed at me [minus a few of my friends]. id always stick up for myself, but still wept inside. not only did that hurt my feelings because everyone was laughing, one of my "friends" had given him this picture. thus, starting my sever trust issues. id eat when i got home from school [no matter how much my mom would yell at me for not asking first], and then i would eat dinner and dessert. after everyone went to bed, i would ever so quietly sneak downstairs into the kitchen and grab whatever i could find. i remember creeping down the stairs very slowly and avoiding the one step that would creak, just so i wouldnt wake anyone up. id come upstairs with literally my arms full of food, and id hide all the evidence. one time, my parents went as far as chaining the fridge, but that got old. the more torture i went through, the more id want to eat to make myself feel better. i still do it today, sometimes, but i definitely dont binge like i used to when i was a kid.


  • sometimes i eat out of bordom. this is why i find so many things to do since i dont have a job. i spend lots of time on the computer [i do not eat when im on], i clean, i play with my dog, i walk him, i sew, i write, anything! i always try to find something to do to get my mind off of food when i feel the unnecessary craving arise.


  • i developed an addiction to fast food when i went on a road trip with my brother to cali. we'er from chicago, its a long drive. we ate pretty much nothing but fast food for over 2 weeks [minus the time we stayed at my aunts house]. not only did i develop a constant craving for it, my brother enlisted these bad habits of always ordering like 2 burgers or 2 egg mcmuffins. basically, since he ate more, i ate more too cuz i wanted to and he didnt give me any shit for it. the problem really started to escalate when i started working for a mosquito control company [i told you, ima badass bitch]. i was the first girl in 17 years, and i had long beautiful hair and nails....i jus thought the job was easy enough for a chick like me. anyhoo, i did a lot of ATV work [spraying around people's mansions, day camps, golf courses, you name it], but i mostly just got to chill and drive the trucks that had spraying units on the back. it was a night job and my shifts were usually 9-11 hours so i had to eat sooomthing. conveniently, theres always a 24 hour mcdonalds on every block! here's what id always order: a double cheeseburger, a mcchicken, a large fry, a medium fry, and a medium sprite. id eat it all in the darkness of the neighborhood i was about to spray and felt no shame or guilt until i was done. id hide the trash in my work backpack when i got back to base cuz i didnt want my coworkers to know i ate fast food pretty much every single night.

    this horrible habit continued even after the job was over. i would eat fast food maybe 2-3 times a week and hide the evidence in my room under my bed, or wherever i could find a good spot. i would clean out all the bags when my parents went out of town so that i could get it in the trash without anyone seeing it. it would always come up to about 2 trash bags full of empty fast food garbage. ive continued the habit of having fast food about once a week up until about a month and a half ago. ill never touch it again. it finally clicked in my head that i just cant eat that shit, it will kill me.


these were some confessions that ive really been thinking about a lot lately. theres way more, i just cant think of any right now. id have to say that i think all of this is really taking effect since i got my dog. i looked online for about 4 months when i first thought about adopting a dog. one day me and my friend went to visit some of these online dogs to see if we found a match, but we decided to take a little detour to this animal "sanctuary" that didnt have their animals online. thats when i met my lil cholito. it was like we were brought together by a higher power, hes just the most grateful and loving dog ever and he teaches me new things everyday. that was my plan originally. id lose weight and gain a reliable friend by just getting a dog. i knew that i would feel obligated to walk him, so i would get plenty of exercise, but i never knew it would make me want to change my life. i get out of bed for him, we live for each other. when i cry, he whimpers next to me...it was just fate...

i cant believe you're still reading. i totally <3 you.
 
Alright i'm not gonna lie... I got a little choked up at the end of your entry. That is really cute. I want a dog too but my dad kinda talked me out of it. He said "you are gonna have to make a 20 year committment of picking up the shit" which I don't really mind, but he put it in such a horrible way that I felt like I didn't want to do it.

I'm glad that you were able to confess those things on here. That's the first step in making changes.

I cant really connect with you on the first point but the other two I definately can. I eat out of boredom often. If i'm watching tv and a commercial comes on.. I'd go and check my cupboards for food. It has really stopped since I started working out and I am having a pretty easy time staying on track. I think this site is helping me.

I used to get craving for fast food that would last for days if I didn't satisfy the craving. I used to work afternoon shift, so I would crave McDonalds or Wendy's halfway through my shift, and by the time I was done I was thinking of one thing and one thing only.. what I was going to get at McDonalds. I also used to date this guy that ate fast food about 60% of the day. He gained 50 lbs in the year while I was working out once in a while and gaining slowly.. but still gaining.

Since becoming a veggie, I have no reason to go to these fast food places because they all serve meat. I only go to Harvey's once in a while for their veggie burger. And when I do go there I get a salad instead of fries.

Thanks for sharing your confessions with us and oh.. I <3 you back haha. :D
 
Hey Waken!

Glad you've joined us and are getting started.

Fast-food was totally my downfall, and why I packed on so many pounds in the last couple years. For the last year working two jobs about 70hrs a week I felt like all i had time for before/during/after work was fast food. It was so easy to add on weight. One day I hoped on a scale and saw I had added on about 60lbs and was about 80lbs heavier than just like 3years before.

Doing better now after sheding 30+ lbs, and well on my way to a healthier lifestyle. It's all about making smarter choices and thinking of food as fuel for your body and not just, get something when I'm hungry. The better fuel you put in your body the more your body will appreciate it and thank you back :).

Oh, I share the same delema w/ the herbage. Lead to a buffalo chicken wrap last night.... oh well, could have been worse :). At least I had 4 big glasses of water to go with it.
 
ok so today im going grocery shopping. im making a list because when i dont, i sometimes get off track. im super broke, i got 40 bucks to spend, and not even that cuz i gota get gas. so i got like...25-30 bucks to spend. i was thnking about going to aldi, but i went in there once and i literally got scared. if i were to buy chicken from there, do u think it would be all pumped with hormones and antibiotics? im kind of a stickler for that, and when i have the money, i always shop organic. theres this grocery store by my crib that we always call "the mutant market" cuz not only do they have wierd animal parts for sale, their meats are ginormous. seriously, they have turkey legs the size of my thigh, and they're super super cheap. my mom and i stopped eating meat from there because we'd always get the shits the next day....ugh god just thinking about it makes me feel like a lab rat.

im about to go try a new smoothie method, im so excited. this time, im freezing my yogurt. not like....gross icy frozen, jus rly rly cold to make my smoothie nice n cold cuz its like 95 degrees here in sunny chicago. so ya ill be back ina bit
 
man im really goin through some mental shit right now. soi was like best friends with this guy for like over a year and a half, then he just started to lose contact with me. im a rave promoter, hes a dj, we still cross paths, but we arent best friends anymore. i duno its so wierd, and its very complicated, but it takes its toll on me every single day. all of my best friends that ive ever had fucked me over really bad. my childhood best friend [who was also my neighbor], she started it all. she called me one day and asked me to come over and play and when i got to her house, her mom said she was at this other girl's house [this was way before caller id, mind you]. in high school, my best friend since 6th grade just up and decided one day that she didnt want to be my friend. my mom told me that she had called one night in the middle of the night and cried to her about how her therapist told her that she shouldnt be friends with me anymore because she thought i was going down the wrong path [which was actually the polar opposite]. it didnt seem to bother me muchwhen i was growing up because i had tons of friends, but now...i just have "friends", and then the small handful of friends that i see like once or twice a week. im so bothered about my last ex bf, i cry about it all the time. ill just sit and think about it and the tears will come gushing. i feel like people dont even care about me. i feel like ppl are my friend almost for appearances, but they really dont give a fuck about me. it sucks because i put my heart and soul into those i care about. i wear my heart on my sleeve in all aspects of my life, and it always gets me nothing but emotional pain.

what kills me the most....i often blame my weight for the way people treat me. its one of my main motivations actually. im absolutely convinced that when i lose weight, i will find a guy who doesnt treat me like a whore. i have standards....not because im fat and i want to point out someones flaws before they notice mine, but because i have fucking standards. i like hot ass guys, i cant help myself. i like hot guys who are smart. usually the ones i find myself attracted to are also complete assholes. the kinda dudes i like are the ones that dont fall in love with fat girls. the dudes i date do not fall in love with fat girls, simple as that. i cant even count how many times a guy has fallen for my personality but like subliminally wouldnt be with me because im fat. guys like healthy lookin girls, simple as that. these days, friends kinda come the same. i like bein around hot people. hot people like being around fat people to make themselves feel better. heh...i break that mold. ive had so many girlfriends who tried to pull that shit on me, and prolly like 75% of those girls resented me for gaining attention of the guys they were goin for. its not like i meant to. this chick i was like rly good friends with from junior high to age 20 [she was abusive, i ended it], guys would always look at her first. i think she was partly one of those girls that needs a fat friend to feel better, but she was too stupid to know it. guys would usually always pay her attention at first, and once she would open her mouth they'd be askin me for MYYY number. ugh rant..my minds kinda racing n im gona go shopping then workout peaas
 
the dreaded "ex". lately my increase in caloric intake is mainly because of him. he was so abusive. cheated on me, then denied it and had really good lies to cover it up. i tried and tried to get over him, but he keeps calling -- and i cant help but to take his calls. earlier tonight he called and acted like he was going to come over, then didnt [he had his reasons, and i understand]. even so, i couldnt help but to pick up a candy bar when i went to get cigs that i realized had like 500 calories [after i ate the whole damn thing]. i came home and had a bowl of shredded wheat, it was like i was a robot and i couldnt stop. afterwards i felt really bad, but it felt better during, of course. last night after our little hang out session, i binged big time. i ate a huge salad, a soft pretzl, and a little bit of stuffing [ya, i know it was the only starchy carby stuff i was craving that i had]. afterwards, i felt so bad that i figured why not puke it up eh? a few weeks ago i drank a whole bunch of beer, ending with 2 shots of jager so you know i was at the toilet. as i hurled [holding my own hair back, all i could think about was the nasty fatty beer calories out the hatch so i got drunk n not fat with it. i also realized that it is really easy for me to hurl when i tickle the back of my throat. last night i attempted, it didnt work out. i threw up a little bit, and then i realized how stupid i was being and i stopped. i know its stupid, dont gimme your lectures ppleeaaasee! and i promise that was the first time i ever threw up intentionally [cept for a few times bein drunk, u kno how that is;]. i think i was just so desperate and depressed at the same time.....

i hate how it takes so fucking long to lose weight. so easy goin in...what the fuck. i hate being a fucking statistic. its just so fucking hard. i try to exercise as much as i can, but i really cant stop my emotional eating. its not like i dont have healthy choices all over my kitchen either. i have tons of fruit and veggies always available. guess its the whole "comfort food" thing. i just wish i could find something to take place of the food. like something i can do when i feel super down that wont bore me to the point where i want to go eat something. hanging out with my friends often involves drinking whenever its warm out, and usually when its not ;] thats no fuckin help...lol

is it possible to gain addiction to walking? i really love walking around my neighborhood, its dope. i kinda gota stop walking at night though because me and my lil minpin chihuahua ran into a coyote tonight. YESS!! A FUCKING COYOTE!! ive seen them in the neighborhood before, and sometimes in the middle of the night they all howl all crazystyle for like 30 seconds and then they get quiet. ive never been so close though...at first, i thought it was that house's dog, but when we got closer, i realized how huge and wolf-like it was and my heart sank. that thing would totally eat my dog and i would have a heart attack watching, or die trying to save him. ugh god it scared the shit out of me.....so ill stick to walks during the day =] im starting to have a little problem with my feet though. they've always been pretty strong and i have pretty good balance, but they just ache. they get really bad when im on my gazelle. in fact, sometimes i have to get off the gazelle and stretch my feet out a bit because they hurt soooo bad. anything i can do to help this?

ugh god...he should have called me back by now. thats what prompted this entry. he jus called and said he wanted to talk then said hey let me call you right back. ugh god im so desperate for this asshole. help me!!!
 
Hey, Waken

It does seem like you have a lot on your shoulders these days. It seems to me that you place a lot of blame for your problems on your weight. Just a thought, maybe there is another root cause. It looks to me like you are setting yourself up for failure. You only go for guys that you know will turn you down or make you feel like shit. You seek deep friendships with people who are only interested in themselves or the superficial. I'm not a psyciatrist, so don't take anything I say as anything more then just a friendly sugestion.

You might want to check out this thread for weight loss:

http://weight-loss.fitness.com/weight-loss-media/6117-fear-thin.html

A lot of people here have really opend themselves up. You might find something that pertains to you there.
 
Your pup is so cute!! Look at that smile while he is sleeping. OMG! He's so happy you rescued him, he looks like he is in heaven. awwwweee
 
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