Shame and disgust!

katehunibun

katehunibun

New member
Hi, I'm Kate.

I'm not sure were to start. Shame and disgust pretty much sums me up. I'm fat....very fat and other than for about 1 year I have always been very fat.
I've been on this forum many times before but not for ages. To be honest, I wanted to find another one cos I am so embarrassed about how far I've fallen that I didn't wanna face people who might remember me. The first time on here I lost about 50lb and got down, and past, my goal weight. It completely changed my life but like most people sh*t happens and I not only fell off the wagon but I leaped and every time I've been on it's only lasted a short time and I've failed AGAIN!
Every day for the last 3 years (well, most of my life, to be honest) I have decided that today is the day and then caved and because I've caved I binge cos I'm so annoyed with myself.....repeat.
Yesterday, I decided to try the forum again, I was really motivated. Went to the gym and was going to write a post when I got back. Then got a call from friends inviting us out to Sunday lunch! Where I ate a Roast and drank 3 pints of lager :( then did the usual of eating cake, crisps and biscuits in the evening cos I had failed. Gggrrrrr!!!! What is wrong with me?! Why can't I do this?! HELP!!!

So that's me. I need help.

I'm gonna take a look at other diaries now to try and get some motivation and i'll be back and post tonight on how my day went.




 
I've just put up my profile picture to remind me where I want to be. That is a picture of me at my target (well, very nearly) weight running a half marathon. that was about 60lbs ago!:frown:
 
Hi Kate, welcome back! I've been here for a while, but don't remember you so you're safe with me. ;)

In all seriousness, don't feel bad about falling off the wagon. I think we ALL have had that issue at one point or another or sites like this wouldn't need to exist because we'd all be well on our way. We're human afterall and slip ups are going to happen. Mistakes are going to happen. I'm trying to learn not to dwell on them (succeeding with that right now as I'm not dwelling on having theater popcorn over the weekend).

My advice, as someone who has fallen off the wagon myself and is fighting to get back on, is to take it one day at a time... One hour at a time... One minute at a time. I've found that planning ahead goes a long, long way. If you have good, smart food in the house with your meals all planned out the temptation to binge and stray isn't as strong. Also, look at this as a lifestyle change (I'm trying to do away with all - or at least as much as possible - processed foods) and not just a diet to get into shape otherwise falling off the wagon once the goal is reached is a possibility.

You've done it before... you can do it again! :)
 
Hi all.

Today went really well. after I posted and read some other diaries I got dinner ready, took the dogs for a walk and then went to the gym :hurray:
When I got home I cooked dinner, roast chicken. I had a random day off today, normally I'm not home from work until about 6.15 so Mark, my other half usually cooks but he volunteers with a local drama group on a Monday and I don't see him until very late. Anyway, today I did cook and I was super good and weighed it all and didn't have potatoes! I've even done myself a little bowl to take to work for lunch tomorrow.

Now, this is going to sound weird but I have been meaning to colour my hair since well before Christmas (grey really saying hi these days!) but can't be bothered. I kinda don't care about myself enough to bother, if that makes sense. But this evening I did it and then I blow dried and straightened it too:eek: unless I'm going out (which is hardly ever) I don't bother. I just tie it up in a scrunchy and that's that. So I'm really chuffed that I made the effort :)

The evenings are my worse times for having those mental arguments about eating crap, which I usually lose, Especially when I'm home alone like tonight. I am going to resist tonight........How's that for sounding positive?!

Ok, I did measurements earlier :eek::eek::eek::eek:

Arms 35cm
boobs 119cm
under boobs 103cm
waist 107cm
hips 128cm
thigh 74cm
knee 44cm
calf 45cm

Good god, that's horrendous!!:(:(:(:(:(

OK, that's day one done, I'll check back in tomorrow. :)



 
WELCOME!! :hug2:

Now that you've vented, time for Positive Thinking & Speaking! ;)

I know the pain you are going through all too well!

You want CHANGE and that is key, so hang on to that and Dust Yourself Off. You are NOT saying....WHATEVER...I'M DONE....I DON'T CARE ANYMORE....
That's a Big Step and Important. :)

You CAN Do This - One Day At A Time!

I believe in you! :grouphug:

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katehunibun said:
To be honest, I wanted to find another one cos I am so embarrassed about how far I've fallen that I didn't wanna face people who might remember me.
Click to expand...
I am so glad you didn't Kate. It hurts me to think that you are feeling shame & disgust with yourself. Honey, you are so much better than how you see yourself. I only see lovely Kate. LOVELY KATE.
I'm in a bit of a hurry honey & will come back into your diary when I get back(& do mine). I love that you have come back in here. It is not the same without you (& Jess). It is very busy atm but concentrate on yours. You can do this. I know you can.
Sending you a great big squishy hug! :beating: xoxoxo Cate
 
I agree with Cate!!

Life absolutely just happens to all of us, we all slip up, backsliding happens. Concentrate on being happy and working on being healthy!!

We are all here for you too without judgement :)
 
Welcome back Kate! In support of your goal I shall call you Katerunibun. I ran 9.1 this Saturday and so I have a much larger respect for 13.1 than I already did. You've done it once and you'll do it again.
 
MandyH said:
Hi Kate, welcome back! I've been here for a while, but don't remember you so you're safe with me. ;)

In all seriousness, don't feel bad about falling off the wagon. I think we ALL have had that issue at one point or another or sites like this wouldn't need to exist because we'd all be well on our way. We're human afterall and slip ups are going to happen.
Click to expand...

I second this.

Welcome back, Kate. Just as you would do while running a marathon, don't look back and dwell on what's behind you - keep your head forward and push through to the finish line.
 
Hi All.

Wow!! So many replies :) I'm really touched, thanks guys. It's so lovely to realise that I am not the only one going thru this struggle. it's great to have so much support. Thank you so very much :grouphug:

Had a pretty good day. It's pancake day today and we usually have piles of pancakes with chocolate sauce, sugar, lemon juice, ice cream etc and I've stressed this afternoon about what to do about it. I'm a helper at Weight Watchers and even though I am rubbish and have failed for months and months, Tuesday evening was my 'cheat night' and I didn't know what to do about that today. I eventually came to the decision to have some but to make sure I tracked it. And, doing that really really helped, I had 1694 calories. Not too bad huh?! ;)

Back to my allowed 1370 calories tomorrow :cool:

I got to work today and OMG my uniform was soooooo tight:( (a bit of background needed here. I am a dental nurse and I've been off work the last two weeks looking after my parents. My Dad was hit by a motorbike doing 40mph at the beginning of December he was in hospital for 2 weeks with a broken pelvis and a broken ankle in two places with plates and pins and needed a wheelchair or frame when he got home. Anyway, on 25th of Jan my Mum went in for a hip replacement, which she has been waiting for for a while. If she cancelled she would have to wait til May time so she had it done and I moved in with them:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: Yep, it was a nightmare lol and I did a lot of comfort eating and lots of drinking:rolleyes: but i'm home now and back to normal and they are doing really well.) Oh, yeah........my uniform. I was mortified how tight it was but it gave me a good kick up the bum!!

You know I said that i'd made the effort to dye my hair and dry and straighten it. Well, I had so many compliments today about it. The dentist I worked with today said 'wow, arn't we are looking glamourous' :eek: and another said it looked lovely and shiny and about 10 other people said it looked nice :):):) It was a nice feeling.

I'm going to book a holiday!!! We haven't had a holiday abroad for 7 years and that was our only ever one. Jack (our son) is 17 at the end of the month so we are gonna have a relaxing, warm holiday for just the two of us. We have had a pretty shit time recently....See above...and We are looking at the end of April, beginning of May, so I have something to aim for to at least loose something!!

All in all, a pretty decent day. It could have been so much worse.




 
Wow Kate, that sounds really stressful! I'm glad your parents are both doing better now and I'm sure they appreciated you so much for all the help you gave them.

Ooh I'm sure your hair looked fab! Ha, I only just washed my hair today (haven't since Friday) because it's such a pain in the ass to dry... I feel you there. 5 secs to wash it, 45mins to dry it. Yuck.

Holiday sounds amazing, it's good to have something fun to look forward to! Well done on the good days too :) Pancake day sounds amazing haha
 
It sounds like it has been really tough lately sweetie. Your parents have done well to bring up such a loving daughter. Your hair sounds gorgeous Kate. I'm glad you're planning a holiday. That will be so much fun to look forward to, xoxo
 
Kate...welcome to the forum...all the best for weight loss journey. I agree, things have been so tough. don't give up girl!....you rock!!!

So glad that you are planning a holiday...have an amazing time.
 
Hi All.

I've had a really good day. Very motivated, went to the gym and I've had a brilliant food day. 1249 calories today.
We are still searching for a holiday but it looks like it will be the Canary Islands. We are going to go at the end of April so I have got to really work hard to lose a decent amount of weight so I don't feel too self-conscious lazing by the pool. Oh, I can't wait, it's gonna be lovely.....Mark and I have been together 26 years and we have never had a sunshine holiday!! let alone, just the two of us.

Lucy: It was pretty dam stressful. I was in a town 10 miles away when I got the call about the accident.It was at the bottom of my parents lane which is on the main road between home and where I was and it blocked the road, (they closed the road for about 5 hours in total) and I had to sit in the traffic knowing that it was my dad!:( When I finally got there (luckily the police let me through) there were police, fire crew and ambulance everywhere and it was dark so the flashing lights were frightening. But, dad was lying on the side of the road texting his pool team to tell them that he wouldn't make that nights game! Yep, that's my dad. I didn't sleep for a good few weeks, I kept thinking all the 'what if's'.
Then looking after said 'Mr independent' while mum was in hospital was taxing to say the least!:mad: and then when mum got home I had two of them. But, i'm home and back to normal and they are both doing really well.

Cate: Aww bless you, you always say such lovely things :beating: and you totally melted my heart when you put 'squishy hugs' the other day. I was like 'aww, she remembers' Love my internet mum.

Newie: Aww thank you. I will check out your diary. Thank you so much for the encouragement :)

Allicat: I am surprised what a difference actually making an effort with my hair made me feel. ok, back to holiday hunting :D:D

Does anyone know how to put photo's on here? I have a before:eek::eek: Anyway, back to holiday hunting :)




 
I can't forget something like that Hun. I love your squishy hugs. It is much easier to put photos on here now as you can just right click on a photo & click copy & then right click
katehunibun said:
. Oh, I can't wait, it's gonna be lovely.....Mark and I have been together 26 years and we have never had a sunshine holiday!! let alone, just the two of us.
Click to expand...
That will be so nice :beating: (G & I have to plan our next holiday too.) You will love it!
It is much easier to put photos on here now as you can just right click on a photo & click copy & then right click in your post & paste. I haven't bothered yet working out how to post just a thumbnail.
I have to head sweetie, but will be back later. xoxo Cate
 
:hurray::hurray::hurray::hurray:HOLIDAY BOOKED!!!:hurray::hurray::hurray::hurray:

OMG!!!! I'm so excited:D:D:D:D BUT.......I have to be sooooo good and eat really healthy and go to the gym loads so I will have the guts to put a swimming costume on.
We are going to Tenerife on 22nd April for a week, we even upgraded our room :eek: It looks lovely and the reviews are great. can't bloody wait. #squealyexcited

Thanks Cate for telling me how to put pictures on here. Oh, well, here goes. This is me taken on Sunday. So different from the profile picture and the other picture is the view I have when I'm on the treadmill. I really do live in a lovely part of the country :) (ok, I don't think it has worked)






 
Congrats on booking the holiday! Those are fun! If you're trying to upload a pic that's already saved on your computer, you can just hit "upload file" down by post reply. :)
 
:hurray::hurray:YAY!!! You`re going to have so much fun. Good call on losing weight before the vacation, you have 10 weeks -- more than enough time for a noticeable change!
 
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