Sorry guys if this is out of line just delete if it is. I have always hated the way I looked. When I got married I was a decent size, not skinny by any means but a lot smaller than I am now, and sex was good (sry guys). Well now that I've had a child (flabby loose skin, stretch marks, etc.) and gained a ton of weight (weighing 174 lbs currently) sex has gone WAY down to about 3 or 4 times a month! I've seen my husbands phone where he has googled "tiny teens" and things like that and I've said something to him twice about it and he just freezes up and shuts down like he doesnt want to talk about it. Ever since then I cant have sex with him without thinking the whole time wondering if he sees me or if he's fantasizing about one of the "tiny" girls he looks at. I dont even want to have sex with him anymore because I wonder wether he's even turned on by me or if he even wants to do it. I havent spoken to hime since last night when I found it. I cried myself to sleep last night i dont know what to do anymore. Am I overreacting?
Severe self esteem issues
- Thread starter BrittAH1
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ChefChiTown
New member
Yeah, probably. But, we live in a world that demands perfection, so it's not entirely your fault.
See, people are raised to believe that nobody will find them desirable unless they have a magazine cover body. And, even though we all know that isn't true, we still follow along with that mentality and belief. Not just single people who are still trying to attract a mate either; but married people like yourself as well.
It is constantly being shoved in our face that we have to look a certain way, talk a certain way and act a certain way if we want other people to like us. So, if we don't look like the models we see on the cover of a magazine or in an underwear commercial, we automatically think that we're no longer attractive. But, as I said before, we all know that's not true. Believe it or not, we're all beautiful in our own way. You might not feel beautiful sometimes, but deep in your heart, you know that you are. So, when you don't feel so attractive, just remember that your husband married you because he loves you. He didn't marry you for your body; he married you because he loves you and, believe it or not, that's all that matters.
Look, you had a child. Your body goes through maaaaajor changes when you're pregnant and some of those changes you might not like. And, to get rid of the changes you're not so happy with, it's going to take time. There are even changes that you are never going to be able to reverse. And, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know what you or your husband look like, but I'm willing to bet that he's gone through changes since you've been married as well. But, I'm sure you still love him just the same and still find him to be completely desirable, just as the day you were married. So, don't be so quick to think that his heart works any differently than yours, because I'm willing to bet that he still finds you just as desirable and loves you just the same as well.
And, to give you an honest male perspective on the "tiny teens" thing...
We all do it; even you. You might not Google "tiny teens" on your phone, but you know that you look at other people that you find to be sexy. But, that doesn't mean you don't find your husband to be sexy. It also doesn't mean that you love him any less. It just means that you're human and that you have a normal human curiousity to look at other people. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I don't even like skinny girls, especially ones that have the young, teen look. I much prefer women that have a little meat on their bones (God, I hate that phrase) and I certainly don't want a girl who looks like a teenager. But, I still look at pictures and videos of "tiny teens" myself. It's not because I have a preference of skinny, young girls over any other type of female; it's because I have a curiousity to see naked women. That's it. It doesn't mean anything more than that. And, in your husband's case, I'm willing to bet that it doesn't mean anything more as well. So, don't worry about it. You look at other people too (whether it be on the internet, TV, magazines or real life), so don't look too far into it.
But, with all of that being said, I think you need to sit down and talk to him about this. Instead of pouring your heart out onto an internet forum, try telling him this stuff. Will it be awkward and uncomfortable? Yeah, probably. But, it will be that way for both of you. You're not going to want to talk about how you feel unattractive and he's not going to want to talk about how he looks at porn. But, you're both adults and you can get over it. So, sit down and talk with him about this. Because, no matter how great the advice you get from here may be, it's not going to make a bit of difference if you don't talk with your husband and figure this out yourselves.
Good luck.
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First thing, I understand he comes home to me everyday but what pont does that prove? There are a lot of men that come home to their wives that arent attracted to them anymore and are miserable. I understand where you guys are coming from but you also have to see it from my point of view. I see tons of gorgeous girls with little teeny bodies on a daily bases and I know he does too. It's just really hard to accept the fact that I will NEVER have a body that looks like that no matter how hard I work and I'll never be who he deserves. I have tried talking to him about it, the first time he flat out lied to my face and this time he just totally shut down and didnt say anything. It just really hurts to know that he would rather get off to a perfect girl in a picture than have sex with me. Maybe I am overreacting but I still cant help the way I feel.
ChefChiTown
New member
Yes, there are a lot of men that go home to their wives and aren't attracted to them anymore, but there are even more men that go home to their wives and love them more each and every day. Don't just assume that your husband no longer finds you attractive just because he looks at other women. You look at other guys (and you can't pretend that you don't, because everybody does), but that doesn't mean you don't love your husband or find him desirable anymore. So, don't just automatically assume the worst here. He isn't doing anything that's out of the ordinary. In fact, he is doing something that everybody does; even you.
And, FYI - I completely understand your point of view. You are a worried wife that feels as if she isn't good enough for her husband anymore. It's easier said than done, but you have to get over the whole "he looks at other girls" thing and realize that he is with you - he spends his time with you - he comes home to you - he is married to you - he has a child with you - he loves you.
But, once again, nobody here is going to be able to tell you what you want to here. Sure, some people will tell you what you need to hear, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll want to hear it. This is exactly why you need to sit down and talk to your husband about it. I know that you said you have tried to, but don't try...just do it.
angelicrock
New member
1) You are overreacting
2) There is more to this than your husband googling things. It's obvious that you have issues with yourself and (to me) it looks like you are trying to pin this on your husband.
What you should be doing is focusing on what you do not like about yourself. Focus on what you want to change and how to change it. Dont look at this as an impossible task but a journey. Set small goals for yourself and do everything you can to hit each of your goals.
When I think about thinks in a general way I can get overwhelmed. To me, that's what it sounds like you are doing.
"It's just really hard to accept the fact that I will NEVER have a body that looks like that no matter how hard I work and I'll never be who he deserves."
That is the wrong mind set. Honestly, how do you expect him to be happy with you if you arent happy with you? He may not have a problem with your body but your attitude towards yourself might be a turn off to him. Physical attraction is only part of a strong intimate relationship.
2) There is more to this than your husband googling things. It's obvious that you have issues with yourself and (to me) it looks like you are trying to pin this on your husband.
What you should be doing is focusing on what you do not like about yourself. Focus on what you want to change and how to change it. Dont look at this as an impossible task but a journey. Set small goals for yourself and do everything you can to hit each of your goals.
When I think about thinks in a general way I can get overwhelmed. To me, that's what it sounds like you are doing.
"It's just really hard to accept the fact that I will NEVER have a body that looks like that no matter how hard I work and I'll never be who he deserves."
That is the wrong mind set. Honestly, how do you expect him to be happy with you if you arent happy with you? He may not have a problem with your body but your attitude towards yourself might be a turn off to him. Physical attraction is only part of a strong intimate relationship.
Harold14370
New member
Is Tiger Woods' wife unattractive, and is that why he chases skirts? No, it's just the way guys are wired. I recommend that you stop worrying and quit bugging the guy about it.
Big D
New member
Now pretty much, I was going to mostly repeat what the other guys here have also said, so I'll give yuo a slightly different angle on how most guys work. Now the first part is, it's not about which doorway he steps through or what house he has keys to. Whose the person in this world that he comes homes to. Different language I'm speaking here. Now I've lived with a couple different women in my life. Of all of them, some I just lived with, and others were the ones that made me come home. House and home, two really different things.
The other part is, as I'm sure you've noticed in life, guys have this certain innate and unbeatable self confidence. Most of us do anyway. What other group of people do you know can go walking down the street at age 45 with a gaudy gold chain, pot bells and hair back hanging out of a stained tank top with a bald spot, black socks and sandals, hitting on women 20 years younger than us and still have that strut like 'Damn I look good'. You might laugh at the image, but you know you've seen it at some point. We understand that even if we don't conciously perceive it. Honestly, as a single guy, you wouldn't believe some of the knockouts I've met, their picture looked incredible, seeing them walking around on my way to meet them made my heart and other things throb and so on.. and after talking to them.. their self confidence was non existent and whoomp, there it aint.. Some I ran into later and their confidence was back with no other change to them, and they wer ea lot more attractive.
Its like anything, you have to believe in yourself first before anyone else will.
jjjay
New member
MMmmmmm....sorry, I got momentarily distracted there at the mental picture of this seriously sexy guy!! How is my guy ever going to match up to that?! LOL.
Seriously, you got to aim for getting to a point where you feel good about how you look...YOU FEEL GOOD about it. No-one else. That's the key to looking sexy. That's why some women can be 120lbs and look awful and other women can be 200lbs and as sexy as anything. Your husband is probably embarrised you caught him looking at porn and doesnt know how to talk about it. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my guy looks at porn - heck, I'd oogle guys who are completely different from him, who might be 10 years younger than me and have perfect pecs, but would I want to be in a long term relationship with them? Nope. What you pick to have a 5 minute look at is often completely different from who you'd pick to have children with.
You can't expect him to take the sole responsibility for making you feel attractive and wanted though, part of that has to come from you inside. And where's this concept of "what he deserves" come from? How come you aren't what he deserves?
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