Retribution

C

CoachCrimson

New member
About 6 weeks ago, I popped in to declare my old journal dead, deceased, decaying... Today I am here to start a "new" one, though in reality it is just a continuance of all things that have come before, all 23 years of it.

A couple of things to mention first. I have no desire to hate myself more than neccessary, so I will not be tracking change until January 2, 2008. I just don't see what I could get from forcing myself to deal with some very difficult issues through a holiday. Too much too early has been a common fault in my past.
In an attempt to avoid the old "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc" fallacy (i think thats how it goes...), ill state the events that happened around my last demise, with no inclination towards any cause/effect relation. 1) No health insurance/no medication 2) Girlfriend returned home from summer camp 3) Started new job 4) Financial difficulties mounted (still mounting). All major events that I know affected me, that may have possibly aided in my downfall.

With the knowledge I have, I still find myself learning the most through trial and error. I feel it is proof of just how individual this trip is. Through attempts that have been overly hardcore, and trials that are seriously introspective. Regiment is needed, as is self-evaluation, but not to extremes. The one main constant is the understanding that ALL things in life MUST be taken in moderation, else they surely spell doom. Something I have always known, but not always practiced.

I have a tendency to feel that everything I have done in previous attempts is wrong if it has ultimately failed. That's a pretty retarded thing to think, especially if previous attempts have yielded measurable success. So, for what it is worth, this is a "new" beginning, ironically titled Retribution.
 
Purpose

So, with most of the heavy stuff aside, I would like to state a purpose for this journal. Ideally, it would become a hub of intellectual exchange relative to topics I am currently either interested in or dealing with. A place to deposit (or dump) thoughts, ideas, revelations, etc relative to life as a weight loser. Pretty standard journal stuff, with perhaps some relevant input from readers. Most importantly, I think it keeps me accountable in some odd way (and while in an attempt to avoid the post hoc I won't technically admit the following) as all the mentioned events around my failure happened about the same time I stopped writing consistently.

With that aside, I already have something I would like to put on paper, so to speak. My mother, in an attempt to quit smoking and improve her health overall, has decided/agreed/been convinced to join me in the weight room starting on the 2nd. I am quite curious to see how this works out in multiple ways: a) will she be able to commit? b) will it be helpful or hurtful to my own goals? c) are workout partners really a key to continued exercise success?
Part C is what truly intrigues me, as I have realized that some of my greatest success has come when I had 1 or more people as workout partners. Anything from another 1 or 2 people who did the same routine as i did each day, to just having a buddy who was at the gym around the same times that I could trust for spots and shoot the shit when appropriate, and to friendly teammate rivalries that had some very nice positive effects for all three of us. To the best of my knowledge, I have never really had any seriously successful periods that involved me doing the large majority of my activity in solitude.
My mother is 45, and by no means fragile. She does not share my difficulties with weight, and has been active through pure physical labor for a large part of her life (don't confuse that with construction type woman, lol). If she can commit to going regularly, this could be a major boon for the both of us.

However, in light of all this, my biggest question is what to do should she not be able to commit. There is obvious evidence that a competent and committed workout partner could be a significant weapon.

Also, as an offshoot to this, I am concerned that perhaps my girlfriend is not quite the active type I thought she was, and am wondering how that may affect our relationship if we are to stay together for the long haul.

2 topics I should surely think about and perhaps elaborate on.
 
An interesting thought I had today while thinking about this coming year: A person would be ignorant to claim that quitting smoking is easy if they had never actually been addicted themselves. Why does this not pertain to people who have food addictions/dependencies? Why do I feel so much shame and disappointment when I slip-up?

I had an interesting conversation with some family members who tried to relate smoking cessation to losing weight. They claimed it was easier to lose weight, because with weight loss you can still eat, whereas with smoking you have to quit nicotine permanently. However, I have found it was far easier to quit smoking (haven't had any nicotine in several months now), than it has been to lose weight. I feel that trying to maintain moderation is far more difficult than complete cessation. I'm assuming it is completely dependant on personality type, but at the same time, I think it is worth noting that in my family, I am the only one who has had to deal with both nicotine addiction, as well as obesity.

I still sit and wonder if things would be so much easier for me if i could quit eating entirely and just get all of my nutrients intravenously... (not quite realistic, i know)
 
I am 23 right now. Nice alias by the way.

As a sort of active reminder for myself, I need to set aside some time to determine to what degree I need to plan for the future, and then also do that planning. I also need to do some studying on the effects of varying calorie consumption on a day to day basis by variable percentages (i.e. 500 calories under 1 day, 1000 the next, 250 the third, etc). I think i would like to try setting an upper ceiling, but not get quite so strict about a set range on a day to day basis... perhaps set a range for a weekly or monthly consumption. I didn't really like the concept of coming out short on calories on any given day, and then having to force myself to find something that would fill the gap even if i didn't really want to eat. I can't really see much of anything wrong with some daily variation, as long as the longer term consumption stays in a healthy range. I do like counting calories, but i think id like to avoid becoming a statistic whore again, as it seems to complicate things a little more than they probably need to be.

I have also been thinking lately about the VO2 max test I saw on the main page of this website. Something about how the USATF has their athletes run as far as possible in 12 minutes to determine VO2 and such. Sounds like a fun way to test myself for success in a manor that doesn't involve a scale, since after all, like it has always been, this is mostly about being healthier overall. I bet I could have some fun with at least a relative comparison using an elliptical treadmill for now. Which of course relates to something else I think I have realized about myself: that I am the type of person who is more fascinated with seeing what the absolute maximum I can do over a given period is, rather than the opposite of seeing how far i can go at a reduced intensity. Part of the difficulty I think in long term weight loss success for me is the need to maintain a certain "intensity" for long periods of time. You can't 1RM or sprint your way through weight loss, and that kind of annoys me, not so much because i am impatient, but because it is a different way in which I like to test my limits.
 
Wow Coach, it is great to see you back here. You're in the right place if you've screwed up and want to get back on track. You're sure in good "screw up" company considering that most of us on here have our overeating issues. May I ask how much you gained back? Will you consider filling us in on more details of how your backward spiral began and gathered steam? This is the important part that we never get to find out about because the person is **poof** gone. This happens so often around here its not even funny.

A few things come to mind from your posts.

Moderation versus going all out hardcore for weight loss. It seems like many people on the forum start off too gung ho, and dare I say often the heavier the weight the more extremist the person seems to get, to the point where its hard to keep up the level they've started at so they then slip up a bit, then get disappointed in themselves and then give up completely. Like a girl who just started posting who said she normally eats 8,000 calories per day and for her first day on her diet she had a 200 calorie breakfast. How do you go from all that to nothing and think you're going to be able to keep it up? I personally believe in moderation mixed in with knowing what your triggers are and avoiding them like the plague, but not changing too too much at once. That never seems to work, especially for most people who are already far gone on their weight issues.

About your girl friend. If she's not going to be your work out partner, that doesn't mean she's not worthy of being in your life. You dont want to be discounted by your weight and she shouldnt be discounted for her "issues" either. Getting fit and healthy may not be one of her intentions right now, but people change. This is something that can be worked on as you lead by example (unlike a mean heart). I'm sure if things got more serious and you were living together and you had lost all your weight and were running out for some exercise, a walk or to the gym, she would join you. [rude alert] But come on Coach, what have YOU shown her lately about fitness and health. You yourself lost interest so how do you expect her to maintain any level of interest. This next part I say in the kindest of ways, though it still sounds bad, but if she was so into health and fitness she would probably be with someone a lot smaller and more fit and healthy. You can change her mindset in the future, but first you need to lead by example. And not just for some short temporary gung ho period, where she also sees you losing interest, but over the long term. It could take a few years before she gets into it but if you keep it up in the long term she will be guaranteed to hop on the bandwagon too. In the meantime, she's still worthy and she still cares about you and that matters more for right now I think.
 
I do not currently know where I stand as far as loss of progress. I'll start worrying about it on the 2nd, since depressing myself further during the holidays really wouldn't be helpful currently anyways. Maybe sometime later this week I will confess my failure more fully.

concerning the girlfriend, wondering how her inactivity will affect our relationship does not equal me leaving her, lol. A bit of a wrong conclusion drawn there I think. Believe me when I say that you are preaching to the choir, I have always understood and appreciated the fact that she loves me regardless. My wondering was more along the lines of realizing that she might not be the support I once thought she could end up being once we lived together, as well as the point about what I might be able to do to affect her positively in this pursuit.

I have noticed today that I seem to be feeling a bit nervous, but yet also excited. Similar to the way I would feel in competition. Not yet ready to elaborate any further yet though... probably a result of still being somewhat unsure of my confidence levels. I've been here before, and I know what lies ahead. Kind of scary really...
 
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Today is January 2nd, 2008. Just figure that is worth noting.

Previously, I mentioned that I was still unaware of whether or not I have the confidence, esteem, motivation, etc to succeed currently. Currently, I am satisfied enough to be ready to start. Truly, this kind of thing means quite a bit in terms of changes that need to be made, but I am trying my best to downplay that fact in my mind. Rather than sit here and be overwhelmed at all the changes I will have to make now...

I also mentioned that I needed to start planning and getting things laid out. I went to the doctor's office on the 31st because I have been ill for some time, and at the visit, I was weighed in a few pounds short of where I began last May. Both saddens and angers me to think that if I had just continued all the way through, I could be about 100 pounds lighter than I am right now. So, in terms of the numbers, I am basically starting all over again, though in reality, I am just coming out of retirement... again, lol. Like I had said before, its not really starting over, because I have more knowledge, more understanding, a more complete arsenal at my disposal. Maybe the be-all, end-all catch is that you just have to have enough of these starts and stops to learn enough about yourself to succeed. Some people take less tries/time because they learn things faster, maybe some people never succeed because they just never got in enough attempts to learn what they needed to know.

As far as a plan goes, I am keeping it basic to start. I have no intentions of writing everything I eat in here, as well as the stats and all that crap. I still have the full version of Fitday on my computer, and will use that to keep track of each day's results, and to check on statistics as I feel curious or needed. My two main short term goals for now are to monitor my calories to an absolute maximum of 2400 each day, while trying to maintain closer to an average of 2000 a day over each individual 10 day span. Once I have my exercise set and going appropriately, I will adjust the calories accordingly. I most likely will not be weighing myself in every day. I think I will just weigh in when I feel like weighing in. If it becomes an every day thing, awesome, if not, I won't force it more than once every 2 weeks. I figure this allows me to stay motivated when I am seeing scale changes, but not get freaked out when the scale doesn't want to move (just stop weighing for a week or so).

I think at this stage for me, there are two things I need to keep in check to make progress: Keeping total calories under control over the long haul, and maintaining an exercise program. I am not going to complicate things too much, or worry about keeping track of every single little detail.

Since I am sure that moods and motivations are going to fluctuate plenty, I am setting this as my base for success. No matter what is happening in my life, I can at least maintain those 2 things. If i am feeling better and more motivated, then I can complicate things a bit and get more advanced. If i start to lose that, I know I can drop back to basics and still continue progressing. And that reminds me, regular writing seems to have quite the impact on forcing me to keep these goals in my mind and not revert to old habits subconsciously. So I think that will be a sort of third requirement.
 
IMHO, you are totally on the right track. You are keeping it simple and not too extreme. There's no need to log and track every last thing you do at this stage of the game. With just a moderate effort you should be able to get this off the ground and see changes quickly.

Its pointless to feel bad about backsliding and its important to take note that you are not alone, most people re-gain what they've lost so obviously there's something about this that may be outside of yourself as a "bad" person that causes us to only go so far before we lapse back into old eating and exercise habits. Figuring out a way to combat this is individual based on what may end up working for you.

Rather than logging and tracking in your own diary, it may help if you pick a few diaries to visit regularly where people really keep on track and update regularly to keep you motivated. Bikinibound's diary is one I like to visit frequently because she stays really motivated, but also takes breaks once in a while, always sure to get right back on the bandwagon very shortly.

Here's to a new you in the new year!
 
I have a natural tendency to want to make things more complex and in-depth. When I am feeling good and motivated, I always want to go out and take on everything and challenge myself to the highest degree. But then it always comes back and knocks me way off course when my moods shift again and things aren't so pleasant anymore. Right now, I am feeling pretty darn into this thing, and as such, I naturally want to do as much as I can. But that has always screwed me over in the past, so I am fighting the urge to take on too much too soon.

I was looking back through fitday checking on last year's attempt, and really caught myself by surprise. At the time, I hadn't realized just how complicated I was making things. I mean, I enjoyed it, it worked, and I felt great for the duration, but when I ran out of medication it just was not something I could keep up with mentally. And then not keeping up meant feeling failure, and then the whole downward spiral thing. I mean, I was weighing and measuring EVERYTHING, right down to teaspoons and hundredths of an ounce, keeping track of calories right down to the decimal, and even going so far in my evaluations to check standard deviations. Just not something I could maintain for a the duration of trying to lose almost 200 pounds, yet alone for a lifetime.

As a final note for now, I am adding one simple thing to my plan for now. I am making a checklist to post on my closet that simply has three spaces for each date for me to check off if I succeeded at them for that day. Calorie Limit, Exercise Done, and Journal Logged.
 
That sounds like a perfect plan Coach. There's no need to get that obsessive about your calories at your weight so why make it hard on yourself. Or you can go all out if you find it hard to stop yourself when you're feeling gung ho, but you have to remember that the motivation WILL wain. We know this already. And that's when its time to get less fanatical but still stay with it. When that time comes, allow yourself some moderation, whatever that may be that will not set you off on a tangent, whether that's eating a bit more or exercising a little less or eating a few treats (or even one treat a day). Anything to keep you from giving up entirely! Anything to keep the weight you lost off rather than coming back, even if this means that the process is being slowed down from being more moderate. At least you wouldn't be gaining back, and then when you get your next waive of motivation, you can just pick up from there. Important thing is that you DONT REGAIN YOUR LOST WEIGHT. What medication were you on?
 
I'm like you, kind of all in my head, and if I fail to meet some goals (like regularly writing) I kind of downward spiral. I mean, if I go over my caloric limit or something I just think "why not go for broke?" Lol, not anymore though. I look forward to reading more of your eloquent thoughts.
 
I have come to somewhat of a realization that the absolute best thing I can do at this point is to simply wake up each day and decide that I am going to do my best to meet my goals. If I do not, then I simply try again the next day. For each day I succeed, I have something to feel proud of, and with a little luck and hope, those good days will steamroll and become long segments of success.

I do not currently have what I need to make any significant stride into this problem. Money is tight as ever, and my family has lost faith in any chance of me being able to change myself permanently. So, I will have to make success where I can, and eventually prove to both them and myself that I do have what it takes to succeed in the long run.

Currently, I am 6 days into my new "start", and have already made more mistakes than I would rather admit. I will just have to try again tomorrow (err... today, whatever).

fyi, the medication I take is for mental health purposes, I'd rather just leave it at that for now.
 
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