masforever
New member
hi everyone! new here as well, same old song and dance really. i've never joined a weight loss forum or community before, so go easy on me!
so here's the thing. i'm 24, 5'10" and currently 174 pounds. this probably wouldn't have bothered me if the zipper on my favorite pair of pants hadn't decided to give way after repeated forcing or if i hadn't noticed myself developing stretch marks in places where i never had stretch marks before. i know it may not seem like a big deal to some but i've gone up, down and all around with my weight for years. i was an overweight kid, overweight pre-teen and an overweight teen until i discovered diet pills with phenadrine (before it was banned by the fda) my senior year and lost a tremendous amount of weight (my highest was 190, my lowest was 135). at least it was the first time i'd ever squeezed into a size 6. now i'm barely making it into my size 12s.
by the time i was 20/21, i'd gained most of it back and worked on losing the weight the right way. i became a workoutaholic, i was strict with my calorie intake, had a food journal/weight journal on fitday, charted my progress, etc. but (cue the sad violins) then last year i became quite a heavy drinker and narcotics abuser which in retrospect should've caused me to lose weight but instead i gained. how does that work? i'd wind up spending many mornings/afternoons/day-afters too messed up to get out of bed and then overate to compensate for my lack of appetite. month after month, things started to get tighter, pants wouldn't go on without a good 10 minutes of squirming on the bed, and my favorite winter coat that i'd spent so much money on last year, i now struggle to keep closed. favorite coat ever and i look like i'm going to explode out of it.
i'm kind of ashamed at how i let myself get to this point and even more ashamed that i know how and what to do to lose the weight but can't get past this hump. i'm sober now, i've got energy, i loved yoga and pilates, the fitness ball was my friend, so why can't i just... do it, you know? the math, the meal plans, the exercise, it's already all pre-programmed in my head. i never liked fast food, i can cook healthy meals from scratch, you name it! i attempted a workout regimen and did 2 miles on the treadmill (4 point incline, 3.8 mph) everyday this week... but then a few hours after i was finished, i'd eat everything and anything in sight. and i mean everything. i did it again tonight and i feel absolutely sick yet still want to eat.
i don't know what's holding me back. i don't know why i'm doing this to myself or why i just can't stay on track for one single day. just one. it makes me feel so out of control and crazy, like i'm subconsciously sabotaging myself every step of the way. geez, i can feel the tears welling up already. my primary goal is to get down to 145 before i go to paris to visit friends the second week of april. everyone wants their 'wow, look at you!' moment and that would be mine. i just need help and don't know where to turn anymore. i guess i'm looking for motivation or a friend that already understands what this is like because right now i'm hating my own reflection, i'm hating my closet full of clothes i can't wear anymore and of course secretly hating everyone that's thinner than me.
so here's the thing. i'm 24, 5'10" and currently 174 pounds. this probably wouldn't have bothered me if the zipper on my favorite pair of pants hadn't decided to give way after repeated forcing or if i hadn't noticed myself developing stretch marks in places where i never had stretch marks before. i know it may not seem like a big deal to some but i've gone up, down and all around with my weight for years. i was an overweight kid, overweight pre-teen and an overweight teen until i discovered diet pills with phenadrine (before it was banned by the fda) my senior year and lost a tremendous amount of weight (my highest was 190, my lowest was 135). at least it was the first time i'd ever squeezed into a size 6. now i'm barely making it into my size 12s.
by the time i was 20/21, i'd gained most of it back and worked on losing the weight the right way. i became a workoutaholic, i was strict with my calorie intake, had a food journal/weight journal on fitday, charted my progress, etc. but (cue the sad violins) then last year i became quite a heavy drinker and narcotics abuser which in retrospect should've caused me to lose weight but instead i gained. how does that work? i'd wind up spending many mornings/afternoons/day-afters too messed up to get out of bed and then overate to compensate for my lack of appetite. month after month, things started to get tighter, pants wouldn't go on without a good 10 minutes of squirming on the bed, and my favorite winter coat that i'd spent so much money on last year, i now struggle to keep closed. favorite coat ever and i look like i'm going to explode out of it.
i'm kind of ashamed at how i let myself get to this point and even more ashamed that i know how and what to do to lose the weight but can't get past this hump. i'm sober now, i've got energy, i loved yoga and pilates, the fitness ball was my friend, so why can't i just... do it, you know? the math, the meal plans, the exercise, it's already all pre-programmed in my head. i never liked fast food, i can cook healthy meals from scratch, you name it! i attempted a workout regimen and did 2 miles on the treadmill (4 point incline, 3.8 mph) everyday this week... but then a few hours after i was finished, i'd eat everything and anything in sight. and i mean everything. i did it again tonight and i feel absolutely sick yet still want to eat.
i don't know what's holding me back. i don't know why i'm doing this to myself or why i just can't stay on track for one single day. just one. it makes me feel so out of control and crazy, like i'm subconsciously sabotaging myself every step of the way. geez, i can feel the tears welling up already. my primary goal is to get down to 145 before i go to paris to visit friends the second week of april. everyone wants their 'wow, look at you!' moment and that would be mine. i just need help and don't know where to turn anymore. i guess i'm looking for motivation or a friend that already understands what this is like because right now i'm hating my own reflection, i'm hating my closet full of clothes i can't wear anymore and of course secretly hating everyone that's thinner than me.
