April Banks 656 Pounds
New member
Questions before the rant in case the rant is too long.
1: How to love myself despite being 656 pounds ?
2: How to stop being so ashamed ?
3: Can a woman my size find love ?
Rant:
I have crippling social anxiety because of my size and I hate normal social things. I hate meeting new people. I hate people seeing me. I have to go threw things that are humiliating for people without social anxiety. My new nurse started working for me and my sisters yesterday. You have no idea how humiliting her changing my diapers, bathing me, wiping my butt, and other things I can't do for myself. What's more humility get is my session with my personal trainer. Having a smoking hot thin man see me trying to exercise. Watching me jiggle and sweat. Ewwww. I hate myself so much. How could I do this to myself ? I'm fat. I'm fat. I am FAT !!!! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I feel disgusting ALL THE TIME. I'm so stupid and worthless. If my disease kills me maybe it's what I deserve. I'm fat and ugly and disgusting and gross and nasty. I hate reflective surfaces. I hate seeing my stupid ugly get self. I am just so TIRED OF BEING FAT !!!!!!!!!!!! I hate my belly the most. So ugly and big. I want to just cut it off. Sweat gets in between my folds and I get stinky. I hate my life. Ì love my mom but maybe it would of been better if she had aborted me. Save herself the baby weight gain and experience. I'm a horrible role model for my sister. My sisters deserve better than me for a middle child. My mom when she was alive deserved better than me as a daughter. The world doesn't need me. I'm just her to eat and have people take care of me.
Okay rant over. I'm not suicidal. I've talked about my self like that for years. Just needed to get that out of my system.
1: How to love myself despite being 656 pounds ?
2: How to stop being so ashamed ?
3: Can a woman my size find love ?
Rant:
I have crippling social anxiety because of my size and I hate normal social things. I hate meeting new people. I hate people seeing me. I have to go threw things that are humiliating for people without social anxiety. My new nurse started working for me and my sisters yesterday. You have no idea how humiliting her changing my diapers, bathing me, wiping my butt, and other things I can't do for myself. What's more humility get is my session with my personal trainer. Having a smoking hot thin man see me trying to exercise. Watching me jiggle and sweat. Ewwww. I hate myself so much. How could I do this to myself ? I'm fat. I'm fat. I am FAT !!!! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I feel disgusting ALL THE TIME. I'm so stupid and worthless. If my disease kills me maybe it's what I deserve. I'm fat and ugly and disgusting and gross and nasty. I hate reflective surfaces. I hate seeing my stupid ugly get self. I am just so TIRED OF BEING FAT !!!!!!!!!!!! I hate my belly the most. So ugly and big. I want to just cut it off. Sweat gets in between my folds and I get stinky. I hate my life. Ì love my mom but maybe it would of been better if she had aborted me. Save herself the baby weight gain and experience. I'm a horrible role model for my sister. My sisters deserve better than me for a middle child. My mom when she was alive deserved better than me as a daughter. The world doesn't need me. I'm just her to eat and have people take care of me.
Okay rant over. I'm not suicidal. I've talked about my self like that for years. Just needed to get that out of my system.