Please give me advice

M

manderson22

New member
As you can see this is my first post - a little background: I am a male 28 years old and I weigh 160 lbs and consider my self in pretty good shape. I just got married back in December. I have known my wife for 4 years and when i met her she weighed 150 lbs which is perfectly fine with me, she was beautiful then and she will always be beautiful to me. She used to weigh 220 lbs before i met her but she lost all the weight before we met. What I have noticed is that she slowly has started putting weight back on after the wedding. Its around 15 lbs since december which does not worry me much but the way she is doing it worries me. She eats a lot more than she used too, she watches what I eat, and then eats just as much as I do and then when i go for my midnight shift at the plant, she eats another meal while I am gone. She tries to start work out programs but she has no motivation at all to keep them going. I have sat down and talked to her a couple times and expressed my concern and was really positive with her and asked her if she was upset about me or our marriage and she says she is as happy as she can be but she doesnt seem to care that i am concerned about this. Just to emphasize too, its not the 15 lbs i am worried about its the way she is doing it that i think will lead to more if she is not careful. I am more worried about her health going forward. How do I talk to her about this, what do I do? I love her and want to be with her forever and we dont have kids now, but we both want them in about a year or so, God willing.
I hope everyone takes this message the right way, I am not one of those guys who thinks that women have to be 115 lbs, blond hair with 36d's and a perfect body. I am just concerned for my wife's health going forward.
 
Has she told you that she is eating an extra meal while you are gone - or is that something that you have assumed to account for the weight gain?

Other than your marriage - has anything else changed?
- were you living together before - and if so were you doing the same job?
-- maybe she is lonely in the house by herself while you are out working night shift

- did you go out together more often? - and if so was it to things which would involve an element of exercise - e.g. dancing

- have finances changed? - if you have taken on a mortgage or a big rent commitment - could that be causing her to feel stressed.

- other than a weight gain - have there been any other changes in her health (e.g. problems with periods, skin or hair problems)? People can gain weight associated with a hormonal medical condition. I experienced a big weight gain around the time of my marriage which was triggered by a birth control pill that I started taking at that time.
 
IN addition to what Omega said, I have a couple of other questions - not necessarily that you need to answer them here unless you want to, but some things for you to think about.

You say she eats as much as you or tries to match you, but since she was significantly overweight before, it sounds to me that this might be unconscious rather than conscious. I know that when I was eating with my ex it was easy for me to "justify" in my own mind eating more - not consciously .. just that I'd fix 2 plates with equal amounts of food. One thing that helped me was using smaller plates to eat off of - I couldn't load them as full and then I had to make a conscious decision to go back for 2nds ... and when I realized I was eating 2nd helpings, it was easier to stop.

When you eat together, what kinds of meals do you eat? Are the meals you fix healthy, or not? Again, my ex was raised in a "meat and potatoes" household and for him a meal used to be a large serving of starch, a large portion of meat, and some veggies on the side. Usually served with a couple of slices of bread and butter. When we separated, I started eating veggies and meat with starch as the smaller side and just that alone made a huge difference. I hadn't realized how his way of eating - and cooking to make him happy - influenced how I ate. Could this be something you and your wife do and could start making some changes in?

Also you said that *she* starts exercise programs but doesn't follow through - do you ever exercise together? Go out for a walk or a run, go to the gym together, etc? It was always very hard for me to get motivated to go to the gym and exercise when my husband would come home every night and sit on the sofa and veg out. It was very lonely for me to go do these things by myself and even though he encouraged me verbally, I felt like support was lacking because he wasn't out there doing something with me.

I also have to point out that you said in your post "I have sat down and talked to her a couple of times" ... and would like to give you a perspective on that. My husband was fairly athletic and in good shape and didn't have to put a whole lot of visible effort into being fit and slim. Me? I look at food and gain weight. Plus I was never encouraged to be athletic as a kid or young adult. So already I felt at a disadvantage. A couple of times my husband tried to "talk to me" about my weight and ... I'll be honest, even though I know his concerns were about my health (I had heartburn every night, I had no energy, etc. etc.), I was VERY RESENTFUL of what I saw as a holier-than-thou attitude. He honestly had NO idea how hard it was for me to lose weight, to be motivated, to feel like it was something I could do - especially when it was so easy for him. All he had to do was stop drinking Coke for 2 weeks and he'd drop 10-15 lbs. Being "talked to" is quite possibly the WORST thing you can do to help encourage your wife ... it is very likely to make her feel both resentful and think that you find her unattractive or even repulsive. It becomes a cycle that is hard to break.

My suggestion would be if you want your wife to become more interested in her health and weight, that you should be interested in YOURS and invite her to participate. Start working out and ask her to come with you to keep you company - that it's lonely for you by yourself (even if it's not and even if you think she might slow you down or hold you back). Tell her that YOU want to start eating healthier and ask her if she'd be willing to experiment WITH you in different kinds of cooking and eating. Make this something that YOU want to do and you want her to be a part of, not something that you want HER to do to make you happy.

I know it's hard and I do get the impression that your heart is in the right place ... but I also know how hard it is to be the overweight wife of a man who has no problem losing weight and staying in shape. It's very difficult not to be resentful and give up before you've begun.

And ultimately anything that she does will have to be her choice. You can encourage and invite all you want, but she has to make the decision for herself. :)
 
Omega said:
Has she told you that she is eating an extra meal while you are gone - or is that something that you have assumed to account for the weight gain?

Other than your marriage - has anything else changed?
- were you living together before - and if so were you doing the same job?
-- maybe she is lonely in the house by herself while you are out working night shift

- did you go out together more often? - and if so was it to things which would involve an element of exercise - e.g. dancing

- have finances changed? - if you have taken on a mortgage or a big rent commitment - could that be causing her to feel stressed.

- other than a weight gain - have there been any other changes in her health (e.g. problems with periods, skin or hair problems)? People can gain weight associated with a hormonal medical condition. I experienced a big weight gain around the time of my marriage which was triggered by a birth control pill that I started taking at that time.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your responses. Here are some answers to your questions.
She told me that she was eating a second meal
We can't go out as much anymore because of our schedules but the dancing is a good idea.
Our finances have not changed.
She has been on the pill for quite some time
 
KaraCooks said:
IN addition to what Omega said, I have a couple of other questions - not necessarily that you need to answer them here unless you want to, but some things for you to think about.

You say she eats as much as you or tries to match you, but since she was significantly overweight before, it sounds to me that this might be unconscious rather than conscious. I know that when I was eating with my ex it was easy for me to "justify" in my own mind eating more - not consciously .. just that I'd fix 2 plates with equal amounts of food. One thing that helped me was using smaller plates to eat off of - I couldn't load them as full and then I had to make a conscious decision to go back for 2nds ... and when I realized I was eating 2nd helpings, it was easier to stop.

When you eat together, what kinds of meals do you eat? Are the meals you fix healthy, or not? Again, my ex was raised in a "meat and potatoes" household and for him a meal used to be a large serving of starch, a large portion of meat, and some veggies on the side. Usually served with a couple of slices of bread and butter. When we separated, I started eating veggies and meat with starch as the smaller side and just that alone made a huge difference. I hadn't realized how his way of eating - and cooking to make him happy - influenced how I ate. Could this be something you and your wife do and could start making some changes in?

Also you said that *she* starts exercise programs but doesn't follow through - do you ever exercise together? Go out for a walk or a run, go to the gym together, etc? It was always very hard for me to get motivated to go to the gym and exercise when my husband would come home every night and sit on the sofa and veg out. It was very lonely for me to go do these things by myself and even though he encouraged me verbally, I felt like support was lacking because he wasn't out there doing something with me.

I also have to point out that you said in your post "I have sat down and talked to her a couple of times" ... and would like to give you a perspective on that. My husband was fairly athletic and in good shape and didn't have to put a whole lot of visible effort into being fit and slim. Me? I look at food and gain weight. Plus I was never encouraged to be athletic as a kid or young adult. So already I felt at a disadvantage. A couple of times my husband tried to "talk to me" about my weight and ... I'll be honest, even though I know his concerns were about my health (I had heartburn every night, I had no energy, etc. etc.), I was VERY RESENTFUL of what I saw as a holier-than-thou attitude. He honestly had NO idea how hard it was for me to lose weight, to be motivated, to feel like it was something I could do - especially when it was so easy for him. All he had to do was stop drinking Coke for 2 weeks and he'd drop 10-15 lbs. Being "talked to" is quite possibly the WORST thing you can do to help encourage your wife ... it is very likely to make her feel both resentful and think that you find her unattractive or even repulsive. It becomes a cycle that is hard to break.

My suggestion would be if you want your wife to become more interested in her health and weight, that you should be interested in YOURS and invite her to participate. Start working out and ask her to come with you to keep you company - that it's lonely for you by yourself (even if it's not and even if you think she might slow you down or hold you back). Tell her that YOU want to start eating healthier and ask her if she'd be willing to experiment WITH you in different kinds of cooking and eating. Make this something that YOU want to do and you want her to be a part of, not something that you want HER to do to make you happy.

I know it's hard and I do get the impression that your heart is in the right place ... but I also know how hard it is to be the overweight wife of a man who has no problem losing weight and staying in shape. It's very difficult not to be resentful and give up before you've begun.

And ultimately anything that she does will have to be her choice. You can encourage and invite all you want, but she has to make the decision for herself. :)
Click to expand...

We eat healthy becuse she is an excellent cook, her portions seem large though and sometimes she will look at me and say do you want desert, and i honestly dont so i say no thank you and then she will have some and its like "what am i supposed to say, no you can't have that?" I don't want to tell her what she can or can't eat.
We do try to work out together but when we go its tough because the excercises we need to do are different. She needs to tone, i need to build muscle so i usually will run with her and then do my own stuff seperately. I know its hard to do when i dont gain weight and and i know that me talking to her hurts her but it is also difficult for me becuase sometimes i feel she takes me for granted because i will love her no matter what. In my mind i just feel that she has to make the choice to do it and she is not and the more she lets it go the harder it is going to be for her to start again.
Thanks for the responses.
 
We do try to work out together but when we go its tough because the excercises we need to do are different. She needs to tone, i need to build muscle
Click to expand...
Well there's part of your problem. :)

You absolutely do NOT need to do different exercises - and toning is a myth. That whole thing about women need to tone or lift light weights is bs. I'd suggest checking out the sticky posts on the exercise forum, especially the one about weight training for women.

Ideally you both should be doing similar types of exercises with heavy weights - you'll bulk if you're eating right and she'll begin to lean out if she's in a calorie deficit.
 
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