The whole story....
It has occured to me that part of my self sabotage here on this last little bit of weight it dealing with the past 10 months.So, this, in writing for the whole world to see is my story.
I started my weight loss journey aprox 2 years ago when my best friend (ya, she is the 120 lb skinny big boobed blond girl...) anyway, her boyfriend at the time said..."you are just living vicariously thru your skinny friend..." WHAT??? my skinny friend. Ya, I for the first time took a look at where I was, and got on the scale...holy shit, 268 lbs, I was mad, mostly cause he was right. So, I joined Weight Watchers and in the first 6 months lost 50 lbs, pretty easy, took near a year to loose 30 more, and now I am 2 years out and down a total of 90, but the last 20 have been HELL...i flux 7 lbs so easy, as low as 170 on occasion and 177 on days like yesterday.
For the record my motivation sank to an all time low in Sept 08, as my profile said I am a very proud Paramedic, I love my job, but near midnight in the middle of the month I was called to a Code, 32 year old male, CPR in progress...no big deal, Ive been doing this for 10 years, so, bring it on...I'm working the code with a great fire crew and my partner is one of my best friends, and a policeman on scean is a good friend, so, all in all...things are good so far, as we are entubating thru the vomit, my partner is pumping on his chest, I place an IO needle in his leg and begin to push cardiac drugs....just as something catches my eye, a familuar tattoo on his left forarm, my eyes shoot to his right forarm.... another familuar tattoo OMG>>>It's Aaron...besides the man I am married to, the only other man I have loved in my life... 7 years I was with him, my high school sweet heart...we remained friends my whole life, I went to his wedding...to not drag this out anymore, my heart broke a little in that moment, WE continued to do our job, loaded him up, Not that I dont always try my best, but I was also praying for him...in the short 6 min speeding lights and siren trip to the emergency room, the firecrew new there was SOMETHING up...a tear streamed down my face as I was yelling at Aaron to try, pumping on his chest, as the fireman breathed for him, another round of Epi and Atropine...and then, as we rounded the corner to the ER...I see his neck move, I feel it, he has a pulse...Aaron "lived" 3 more days but never woke up. I began to drink more...when you drink, you sure don't feel good enuff to run the next day....That went on for 3 weeks or so...Buck Up Buttercup, back on track, drinking less, working out...Then
3 weeks after Aaron died my mom (whom is 55) had a Dr. opt, she was having some shortness of breath...and well, could be a number of things, but, again, to make it shorter, It wasn't anything, it IS lung cancer, a tumor around the Great Vesels of her heart, sorry, no chance for surg, she got chemo and radiation everyday for 8 weeks....are you kidding me.... Buck up Buttercup...My mom rocked cancer. It was very hard to see, the cancer ward where ppl get treatment is, happy and sad...The staff are true blue people whe really care, thank goodness for them!! I had to be strong for my mom, my dad was by her side every step of the way. Back to drinking a little more, but not to bad, but spending alot of time with mom and dad, so, no regular working out, and eating pretty dang bad, lots of take out.
lets see, we started in Sept with Aaron and Mom, Thru Oct with all that, THEN, My Grandpa Bum...Whom I was very close to, became ill...He too has lung cancer, and it is getting the best of him...He spent most of November in the Hospital, but seemed to turn around and had a big smile on his face. He came home and we are all thankful.
My dad, who is 60 broke a rib at work, he is a liftime railroader, and after a week or so of rib pain is concerned about getting pneumonia and my mom on chemo and radiation thinks he should get on some antibiotics, so, he called me on Dec 6,2009 and asked me to take him to the ER and have it checked out. (btw, i also work in the ER) Blah Blah Blah, 5 hours later, yep, he has a broken rib, and asked the dr to xray his back, it has been bothering him for a few months...seeing a chiropractor and all...the doc dosn't see any fractures there, sends us home, we stop at Walgreens, and Wendys, yep, I'm still not eating well, nor excercising( gosh, I wonder why I can't loose any weight) My parents live 15 min out of town, 10 acres and a beautiful house, we get home, my dad with a smile walkes up the stairs to the kitchen, I am a few seconds behind with the food, and as i look in i see my mom with a frantic look and my dad slump over...What the Fuck??? Dad...Dad....DAD...nothing, I check his corotid pulse, nothing, he is not breathing, What the Fuck....Mom, call 911, tell them dad is having a seizure...this is a bold lie, but in that moment I could not tell my mom dad was dead.... I managed to get my 6ft 4 dad out of the kitchen chair without a secondary head injury and began CPR, I don't know how long it was...but he started to breath on his own, I rolled him over to his side, and waited....for what seemed like ever for the ambulance to arrive( yes the very company I work for) from my dads loss of pulse to their arrival was prob 20 min, he was just comming around better when they got there, I was thankful that the crew working was two of my best buddies, we got oxygen on him, started and IV and put some fast patches on...he was in a normal sinus rythm...my dad did not want us to pick him up, so he stood up, and as soon as he did, his pulse 80...70...60..40...20..asystole(flatline) What the Fuck... he fell back onto the cot, another round of CPR, and he is back again....OMG, What is going on....So, it won't seem short, but this is the condenced version, my dad had 1500cc of fluid around his heart, that was missed earlier in our ER visit( ya, don't ask) the fluid finally squeezed so much his heart couldn't work....that night he had a CT, and thats when they found the lung cancer....Are you kidding me, first mom, grandpa, now dad....ugh!!!! My dad never got better, he died jan 31 2009. lets just say, the drinking, eating and not excercising continued....but, Buck up buttercup....My grandpa bum died 19 days later on my dads birthday. My life fuckn sucks.....but, buck up buttercup!!!
I say that Buck Up Buttercup thing because it was my job as the strong person in my family to be supportive for EVERYONE...no one could see me getting down, then they would have to worry about me too...Plus, its my job to take care of other people, so that is what I do, put my feelings down, with beer and whiskey, and food late at night when no one sees me. and have a smile on my face and a shoulder for someone else to cry on, for the past 10 months!!!!
So, here I am today, I took the month of June off work, I realized I couldn't put a happy face on anymore, I couldn't take care of anyone, I needed to take care of ME. So I am...I'm back on track, I havn't drank in 5 weeks, and I am excercizing more!!! I am going to get this last 20 lbs off.
If you just read this...I hope your eyes are not bleeding...but, I needed to get this out, one more part of healing....I miss my dad...and grandpa.
Oh, and that great place my parents had....now mine, building my mom an apartment and moving up there....we'll see how that goes...lol
I've subscribed ... so I'll see your updates. Good luck on that last 20. It's my last 30 that are kicking my butt. 
