lauraine07
New member
Part 2 came much later than expected--unfortunately I was whisked away after finals to my hometown without internet and I've been unable to write...
MAN this site is confusing. it took me about ten minutes to get to this, i feel like I need a map or something!
anyway, i'm ignoring studying once again and i'm attempting to go on from how it all started.
like i said before, i'm not really sure if i would have ever considered myself to be fat when i was younger. yes, i had a bigger frame, and i definitely didn't look like other kids my age, but weight just seemed to carry differently throughout my body.
i don't exactly recall what changed, but i do remember entering fourth grade and no longer being in that bigger frame size...rather, just fat. chubby. whatever. it doesn't really matter, but i was teased and jealous of my average sized little sister. (side note: my sister and i are best friends, this jealousy never interfered with our sisterly relationship
that summer my mom signed my sister and i up for the swim team. initially i hated it. both my sister and i were extremely inexperienced and we couldn't keep up with the rest of the kids to save the lives of us. fortunately, after about two seasons we got the jist of it and we were pretty damn good.
unfortunately, i have taken diet pills to lose weight, and what's worse is that i started taking them at eleven years old. this was not my idea but my mother's. again, i would like to state that i did grow up in a healthy environment and i couldn't have been with a better mother but i do not agree with the idea of an eleven year old taking diet pills. she assured me it was just because i had a lousy metabolism (i do agree with that) and i needed extra help maintaining my weight. being eleven i believed her and didn't see anything wrong in it.
the sad thing is, i also happened to grow at this point (haven't really grown that much since either...) so between the amazing exercise in swimming, hydroxycut, and that growth spurt, i was still large, but definitely not chubby. unfortunately, i still remember being teased--an eleven year old at 5'6" and 143 pounds just isn't common. i really don't believe in the big bone bullshit but i can tell you that i ate very well and exercised just as much if not more than my other peers, but that's not something my friends understood. from about this age until i went into high school, i grew about 2 more inches and gained about 20 pounds. i don't know when i stopped, but i do know that sometime during that time period i stopped taking hydroxycut. apparently the results had pleased my mom.
i enjoyed middle school but it was a rough time for my self esteem. kids are fucking mean and merciless. one of my best friends was actually the worst. she used to pinch my leg fat (until one day I got so mad
that I slapped her), call me porky, or compare me to Topanga on "Boy Meets World" (she's really pretty but she's big, you know?). When I would try to talk to her about how I would never be skinny, and how
hard it was for me to lose weight, she accused me of never trying. Never mind the fact that I actually ate balanced meals, or that I kicked her ass running the mile in gym, I was just her fat friend. I was also afraid
of liking guys, after being called fat and gross by a friend I really liked in 7th grade. On top of all this, my mom picked out clothes that were very unflattering and too big. Instead of trying to enhance my frame
I just looked frumpy.
Thankfully, in high school some of these things started to change. Lo and behold, other kids started growing, I shopped for myself and I didn't exactly stand out in a bad way anymore. My weight was something
I was still very concious of however, and I can still remember the glare of approval or disapproval in my mother's eyes as I walked down the stairs every morning for school. It was as if she was evaluating my body,
trying to gage how much I weighed or if I should run upstairs and change my clothing.
The summer before my sophomore year is a notable experience of my journey with my weight in life. After the summer swimming season had ended, the Olympics were on and for some reason I went on a crazy crash diet. It
wasn't exactly intentional but for some reason I began to cut out essentially most food-- for about two weeks, I was consuming about a gallon of water a day and only eating fruits and vegetables. I remember
my one exception being tomato soup, which I had once. My parents at the time accused me of taking laxatives to lose weight and my friends accused me of being anorexic. In a sense, I miss that time of being
able to control what I was consuming, which scares me. It wasn't that I was unhealthy or depriving myself of anything (once school started I ate again, but limited myself of all sugars and junk food in general),
I was actually very happy, but confused of the negative reactions from the people I loved. During that time I was weighing myself probably 10 or so times a day, and at my lowest I remember being 159 pounds.
I have yet to see that since.
I eventually lose sight of my limited selections of food during that year and fluctuated with my weight. I had injured my shoulder during that year as well and stopped swimming. During that following summer I was
able to maintain my weight again (unfortunately with the use of hydroxycut) and for a while I weighed between 165-170 pounds. I looked and felt great. Of course, that didn't last and I started to gain weight
again. I was also having extreme mood swings at the time, and my mom was concerned and took me to a doctor. After blood tests and what not, a doctor diagnosed me with polycystic ovary syndrome. I
don't care to explain what that is, and although it made a lot of sense to what was going on at the time, I was confused and not willing to change what I needed to in order to help myself with this condition.
I went into my senior year at 180 pounds, and through dieting, exercise, and a little bit of hydroxycut in there, I was able to shed 10 pounds for my senior picture.
Unfortunately, I gained weight again and my mom tried to take matters into her own hands by arranging an appointment with a hypnotherapist. I wasn't receptive to this but eventually caved in. I don't
remember a lot about that appointment--the hour is blurred by many tears and confusion. I felt so low. I continued meeting with the hypnotherapist, and although I did have some success, they were very
short lived. I don't feel I was in the right frame of mind to begin with regarding these appointments and it was hard to take anything from it. Instead of embracing the idea I just completely rejected it.
I was excited for college, but it gave me the freedom to eat and drink what i wanted without my mom's merciless watch. like other kids my age, i got in trouble with the freshman 20 due to binge drinking
and unlimited dining hall eating. it was disgusting, but it is what it is, and now i'm struggling to get it off.
i've now entered summer after my sophomore year, and i'm SICK of being this big. i'm sick of going back and forth between losing a little bit of weight, and then gaining like, 20 fucking pounds and losing it all.
I'm sick of my mom's glare and sick of worrying whether or not some guy isn't going to like me because of how big i am. I really don't think I'll ever be skinny, but I know right now i'm nowhere near where
I could be. I'm young and in my prime! I want to look back when I'm older and now I made the best of what I had. I know it's going to be hard--but the things worth doing are never easy.
I don't know what my weight is right now, but I'm guessing it's somewhere between 190-200 pounds. It's a lofty goal, but I would like to lose 30 pounds in the next 4-5 months.
Tomorrow I plan on buying a scale for the first time in a long time, evaluating my BMI, and finalizing a plan for this summer so I can be fit and sexy I do plan on writing in this as often as possible (another
goal to be evaluated tomorrow) but without internet this summer it might be difficult. I already feel sooo much better however having this here for me!
I'm open to suggestions, and if you've made it this far with this entry, thanks!
MAN this site is confusing. it took me about ten minutes to get to this, i feel like I need a map or something!
anyway, i'm ignoring studying once again and i'm attempting to go on from how it all started.
like i said before, i'm not really sure if i would have ever considered myself to be fat when i was younger. yes, i had a bigger frame, and i definitely didn't look like other kids my age, but weight just seemed to carry differently throughout my body.
i don't exactly recall what changed, but i do remember entering fourth grade and no longer being in that bigger frame size...rather, just fat. chubby. whatever. it doesn't really matter, but i was teased and jealous of my average sized little sister. (side note: my sister and i are best friends, this jealousy never interfered with our sisterly relationship
that summer my mom signed my sister and i up for the swim team. initially i hated it. both my sister and i were extremely inexperienced and we couldn't keep up with the rest of the kids to save the lives of us. fortunately, after about two seasons we got the jist of it and we were pretty damn good.
unfortunately, i have taken diet pills to lose weight, and what's worse is that i started taking them at eleven years old. this was not my idea but my mother's. again, i would like to state that i did grow up in a healthy environment and i couldn't have been with a better mother but i do not agree with the idea of an eleven year old taking diet pills. she assured me it was just because i had a lousy metabolism (i do agree with that) and i needed extra help maintaining my weight. being eleven i believed her and didn't see anything wrong in it.
the sad thing is, i also happened to grow at this point (haven't really grown that much since either...) so between the amazing exercise in swimming, hydroxycut, and that growth spurt, i was still large, but definitely not chubby. unfortunately, i still remember being teased--an eleven year old at 5'6" and 143 pounds just isn't common. i really don't believe in the big bone bullshit but i can tell you that i ate very well and exercised just as much if not more than my other peers, but that's not something my friends understood. from about this age until i went into high school, i grew about 2 more inches and gained about 20 pounds. i don't know when i stopped, but i do know that sometime during that time period i stopped taking hydroxycut. apparently the results had pleased my mom.
i enjoyed middle school but it was a rough time for my self esteem. kids are fucking mean and merciless. one of my best friends was actually the worst. she used to pinch my leg fat (until one day I got so mad
that I slapped her), call me porky, or compare me to Topanga on "Boy Meets World" (she's really pretty but she's big, you know?). When I would try to talk to her about how I would never be skinny, and how
hard it was for me to lose weight, she accused me of never trying. Never mind the fact that I actually ate balanced meals, or that I kicked her ass running the mile in gym, I was just her fat friend. I was also afraid
of liking guys, after being called fat and gross by a friend I really liked in 7th grade. On top of all this, my mom picked out clothes that were very unflattering and too big. Instead of trying to enhance my frame
I just looked frumpy.
Thankfully, in high school some of these things started to change. Lo and behold, other kids started growing, I shopped for myself and I didn't exactly stand out in a bad way anymore. My weight was something
I was still very concious of however, and I can still remember the glare of approval or disapproval in my mother's eyes as I walked down the stairs every morning for school. It was as if she was evaluating my body,
trying to gage how much I weighed or if I should run upstairs and change my clothing.
The summer before my sophomore year is a notable experience of my journey with my weight in life. After the summer swimming season had ended, the Olympics were on and for some reason I went on a crazy crash diet. It
wasn't exactly intentional but for some reason I began to cut out essentially most food-- for about two weeks, I was consuming about a gallon of water a day and only eating fruits and vegetables. I remember
my one exception being tomato soup, which I had once. My parents at the time accused me of taking laxatives to lose weight and my friends accused me of being anorexic. In a sense, I miss that time of being
able to control what I was consuming, which scares me. It wasn't that I was unhealthy or depriving myself of anything (once school started I ate again, but limited myself of all sugars and junk food in general),
I was actually very happy, but confused of the negative reactions from the people I loved. During that time I was weighing myself probably 10 or so times a day, and at my lowest I remember being 159 pounds.
I have yet to see that since.
I eventually lose sight of my limited selections of food during that year and fluctuated with my weight. I had injured my shoulder during that year as well and stopped swimming. During that following summer I was
able to maintain my weight again (unfortunately with the use of hydroxycut) and for a while I weighed between 165-170 pounds. I looked and felt great. Of course, that didn't last and I started to gain weight
again. I was also having extreme mood swings at the time, and my mom was concerned and took me to a doctor. After blood tests and what not, a doctor diagnosed me with polycystic ovary syndrome. I
don't care to explain what that is, and although it made a lot of sense to what was going on at the time, I was confused and not willing to change what I needed to in order to help myself with this condition.
I went into my senior year at 180 pounds, and through dieting, exercise, and a little bit of hydroxycut in there, I was able to shed 10 pounds for my senior picture.
Unfortunately, I gained weight again and my mom tried to take matters into her own hands by arranging an appointment with a hypnotherapist. I wasn't receptive to this but eventually caved in. I don't
remember a lot about that appointment--the hour is blurred by many tears and confusion. I felt so low. I continued meeting with the hypnotherapist, and although I did have some success, they were very
short lived. I don't feel I was in the right frame of mind to begin with regarding these appointments and it was hard to take anything from it. Instead of embracing the idea I just completely rejected it.
I was excited for college, but it gave me the freedom to eat and drink what i wanted without my mom's merciless watch. like other kids my age, i got in trouble with the freshman 20 due to binge drinking
and unlimited dining hall eating. it was disgusting, but it is what it is, and now i'm struggling to get it off.
i've now entered summer after my sophomore year, and i'm SICK of being this big. i'm sick of going back and forth between losing a little bit of weight, and then gaining like, 20 fucking pounds and losing it all.
I'm sick of my mom's glare and sick of worrying whether or not some guy isn't going to like me because of how big i am. I really don't think I'll ever be skinny, but I know right now i'm nowhere near where
I could be. I'm young and in my prime! I want to look back when I'm older and now I made the best of what I had. I know it's going to be hard--but the things worth doing are never easy.
I don't know what my weight is right now, but I'm guessing it's somewhere between 190-200 pounds. It's a lofty goal, but I would like to lose 30 pounds in the next 4-5 months.
Tomorrow I plan on buying a scale for the first time in a long time, evaluating my BMI, and finalizing a plan for this summer so I can be fit and sexy
I do plan on writing in this as often as possible (anothergoal to be evaluated tomorrow) but without internet this summer it might be difficult. I already feel sooo much better however having this here for me!
I'm open to suggestions, and if you've made it this far with this entry, thanks!
Wow, that is one GIGANTIC entry in your journal! Sorry I don't have time to read it all. The main thing is that you are here and ready to work for what you want. 