GCjared
New member
I just wanted to say first of all, that I love a group like this. I love being healthy staying fit and telling my story to people. With that said I just wanted to tell my story about why and how I lost the weight. You pretty much get the basic jist of it with my last post, but here it goes.
Ever since middle school I had a HARD time fitting in because of my weight and my sexuality. I was about 12 years old and about 250 at that time and I would always get made fun of, if not for how fat I was, it was how gay I was. I was called names like "titie boy" "big shirley", fat boy, fat fuck, fat ass.
I remember one time, I was the "waterboy" of the middle school football team, and I went to the locker room to look for my friend and this guy comes up to me grabs me then "man-boobs" infront of the whole football team and goes "LOOK HIS TITIES ARE BIG AS HELL" and also one time in 7th grade, my class went to Golden corral and I wanted to sit with the "cool kids" well I went over there and said hey and they went "no maurio, you can't eat off our plates". The list goes on and on. It's funny how all of that ridicule did not affect me. Yes, I was sad but I was ok with being big.
Finally at 17 and at a more liberal high school, I decided to come out, and was excited to feel like I had a place to call home, a group of people i could relate to. 315lbs at the time, I still had a hard time finding a place to fit in, even though I transfered high schools. Well one day, I decided to apply to this 'Rate-me" community on LiveJournal called "cutegayboys". Basically, what that was was you would put your picture up and the guys there would vote Yes you're cute or No you're not. Well, I got a whole lot of No's and a whole lot of comments:
"Get on a fuckin treadmill and take the dorritos bag out of your hand"
and
"Blame yourself for being overweight, and blame your parents, they let you get that way"
This of course devestated the crap out me , b/c at the time I felt like I didn't fit in there either.I also felt like this was the only way I was going to get a man, and no guy would ever want me being 315lbs. So at 17, vulnerable and just willing to do ANYTHING to be accepted I decided to lose the weight.
I started running briefly around my neighborhood and walking and running, basically doing intervals. I remember doing my first mile non-stop. I was estatic. Once I got my MP3 player running became fun, it became something that I looked forward to do and wanted to do. It wasn't until my freshman year in college when I started to run harder and longer because I felt like I had to.
120lbs gone
Now that i'm somewhat skinny I see myself having a hard time accepting it. Because i've been fat all of my life. That's all I knew what to be? And the fact that gay men are so superficial doesn't help the sitch either. You'd be so suprise how many guys would still say i'm fat. I guess my biggest fear now is that if I go around thinking that I look better now, that i'm skinnier, someone is going to put me down because there's always been that person to say "Actually, you really aren't", When I used to think i was a good drawer I was told "actually, you aren't" when I wanted to write plays and had plot ideas that I thought were good, people said "no, they are stupid". The truth was, there were right, now that i'm looking back. If I were to say I'm skinny now and someone goes "No you're not" I don't think I could live with that, especially working as hard as I did. I don't know, i'm rambling.
I will admit, losing weight to be more attractive to men may have been a crappy ass reason for me to lose weight, but at the same time, it was the only thing that got my 315lb ass up, out a running and moving and taking care of my body, when nothing else did. My weight loss having given me the privelege to go to clothing stores and find stuff that's actually my size, longer life, and being on the cross country team.
Not my health, not anything.
At 21, I guess you could say now that I sorta am starting to find my place in this world.
ok, i just need to rant so i'll leave you with this quote
"Life doesn't always guarantee anything. I can't guarantee that you'll fit in those size 7 jeans, I can't guarantee that you'll get washboard abs and I can't guarantee that you'll have the figure of a model. What I can guarantee is that if you keep working at it, excercising harder, eating right, you will be able live with yourself knowing that you died trying"
Ever since middle school I had a HARD time fitting in because of my weight and my sexuality. I was about 12 years old and about 250 at that time and I would always get made fun of, if not for how fat I was, it was how gay I was. I was called names like "titie boy" "big shirley", fat boy, fat fuck, fat ass.
I remember one time, I was the "waterboy" of the middle school football team, and I went to the locker room to look for my friend and this guy comes up to me grabs me then "man-boobs" infront of the whole football team and goes "LOOK HIS TITIES ARE BIG AS HELL" and also one time in 7th grade, my class went to Golden corral and I wanted to sit with the "cool kids" well I went over there and said hey and they went "no maurio, you can't eat off our plates". The list goes on and on. It's funny how all of that ridicule did not affect me. Yes, I was sad but I was ok with being big.
Finally at 17 and at a more liberal high school, I decided to come out, and was excited to feel like I had a place to call home, a group of people i could relate to. 315lbs at the time, I still had a hard time finding a place to fit in, even though I transfered high schools. Well one day, I decided to apply to this 'Rate-me" community on LiveJournal called "cutegayboys". Basically, what that was was you would put your picture up and the guys there would vote Yes you're cute or No you're not. Well, I got a whole lot of No's and a whole lot of comments:
"Get on a fuckin treadmill and take the dorritos bag out of your hand"
and
"Blame yourself for being overweight, and blame your parents, they let you get that way"
This of course devestated the crap out me , b/c at the time I felt like I didn't fit in there either.I also felt like this was the only way I was going to get a man, and no guy would ever want me being 315lbs. So at 17, vulnerable and just willing to do ANYTHING to be accepted I decided to lose the weight.
I started running briefly around my neighborhood and walking and running, basically doing intervals. I remember doing my first mile non-stop. I was estatic. Once I got my MP3 player running became fun, it became something that I looked forward to do and wanted to do. It wasn't until my freshman year in college when I started to run harder and longer because I felt like I had to.
120lbs gone
Now that i'm somewhat skinny I see myself having a hard time accepting it. Because i've been fat all of my life. That's all I knew what to be? And the fact that gay men are so superficial doesn't help the sitch either. You'd be so suprise how many guys would still say i'm fat. I guess my biggest fear now is that if I go around thinking that I look better now, that i'm skinnier, someone is going to put me down because there's always been that person to say "Actually, you really aren't", When I used to think i was a good drawer I was told "actually, you aren't" when I wanted to write plays and had plot ideas that I thought were good, people said "no, they are stupid". The truth was, there were right, now that i'm looking back. If I were to say I'm skinny now and someone goes "No you're not" I don't think I could live with that, especially working as hard as I did. I don't know, i'm rambling.
I will admit, losing weight to be more attractive to men may have been a crappy ass reason for me to lose weight, but at the same time, it was the only thing that got my 315lb ass up, out a running and moving and taking care of my body, when nothing else did. My weight loss having given me the privelege to go to clothing stores and find stuff that's actually my size, longer life, and being on the cross country team.
Not my health, not anything.
At 21, I guess you could say now that I sorta am starting to find my place in this world.
ok, i just need to rant so i'll leave you with this quote
"Life doesn't always guarantee anything. I can't guarantee that you'll fit in those size 7 jeans, I can't guarantee that you'll get washboard abs and I can't guarantee that you'll have the figure of a model. What I can guarantee is that if you keep working at it, excercising harder, eating right, you will be able live with yourself knowing that you died trying"
