My search for a better me.

S

star2000_us

New member
I am trying to find the real me. I know that im here somewhere but am not sure where just yet. I started loosing weigh last year but then I quit. I let stress get the best of me and gained some of the weight back. I started this year out 10lbs lighter then I did last year. It just sucks that I was doing so good and gained 20lbs back. I decided to give this another go this year. I got engaged in 2010 and we are planning on getting married sometime this year. I just hope that I can loose enough weight to help me feel like a beautiful bride. My fiancee is very supportive of me and is also the one who got me started with loosing weight. He bought me a wii fit plus for Christmas. I have been using it for an hour and a half 6 days a week. I have been loosing weight which feels amazing. I just hope that this time I can keep on the right track. I need to loose this weight so badly. In my family we have High blood pressure, Diabetes, Heart Disease, and so much more. I know that if I can get healthy it will help me in the long run. I already did my hour and a half today so now I am just making sure that I watch my calorie intake and keep from over doing it. I want to loose this so badly for my fiancee, for my 2 boys, but mostly for me. Well I hope that everyone has a wonderful day!
 
Sorry this is just me getting some stuff off of my chest and it doesn't really have anything to do with weight loss. My fiancee and I have not set a date for our wedding we just know its going to be sometime this year. I can't imagine my life without him but here lately I have been getting cold feet. Im hoping that after typing this that I can move on and look forward to the future. Im just nervous because I got married once and thought it was going to be forever. I didn't expect to have 2 kids and then my husband run off and leave us behind for his cousins fiancee. I paid for my divorce and was glad to do so because it helped me get things the way that I needed. I was able to get my 2 boys and that is all that matters to me. My 2 boys love my fiancee and my oldest even asked him to be his daddy when he was just 5 and now he is fixing to be 9. I just can't stand the thought of another marriage not working. Im older now and should be able to feel better going into it this time around. My fiancee has never been married before and has no biological kids of his own. He says that my 2 is plenty. I just want to have someone that I can spend the rest of my life with and I really feel like he is the one but I just feel like im jumping without a parachute. I havent even been planning anything. I do know that we are going to elope at a little chapel and that I will get a real wedding dress this time around and he is really going to wear a tux. I know that he is going to look so handsome in it. I guess Im just scared that he is going to get to a point that he doesn't want me anymore. My ex was mad because I had 2 boys and he wanted a girl so badly. My fiancee he tells me every day that he loves me and he has always been supportive of me. The one thing that drives me crazy with him is some of his friends are just so annoying at times. I think that they are trying to act like they are in their late teens to early 20's instead of being in their early 30's. I like his friends a lot. I just wish that they would act their age sometimes. That is basically the only thing that drives me crazy about him. I am sorry that this is such an off the wall topic but I just feel like im going to go insane if I keep this bundled up inside and I dont want to scare my fiancee off by just telling him all of this. I hope that maybe eventually I can start looking at dresses and stuff and maybe that will make me feel better. I really do Love him and he is a great dad to my kids. I guess I need to shut up and just be grateful for what I have and not worry about tomorrow but just focus on today. Again sorry for pouring this out on here I just wanted to get it off of my chest so that maybe I can move forward instead of being stuck in the past. I will try my hardest to make the rest of this about my weight loss journey. Well I hope that everyone has a great day!
 
This is your diary and you can talk about what ever you want:smash:Let it all out girl. Then go out there and feel free!
 
Hey! I completely get what you mean by finding your real self. I'm trying to do the same and starting a journal is a great step towards losing weight. I'm sorry to hear you're having some troubles, but it'll all work out eventually! Talking about it will definitely help you figure things out.

Good luck with everything! :)
 
Thanks yall! I appreciate it! I am feeling a lot better today! I just let to much get to me sometimes and I guess I dont know how to let things go. I did get to work out an hour and a half today. I am so exhausted. I havent slept to good this week with the crazy hours that I have had to work. I am ready for the weekend. My fiancee, 2 boys and I are going to go and look around at some flea markets and see what we can find. I worked out last night using my biggest loser game and oh my gosh I was still hurting today from it. You definitely feel the burn. I hope that everyone has a wonderful day!
 
I had an awesome weekend with my fiancee, and 2 boys. We went to visit some of his family, and we went to a lot of fleamarkets. I had fun being out with my guys. We did a lot of walking but the only bad thing is I didn't do so hot on my diet. I usually do great on our weekends out but not this one. I seriously want to beat myself for it but I know whats done is done and I can only focus on now. I am doing a lot better today. I just don't know how I am doing and I think that I am wanting to wait until I feel like im back on track before i find out. I also have to remember to go and get a new battery for my scale. it keeps saying low. Well I am excited to just be back on track and am going to try to not mess up as bad as I did. I went and bought me some size 20 jeans and they fit amazingly. I can't wait until I get to put on a size 18. It has been so many years since I have been able to do something like that. That is my little goal. Well I hope that everyone is having a wonderful day!
 
This really bites big time! I caught a cold or something because yesterday I was running a 101 temp thankfully the temp is gone today but my head is still stuffy and I still have a slight headache. I gained a little weight I last week but when I weighed in today, I was back where I was. Now that i am back on track I have to keep pushing forward. My fiancee and I are supposed to be going somewhere this weekend just the 2 of us. I am supposed to be taking my boys to visit there bio dad this Saturday. He is trying to come up with any excuse he can to not see them but I am not letting him by this weekend. I am the one who does the driving to take them to him and pick them up. I will miss my boys so much and hate being away from them but I know that they still love him no matter what he did. I still would like for them to have a good relationship with him. All I can do is try on my part. I just hope that I feel better for my weekend with my fiancee. We are possibly going and buying me a jet ski. I can't wait. I am hoping that I can loose more weight before Summer gets here. It gives me something to look forward to. I would eventually like to wear a bikini and look good in it. I only worked out for an hour today instead of the hour and a half that I usually do but I had 4 loads of laundry to do, take my mom to the hospital, and go and pick my brother up from work. it was late when I finally got back home. My kids also on top of everything got out early because of snow and so they kept me busy. I think that they are going to go back to school tomorrow because the snow seemed to melt fast but we are supposed to have below freezing temps so some of the roads may become slick. Only the morning will tell. Well I hope that everyone had a wonderful day!
 
I wish that today could have been better! I am having a wonderful time with my fiancee but I am still sick. I guess worse then what I thought I was because I have gotten dizzy twice today and that made me weak each time. I was hardly able to walk around at the flea markets that we stopped at from being weak. We decided to go ahead and get our motel room and I fell asleep instantly. I woke up after a couple of hours and we went out to a nice restaurant. The food was amazing and I was still able to stick to my calories. His mom is driving me insane again. I really can't stand my future mother-in-law. My step mother-in-law is amazing and the greatest woman around. My fiancees mom is a nightmare. She thinks she needs to control everything in all of her kids lives, mind you that they all are adults over 25 years old each. They youngest is now a dad and she still has control of his finances. My fiancee's grandma got all of her grand kids, life insurance policies. My fiancee found out that his mom has her and her husband as the beneficiaries and he was not happy that his step-dad was on there. Well he changed everything to where I became the beneficiary. Well his mom called him and jumped him out last week about it and demanded that he change it back. Well he didn't do it and he got a call today from his grandma and she told him that she got a paper in today stating that the beneficiaries are back to his mom and step-dad. He was not happy about it. He is going to get it changed and try to get everything mailed to us. His mom has one paper that she will never give to him. She doesn't give her kids any of their documents. We are going to have to get his birth certificate ordered just so that we can get our marriage license which is no problem but everything else is annoying. Why can't she realize that he is fixing to get married? She is not your normal mother-in-law she is worse then my first mother-in-law. This woman doesn't accept anyone who doesn't do what is good for her. Including her kids. Sorry I know Im going on but I am so tired of her trying to control everything. It just makes me feel like im a kid all over again. If I wasn't out with my fiancee, I definitely would have been able to work out and use it to get this frustration off. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. Despite all of that, I think that I have lost some weight so I will find out tomorrow when I go home. My fingers are crossed. I can't believe that after I loose 6.7lbs, that I will have less the 100lbs to lose. That is so exciting! I am just going to take my time and take baby steps and accept each lb lost no matter how big or small. Well I hope that everyone has a wonderful day!
 
Today ended up awesome! My fiancee and I went to some flea markets again. We love them and finding new stuff. Well we found a lot of stuff for my fiancee. I found some boots that I am seriously thinking about going back and getting. We went to this one place where I keep finding pants at a great price. I bought another pair and got a new shirt. It feels good to slowly be buying smaller sizes. I am hoping that I reach the 10lb weight loss by the end of this month but will just have to wait and see. I haven't done my exercise yet because my fiancee is watching tv right now. I did find something that I wanted that was a mini stepper but they wanted $55 for it used. I think I can find it cheaper somewhere else. I know that i sound like a cheap person, but I have to try to hold onto as much money as I can so I do what I have to do. I can't believe that it is already time to go back to work tomorrow. This week is going to be hard because when I finally get home, My fiancee will already be gone to work. So now im only going to get to see him an hour a night when he gets home before I go to sleep. We do what we have to do to raise our boys. I just thought I would check in really fast before I forget. I hope that everyone else had a wonderful day as well!
 
Wow what a day! I don't know if im coming or going. I just have had a cray day so far. I am just hoping that when I get off at 8pm that I can get some exercise done. I am feeling really good though. I wore a t-shirt that used to hug my stomach a little more then I wanted and when I had it on this weekend, it fit a lot better. It made me feel so wonderful knowing that I am on the right track. It makes me look forward to each month seeing where it takes me. I feel like im on wonderful trip that will take a little while to get there but will be so worth getting there. When I put clothes on now, I feel better about myself. I know that when you feel better about yourself, that you are going to keep doing what you are doing. I also like the fact that I write down my calories because it holds me accountable for what I put in my mouth and if its something that I wouldn't want to write down then its something that im not going to be eating. For example, a candy bar a lot of calories so I dont want to see it on my book so i am not going to eat it, that away I dont have to write it down. If I eat something, I write it down before I eat it just so that I already have it written down. I wish that I was able to get a little more exercise at this house that im working at right now but there really isn't anything that i can do but that is why I look forward to 8pm when I get off work so that I can go home and get some exercise done. I am so looking forward to it. Well I hope that everyone has a wonderful day and that everyone is on the right track to loosing weight.
 
Today was a day where trying to find myself was not easy. Work was hard, One of my clients has dementia, and so today was a bad day for her. I found out that my kids was still wide awake when I came in after 9pm. I went ahead and exercised though but was only able to get an hour in. I am just exhausted and don't feel 100%. I was excited to get an hour in though. I am just hoping to see the scale move down even if it is just a few ounces. This tonight is going to be short because Im already ready for bed. Well I hope that everyone had a wonderful day!
 
Keep up the hard work and I'm sure you'll see some great results! It's always helpful to have a supportive fiancee/husband. I know the feeling! I went through many of the things you were feeling when I was engaged. Just keep your head up. Good luck. I look forward to hearing more from you.
 
Thanks I appreciate that! Im back to excited about being engaged and getting married and I do know that I am marrying my best friend. I just got cold feet after what I went through the first time and now know that I can't look at this marriage as my last because my fiancee and my ex are way different from each other. My fiancee is so supportive of everything that I do and it makes me feel so good. Like today I saw the scale move and saw that I have lost a little over 11lbs. My fiancee cheered right along with me. When I come in, He has the Tv turned so that it will face where I can have more room to do my exercise. That for me is so sweet. Even if he can't be here in person while I exercise, I know that he is supportive because of the little things that he does. I am so proud to eventually call him my husband. We are getting ready to go soon and look for a house. We found one that we like but have to wait until our money comes in so that we can have some money down. I am so ready and so are our kids. I can't believe that my oldest son will be 9 one week from Thursday! It feels like just yesterday that he was born. I love both of my Miracle boys! I proved the Doctor wrong when he said I would never get to have kids, and I plan on proving him wrong about my weight loss. He always told me that I could diet but that I would never be able to lose all the weight. I am feeling really good today. I did get my full hour and a half in. The wii fit plus is my miracle. It helped me get up and start moving. Now I am looking for more exercise equipment to get, and when it warms up, Im looking forward to getting out doors and walking, jogging, and playing with my 2 boys. They love playing kickball, baseball, and riding bikes. I know that when it comes time to get my wedding dress that im already going to look a little better then before. Each lb gone is going to make me look that much better. So even if I was getting married tomorrow, I think I would be happy with the way I look. I will just keep taking baby steps to reach the end and it will be worth it. I watched biggest loser last night. Sorry im a huge fan of the show but every time I watch I think if they can do it then so can I. Well last night they was all one team at a time put in a room filled with their favorite food and they could eat as much or as little as they wanted. I felt bad for them because a lot of the food is my favorites as well. It was awesome watching them and how they handled it. If they can be that strong then so can I. I am truly on the right path. I have started in the right direction before but then I just stopped. I have know one to blame but me and I just dont want to quit. I want to keep going. I need to keep going. That is why I am so grateful for this diary because it allows me to hold myself accountable for what I do. It helps me to get things off of my chest and just start each day fresh. I have a picture of me and my fiancee in my photo album of me when I was at my heaviest a couple of summers ago. I was 255lbs. I dont ever want to see that size again! Well I guess I had better go because if I don't then I wont ever shut up. LOL. Well I hope that everyone had a great day!
 
I worked out 2 1/2 hours today. I did my hour and a half at home with my wii fit plus and then I did an hour at my kids school tonight. It was a lot of fun. We did some jazzercise, jumprope, basketball, hoolahoops, and just had so much fun. My boys want to do it again. I wish that the school would do it at least once a month. I felt like an ididot trying to do some of the moves during the jazzercise but still felt like I was doing halfway ok. I am so excited to move, still dont have a place yet but we know that we are getting closer to getting a place. I can't wait because then I will have room for my treadmill. I didn't realize how much i miss it. I think that I might actually try to run on it or at least jog soon. I just have to see how stable I am as soon as I get it back out. I haven't been on it in 7 months. :( That is sad to say but i dont have the space here like I did at my old home. I am grateful that I have my wii fit plus, it doesn't take up much space and I can get it out, work out, and then put it back. Well I hope that everyone else had a wonderful day!
 
I Love my wii fit plus! It was a Christmas Gift from My fiancee. He almost got it for me the year before but was afraid that it would offend me. I told him no that I have always wanted one. It is awesome because it keeps up with my workouts, and my weight changes. It makes everything easy! Well you have a great day!
 
Hey Star!
Nice to meet you :) I've just been reading your diary, and you are so well on track, you should be very proud of the progress you're making!

We have a few similarities - I love the Wii fit too, and it is so awesome to weigh yourself on too hey? I couldn't do without mine these days. I love how you can do free step while you're watching TV or a movie or something. And the hula hoop ROCKS!!! I'm so obsessed with trying to break my record ha ha! Have you tried Wii Sports? The tennis is GREAT. I'm addicted to that too.

I also have 2 kids, and my Dr told me when I was younger I'd never be able to have any either. I think that makes me appreciate them even more every day though...

I also love buying things at the market. I haven't been in ages but am hoping to get down to our local one this weekend. I'm lucky we have a huge one just 10 minutes drive from my house. I work (volunteer) at the Salvation Army too and am always finding bargains there as well.

Your hubby to be sounds like such a fantastic guy, I don't blame you for feeling cautious though. When you have one bad relationship it really makes you wary of the next one doesn't it? It sounds like you've got a keeper though, all the sweet things he does for you are really lovely.

Wishing all the best with everything,

Jess :)
 
Thank you! We do have a lot in common. No I havent tried the wii sports yet. I agree with you that it makes us appreciate our kids more since we was told we wouldnt be able to have them. I do have a wonderful fiancee. I don't know what I would do without him. He is amazing. Today we went to some more flea markets and I finally found a stepper that is more reasonable and he bought it for me. I just played around with it a little and it was tough. I was only on it for a minute and did 31 steps, and only burned 4 calories. I have some work ahead of me to get this but I am glad to have something else to do. I can't wait though to one day say I am doing awesome on the stepper. I have a long journey still ahead of me to get where I want but its worth it. I know that I can make it with my fiancee, and my 2 boys support. I enjoyed the outdoors today. It was 70 degrees here and I so loved it! I couldn't imagine being indoors today. Well I hope that everyone had a wonderful day!
 
It has been a while since I have been on here. I have dealt with a lot of snow, and now dealing with a lot of earthquakes. The biggest was a 4.7 so far. I have a new shift where I now have to be at work at 6:30am so it has made things a little hard on me. I am trying something new and today is day 2 of the new diet. I am drinking 2 diet shakes a day which is easier to do with all the travel that I have to do for work. Yesterday I got a bad headache that made me feel so sick, I am not sure if it was because of my diet or what. I am going to keep trying this diet for the Month of March to see if this is what helps me and if it does then I will continue on. It is a lot cheaper then anything else that I have done before. I am going to weigh in on Sundays before I go to bed. I am happy so far with this and I have been keeping bottled water with me to make sure that I drink plenty of water. I am ready to go home tonight and exercise as Long as I dont feel like I did last night. I know it had to have been a migraine and it made it hard to drive home and I just verily made it to bed and just slept longer then I have before. I am still working on getting used to getting up at 5:30am. I am just not a morning person! I am however making sure that I am by the time I get to work. The new lady that I take care of at that time is such a sweetheart. I can't help but be in a great mood when I see her. I am just glad that I have my drinks to help me get something in my body. I work until 7:30pm on Monday and Tuesday and then the rest of the week I just work until 1pm. Crazy hours but I Love my job and can't imagine doing anything else. Well I hope that everything keeps going good for me on this diet.
 
I am so glad that today is Wednesday! This is only day 3 of the new diet but still so far so good. I am getting ready to exercise at 8pm after I get my 2 kids settled in to bed. I am trying to keep a routine going so that I eat around the same times each day, and work out at the same times each day. I am in the process of finding a home and I hope that I will find something soon that is in my price range. We are planning on having a game room, and I am also working on talking my fiancee into a gym room as well. I think moving will help me focus better on my weight loss because I wont be surrounded by so much temptations. I haven't gave into them but still it will be nice to not be around it. Well I am going to go. I hope that everyone had a wonderful day!
 
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