My Magic Diary

[magic8]

I have been away from this forum for AGES and I neither gained nor lost weight while I was away. Basically, I was just thinking about other things for a while. But now, for whatever reason, I'm back and I'm not fucking around this time. I have been counting my calories and exercising regularly since January 4 (yes, I'm a new years resolution maker) and I've lost 7 lbs (although I feel like I must be gaining muscle too because I can really tell a difference in my clothes). I feel ready for this, to stop dieting and adopt a healthy lifestyle, in a way I have not felt ready before. Or at least in a long time. I have not been perfect but I'm doing okay, especially considering I just ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted, for a long time previously. So to start out, I'm going to answer the questions posed in this thread's sticky.


-- How much weight do you want to lose?

Well, that depends on the day. During high school and early college I was a very healthy and athletic 170 lbs. That sounds like a lot for someone who is 5'4" (and it is) but I was almost happy with myself. I was a size 12, and it was just fine. However, the "charts" tell me that I should weigh (AT MOST) 140 lbs. So, I guess I want to get to 140, but that just seems impossible. I once stopped eating for a few months altogether and ended up weighing 150 lbs. and looking gaunt. Another time I got really exercise-obsessed and worked out all the time and watched my diet closely. That time I got down to 165 and wore a size 10. I would LOVE to wear a size 10. I don't think I would feel unhappy with my body if I wore a size 10--I didn't the last time! So, realistically I want to get to a buffed out 165, but in my dreams my weight goal is 135-140. For now, I want to lose 13 lbs. by March 3.

-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?

As long as it takes.

-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?

I have "good day" goals and "bad day" goals. What I really do lies somewhere in between these limits.

Food:
GOOD DAY: ideally, eat 1,000 fewer calories per day than I burn
BAD DAY: burn more calories than I eat every day, no matter how small the deficit)
and always aim for good nutrition regardless of calories

Regarding exercise:
GOOD WEEK: do the Couch-to-5k running training program at my gym 4-5 times per week; do strength training (with DVDs and weights) at home 3 times per week.
BAD WEEK: do 30 minutes of cardio at the gym 3 days per week, and do strength training once per week

I'm shooting for the good weeks, and sometimes I make it. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm good on food but bad on exercise; sometimes it's the other way around. I do feel better than I have in a while, and I feel like I'm doing pretty good for the most part.

-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?

My husband, other people to talk to about weight issues, maybe this forum?

-- How realistic is your goal?

It is very realistic. And this is the first time I have ever believed that.

-- When will you start?

I'm a month in.

Well, feel free to post if you have suggestions or support for me! I need as much as I can get.

 

[magic8]

Managing Stress

Managing stress has been a huge challenge for me lately. I'm working 2 jobs and not sleeping enough, and don't have time to cook. Last night I had a can of soup and 1/2 cup of cashews for dinner after I got home at 11 pm. I'm generally keeping on track, but I feel overwhelmed right now. I am working on a grant (soft money position) and will lose my funding in September. In my field, I need to be applying for jobs now in order to have work come September--yes, it really takes that long. I just don't know what I am going to do. I am in New York right now, and have an interview in Dallas next week. My husband's family lives in Texas and my family lives in California, so we're pretty isolated living out here in NY. I love where I work now, but soft money positions are quite stressful! And stress is not good for weight loss. It's weird, but even though I have been eating between 500 and 1000 calories less than I burn per day, I have not lost any weight in the past week. I do wonder if the fact that I'm always tired and not getting enough sleep has anything to do with it. Or the fact that it's 6 degrees below zero and I'm staying indoors as much as is humanly possible.

I have been working out, though, and getting stronger for sure. The couch-to-5k program from Runner's World is really awesome, especially if you're like me and always viewed running as one activity that you would never be able to do or want to do. They teach you how to build up to run for a half hour straight (or 5k), and it really works. I'm already running further and faster than I ever could in my life. It's awesome to see the changes in your abilities that accompany a committed program of exercise. I truly love the working out part.

Here's the problem: I eat much more on days when I work out than on days when I don't. I am literally much hungrier. I still eat healthy foods, but it is hard to maintain the calorie deficit I want on the days I exercise. It's still worthwhile, though, right? Even if I eat more, isn't it better to keep working out? Will this sudden appetite increase go away if I do it long enough? I hate waiting for results. I'm impatient! But I will keep it up and wait and see. I am starting to disbelieve the age-old tenet of weight loss, "a calorie is a calorie is a calorie." I'm not sure that all calories are created equal after all. It really does seem like cutting carbs results in faster weight loss than just watching calories, but I have not been too successful at that. I'm eating healthy carbs (Kashi 7-grain and sesame pilaf is my fave) but haven't been able to cut them out completely. Something to think about.

According to my calculations, I should have lost more weight by now than I have. I know I'm gaining muscle, though, so maybe that explains it? I am at that stage where it's tempting to give up and stop believing in the possibility that the weight will go away if I can just keep up this lifestyle in the long run. But after 6 weeks or so, part of my brain says to me, "When you were eating whatever you wanted, as much as you wanted, whenever you wanted, you were only 7 lbs. heavier than you are now. And look at how much work you're having to do just to maintain that 7 lb. weight loss than nobody can see anyway. Are you sure you want to keep doing this?"

And I listen, and then tell the voice in my head to STFU. I need to stick with this for a long, long time before coming to any conclusions like that. Right?!

 

[magic8]

Feelings and Food

I am a complete and total emotional eater. Sticking to a healthy life plan for eating and exercise seems to depend upon my emotional state. Which, lately, is not that great. I have suffered from depression for ages, and am taking meds that are supposed to help (but I can't attest to their efficacy). I am living in a cold-weather place, and find myself slipping into depression again, as I have every winter for a while now. I have been taking vitamin D in hopes that that will boost my mood, but I haven't really noticed a difference. In fact, every day I'm finding I have less energy and more stress. I slept all weekend, literally, and didn't get done the tasks I needed to. So now it's Monday, I'm back at work, and I'm even more stressed than ever because I didn't get anything done over the weekend. Plus, I don't even feel rested, despite my hypersomnolence. I feel like a loser. That said, I'm doing great on my eating plan! There seems to be a level of depression that makes me want to eat everything in sight, and another level that makes my appetite disappear altogether. That's where I'm at now. I have been exercising in hopes of boosting my metabolism and my mood; and I do feel quite an improvement in mood right after I'm done working out. It just doesn't last that long. Having struggled with psych issues for so long, I am determined to keep on track no matter what, because bingeing has not been shown to improve my mood or help in the long run, in the past. So I'm trying, trying, trying, and hoping that things will seem better very soon.

 

[LynnZ]

Blah, I feel you on the depression in the winter time. I used to think that was crazy, but once I moved back to the mainland from Hawaii and was out of the sunny weather, I could feel my depression creeping back! Now that I've been tracking it I see that its worse on cold, wintery days. Weird. I stopped taking meds for depression a few years ago and now I'm trying the healthy/fit lifestyle. Hang in there, you seem to have a good grasp on your goals

 

[magic8]

Working It Out

Thanks, L. I know I'm not alone in having mood problems, and it does help to know that others understand. I do believe exercise has been more effective than meds for my depression, but I'm afraid to come off the meds. I've been on them so long, and the consensus seems to be that I need them. So, whatever. Another decision for another time. For now, I am trying to counter the negative thoughts I'm having in my head. When my mood is down, I am quite nasty to myself. I find my mind drifting off and then thoughts like "you don't fit in, you're all alone, why even try, it's pointless" appear. Those thoughts can really knock you on your ass if you don't know what to do with them. I am really trying to talk back to my negative voices (not literal voices, but you know...). In order to succeed at this weight loss and healthy lifestyle thing, I have to believe it is possible. And when I don't believe it's possible, I have to change my own mind. I feel like a dork, but telling myself "YOU CAN DO THIS" over and over again has been helpful.

I went to the gym, still doing the running program. It feels good to run. I have been keeping my calories where I want them, but haven't lost any more weight. I'm tempted to start thinking "Well why keep doing this if the results aren't coming," but then I consciously counter my thought and reaffirm to myself that results will come if I keep it up. It's a long term thing, not a quick strategy, and I will succeed if I am persistent. But damn, it can be hard when you're looking at the scale!

I am not losing weight as quickly as I'd like, and I know I'm eating too much some days (especially carbs, sugar in particular). Instead of bingeing on 5 or 6 king-size candy bars, I'm having 2-3 skinny cow ice cream cones. I thought that would be a big enough change to see some results, but it's not. I need to have one ice cream or none at all. I'm just not losing weight by having 3 deserts, no matter how "light" they may be! And honestly, I really thought I would, given how much crap I was eating beforehand. But now I know, and I need to readjust my plans. I do find that I'm in much better shape than I was just 6 weeks ago, though. I just don't weigh that much less. But I am not giving up! I'll keep making adjustments until I figure out a plan that both works and that I can live with for the long haul.

To your (and my) health!