My Journey at 30

Moose3782

Moose3782

New member
I'll be 30 in less than a month. Seems like as good a time as any to change my life. I'm starting this diary page as a means to keep myself going. A blog of sorts I guess.

I've been overweight since Junior High. I just seem to have gotten bigger and bigger since. I've lost and gained back 100+ pounds at least twice but, now I'm the heaviest I've ever been. On the scale this morning, I saw a 6 in front of my weight for the first time ever. That's unbelievable. I know I have an eating disorder. Food addiction or binge eating or whatever you want to call it. That's my major problem. Don't know how to solve it.

Believe it or not, I have a pretty physical job. I'm on my feet 10 hours a day. Up and down ladders. I don't assume there's too many 500+ pound people that do that. I should be able to drop weight easy! But, when I'm not at work, I'm either eating or sleeping. I'm at the point now where I know it's going to start adversely affecting my health and happiness. I've been lucky so far in the health department. No major issues. Yet. But I know it's just a matter of time if I continue on this path.

I've always been ok being the big guy. It's never really bothered me. (At least that's what I tell myself.) Never really had a hard time making friends. I was active socially in high school and into my twenties. Lately though I've found I'm become a recluse. I make excuses to avoid doing stuff with friends and family. That's what kills me the most. I hate to say it but, I feel like I've wasted a lot of my 20s. The best years of most people's lives. I don't want to say the same 10 years from now about my 30s. I want to change. I need to change.

I guess that's it for now. I'll try to write something everyday. We'll see how that goes.
 
Hello Moose and welcome to the forum. "Right now" is always the best time to make a change, so you´re off to a good start ;) What´s your plan to start the change? Do you know how much you normally eat (versus how much your body needs to keep up with your active job)? I wish you all the best on your journey and I look forward to reading along.
LaMa
 
Welcome to the forum, Moose.

I know this sounds weird, but it's actually a GOOD thing that you feel as though you've wasted most of your 20's. That means you regret decisions you have made, mostly regarding your weight, more specifically your eating habits. I've been dealing with weight issues for years and the only time I make actual, genuine progress is when I feel regret for what I've done with my health. Now, for example, I'm making genuine progress and it's all been fueled by a sincere shame for how I have treated my body paired with an genuine desire to change. Seems like you're in the same boat. That's good.

A great thing to do is start a journal (which you have already done) and post regularly. I've always found it helpful to have interaction with others who are going through the same struggle as I am, especially when I know deep inside I just want to quit. Having others around to encourage and motivate you does a lot of good.

Good luck!!!
 
Hi, Moose & welcome to the forum. I think it's a great idea starting a diary & you have found a really good, safe place. Sharing with us also makes us feel more accountable. I used to often think of having something bad for me & then have second thoughts when I thought that I would feel guilty about it, because of the friendships I have in this forum. Now eating something that's bad for me is not an option. You, too can get to the stage where you feel that your body should be nourished & looked after. Starting right now is a good place to start. All the best, Cate.
 
Welcome to the Forum Moose.

I too decided to start a diary here to get my health and body in check by the time I turned 30. This is THE TIME, because you already realized that you need to make a change...we are so happy to have you here! I suggest that you start with a couple of small-realistic goals and add on to it as weeks go by...it would be nice to know what you usually eat, you mentioned that you have a very active job and so by no means I would suggest cutting down on foods all at once...if you think of this as A LIFETIME CHANGE rather than a quick fix/diet, then by achieving one goal at a time might make you less anxious about some changes related to food...as you learn a bit about nutrition, you will develop a healthier relationship with food and start making better choices naturally.

Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.

Xoxox
 
Thanks for the welcome and quick words of advice! I can already tell this will be a great place to share my issues, gain wisdom, and hopefully make some new friends! It's definitely easier for me to share with strangers rather than close friends and family. (As weird as that sounds.)

As far as losing weight. I know what to do. I've done it before. Massive amounts. Lost and gained. It's just a matter of getting my mind strong enough to do it. I need to get back into a routine. Back to meal prep. Back to high protein/low calorie. I know at my size it'll drop fast. At least for awhile.

My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. I've been making plans with my family to get together. In a way I'm dreading it. How sad is that?? I love my family more than anything. I look forward to every second I can spend with them. But, in my mind, I'm scared. I don't see them super often as I live in a different city. They obviously know I'm a big guy but I feel like every time they see me I'm bigger.

Im actually deciding where we go to eat by what the seating situation is. Booths are pretty much out of the question. I hate that I can't go everywhere I want to go and do what I want to do without thinking about it. It's little things like that I want to lose weight for. Everybody knows it's about health and a longer life. That's obvious. But, for me. It's the little things too. Planning a vacation without worrying about getting on the plane. Sitting in restaurant booths. Running around with my nieces. Buying clothes anywhere I want instead of the Big and Tall store or online.

That's it for now. I'm thinking I'm going to start doing a weigh in Wednesday thing. I'm going to try to only weigh once a week and post it here every Wednesday. Again, we'll see how that goes! :)
 
Maybe write those reasons (and any others that come to mind) down somewhere and read them regularly to keep your mind strong. I may not have made it up as far as you, but I agree it´s more about being comfortable (I was just ranting about how annoying shopping is - both online and off - when you don´t fit the standard sizes). I only see my folks 3 times a year and I´m always nervous about what they´ll think and wheteher or not they´ll be... disappointed (?) in me. Good luck with the weigh-in!
 
Writing down your reasons for wanting to lose weight is a really good idea. Being comfortable & fitting in were my biggest motivators. Let your family know what you are doing Moose. They may be worried about you & giving them the chance to support you might not be a bad idea. I'm so glad you have joined us. You now have a support team! I think most of us find it easier to share in here. It is a safe & non-judgemental place. Cheers, Cate.
 
We talk about it here and there. Not really in depth conversations or anything though. I know they're worried and I know they support me. It's just hard for me to talk to them open and honest about my issues. You always want your parents to be proud of you. I hate to disappoint them. And that's probably just in my head. Deep down, I know they're proud of me.

I have my life together. Good job, my own home and vehicle. Good friends. I'm in control of everything except this. And that annoys me to no end. Why can't I control this one part? My life is good. This is the last thing I need to make it great.
 
I'm sure your parents are proud of you. Speaking from a parent's perspective, when our sons share any issues they may be having, I don't feel any less proud of them. I feel proud that they feel able to let me know how they feel. I love them so much & they don't disappoint me.
Finding the strength & determination to lose weight & keep it off has to come from within. The fact that are in control of everything else in your life & that you are happy with every other aspect of it should be able to translate to losing weight & becoming healthy. Maybe you need some cognitive therapy. Have you had any counselling Moose re your weight? I got counselling for the fist time ever only 7 years ago. I lost my excess weight & still felt bad about myself. It really helped me a lot. It's worth thinking about.
 
I have thought about seeing a therapist about it but just have never pulled the trigger. You always hear stories about people my size getting that way for a reason. It doesn't just happen. But, I haven't had any traumatic events happen to me. I had a great, loving childhood. I tell myself, "what's a therapist going to do? There's nothing wrong." Are they going to be able to figure out what's going on? Who knows? I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
 
I too had a great, loving childhood & had not suffered any trauma. You may get to the same place without therapy. I just know it helped me. I talked about things I had never told anyone else & was very honest. The counsellor I saw just made me feel much better about myself. I have worked on myself since & never had to go back. I think I only had 3 sessions. I'm really glad I did.
 
That's the thing. I don't know if I could be completely honest face to face with a therapist. I know they're not there to judge but I don't know if I could do it. And I know they wouldn't completely be able to help me without my total honesty. Just not there yet.
 
It's an obstacle then. There's no point going without total honesty. That was a huge hurdle for me too, but one I am so glad I overcame. It was not easy. Just keep the thought in the back of your mind Moose. Meanwhile, we'll just have to do :)
 
Hi Moose! Another happy child with awesome parents here and I still went to see a therapist. Didn´t teach me anything new, really, but I guess being willing to go signaled to myself that it´s ok to not always be ok and to ask for help sometimes. Even if it´s just in the form of a hug from a friend. Writing things down here helps me see patterns in my behavior, too. Have you found a place to celebrate yet?
 
Hi Moose, to simplify the psychotherapy aspect, I can attest to therapy helping fix broken people as well as helping to keep well made people from breaking. I've come to learn what matters is how we are feeling now.

For me it was FOOD FOOD FOOD and pretty much FOOD. :) Now having said that, over the course of a long time I found online journaling an awesome method to keep me focused and accountable. I found many hints and tips that worked for me but don't want to take up too much space in here, so will refrain from posting all those in here.

Lifestyle change rules the roost so will just note that as my suggestion for top of the list. Life style change imo requires some form of therapy, however need not be with anyone special other than yourself. That's good news for people who would rather take their time opening up all the curtains and doors. As was the case for myself. I ended up building healthy connections online and also in more than one forum. Targeting several areas I felt I needed help in was more efficient than just bogging myself down in one.

Focusing on the long term and enjoying the changes I made is what worked for me. The more I targeted each change with genuine and kind intend ... the more successful and sustainable each new healthy habit I formed came to be. Mind Set ... putting my mind into each little change like that was the ticket for me. I wish you all the best towards those positive changes you intend to make.

~Dave.
 
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My mind is racing tonight. Too many thoughts to comprehend.

I've been off of work for the past two months with severe vertigo. Given that I climb ladders and use power tools I obviously couldn't perform my job while suffering through that. I did several therapy sessions to try and correct it on top of performing maneuvers at home as well. I was finally cleared to return to work today. Well, within an hour of work the condition came back. Back home I went. Ugh.

On top of that though, I've come to the realization that even when the vertigo finally clears up and I'm able to return, I physically don't know if I can do my job anymore. It's a huge place. Lots of walking and on my feet the whole time. Just the short time I was there my heart was pounding, breathing heavy, legs ready to give out, pouring sweat. I had never felt this miserable and incapable of doing my job. Horrible feeling. Worst is, I did it to myself. Nobody to blame but me. I love my job. I planned on working there my entire life. The fact that that future might be in question scares the hell out of me. I don't know if they'll work with me to try and find a less physical job until I can get my weight under control. I'm terrified to ask.

I'm wondering if I'm too far gone. Too far to lose all of this weight on my own. I've never seriously considered surgery but I might be nearing that point. Believe or not I haven't had an actual check up since I was hired 10 years ago. I don't even have a primary care physician. That'll be the first step.

All of that and more is running through my head right now. I'm scared. I've never admitted that.
 
I am so sorry to hear that Moose :( Having to face your own mortality is hard, and anything impacting professional future/job security is tough as hell anyway. Finding a supportive doctor sounds like a very good start though. Do you know what caused the original vertigo?
We had a discussion a while ago about weight loss surgery. In the end, surgery helps with the physical part of withdrawal but it doesn´t change anything about the reasons why we eat too much - and people often either find ways to "cheat" on their new limitations or fall into a new addiction. Which doesn´t mean it can´t help with weight loss A LOT, it´s just not a simple, perfect solution.
You´re young, you´ve been fit and healthy so far so you must have a lot of resilience and you have supportive people around you. You CAN lose the weight, even if it feels overwhelming right now. Focus on small increments at first and keep at it. Hugs if you want them.
 
I'm sorry to hear that too Moose. :iagree: with everything LaMa has said, I think finding a sympathetic & supportive doctor is step one. Admitting that you're scared is a step forward. Take it one step at a time. I hope your employer has the faith in you that it sounds like you have earned. Try not to be disheartened. Try instead to be determined. We'll support you in any way we can.
 
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