My husband.

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Wifeof

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I'm posting this on behalf of my husband. I'm at a total loss and don't know what to do. My husband is obese. His weight is effecting his quality of life. He has sleep apnea, back problems, digestive problems (ulcers), etc. I CONSTANTLY worry about him, and when I voice those concerns I'm accused of "beating on him". He doesn't appreciate the fact that I sometimes literally cannot sleep for fear that he will stop breathing without me awake to poke him and get him going again. :(

I'm reaching here out as I literally don't know what to do anymore. I'm not perfect myself. In fact, I've put on about 50 pounds since we've been together, but my eating habits are not nearly as bad as his.

I've approached him before about the changes I'm going to make, and have warned him that some things won't be in the house any longer. This infuriates him, as he thinks that it's his money and that I should go out and buy what ever he wants. He takes it personally and fails to realize that I want to better my own health as well, and that I'm not just picking on him.

In fact, it has taken me a few years to be able to talk to him about this. Partially because I've always wanted him to make his own healthy choices, and partially because it is only now that it has gotten really bad. I know what it's like to be nagged about my weight, and I didn't want to be that person to him, but his health is deteriorating and he is not seeing it. I'm scared for him.

The straw that broke the camels back, for me anyway, was his bacterial bronchitis/pneumonia. He was sick, VERY sick, for a few weeks. There were times when I was begging him to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, if only for some oxygen. Coughing was so bad made it even harder for breath, and sleeping was unbearable as he literally could not breath. Either is in denial about how his weight effected him through this, or he as just not owned up to it yet.

If I try to shop and cook healthy, I only end up finding fast food wrappers in his truck. If I don't buy things, I get in trouble for not getting them, or he gets them himself. If I say anything, I'm being "mean" and don't act as though I love him anymore. I can't win, but I don't know how to help him anymore then I already have for the past few years. I can't stand by and watch him kill himself, and I hate to see him in pain. I love him no matter what and I only want him to be healthy so he can enjoy life like I KNOW he wants to.

How do I influence him without being pushy or causing him to be defensive? I'm not mean, or degrading, but at the slightest hint of anything being related to weight or dieting, I'm accused of attacking him. He is VERY defensive about it. I have tried the "let him come to that conclusion on his own" thing for the past two years and it's only getting worse. His family and I are almost ready for an intervention. They're as worried as I am.

I need help getting through to him, otherwise things are just going to get worse.
 
Hi hun...let me tell you, i have the SAME problem. My hubby is very overweight and it does effect his life. BUT really, there is nothing we can do about it. You can't force him to loose weight.

What we can do, is to be examples. Loose weight and excersize. Just make general comments when you are around him like "wow, that workout was great! I feel so much better!" maybe if he can see you loosing weight, being happier, maybe he'll follow suite??
 
Newbride is right. You've already pretty much done all you can. You're setting examples by changing YOUR eating habits, but he has to chose what he wants for himself. Its like forcing a drug or alcohol addict into rehab when they haven't even acknowledged they have a problem. He has to want it on his own. So.. for now all you can do is support him the best you know how and get yourself healthy. It is unfortunate he doesn't realize it, but perhaps one of these days he will wake up and see how it is hindering his life style.

I think one best way to perhaps give him a different perspective is to continue with bettering yourself. If he sees you losing weight, finding more energy and participating in other activities or new activities with ease, he may be encouraged by this. Also, encouraging him to just obtain a yearly physical MAY be helpful. Although it does sound as though he doesn't enjoy visiting doctors, he might realize the information more coming from a third party. It would seem less intrusive than your own commentary.

The truth is.. those of us with a weight problem, well that is just what it is, a problem. Sometimes its hard to take a look at yourself and accept that you have a problem, (of any kind) and no one wants their loved one shoving this in their face. So.. until he can look in the mirror and accept the reality of the situation, you can't force him to.

Good luck.. I know its tough, but for now to keep your home life peaceful I would step back frm pushing him too much over it.:)
 
Sounds like a really tough situation. Without suggesting the weight problem, you should talk to him about his health, and just make sure that he realises how concerned you are for his health.(I'm sure you've probably done this already) I think persuading him going to a good doctor for health problems may be a good idea, things may really sink in then. Because he is being so defensive, I think deep down he feels that he has a problem, but maybe feels powerless to change it, so outwardly shows total denial. I agree that doing things by example is a good approach, and if you have positive outlook at the weight loss, he may start taking part in it as well. I know when I started counting calories, since we eat the same dinners, my husband started counting calories too! He was not writing it down or anything, but he was aware what he ate. He of course lost weight faster then me!

I know on myself tho, that mentioning weight problem does not work. My husband tried to bring it up a few times, and it made me feel really bad, despite him being very-very polite and politically correct.

Good luck I hope things improve!
 
Overweight hubby

Hi,

I feel for you. It is hard for me to step back without trying to help or fix a problem. What I thought of with your post was that you are very caring and kind and are doing the right thing, and your hubby is lucky to have you.

The other thought I had, which for me is hard to remember, is that we can lead a horse to water but we can't make him drink.

I'm sure I would feel the same as you if I were in your position.

Good luck 2 U.

M
 
newbride02 said:
Hi hun...let me tell you, i have the SAME problem. My hubby is very overweight and it does effect his life. BUT really, there is nothing we can do about it. You can't force him to loose weight.

What we can do, is to be examples. Loose weight and excersize. Just make general comments when you are around him like "wow, that workout was great! I feel so much better!" maybe if he can see you loosing weight, being happier, maybe he'll follow suite??
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thats great advice but it doubt it would work with a man such as she has described, he sounds extremely stubborn and set in his ways. i had the same hopes for MY husband as i lost my weight, but nope my hubby is STILL overweight with a 45 inch waist and still stuffs his face with junk. i think an intervention is in order for the sake of his life and i think she should call A&E right away to get him help!
 
My husband had the same problome with me he wanted so much for me to lose weight and there was nothing he could do to get me to do this it had to come when I was sick and tired of being this way Meaning I had to hit rock bottom for myself and no that i had his support when ever i needed him well that day has come I took a look in the mirror and said my God what is happing to me and decided I was going to change my habits and my life and you no what he was supportive of me if he ever would have tryed to change me I would have never done it cause this is about me not him so what Iam saying is let your husband come to this on his own he will in time get sick of it just support what ever desision he takes he is a adult I hope this doesnt sound cocky I just want you to see it is hard and maybe he doesnt see what you see just love him!!!! hope all goes well
 
Thanx guys. The hard part about setting an example is that even if I do try, he makes it so damn difficult because he insists on eating things in front of me. He's Italian to boot, so it's all about food, food, food!!

I really want him to do this with me, but I guess, as it's been pointed out, that it just ain't gunna happen until HE'S ready for it to happen.

Right now the biggest battle is soda. He drinks it like water and doesn't drink enough regular water in the process. I counted the other day - 16 cans in one day. I let them run out and then I stocked the fridge with soda water and juice (cranberry and orange). If he's going to drink 2000 calories a day in liquid, I would rather it be with Vit C while he's sick. He's been asking for 3 days for me to buy some diet soda, which I won't do (that stuff is just as bad for you, if not worse, because of the chemicals and artificial sweeteners).

He then claims he needs the carbonation, so I got him some alkaselzer.

I've never seen a person make excuses for NEEDING soda like he does. LOL.

He could cut down on a lot of unwanted calories just by changing what he drinks. I tried to explain to him that that is a pretty darn easy way to start. Baby steps.. but nope, he won't hear it.

I just want to bang my head on a brick wall at times.
 
You know, this is a tough topic. The reason being is this....

Sure we are people, individuals, and we have the right to do or not to do anything we want. If we want to weigh 500 pds, its our choice, right?

BUT...as a married person, you are asking alot of your spouse. I mean, being overweight (and i'm talking really overweight, not 20 or so pds) puts you at risk for many medical problems, of which one is stroke. If you have a stroke or heart attack and are paralyized. Your spouse now gets to take care of you and make sure her/his day revolves around your care.

Just something to throw out there, but really, I guess unless someone wants to loose it for their own reasons, theres not alot we can do.
 
newbride02 said:
BUT...as a married person, you are asking alot of your spouse. I mean, being overweight (and i'm talking really overweight, not 20 or so pds) puts you at risk for many medical problems, of which one is stroke. If you have a stroke or heart attack and are paralyized. Your spouse now gets to take care of you and make sure her/his day revolves around your care.
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Not only that, but I'm pregnant with our first child. It wasn't really planned, but we're excited as all get out. I hoped it would be the silver lining to this black cloud and help him realize how badly he needs to do this. Not just for us, but now for his FAMILY. I'm scared that the brunt of everything will fall on my shoulders because he'll be too exhausted, sore, etc. I haven't told him this because I know he's excited, and it could just be my hormones causing the paranoia, but it's still a lingering thought...
 
i sympathize with your problem. my boyfriend of 2 years has absolutely horrendous eating habits. or at least he DID. . . . . .i saved him the last of my personal training sessions and he learned that he was 30 lbs over what he thought he weighed and received a wake up call. since then, he's been eating better (at least by his standards) and going to the gym with me! granted, it's only been a week, and it will be interesting to see if he continues with this trend. however, he's taken the outlook that when he's out with friends to eat/drink, he'll eat whatever he wants. when he's just around the house, he's going to ease up and try to eat better. that way he can still have his beloved cheese fries, but not order them in every other night.

i think really that it takes a wake up call for an individual to change. i had a boyfriend who used to tell me that i should lose weight. (now granted, i was about 30 lbs lighter then than i am now. . . . . . .so the fault was on him - he was a controlling a$$) i absolutely resented him for it. i felt like i wasn't good enough, and actually started smoking because it was something i could do that he didn't know about (long-distance relationship) and it was kinda 'getting back' at him if that makes any sense. long story short - he has got to realize for himself that he needs to lose the weight. it really sounds like you're doing all you can do to help him realize it.

i liked the suggestion of having a yearly physical. maybe if it's a doctor telling him what he's doing to himself, he will listen more.

good luck hon, it sounds like you're working really hard to help him.
 
newbride you do have a good point. . . . .i never thought about it that way. (then again i've never been married) i have spoken about the boy's weight with him in those terms. . . . .that it's not that i feel a certain way about his looks, but rather that i worry for his health.

also with the baby on the way. . . .that does make it more complicated, not to mention the example he will be setting for a child. :-/ i think that you should bring that concern up with him, and i don't think it's paranoia at all. it's a legitimate concern about your new family.
 
hi there!

I really feel for you as it seems your fighting a losing battle

you have to remember that food is an addiction - its harder to give up than smoking because you always have to eat.... - i seriously dont think he will do it until he really wants to do it and he doesnt seem ready yet...
he obviously knows its killing him - i have sleep apnea too and it does scare my husband but then i have it when i am slim too - you can buy cpap machines that you wear at night and your sleep apnea will be gone!
sleep apnea is a viscious circle because you never gt into a deep sleep so your always tired through the day so you dont want to do anything becasue you feel so lethargic and u tend to eat more and you put on weight but the extra weight makes it much worse! sleep apnea is potentially life threatening - i know he sounds like he is stubborn but i think if it was me i would sit my husband down and very calmly and seriously say to him...
your putting your life at risk with your weight and you dont seem able to do anything about it and i need you to get help because i want our child to grow up knowing their daddy (emotional blackmail i know) but hey its true! tell him you love him for what he is but its his health your worried about...you may have done this already i dunno?


diet sodas- i wsa really worried about my husband hes onyl about 20 pounds overweight but he is a truck driver and would drink about the same amount of regular soda as your hubby as he didnt like diet... i was so worried with all that sugar he would develop diabetes - they we discovered coca cola zero - its the best ever - its nothing like the diets and it has zero calories - i know its still not ideal to drink too much but its better than drinking the regular



Good luck
 
Sez said:
you can buy cpap machines that you wear at night and your sleep apnea will be gone!
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He has one that he won't wear!! His mom lent him the thousand dollars to buy one and he wore it for three nights and now it's full of dust. He says it's too much of a pain to keep it clean and add fresh water, so I did it for him, and he still wouldn't wear it. Then I found out that the mask was uncomfortable, and I suspect it was because it was digging into his cheeks, so I told him I'd help him find a different mask.. that was about 6 months ago. Even when he was wearing it he complained about the hose. :rolleyes:


tell him you love him for what he is but its his health your worried about...you may have done this already i dunno?
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Yup. Our conversations start out with how concerned I am for him, and how I want him to feel better, and how HE has the power to do that for himself.

i was so worried with all that sugar he would develop diabetes - they we discovered coca cola zero - its the best ever - its nothing like the diets and it has zero calories - i know its still not ideal to drink too much but its better than drinking the regular
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Coca-cola C2 is still sweetened with aspartame.
 
heathercb04 said:
i liked the suggestion of having a yearly physical. maybe if it's a doctor telling him what he's doing to himself, he will listen more.
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The really frustrating thing is that he IS a doctor. He's a naturopath and research MD. He specializes in autoimmune disorders, cancer, and other things.

When we have our "discussions" he *tries* (key word) to pull the wool over my eyes. He must honestly think I'm an idiot if he can convince me he "needs" soda in his diet. :rolleyes:

I've told him that if I went to him for natural medicine that I'd be dubious of his theories being that he is not an image of health. I've tried talking to him to make him realize what his patients are thinking. He can't very well tell a person to adopt an all natural organic life style and then drink 16 sodas in one day!!

Although, I must say, after our talk last night he surprised me today. When I asked what he wanted for lunch he said "nothing" (in a pouty voice of course). He then went on to tell me he was never going to eat again, which of course I wasn't going to let happen. That only makes the problem worse because then you end up binging.. so we both had greek salads for dinner, and surprisingly, he's not turning the house upside down for something else. :D
 
maybe he can try just cutting his soda intake in half, or even a quarter, and just slowly work on weaning him?
 
Yeah, cutting down slowly is the key. My husband used to drink soda all the time. Soda was the only thing he drank. He could drink 2 liter bottles in 1 day. I am not sure what finally made him cut down, whether the weight loss thing or the fact that I was nagging him about the bad health effects of this stuff and calories in it, but he started cutting down a lot. At first just substituting 1 glass with water, then two, etc. He lost 10 lbs just from cutting out soda. He still drinks a glass or two, but its much better then 10!

Your husband needs to access what it is about soda that he likes so much, and find a substitute. If he starts substituting at least 1 glass a day, then slowly progress with more, and then before he knows it he won't be as dependant on it.

It sounds from your last post that he may start realizing that he needs to do something about the situation, so he may be right near turn-around point! I think the key is to make adjustments very slowly, not in an all-or-nothing kind of way.

Good luck to you, hope everything will work out!
 
Hi, I read through the posts here and I feel like I really need to respond. First of all, I do understand completely what you're going through. My husband is also extremely obese. I have the feeling that you and I are talking about the same thing not people who are 30 pounds over weight. My husband weighs 430 pounds which is 200 pounds over his ideal weight. It's so scary to listen to him struggle to breathe at night. He has asthma and smokes like a freight train! You can talk til your blue in the face. The fact is that he knows everything your telling him. Even if he wasn't a doctor he would know. I understand you concern about diet sodas, but if he's willing to give up the regular ones for the diet, couldn't that be his baby step? Consider what 16 cans of basically pure sugar is doing to him. My husband is a truck driver so he's out on the road alot. I can't watch over what he eats and it terrifies me. I find receipts for his meals sometimes and it amazes me. I recently found one from Wendy's and it was for a Triple Meat Combo (super size) with a second triple meat burger on the side!! I have been carefully trying to get him to change these bad habits for years now and some months are good and some months are bad. As I'm losing weight, I find that it doesn't encourage him to join me. It simply makes him start thinking about things like she's gonna look real good and not want me anymore. I have to work really hard to make him see that I love him no matter what. I wish I could tell you that there is some point when it all works out, but I haven't found it yet. I won't give up on him though. He is a very unhappy man and I believe that alot of it has to do with the chronic pain and breathing problems. He asks me what he can do about his back hurting or his swollen ankles. I used to try to be sweet about it. Now I just tell him, You know what you need to do. A couple of times he has broken down and admitted to how worried he is too, but that was after seeing family members have health problems. I'm afraid that it's gonna have to strike him before he will really take charge of his own body. I just hope he survives. Stubborn men don't stop being stubborn just because we love them. The way you describe your husbands attitude sounds just like mine. I'm here for you if you need me. If you come up with ideas let me know, and I will do the same.
 
Evary body is right

HI everyone,

I know how difficult it is to handle hubbies.They dont want to follow our words but want us to folow them. The best way is to loose your weight and show them that we have the ability to loose but they dont have.

I was obese and i collected information about obesity and weight loss from internet. After collecting information from. i decided to loose weight by taking diet pills and i have done it.

Now i am slim and my husband still faty.but now he feels jealous and he is also taking pill named Phentermine. He has not told me that he is doing so, but i know now he will do it.

I think the best way to handle husband is to do things first yourself and than they will do.
 
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April"135" said:
Stubborn men don't stop being stubborn just because we love them.
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Boy, isn't that the truth!!

The way you describe your husbands attitude sounds just like mine. I'm here for you if you need me. If you come up with ideas let me know, and I will do the same.
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Thank-you, I appreciate it!!
 
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