My daily rants

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yellowmirror

New member
Day 1 of a new me

This whole losing weight thing is really getting to me.. in 2013, I must have started a new diet a dozen times. I started exercising for a period of time, joined a gym (figuring that would FORCE me to go since I’m paying anyway) it didn’t last long. Then I start cutting my calories to a reasonable amount and all I do is dream of junk food, cookies, ice cream and cake and before you know it I’m in my car driving to the store to get the very thing I am trying to avoid. That horrible thing called junk food that makes me so ill, it keeps me up at night with terrible indigestion
, it gives me very bad gas and makes me feel all around like junk. I feel like a drug addict, but food is my drug. I see my body taking on a shape I do not like, cellulite on my arms, really? My legs are just so big, my thighs stick together, my stomach? Forget it, all blubber. I am 5’4” and I weigh 213 lbs.

How did I let myself get here?

I have been overweight ever since I can remember. As a kid I remember being very active, always out riding my bike ALWAYS, and roller skating, and running around with the neighborhood kids playing tag, etc., so I wasn’t a lazy child, nevertheless I was overweight and teased. As an adult my weight was between 165-175 and yes I know that’s heavy, I was about a size 12-14, I had a few pregnancies in between but never ever EVER hit 200 lbs, even during pregnancy. But now here I am at 213.

I am totally disgusted with myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the way clothes look on me. I hate feeling the big fat roll getting in the way when I try to pick something up off of the floor and when I sit it’s like something is on my lap, it’s my fat. I hate when I sit and feel the blubber on my back and around my sides. I feel so disgusting. Even my fingers are taking on a “fat” shape.. something they never did. I now have those fat fingers. I really disgust myself. I can’t cross my legs, I am struggling to wipe myself (I know TMI) but I have to say it somewhere. So it seems easy enough, I am fat and I don’t want to be fat so I should exercise and cut calories, I KNOW what to do. I am an intelligent lady. I have lost a significant amount of weight years ago through proper nutrition and exercising. I know I don’t have to deprive myself and I know moderation is key. But I can’t seem to stick with it this time. I get a day or 2 on track then bam, I binge. I can go a week or 2 and BAM, binge. I know the binge will sicken me. Example.. in December (a month ago) I got down under 200, the scale was wavering between 198-199 lbs., that was a reason to celebrate. I did, by stuffing my fat face. I don’t know why.

I should have rewarded myself with something other than food, it’s as if I am punishing myself for hard work. I could even start to see my body looking leaner (I know that’s probably not the right word being so heavy) but it’s the only word I can use that fits this scenario. It makes NO sense why I do this to myself. The funny thing is that when I’m cutting calories, when I’m exercising, at the end of the day I feel so accomplished and proud of myself. I can pat myself on the back for exercising even though I may not have wanted to, I still put that DVD in and finished it. Even though I may have wanted some sort of sugary treat, I went against it and kept myself under my calorie goal and I feel so so so so good about myself. I wake up with a sense of pride and I do it again…I feel so good, my confidence starts to build… that is, until I fail. Then I eat quarts of ice cream, cookies, doesn’t matter as long as it’s food it’s going in. I eat until I literally can’t eat anymore.

I have to get the strength to overcome this. My entire attitude has taken a nosedive, I am turning into a not so nice wife and I get irrationally mad at my husband and then I yell at him because I hate myself, I know.. senseless. He is too kind, he tells me I am “hot, pretty, beautiful, gorgeous” and will even go into detail about what he loves about each and every body part, for no reason. I just finally told him last night how sick I am of myself and my weight, my body, my eating and that it’s not him.. he was shocked to find out what I have been going through internally/mentally. He kept saying “you are so beautiful and you have a beautiful body” .. really? Stop it, just stop it. I know he is trying to make me feel better but c’mon! Yuck!

So I am making some promises to myself for 2014.

I promise to blog every single day about my strengths and weaknesses.

I promise to come up with a solid plan on how to deal with the emotional eating and overcome it.

I promise that when I get mad, angry or sad that I won’t turn to food, I won’t yell at my husband, I will find something positive to do until the feeling passes and I can think straight again.
 
rambling...
So as I sit here scanning through I see so many before and afters and it’s quite inspiring. This is nothing new for me to scan before/after weight loss on this and many other web sites, something has to give for me, something has to click before it’s too late.

My entire body hurts right now, but this is nothing new. I am achy all over. It’s because I’m fat and I know it. I have a hard time moving out of bed lately, that’s just sad.

Today I’m going shopping. Today I am going to plan out my menu. I am going to have prepackaged snacks on hand in the event I have a craving. My plan is to buy lots of spring water, crunchy veggies & if I want dessert I will have to work for it. Maybe do X amount of sit ups or push ups then if I still want it I will have to drink a 10 oz bottle of water, then if I still want it grab a prepackaged healthy snack, then and only then if I HAVE to have it, I’ll have just a bite.. my hope is that I can have enough strength to avoid it altogether. My goal is that if I follow the above steps I won’t want the “bad” food after all. We shall see.

There are so many reasons I would like to lose weight. Years ago when I was on yet another weight loss journey (successfully I should add!), there were some negative comments to myself and others as to why this or that isn’t a good reason to lose weight.. I say there is no bad reason to want to lose weight and get healthy. Same with smoking. I smoked for MANY years and one day I just stopped. Initially it was because of the cost. I told a couple people I stopped because of money and I was told that wasn’t a good enough reason… really now? Who cares why I stopped, the fact remains I quit! So let it be!

I have a long list why I want to lose weight and I really don’t care anymore what anyone thinks! I want to lose weight for obvious reasons to be healthy and to live longer. But there are other reasons, to look good in clothes, to feel comfortable, to show up some people who feel they are better than me due to weight. 2014 will be the year I lose weight, I can feel it. It will be my year.
 
Back so soon? Yup.

I went to the store as promised and got some carrots, along with other essentials needed in the house. As I unpacked the groceries I was craving breakfast, it was almost 11 AM and yes it was time to eat. I only had a cup of coffee earlier today, so I made my egg sandwich (2 slices toast, 1 slice fat free american cheese, 1 scrambled egg, a multivitamin, a green tea pill, and 1 c (measured) skim milk. I realized as I was cooking the egg I was already planning what I’d have afterwards.. this is my problem, this has been my problem, already thinking about what’s next instead of enjoying what was in front of me!

So I told myself no.. we aren’t doing this, nope, no we’re not! Instead of food I chose to come here and blog and drink some bottled water :) As I’m taking sips I can’t believe just how full I am, I mean, I feel overstuffed, and almost to a point I’m going to vomit.. must be all that junk from last night catching up with me, but man oh man, yuck, what an awful feeling! I took an antacid to help settle my stomach. Maybe I ate my egg too quickly, that’s a good possibility since I inhale my food (something else I need to work on).

Anyway, the craving to eat more has definitely passed, this water filled me right up. In a little bit I’m going to peel cut and bag up some carrots for my “go to” snack. Today’s calorie goal will be 1200. Now I have some laundry to take care of and some other housework. That should keep me busy :)
 
It's the hardest time of the night for me
It’s that time of the night when the house is settling down, the cleaning is done, dinner dishes are done, things are set up for tomorrow and this is typically when I would start my food fest, AKA binge. Tonight I will not do that. Earlier when I ran some errands I forgot some things (typical for me to do!) and I am contemplating if I should go out into the cold and get the rest of the stuff or wait it out, I will probably end up going out tonight. My calories are around 800-850 so far and my goal for today was 1200. I also added in a mini goal to drink 32 oz of water each day, it’s harder than I thought it would be! lol I actually enjoy water, but I didn’t think it would be this difficult to drink. It’s only 4 glasses or in my case, 2 bottles full… I drank some after breakfast and wow did that really suppress my desire to eat more! Wow! It really worked! I have just a few ounces to go I can do it.

I noticed this afternoon I was super-full. That is a good thing! Well, I think I’m going to venture out now.
 
Hi.

Well, what can I say? It's always easier to comment on other people's food logs. I'll just say this - I was in an exercise class the other day, and I stated thinking how silly it is to hate myself and my body, cos I looked around, and every single woman in the class had some part of their body that others would want - boobs, butt, face, legs, whatever. Even the prettiest could be outdone in some area. And I just thought how sad it was to loathe yourself over something and not realise your own strengths.

Don't hate yourself and your body. Good things don't grow from sand. You have to build yourself up. Stop the incessant weighing. Put 30 minutes aside every day just for you. Cook all your meals. Don't go into a depression over some chocolate. I don't know, I have a lot of the feelings you do, but I know that means there's no foundation for me to build on. Pump yourself on your attributes, not your perceived failures. Good luck.
 
Regarding inhaling your food - you should try to savour it. Don't eat while doing something else like watching TV or surfing the net. Sit at the table and focus on eating. It sounds silly, and it's something I should do as well, but if you focus on eating and take the time to chew and enjoy the food you may eat less. As for all the bad foods you keep wanting to binge on, when you do get the cravings perhaps try to incorporate small amounts into your meal plan. This way you don't feel completely deprived and end up binging, but you are also sticking within your calories and ensuring the rest of your meals have the nutrition you require.

You know what you need to do, we all do, it's not rocket science. Eat healthier, workout = weight loss, better looking body, happiness. Right? Well yes, easy on paper (or in this case a computer screen), but not so easy in practice. I have the same issue - I know what I need to do, so why can't I just do it? Well it takes time and it takes stopping habits we have had for years and creating new ones. This takes time and practice and focus and will power and we are all bound to slip and fall, just get back up, brush yourself off, try to find out WHY you fell, then forgive yourself and move forward.

Seems you have tried this before, and even had success. So look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself I'm sorry, accept your apology and use that as a step forward. I too hate looking at myself in the mirror, all I see are the horrible things I hate. Try to find even one part of yourself that you like, be it your boobs, hair, eyes, feet, whatever and forget the rest for now.

You can and WILL loss this weight, and no the reasons don't REALLY matter - but if you are not doing this for you chances are it won't stick. Perhaps you have been self sabotaging? I think I have been. You start losing weight, see good progress, and part of you thinks "I don't deserve to look good and be happy" and you end up binging and undoing your hard work. I am trying to work on my self confidence for that and working on my own internal issues that I have, maybe that's something to analyze about yourself? I may be wrong, but could be even just a small unconscious thought that is causing it.

Keep focused, stay motivated, don't stay down when you fall. You can do this!
 
Day 3

So it's day 3, yesterday I stayed under 1200 cals which was my goal and I drank 40 ounces of water, my goal was 32. I like water, but I never actually sat there and drank a set amount. I definitely feel fuller after drinking water, I've heard all the benefits of water and how I would not be hungry after drinking it or how I would eat less but never actually put that theory to the test.....until now, but yeah it does help and I plan on another 32-40 ounces today and I want to eventually build up to 64 ounces a day.. the only problem is having to go to the bathroom all the time!!!

I had plans on going out to eat last night and so I went onto the restaurants web site and figured out the calories and cut way back in the day.. well, plans fell through, sitter canceled and I was pissed off. I had my heart set on that damn steak dinner! UGH.. oh well, maybe next time. In the meantime I ate a fricken grilled cheese, eh.. certainly didn't compare to a steak!

Today I have plans in the AM so that will keep my mind off of food. I haven't added in any exercise yet, I am trying to figure out what I want to do, what I will keep up with. On youtube there are tons of fitness blender workouts and they have some very basic workouts that even I can keep up with. I definitely need the motivation and energy to do them, funny I know that exercise will give me energy but I can't get myself going ha.. typical!
 
Sucks that your plans fell through :( Especially after you were extra careful with your meal planning the rest of the day.

Fitness Blender is great. If you go on their website you can search by time, equipment, difficulty, etc and choose from there what you want to do. I have the same issue with getting up and going to do the workout, but it does feel good afterwards.
 
@icychic: thanks about the fitness blender info.. I noticed that and they have really slow and short workouts lol.. that would be perfect for me! I can not believe I used to do P90 like it was nothing.. ah.. some day I will get back up to that level!
 
It's Friday... most people look forward to Friday but not me, I look forward to Mondays, that's when I get a little time to relax when the kids are in school! Anyway I am doing pretty good, this morning I weighed in at 108 - 3 lbs down. Now I just have to add in exercise and I'll be good to go! I have a LONG day ahead of me at work, not looking forward to today at all, but eh- I will definitely get in a lot of exercise since I'll be doing a lot of moving around. well, gotta get going.
 
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