Ok... So i want to start a diary, and i really really need some support here! Anyone keen to follow my journey will be in for some real trying adventures. I have a lot to achieve, and currently am a self confessed frootloop 
A year ago i weighed in at 94kg/206lbs. Although i had been a gym addict in earlier years, the last few yrs have had no form of excercise. So yes, i was huge and hated myself. I set my goals to lose weight, and lose lots!I live in the country, so started walking, which led to a bit of jogging. I started dieting. Eventually i formed courage to join gym.
Today im at 64.8kg/142.5lbs. I now have new goals. I want to do female figure comps (body building). So yes, still have more body fat to lose, but also needing to gain muscle. Little background history... 18 mnths ago had shoulder surgery, as had had an accident which dislocated my shoulder, then had recurring dislocations. So really, my shoulder was stuffed and havent used them since. So im still doing rehab to strengthen shoulder before i can start doing specific training on shoulders.
Will attempt to put some pics in of a yr ago and nw.....
Ok.... so because this is my first diary entry, i cant tell u my life story yet... dont have the time to write it and dont want to put you off reading my diary haha. But going by the pics, i guess i have achieved a lot in a year. Yes... ive worked my ass off! Yes, i do prefer how i look now to then. I still have a long way to go, but im going to achieve my goals!!!
The thing am learning now more than ever tho, is that life is a mental game. If u wnt to do well in sports, fitness, or any life challenges, its all about your mind. Well shit. Here lies the problem. My mind is out of control!!!
I am writing this diary because i need to get well. I need to get in control of my mind. At the moment, there is no one that knows what goes on in my mind, and no one that knows the real me. I feel like my life is a lie. Everyone is saying 'youve lost so much weight!'. It makes me happy but i feel like a fraud. And because no one knows wats going on in reality, im avoiding any form of accountablilty. But it also leaves me with no support.
So finally i will start this diary, and share wat is wrong and wat i am going through, in the hope that by being honest, even if it is in an anonymous way... that i will start to make the changes i need.
Ok ... so briefly here is why i am the biggest frootloop.
- i am a 32 yr old female, single, never had kids... havent had a partner for over 6 yrs!! (Yup.. pathetic i know... tv is the closest thing to romance for me lol)
- i am bipolar... i think? dunno? On medication for it... Moods go up n down, but the moods depend on my eating/excercise/drinking etc
However would prefer to think im not bipolar as 1) get majorly judged for this and 2) i can go for long periods and be fine.
- i am an alcoholic - Yep... would like to think im in control of this atm but unfortunately not. But i KNOW that if i want to be an athlete etc, that drinking just does not go with that. Drinking stops me wanting to train the next day, and its also the reason i think for my not being able to lose my stomach fat
- i have eating disorders... it swings btwn not eating, and eating LOTS and purging. Its getting worse atm.
- i have social anxiety - i can go to the supermarket, but social things freak me out. Even the gym when there will be lots of ppl is scary.
- i hate myself, have no self esteem, think im ugly as, and am tormented by fear constantly.
Ok... if u r going to write sumthing mean, please dont. This is the most open i have been to anyone ever. I live with these probs constantly with no support, and am sick of it.
So my plan is, is to keep writing in this diary, and starting next week, i am going to take it one day at a time to get thru the future without all these hangups. Unless i beat all these demons i will never be able to get up on stage and compete in a figure comp! Nor will i find a man to love and live a happy life.
Re reading wat i have just written makes it all seem so boring or simplistic. I tell u it is not. I have constant head battles... i want to drink, i want to binge, im too scared to go to training cos i look fat! Someone hasnt txtd me back so they dont like me. I ate a snack last night so i am a failure... Im sick of it. Truly.
I need to sort all this out. Have been battling it for yrs, and im still a sick girl. On the outside i can fake normality, but in my mind it is hell. My good meds stop me crying right now, but cry for me please haha.
So i hope that from here on we will see progress. I know it is not going to be easy, but something has to change! I deserve happiness.
Thanks for taking the time to read this Check in often to see how im going, and offer any advice you can... or just some words of support. I know it will help! I will probably be sporadic with my entries depending on my moods, but keep checking. I'll be back....
A year ago i weighed in at 94kg/206lbs. Although i had been a gym addict in earlier years, the last few yrs have had no form of excercise. So yes, i was huge and hated myself. I set my goals to lose weight, and lose lots!I live in the country, so started walking, which led to a bit of jogging. I started dieting. Eventually i formed courage to join gym.
Today im at 64.8kg/142.5lbs. I now have new goals. I want to do female figure comps (body building). So yes, still have more body fat to lose, but also needing to gain muscle. Little background history... 18 mnths ago had shoulder surgery, as had had an accident which dislocated my shoulder, then had recurring dislocations. So really, my shoulder was stuffed and havent used them since. So im still doing rehab to strengthen shoulder before i can start doing specific training on shoulders.
Will attempt to put some pics in of a yr ago and nw.....
Ok.... so because this is my first diary entry, i cant tell u my life story yet... dont have the time to write it and dont want to put you off reading my diary haha. But going by the pics, i guess i have achieved a lot in a year. Yes... ive worked my ass off! Yes, i do prefer how i look now to then. I still have a long way to go, but im going to achieve my goals!!!
The thing am learning now more than ever tho, is that life is a mental game. If u wnt to do well in sports, fitness, or any life challenges, its all about your mind. Well shit. Here lies the problem. My mind is out of control!!!
I am writing this diary because i need to get well. I need to get in control of my mind. At the moment, there is no one that knows what goes on in my mind, and no one that knows the real me. I feel like my life is a lie. Everyone is saying 'youve lost so much weight!'. It makes me happy but i feel like a fraud. And because no one knows wats going on in reality, im avoiding any form of accountablilty. But it also leaves me with no support.
So finally i will start this diary, and share wat is wrong and wat i am going through, in the hope that by being honest, even if it is in an anonymous way... that i will start to make the changes i need.
Ok ... so briefly here is why i am the biggest frootloop.
- i am a 32 yr old female, single, never had kids... havent had a partner for over 6 yrs!! (Yup.. pathetic i know... tv is the closest thing to romance for me lol)
- i am bipolar... i think? dunno? On medication for it... Moods go up n down, but the moods depend on my eating/excercise/drinking etc
However would prefer to think im not bipolar as 1) get majorly judged for this and 2) i can go for long periods and be fine.
- i am an alcoholic - Yep... would like to think im in control of this atm but unfortunately not. But i KNOW that if i want to be an athlete etc, that drinking just does not go with that. Drinking stops me wanting to train the next day, and its also the reason i think for my not being able to lose my stomach fat
- i have eating disorders... it swings btwn not eating, and eating LOTS and purging. Its getting worse atm.
- i have social anxiety - i can go to the supermarket, but social things freak me out. Even the gym when there will be lots of ppl is scary.
- i hate myself, have no self esteem, think im ugly as, and am tormented by fear constantly.
Ok... if u r going to write sumthing mean, please dont. This is the most open i have been to anyone ever. I live with these probs constantly with no support, and am sick of it.
So my plan is, is to keep writing in this diary, and starting next week, i am going to take it one day at a time to get thru the future without all these hangups. Unless i beat all these demons i will never be able to get up on stage and compete in a figure comp! Nor will i find a man to love and live a happy life.
Re reading wat i have just written makes it all seem so boring or simplistic. I tell u it is not. I have constant head battles... i want to drink, i want to binge, im too scared to go to training cos i look fat! Someone hasnt txtd me back so they dont like me. I ate a snack last night so i am a failure... Im sick of it. Truly.
I need to sort all this out. Have been battling it for yrs, and im still a sick girl. On the outside i can fake normality, but in my mind it is hell. My good meds stop me crying right now, but cry for me please haha.
So i hope that from here on we will see progress. I know it is not going to be easy, but something has to change! I deserve happiness.
Thanks for taking the time to read this
Check in often to see how im going, and offer any advice you can... or just some words of support. I know it will help! I will probably be sporadic with my entries depending on my moods, but keep checking. I'll be back....