Life and Bleuets

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Bleuet

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So I went to my gym yesterday after a 3 week hiatus from dieting and anything resembling exercise. I actually put it off an extra couple of days because I was so scared of what I'd find.

I don't own a scale. Namely because I'm a student and I'm poor (ergo too cheap to buy one), but also because I don't want to be obsessive compulsive about my daily weight since it's so likely to fluctuate. The weekly weigh-in seemed like a good plan when I first decided to seriously commit to my weight loss three months ago (first New year's Resolution I have ever kept!).

So here I was, yesterday, remembering that 3 weeks earlier I had weighed in at 150 lbs - remembering how great I'd been feeling, knowing that I'd lost over 30 lbs so far. Then, the moment of truth....

157 lbs!!!! I gained seven pounds over three weeks of junk food inhalation, birthday beers, and strenuous walks to the bus stop!!!! I immediately jumped on the elliptical, upped my normal intensity, and sweated for an hour. This gave me plenty of time to think.

Why was I so surprised that I could gain that much in 3 weeks if I could lose that amount in the same time span? It was an important reminder, and one that has hopefully smacked me right back on to the bandwagon - my healthy eating habits and efforts to stay active are not and can not be temporary. Even when I finally reach my weight loss goal, there is no going back to my bad habits. Otherwise three weeks of effort that are effectively wiped out will become 5 months of erasable effort. And I do know this, I don't want that whole pizza to myself that badly.

So, here I am today. Seven pounds heavier instead of seven pounds lighter. But if anything, the discovery is only serving to renew my determination. Hopefully. I'm staying away from pizza just in case.
 
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calorie counters!!! Best treats ever!

Sooooo I love eating. Like every other normal person on this planet. The hardest thing for me, then, is the whole not eating thing (also known as portion control and a lockdown on binge eating).

I've been counting calories since January and it's worked so far. I tell myself I can have that cheeseburger if I want to, or those nachos, or that Tim Hortons bagel with cream cheese (if you are not Canadian, you have no idea what pure deliciousness you are missing). The catch is always that these mouthwatering temptations essentially cost me almost or over half of my daily calorie allotment (which I limit from 1200 to 1600 a day). And as I said, I like to eat. Lots. All the time. Suddenly, scarfing that burger does not seem like a good idea because it means I DON'T GET TO EAT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO LATER! Inevitably, I resist the massive calorie-chunky single serving in favour of five (and healthier) servings of food for later. Yay me and my greedy belly.

BUT, even though I can resist the big stuff, the small treats still call to me. And I want them. But even they add up if I'm not careful. SO, after much research (ahem, eating), I give you my top three treats that make you feel like you're cheating when you're not:

3) *Kashi Cherry dark Chocolate granola bars (130 cals): closest thing to a chocolate bar that takes longer than 20 seconds to devour.

2) *President's Choice Natural flavour Microwave popping Corn (100 cals per bag): everyone already knows popcorn is only the greatest diet snack ever. Buying them in their 100 cal bags, though, severely diminishes my own capacity for constant snacking. Portion control. And someone else does it for me. I love it.

1) *President's Choice mini bars of fudgsicles (60 cals per bar): Stop buying Skinny Cow and Weight Watcher's ice cream right now. They're ridiculously expensive. Being a poor student, I scavenged out this cheap alternative (half the price of Skinny Cow and offers more bars). The trick is that the fudgsicles are supposedly "kids sized" which only means they're not massive. Pure deliciousness.

If anyone else out there has some great treats for under 200 calories, let me know!
 
Almost reverted last night. My roommate had pizza and wine for dinner and it just looked so yummy. I reminded myself of my seven pound disaster, but the quick rejoinder argued that I was already seven pounds behind - what's one more cheat day? (cheat meals ALWAYS turn into cheat days. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. And yes, I argue with myself.)

I started to cook my stirfry and eventually the overwhelming urge to stuff my face with pizza receded. By the end of the night, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Even when there hasn't been a numeric change on the scale, finishing up a rock-solid day where there was gym-time and healthy eating makes me feel thinner and more awesome than the day before. But this and other benefits of sticking to the plan are always hard to recall when I am in the throes of pizzaness.

SO, I am going to list my top-five activities that make me feel really good about my progress to remind me next time I almost have a food freak-out that eating well can give me (almost) just as much satisfaction as that pizza:

1) Trying on old clothes. Especially pants. It's one thing to see change in the mirror, but the dress sizes totally legitimize my weight loss as something real and concrete. Also, it makes me feel like those people in weight-loss ads that can fit their whole bodies into one pant leg (won't happen for me, though....unless I develop an eating disorder).

2) Going shopping. My first two months, I dropped weight like crazy but refused to spend what little money I had on clothes I was planning on shrinking out of anyway. BIG mistake. It became harder to motivate myself because even though I was losing weight, I still felt fat and unattractive. Transition clothes that make me feel like the person I want to be make me feel hot, and subsequently, I am more dedicated to maintaining that feeling. Also, Valu Village scores some sweet threads. If you wash them first.

3) Sleeping naked. Seriously. Makes my "new" body feel even sexier. Try it.

4) Sweating it out hardcore at the gym. Now this might not work for everyone, but I have been a competitive athlete all of my life. Going to the gym to train rather than to "do cardio" not only makes my workouts more intense, but also makes me feel like that athlete again. And nothing feels better than feeling like you're a kickass conditioned machine.

5) Looking at a virtual model of my weight loss online. I know, I'm a loser. But even though the digital me doesn't look anything like me, and even though her dress is ugly, and even though the depiction is certainly wildly inaccurate, I love watching her shrink. Legitimation.

So here's to another day. Definitely doing the gym thing. Might sleep naked, too.
 
I have an exam today. And tomorrow. And two take-homes to complete over the weekend. This is bad news - and not just because exams make my writing hand cramp and give me a headache. It means I'm stressed. And not even really about the exams themselves - I know I'm a smart girl, I'll pull it off!

No, exams are bad news because they're paired with the fact that I also have to complete my tax return and mail in my final decision about grad school and that I have to make an appearance at a friend's birthday party. All in the same time span.

Whenever I stress, or I'm pressed for time (same thing in my world), I always do some mindless munching. Always. And carrots do NOT qualify. I have actually eaten a whole jar of icing before. In one sitting. Ha. Wouldn't count, otherwise.

So my personal challenge over the next seven days is to deal without any cheat days (clearly cheat treats are still allowed. I love those mini fudgsicles). Here's hoping!

***************************************

Kicked that exam in the butt. In case anyone out there is paying attention. Also, there have not yet been any pizza disasters.
 
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Just a hi and welcome to the lets make fat our bitch forums (phrase stolen shamelessly from Cord). Got a laugh out of your posts, you got a good writing style.
 
Feenix said:
Just a hi and welcome to the lets make fat our bitch forums (phrase stolen shamelessly from Cord). Got a laugh out of your posts, you got a good writing style.
Click to expand...

Hey Feenix! I like the idea of me and my fat in a dom/sub relationship....as long as I get to be the dom. Thanks for the welcome and the compliment!
 
My roommate lost a mega amount of weight last summer, which is sweet because it makes her a great cheerleader. Also, she's a better cook than I am and this means the meals she makes are delish AND healthy. It probably helps that she's a vegetarian. I am slowly but surely going over to the dark side. Did you know that there is actually such a thing as vegetarian chili? And that it doesn't taste like veggie compost? It's amazing.

Anyway, she's a pack rat (luckily for me) and kept some of her nicer transition clothes which are spring and summer appropriate. So I scored a couple of sweet skirts (she dresses much fancier than I do).

Here's my problem. Actually, it's two-fold. First of all, I am the worst dresser ever. No fashion sense. If I could live in sweatpants without being low-income for the rest of my life, I would. Unfortunately, it's highly unlikely that I'm the next Bill Gates. So I now have these pretty skirts and I have no idea what I'm supposed to wear with them....just my bra, I guess.

Second problem. It's really hard, sometimes, to remember that I'm not as fat as I used to be. I automatically gravitate towards clothing that will hide my body. It feels so dangerous to wear any kind of top that is not accompanied by a cardigan or a jacket. I'm wondering at what point I'll no longer be self-conscious about my clothes (if they're not sweats - don't feel self-conscious in those). Also wondering when the inherent fashion gene that all girls are supposed to possess will kick in.

I guess the moral of the story is that me and those skirts are just not to be.
 
Never say no to skirts, you can find a way!!! (At the very least a hippie inspired boho look :p )

Welcome to the forum, and I agree with Feenix, love your writing, was very entertained :)

I'm Anke... Got a diary somewhere round here, but kinda "fell off the wagon" for a while there, (Christmas to be specific). So I decided to pop around to some fresh new diaries to remotivate myself AGAIN. Isn't that the magic word, though? AGAIN!!!

Ok, so what are you studying/ doing/ working at?
 
Ankebuzz said:
Never say no to skirts, you can find a way!!! (At the very least a hippie inspired boho look :p )

Welcome to the forum, and I agree with Feenix, love your writing, was very entertained :)

I'm Anke... Got a diary somewhere round here, but kinda "fell off the wagon" for a while there, (Christmas to be specific). So I decided to pop around to some fresh new diaries to remotivate myself AGAIN. Isn't that the magic word, though? AGAIN!!!

Ok, so what are you studying/ doing/ working at?
Click to expand...

Hey Anke, thanks for the welcome! And I wish someone would tell my professors that my writing is potentially likeable. I hate "again" too. How's the remotivating going?

I am finishing an undergrad in int. dev and will start an MA in int. affairs next fall :). I'm hoping to survive. What do you do?
 
Hi Bleuet, I just read through your journal and found it to be very honest and warm-hearted :)

Grad school sounds pretty cool! Good luck. It will probably be a few years before I head back to school. I am really enjoying my career now, I work in the clinical research industry, so I don't want to leave. I'm thinking a masters in public health... someday.

Good luck on your weight-loss journey, I look forward to watching it unfold!
 
Well, running is remotivating me... I'm just focusing on training and racing and that's making me want to eat healthy too. :)

Hmmm, what do I do... Well I tried my hand at a BA Journalism after school, dropped out, became a technical writer (writing software user manuals), and now I've just gotten a new job as an internal sales support and client relations person... possibly to lead to being an actual "on-the-road" sales-person. We sell computer and electronics cables and connectors, ehe.
 
I know how you feel I have no sense of fashion whatsoever! :p
what's worse is that I think I've put myself down all this time due to my weight.
and it is hard to make that change from ''I am not big anymore'' we should dress however we like at any weight. have fun with clothes and dress comfortably,
skirts are actually comfty, dresses too. I've been using them for a couple of months now and even if I am chubby I'll say screw it. I am dressing like a girl now. haha

good luck and have fun!
 
Dwwise83: Thanks for the compliment :). How's your own journey going?

Anke: You sound like you've got it all figured out. I'm pretty sure the only career I'd be good at is a student, haha! More school it is.

Amiba: Thank God I'm not the only female mutant. Either I didn't spend enough time with my Barbies when I was younger, or my mother married wrong. I like the skirts! That has to say something! I just can't match them with anything...maybe my rugby jersey?

SOOO class for the semester is officially over (Amen) and this means that my daily schedule has changed (which means that I now go to the gym at a different time than before). Went yesterday and, CRAP, all of the elliptical machines were being used! ALL of them! My gym is pretty big!

Now I am not one of those lurkers. You know, the kind that hang out directly in front of the machine they're waiting for, will possibly angle themselves so they can see your monitor and whether you've surpassed your 30 minute time limit during busy times. Then if you have, they ask you how much time you have left, despite the fact that they already know... I hate lurkers.

So, I sucked it up and hopped on the treadmill while I was waiting for my favourite cardio machine to open up. Wow. I was on it for ten minutes before I remembered all of the reasons why I HATE the treadmill. For all of the other treadmill-haters out there, here are all of my reasons they are last cardio choice:

1) They hurt my knees: Again, this might just be me. I've had so many knee injuries over the years in my various sports that the banging down is definitely uncomfortable. And not worth it unless it will catch me a bus or score me a goal in soccer.

2) You can do it OUTSIDE: Granted, maybe not if it's raining. Or if you live someplace really cold (and Canada does NOT count in that category unless you're a baby). But why would you run on a rubber mat in a sweaty, smelly, humid gym when you could just as easily go for a run in the sunshine through the park?

3) The danger factor: Seriously. I don't know how all of those treadmillers out there do it. When I start running on a treadmill, two things always happen to me. 1) I do not know how to run (or walk) in a straight line. Inevitably, I hit the side of the machine and almost kill myself. 2) I don't know how to run at an automated pace. I either go too fast (which means I step on the front of the machine), or I go too slow (which means I fall off of the machine). Neither are especially fun. I have done both.

4) It makes my neck hurt: From looking down at my feet to avoid all of the aforementioned dangers.

5) I don't have an ipod strap for my arm: This is an issue. Of course I can leave my ipod in the little holder at the front of the machine....but I am never able to stay in the perfect spot for it to work. Either my earphones pop out from the strain or my ipod joins me on the rubber mat and goes for a spin.

Haha. I sound like such a whiner. But I am sticking with my elliptical.
 
I'm not gonna lie, I slacked off big-time yesterday. I ate the right amount of calories, but I didn't eat well. I couldn't!! Yesterday, I was food-restless. I was hungry, but nothing in my apartment was appealing and the thought of actually going to all the effort to cook something was killing me (where's my roomie's cooking - and sharing - skills when I need them?). So I ate microwaveable foods. And not the good ones, either. I mean like dry noodles and 3 bags of popcorn.

Then, I had to kick my own ass just to get to the gym. Let me tell you, going to the gym should never be a hardship (in the practical sense) for me. It's a two minute walk at the end of my street. I have a membership. I had time to go. There were no viable excuses.

But I didn't want to go. I think, in part, because I had pushed myself really hard the day before (intervals for an hour at a new and higher intensity) and had had to listen to awful music while doing it (ruins it! I NEED a good playlist to get me going. I love Michael Franti but it's just not discotheque enough for an hour of self-imposed pain). In the end, I was relieved the workout was over. Not a great feeling.

So yesterday, I was being a baby and actually dreaded the gym. I'm super competitive, even just with myself. So whenever I set a new limit, I always feel as if I have to either match it or surpass it. And I was not up for another killer interval session. I did end up going. I worked out for only about half an hour. And in terms of my intensity, let's put it this way: I read a magazine (without having to reread anything) the entire time. And my hair still looked pretty at the end.

While I have nothing against rest days, yesterday was not supposed to be one of them. But I think my body's over it's mini rebellion against this process by now. Here's to a sweaty session at the gym later! And fewer microveables!
 
So I have the skinniest group of friends. Ever. Like they're all under a size 4. There are five of us that have been tight ever since highschool. Three of them are dancers and all three still train and teach dance for a living. My best friend, Manda, was a cheerleader/rugby player that is now a personal trainer with a degree in nutritional science. She's currently training for her first body-building competition in May. When she told me she was doing it in late December, she inspired me to do my own training (ahem get less fat). I have always been the big girl in the group (though it was more muscle than fat for most of my life). DESPITE ALL THIS, they are not the ones I am most jealous of.

My golden retriever is three years old and he is PERPETUALLY five pounds underweight. He is active and energetic and his food bowl is ALWAYS full. He just never eats it all. AND all of the other dogs love him (he is pretty handsome).

So the real question is: how the hell do I become more like a golden retriever?
 
Wow, sounds like some good sources of inspiration, motivation and knowledge from those friends of yours! Oh, to train and teach belly dancing for a living!

I know what you mean looking at dogs. I mean, they are also always content. It's like they already KNOW what their purpose is here on earth. I think that's it :)
 
I could happily live as a dog. I agree, they look so chilled and happy all the time. Kinda reminds me of Yellowdog in the movie Funny Farm. Tho he was a bit too chilled. In one scene he was lying by the fire and his tail caught fire. Chevy Chase had to move it from him as the dog was too lazy to do it himself.
 
Anke & Feenix, you are spot on (pun not intended) about life as a dog. It always kills me when I'm freaking out about school and my dog is taking a snooze in the sunshine next to his toy.

Okay, so I have a rhetorical question. However, if you have the answers, feel free to fill me in.

Why is it that mere acquaintances or people that don't know you very well or see you very often always comment on how thin and great you look while your friends and family don't notice anything?

I see my brothers and my dad at least twice a month. And we're talkers. And not shy. And brutally honest with a (I think refreshing :) lack of tact. Conversations get interesting. Anyway, I have lost 30 lbs so far (key applause). AND THEY HAVEN'T NOTICED! Now, you could argue that they're men, no explanation required. But my closest female friends haven't remarked on it either! You could also say that it's because it's harder for the people that see you all the time to really see changes. CMON, 30 lbs!!! It's a marked difference to me!

This leads me to one of two conclusions. Either I generally look the same now as I did when I was 30 lbs heavier (which either means I actually looked smaller than reality or that I continue to look fat), OR that the people who love me don't pay any attention to what I look like because it's what's inside that counts....

Clearly, the only rational explanation is the first one. I just can't decide if I used to be skinny or if I'm fat now. Thank God I have a mirror. And my old pants.
 
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