Journey to the best version of myself

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Noregrets85

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Hi guys. I like the idea of a weight loss diary. I'm currently 130 lbs and I'd like to lose 15 lbs, putting me at 115. I'm a shorty, only 5'1. So even though it seems like 130 isn't very high, I'm currently busting out of my clothes and too uncomfortable to wear a bikini.

I used to be around 115 and I was much more comfortable and confident. It was easier to pick out clothes and I felt healthier. I think a large part of what led to the 15 pound gain is wine. Wine, oh wine. I undoubtedly drink too much. I'm either going to have to quit or tone it down to the point where I can fit it into my calorie range for the day.

I guess I'm going to aim to keep my calories around 1300 per day. I sit at a desk all day, so besides my 1 hour of exercise that I try to get in daily, I'm pretty sedentary. I know that I'm currently eating/drinking in way more than that in calories, so that will put me in a deficit. Another issue I have is that I'm an emotional eater. If I have a bad day, or even sometimes just a busy stressful day, I come home and want to eat everything in the house. I will have to keep this in check.

I will try to write in here daily and list my food/exercise/weight loss progress. Hopefully I can write in here instead of drinking/emotional eating as well. Just get my feelings out instead of giving in to them with those two crutches. So that's it for now I think.
 
Hello again! Well, I think today has gone pretty good. I've had a salad and some turkey sausage. For dinner I'm going to have baked chicken breast and veggies. I ran 2 miles. As long as I don't sabotage myself before going to bed, I think I can count this day as a win. I wanted to go for a long bike ride after my lunch, but I was tired (long day yesterday) and opted to sit on my arse and watch tv instead. Something I meant to mention before is that we're going on vacation to a spot where I'll have to wear a bikini in 3 weeks. I'm hoping to lose at least 6 lbs and be 124ish by then. Anyway here are my stats for today if all goes as planned.

Food:
Salad with grilled chicken, green beans, cheese, and corn + honey djion dressing: 440
Turkey sausage sticks: 300
Grilled chicken (150grams): 250
Sliced mushrooms (1 cup): 15
Bell pepper (1 cup): 35
2 glasses of wine: 300
1.5 oz vodka: 100
Total: 1440 calories

Exercise:
Treadmill - 2 miles
 
Well, I'm sad to report that I gave into temptation last night in my usual fashion. I cooked my healthy dinner, ate it, and should have been done for the night. But my husband cooked a huge pot of chicken and dumpling soup and I helped myself to THREE bowls of it. I couldn't stop. So I was great all day and then ruined it by having two dinners. I think the alcohol contributes to this. Yesterday I was 130lbs, this morning I am 131.6. I'm sure some of that is the actual weight of all the liquid from the soup. I was so stuffed I could barely breathe by the time I finished :(.

My bikini vacation is in exactly 3 weeks. I'm so uncomfortable with my weight right now. I literally have to stick to my plan starting today. I think I'm going to quit all alcohol 100% until my vacation. It should really help in my weight loss, but also my liver could probably use a break. I know 3 weeks isn't very long, but hopefully it's long enough to lose at least 6 or 7lbs. I will literally be so sad if instead of enjoying my vacation, I spend it feeling like crap about how I look. Too many times before I've had vacations planned long in advance and I start a weight loss regime at that time, only to fail and end up not reaching my goal. There have also been a few times where I have reached my goals I guess.

I have to do this starting today. No cheating, no excuses. I need to do 3 perfect weeks of healthy clean nutritious food and LOTS of exercise. Eating to fuel my body, not to comfort me mentally. I stand for way too much disappointment if I fail at this. If I could even get down to 125, it would make such a difference. I'm at my highest weight ever right now and I really just can't stress enough how uncomfortable I feel. These 3 weeks are going to fly by, so I need to keep in mind that literally every single tiny decision I make around food will count at this point. I need to make the right choice over and over again.

Just to be clear, this is not about simply losing weight for vacation. That is the start because my vacation is coming up. But there's no way I'll make it to my long term goal (115) by then, so my vacation goal (125) is just a stop along the way. The work will continue long after. This is a lifestyle change. It's about having self control, being the best possible version of myself, and becoming comfortable in my skin- long term.

The no alcohol is going to be hard. I work in a very stressful profession and I just receive a promotion which is even more stress than the last position. I also have a long commute. By the time I come home every night, I'm just ready for a drink to turn off my mind. I really think I can do it though. In November, I quit for 2 weeks before Thanksgiving. I got down to 123 at that time and slowly crept back up.

Anyway, yesterday I did all of my grocery shopping for the week at Trader Joes. I got breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks for the week. All healthy whole foods (fruits, veggies, lean meat, fish, nuts). I am the only thing standing in my way. I may write in here when I'm feeling tempted to veer off path. Especially with the alcohol.

I woke up extra early today so that I can hopefully do 3 miles on the treadmill before work instead of my regular 2 miles. What else? Oh, my TOM is due this week which will try to screw me up I'm sure. I always hold onto water weight but I just have to keep telling myself that if I stick with it, it will all even out eventually. I may need to avoid weighing myself this week. If I am able to do 3 perfect weeks and no alcohol, I'm going to reward myself with a haircut and a sexy new bikini.

That's it for now. Off to the treadmill I go, then work.

Starting weight: 131.6
Short term goal: 125 by 6/3/17
Long term goal: 115
Height: 5'4 (I accidentally said 5'2 above)
 
Weight: 129.5 lbs

I drank alcohol yesterday, but only 2 (measured) drinks. I poured a 3rd, took a tiny sip, then poured it down the drain. I felt bad for a moment about wasting it, but it's not water or food- I don't think there are kids in a third world country starving for alcohol. I appear to be down 2 lbs this morning from yesterday.

I feel exhausted this morning. I recently took a new position at work. It's only 5k more per year and the stress is about 100x more. It's just go go go constantly, 100 emails an hour, more things than I can handle. I only received 2 weeks of training. I'm not sure it was worth it. I had no idea how relaxed my old position was until I took this new one. I came home last night and seriously wanted to go straight to bed. I forced myself to stay up until 8pm though and then I snuck into bed. I slept for a solid 7-8 hours and woke up still feeling tired. I don't think this is the kind of tired that can be fixed with sleep. Mentally I'm just spent. My eating was pretty good yesterday.

Food:
Grapefruit (120g)
Avocado (100g)
Salad with tuna and balsamic vinegar
Turkey and provolone sandwich
Chicken and dumpling soup (1 small bowl)
Turkey sausage sticks (4)
2 vodka and waters (1.5 oz each)
A few chips and some french onion dip (not good, but I lost 2lbs, so hey)

I feel like I'm going to fall over if I try to get on the treadmill this morning (yeah I'm that tired). I need to force myself though because if I want to be 125 in 3 weeks, then every choice counts from here on out. Skip a work out, one step further away from my goal and vice versa.
 
Hello. Well, work stress has gotten the best of me. I really screwed off yesterday. I've screwed off most of the week, actually. Time to stop making excuses and stick with it. There's only 2 weeks left until vacation. I'll be lucky to get to 125 by then at this point. I've decided to really put my foot down with the drinking and sticking to my 1300 calories. I've had zero alcohol today. I made some questionable food choices in the beginning of the day, but I had a great low cal healthy dinner with a glass of water and now I'm done for the day. I had two drinks with calories in them today. I think it was because I was hungover. I crave sugary drinks when I'm hungover. I'm usually not a drink my calories girl (besides alcohol). So you probably won't see me drinking high calorie drinks very often if at all going forward.

Sigh... I suppose that regardless of what weight I am come vacation, my long term goal of 115 is where I want to be in the end and there's no time limit on that. I just need to start making the right choices today and I will get there eventually. I *truly* struggle with emotional eating and consuming too much alcohol. Anyone reading this may think that because I'm only 130lbs, it can't be that bad- but it is. I just finished a nutritious dinner and large glass of water and I'm already fighting the urge to binge. My sick mind is not going to win tonight though! Oh and my period is due any day now, which just makes things even harder, but I'm not going to let that derail me.

Today's Food:
Powerade 100
Iced Tea 80
Egg and cheese on an english muffin 300
Beef jerky 70
Special K cheddar crisps 100
Tuna sandwich 400
Stir fry chicken with mushrooms and red peppers 300
Large glass of water 0
Total: 1,350 Calories
 
So, I think I will check in here each morning even though I posted the night before. Reason being, at night is when I generally fall off the wagon, so I should probably post in the morning to either repent or rejoice.

Today- I am rejoicing! Yesterday was a my first perfect(ish) day. It was my first day without cheating or letting my emotions get the best of me. No snacking or additional food for me yesterday, what you see is what I had. I also haven't had alcohol in over 24 hours. When I say perfect, in my mind it just equates to not over eating/binging and sticking with my goal of 1300 calories. Oh my goodness, I slept like a DREAM last night. I really think alcohol screws with my sleep. Slept like a straight up log!

Ah, needless to say I'm feeling good this morning for a few reasons.
1. It's Friday.
2. I had a perfect day yesterday
3. I didn't drink alcohol
4. I got paid this morning and the extra money is nice even though work is stressful
5. I cleaned the whole house and did all the laundry yesterday, so I get to come home to a nice clean place tonight and don't have to clean this weekend!

The bad part? I'm retaining water like a mofo due to my time of month that is apparently just lurking and waiting for the right time to show up. I wish it could come already so I could get it over with. Not going to let it get me down or derail me though! I probably shouldn't weigh myself until after TOM is gone. Although I probably will. We'll see.

Today unlike most other mornings, I have plenty of energy for the treadmill. Incase I haven't said it, I have a treadmill in my guest room and I wake up at 5am Mon-Fri to exercise before work (I just don't have the energy for cardio after work). I do 2 miles at 4mph and it takes 30 minutes. I feel like I could go further this morning, but I probably don't have enough time.

Oh, something else. I bite my nails. Really bad. Actually, not only the nails, but the skin around the nails. THIS is something that I can have how I want by vacation. Starting today I am going to stop mutilating my nails. I want them to be long, healthy and natural for my vacation. These chewed up little nubs are terrible and make me feel ashamed.

That's all for now. Happy Friday!
 
Hi NoRegrets!
Good for you for taking steps to reach your goal!

I wonder if instead of the alcohol, you could come home, take a hot shower and have a cup of tea? Maybe look for alternative ways to soothe your stress level.

I've had friends who bit their nails who took time to polish (even though there wasn't much) and that was a visual reminder when they started to bite.
Not sure if it will help you, I know that compulsion is strong!
 
Hi. Still suffering from a lack of self control. Got my period yesterday. Weighed in at 130 this morning.

Today's exercise: 2 miles @ 4mph on treadmill.

Food:
4 turkey sausage links- 180
Cashews- 100
Whole Greek salad (panera)- 400
Oven baked all natural chips - 150
3 vodka and sprite zero's - 300
2 cups baked brussel sprouts with balsaminc vinegar and pepper - 90
Total= 1220
 
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