I'm back... for the second time.

M

motivated_

New member
I am in a bad place right now. When I look in the mirror, I hate myself. I hate my body and the way I feel. I feel like I am trapped inside myself. I have yo-yo'd between a low of 152 and a high of 172 in the last four months and I'm completely out of control of my eating habits. When I was 15 I was at a high of 220. I just want to get down to 150 and stay there FOREVER!!!! WHY IS IT SO HARD??????? Why do I lack the discipline to keep myself there? It's like I am self-sabotaging my own happiness. I feel my most confident, sexy, and most important comfortable with myself at 150. The constricting way that my clothes fit me right now is killing me. I feel literally trapped by the calories. I usually go to the gym once a day and I work out hard... I run about 10-15 miles per week. It's all in my eating!!!! I am an active person, I love to be outside. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person, like I am completely subservient to my sweet tooth. Last night I went to dinner with my mom and dad and after three bites of my main meal, I felt comfortably full. I said to myself, I'll take this home in a box. But then I ate the whole thing!!!!! And I felt terrible after dinner. Like a fat slob. With no discipline, no ability to take control of myself and make decisions and stick with them. Right now I am SO ANGRY with myself. My Army uniform fit me perfectly four months ago. Now it is so snug it barely fits. The buttons on my dress blues are pulling. It only looks good when I stand up straight and blow out all of the air in my lungs. I have spanx on.... I haven't had to wear spanx in a year. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just be a normal person????

So I am back. Weight-loss fitness helped me lose about 20lbs last year and I'm going to do it again. I am sick of this body and the way that I feel when I am naked with my boyfriend. I feel disgusting and fat. I know I can do this. I just have to stay with it.

CW: 170
GW: 150
HW: 220
LW: 152

I have a wedding in April, 20Apr. I have 14 weeks until that date. I see my boyfriend again in about four weeks. I know from experience the weight will come off fast in the next 30 days. I will probably be able to lose 8lbs in the next 30 days. After that it will be so hard. But I can do this. I know I can. I have to do this. For myself.

I want to lose 1lb per week for the next 14 weeks. I will do it through exercise, but most importantly diet. I have been drinking like a 19 year old college student (I am 25) for the last four months at this Army school because it's in the middle of no where and there is literally nothing to do. I am cutting out all alcohol for 30 days. I want to see how much it helps me. I graduate today, I am literally sitting in my dress blues with 11 minutes until I have to be at the graduation hall.

I love myself. I absolutely love my body when I weigh 150ish. I want to be that person again, to go to the beach and feel confident and like I fit in. If you asked someone, they would never tell you how unconfident or ashamed of my body I am right now. I have a bubbly personality and I am friendly and people like me. They would be so surprised how negative I am and how much I hate myself right now. I want my outside to match my inside when I am 150. I just want it so much.

So here I am. No one has to read this, I am doing this for myself and only myself. For my health and sanity and happiness and confidence and comfort.

B - black coffee (i know, i'm not trying to starve myself. but graduation is today and i would like to at least look as unfat as possible in my dress uniform. I will eat something as soon as we finish at 1000).

Instead of having coffee, which I promptly dropped all over the inside of my car, I waited and then ate a denver egg white omelette for lunch with two pieces of buttered wheat toast and about half a potato worth of hash browns. i had only water with breakfast/lunch.

L - see above

D - ate at a restaurant with my family and our family friends. had the 700cal or less grilled salmon, steamed green beans, rice pilaf. I also had two boneless chicken wing bites and three fried pickles, and three yeast rolls. i know it wasn't a super great meal but i resisted the fourth roll!! haha. not super proud but it was my last meal for my time in missouri.
 
Today was the day I drove from Missouri to RI, my home state. I started off the day at a diner with my parents for breakfast at 4am. Long car trips can be terrible for me. Gas stations are filled with bad snacks and I get the munchies the most when I'm bored.

B - I had two eggs, over medium and a very large tortilla with cheese and potatoes and some vegetables. I also had coffee with creamer and water. I know it was probably a very calorie rich breakfast but I knew I would be getting in the car and driving for at least four hours before I got to the first gas station.

L - Ate a very late lunch at 3pm. I had a turkey and pepperoni sub with lite mayo from subway, baked BBQ chips and a diet coke with a cherry flavor shot.

S - a pint of blueberries and two slices of asiago cheese.

D - coffee and diet coke, I drove 21 hours straight! and that's all I ate.

I haven't weighed myself yet but I am guessing low 160's. I went to the bathroom a lot yesterday because of all the caffeine and water that I was drinking. Now that I am home I finally feel more at ease with myself and with my food choices.
 
Thats a long drive!!! 21 hours strait!!??!! Hope the roads and traffic were good.

Lookin forward to your journey.

Sorry to chime in sooo soon...but maybe you could try to eat healthier, and more often. Plan a bit... stop at a store and get some fruit for a long haul like that. Maybe some trail mix. Gum to keep the mouth goin! lol I dunno.
I'm sure you'll figure it out. You did it before. You WILL do it again!

Good luck!
 
You said that you weigh 170 in your first post, and now you think you might weigh low 160. If you think that, you have to realize that's not realistic at all. You need to have realistic goals (as you said, 1lb a week is a really good goal).

I know how you feel, I totally do. My highest weight was 255-260, and I beat myself up over having not gotten to my goal over the last 2.5 years. But I tell myself that it could be worse, I could be at my highest weight again. What matters is that you're still close, and you've got the tools and the access to help that will get you there.

As Flumes suggested, plan your meals. I work 7 hours every day, so I bring myself all the food I'll need (I was victim to McDonalds and Burger King for the longest time because it was across the street). If you constantly eat on the go you'll compromise or cave because you'll be hungry and on a timeline. Planning ahead can save you from self-sabotage.
 
Loch - the difference between 170 and low 160s came from eating an extremely salty meal that day before the first post and being super bloated, and now down to what I imagine is like 164ish. My body is very sensitive to salt for some reason... things like sushi, if I go out for sushi my rings will be loose on my fingers before the meal, and immediately after they will be too tight to pull off. I'm not sure why. It usually happens for 2-3 days after a salty meal, and the scale blows up by 4-5lbs. I will get my scale unpacked tomorrow morning and see what it says.

Thanks for the tips :) Now that I'm no longer on temporary duty for training, and I'm back to my regular life in my apartment with my routine I will be much happier. It's funny how your surroundings affect your life. I was always so tired there, and stressed out, and in the room they put me in, the fridge was right by the door. So when I came home after a long day, the kitchen was the first thing I saw... now in my house the kitchen is in the back!!!
 
Today went well. I didn't get to the gym because I was still tired from yesterday but I ate pretty well.

B/L - 6in turkey sub on whole wheat, baked chips, cup of broccoli cheddar soup from subway, diet coke (still hadn't gone grocery shopping or unpacked my car yet)

D - got some groceries, prepared a bell pepper, garbanzo beans, zucchini, snap peas, and a chicken breast in 1tbsp oil with a can of lite coconut milk with some special "no carb" noodles I found at the store.. they were like a thai-type noodle, but with only 20cals per serving and I had about two servings of the noodles. I like them! It feels like you're having pasta (which I loooove) without all the cals. I will have to try them again. I made enough to have the meal again tomorrow for dinner.

Tomorrow the gym opens at 9am so I will be there first thing. Not sure what I'm going to do yet... probably a warm up on the treadmill and some Army ab workouts for the upcoming PT test, as well as pushups, then some BodyRock for ~20mins, and then do like 30 on the treadmill or elliptical. I love to work out, and I am strong and physically fit. I just need to get my eating under control. On my last PT test I did 34 pushups in 2 minutes (I would like to be able to do 46) and 62 situps in two minutes (i would like to do 80) and I ran my 2 miler in 15:37 (one second over where my goal is, 15:36). So those are always things I like to do at the gym and we have a good situp bar for my feet at my gym. I'm so happy to be home and back to my regular gym and kitchen!!! We only have a microwave and a fridge at my barracks room in Missouri. It made eating healthy hard.
 
Your meal sounds delish! I love chicken. Never tried it with coconut milk tho. Gonna look into that.
The noodles sound good too. Thats pretty low cal for noodles. I gotta get some of those.

Your workout looks very powerful too. Hope you push yourself to the max!!!

Good luck!
 
Good morning.. today is going to be a good day!

Did a little unpacking (the car is still bursting with bags) and got my trusty old friend/enemy "The Scale" out. 165.4. So that was all the water weight from five days ago and maybe one actual pound of being disciplined with my calorie intake. As long as it keeps going down, we're good!!!

CW: 165.4
GW: 150 (for now)
HW: 220
LW: 152

B: greek yogurt with blueberries and almonds, a drizzle of agave nectar, sprinkle of uncooked old-fashioned oats and two HB eggs.

L: Sushi minus four pieces and octopus salad. I got the kind without mayo or any of that stuff on it.

D: tofu cooked in garlic and chili pepper paste with the curry from last night.

I need to DRINK MORE WATER!!! I think I will stop and get a gallon jug and drag it around the house/car/work with me so that I can never say I didn't have water with me. That sounds like a plan.

OH! And also, I forgot to mention, I bought a ticket to go to Kansas to visit my boyfriend in 26 days!!! So let's see... that's about three and a half weeks. I would like to weigh 159 when I get on that plane to see him. So it's a little fast-paced, perhaps unrealistic but I know the weight will come off fast in the next two weeks because it always does in the beginning. But 159 is it. Slightly unattainable but it gives me a goal to reach for!!!
 
My roommate made cookies and I really want themmmm... I need to pretend like he's trying to sabotage me. I must be disciplined. No cookies.

Three hours later... still no cookies. Going strong!!!
 
Good job on passing up the cookies.

Eventually control will let you have one or two.

I know I cant have one....i'm waiting for that day of self control too!

You can do it!!
 
Brobleme, I didn't say I wanted to lose 30lbs!!! My GW right now is 150. I weigh 164... I want to lose a lb a week for the next 14 weeks. Maybe you got my thread confused with someone elses??
 
Today is going to be another good day!!!

Did not have cookies last night.... hopefully my discipline from last night will carry over to today.

I have been reading a lot of articles on bodybuilding.com by amateur fitness competitors and bikini models about their diets and workout regimens. I use to take a meal replacement shake made by BSN, and I'm thinking about adding that in again. I would really like to get into crazy good shape. I have always wanted to, but it is so intimidating! And I'm nervous about losing money on gross supplements. I might go to GNC today and see about some of the things I read about in the articles. Those women are so strong and disciplined! I have always had a secret jealousy of women who can run outside in just shorts and a sports bra and look so fit and confident. If I did that, it would be like a jiggly mess. Ew!!!

Another thing the competitors have in common is they eat small meals throughout the day. I tried that once before and I found myself never feeling satisfied, which led me to think about food constantly and made me crazy. But I might try again. It takes so much prep, I will have to be very proactive to make it work. It's a goal!

I weighed myself this morning and I am at 164.8. Baby steps!!!

I'm going to try five meals today.

1: 1 plain greek yogurt, blueberries, almonds, drizzle of agave nectar, sprinkle of uncooked old fashioned oats, 2 HB eggs (0915)

2: whole wheat low carb tortilla (60cal), one red bell pepper chopped, half an avocado, hummus, snap peas, cheese stick. (1130)

3: two BCAA capsules, low carb tortilla, smear of onion cream cheese, smoked salmon, snap peas. (1330)

4: Protein shake (TBD)

5: 5oz chicken, snap peas, bell pepper sauteed with a little brown rice.



I also decided on some products from GNC after a lot of reading and research. I'm going to go with a whey protein isolate, branched chain amino acid supplement, and a glutamine supplement. The protein will be Gold Standard, and the other two are a brand called MusclePharm.

I am really sore from working out yesterday! Hopefully the protein and BCAAs will help me with my muscle recovery as I work out.

I took some chicken out of the freezer yesterday and now that it's thawed I am soaking it in some marinade and chopped it up into about 5oz portions. I will broil it tonight and have it this week for some of my smaller meals. Now I'm heading to the gym and bringing some protein in a shaker for immediately after. I guess that is the best time to have protein. Then when I come back from the gym and running some errands I will have chicken and a small salad or something for my fifth meal.
 
Good morning! First day back at work. The old guys I work with are always bringing in crap.. donuts, chips, etc. I will avoid that area as much as possible! And not cave in!!

I had meals 4&5 a little too close together yesterday. I was starving by 8pm. But I went to bed hungry and didn't have a snack. I always get a sweet tooth at night.

1 - 1 plain greek yogurt, blueberries, sprinkle of oats, drizzle of agave, almonds 0615

2 - tortilla, smear of cream cheese, salmon, peas 0930 hb egg 1130

3 - prepared salad, veggie wrap 1300

4 - protein shake - 1700

5 - bean, pea, ham soup - 1930 (just made a big batch of this in the crockpot, hopefully it turns out ok!)

I will go to the gym after work today...

Classic work style, a guy brought me a big box of "welcome back" donuts!!! Ahhhh... no donuts for me :D
 
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All the best and hope you will be at 159 on the day you board that flight!

You are getting good with your food each day, try not to go back to the soda and chips etc.
 
Hello! Busy day today...

I will be weighing in every Monday. So until next Monday... all I can do is work hard and eat right! This morning I did a 60min spin class at my gym. That was a killer. I will go back to the gym for some abs and stretching this afternoon, and then I start graduate school tonight! Woo hoo. I'm excited and kind of nervous!

1 - three large spoonfuls of cottage cheese with a little bit of crushed pineapple on top (natural juice only) and 2/3 of a protein bar before I went to the gym.

2 - protein shake with water after the gym. cheese stick.

3 - yogurt with blueberries and peanuts.

4 - chicken and rice with veggies, 2/3 protein bar.

5 - cottage cheese with pineapple and cinnamon, salmon/crm cheese/pea wrap

6- 1/3 protein bar before bed
 
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Another day, another chance to be motivated and disciplined!

1 - 60cal tortilla with 1 egg, egg whites, green beans, bell pepper, 1 slice cheese, 3 slices (60 cal) canadian ham

2 - bean soup

3 - salad

4 - yogurt with grapefruit and agave nectar

5 - sushi, shrimp wrap, octopus salad. edamame, blueberries.

I think I need to get some more groceries.. I'm running out of ideas. Did a little digging in the freezer and found a couple good things, but I definitely need yogurt and veggies and fruit.

22 days til I get on the plane to Kansas!!

Wonderful for people who have a sweet tooth: Harney and Sons Cinnamon Tea! No calories and it tastes so sweet!!
 
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Forgot to update yesterday.. woops.

Yesterday I went to the gym after work (instead of going to happy hour with coworkers, woo!! good choices!)

Today I got up at 930 and went to the gym for yoga at 1030 for an hour.

Got home and had a bowl of cottage cheese with crushed pineapple, strawberries and blueberries with some almonds.

Then a few hours later I had some bean soup with vegetarian crumbles and a dollop of chobani with some sharp cheddar

Then I had popcorn!!! Today was a bad day as far as food goes. but I did make some good peach tea.
 
I have been so busy! But I have been doing pretty well.

Today:
B - 1 greek yogurt with agave nectar, 2 handfuls of oatmeal, 1tbsp brown sugar, a splash of half and half, 1/3 cup blueberries
L - 10-15 bites of peapods, chick peas, and brussel sprouts cookied in a tomato curry sauce

S - two scoops of protein power w/water

D: egg noodles, homemade spaghetti sauce (no sugar, no oil, just tomatoes and spices) and turkey meatballs. green beans.

I have had it with the five mini meals or whatever. My meals get larger because I am not feeling satisfied, and then I end up eating five regular sized meals instead of three regular sized meals and taking in 40% more calories. So dumb.

cups of cinnamon tea, cups of water

I will go to the gym at about 4:15 for about an hour and 45 mins. I felt very skinny today, but I didn't weigh myself this week for some reason.
 
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B - two omelette muffin things in a 60cal tortilla with ketchup, water
L - two girl scout cookies (only two!), cup of coffee with creamer, left over tomato curry from the other night with jasmine rice.
S - two handfuls of pita chips at my office, bottle of water
D - egg noodles, meatballs, greenbeans, homemade tomato sauce

Taking time off from the gym today because I was lazy and didn't go to spin, and then I have some apartment showings tonight and then class. I will take my dog for a walk later though when I get home.
 
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So... I have been loathe to buy groceries lately because I'm trying not to use my credit card, so when my bank account gets low I just make do with what I have (hence the egg noodles and homemade sauce two nights in a row :). But I got paid this morning! Yay, so now I have some room for groceries.
 
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