I'll start tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

imaninjadangit

imaninjadangit

New member
I'm starting a new diary. My old one can be found here.

I am 215lbs. Still. I can't stop eating. Every day, I wake up and think, "I'm going to do it. I'm going to stay under my calories today." I usually do pretty well...until the night time. I just can't stop. I'm ALWAYS hungry. I'm pumping for my infant. I know that I need more fuel to make milk, but this is ridiculous. I've read that you need 500 more calories a day to make milk. I feel like I could eat 3000 more.

I want to start working out again. I can't take walks here, though, because it's too cold to take the baby out. I can't join a gym until after the new year starts, because we don't have the money. I know that I could do little exercises here, but I never have the time. I pump about 8 hours a day, then I clean, and play with the baby. When I lived in Kentucky, I would go to the gym every day after I got off of work and I would exercise at least an hour a day. I miss that so much.

I'm just so grossed out by myself right now. :(
 
213.6
I didn't give in yesterday. I almost made cookies, but knew that would be bad. I made fries from scratch for dinner. I didn't eat bread with my burgers, so I could eat more fries. I didn't eat cheese, either. I put tomato and avocado on them.
Since I was under my calories by bedtime, I was able to eat scoop of ice cream. Woo hoo!
Sorry this post sounds like it was written by a first grader. I'm feeding the baby and she keeps smacking the phone. I have to type in short sentences. Lol

Sent from my SPH-L710 using Tapatalk
 
213.8 -yesterday.

It's 5 in the morning. I really want to be in bed, but I am pumping. I can't wait until I can stop pumping. If I was breast feeding, I would be fine with doing it over a year. I'm just so sick of being stuck to this machine. Don't get me wrong...I'm very happy and proud to be giving my daughter the best stuff I can give her. I just hate never getting more than 6 hours of sleep, because I have to pump. My daughter is 7 months old today. That's 7 months of pumping. Most of the time, I'm pretty content with pumping. Tonight, though....yeah. I hate it. I want to be asleep.

I have been watching the show Girls on HBO. The main character is a chunky girl who tends to get into really bad friendships and relationships. She's naked, a lot, which makes a lot of people uncomfortable. She's not thin. She's not fat, but she's not small. I don't know. I don't mind the nudeness. I just think she's not attractive. It has nothing to do with her weight, either. Her face is just....odd. It is nice to see a girl that isn't rail thin get naked on a show, though.

I want to be skinny. Badly. Well, I want to be trim, slender...I want to be able to wear the clothes that I want to wear. I have this inner fashion urge, that I can never fully realize being fat. I want to wear cute jeans with big belts and trendy shirts. I want to wear little dresses. Right before I got pregnant, I was starting to wear shorter dresses. My legs were trimming down and getting some muscle. I was proud of my body. Now, I'm just a jiggly mess. I hate my body so much. I just want to be smaller. I feel so uncomfortable, like I have a fat suit on.

Look at me...rambling. I don't even know if anyone is actually reading this. Hm.

It's snowing outside. I only like snow when it first falls. It's really pretty. And only at night. That's when it is pretty and untouched. After people start walking and driving in it...letting their animals do their business in it....it's just nasty. It's muddy and cold. Bleh.

I'm not normally this negative. Honestly. I'm just sleepy and only halfway through my pumping. I need to find something interesting to watch.
 
Doesn't matter if anybody's reading - still good to get those thoughts out and then deal with them. Congratulations on having a healthy baby and pumping that milk for her. Enjoy being a mom and take steps to get to a healthier weight and before you know it you will be wearing those cute fashions. I believe you can do it!
 
217

I ate a lot yesterday, so I kind of figured my weight would be up. I also moved around and walked a lot. My body is probably retaining water. I remember my weight fluctuating a lot back in the day, whenever I'd move more on one day than the next.

Thank you ladies for dropping in. It really is helping to get things written out. I wrote in a notebook today. That use to help me a lot when I first started losing weight. I wrote my goals down and why I wanted to lose weight. I'm kind of OCD, so having lists helps me. lol

I want to lose 2lbs by Christmas. That's pretty reasonable...and doable. Really, I want to KEEP 2lbs off. Then, I want to lose 15lbs by January 31st. Again, not a bad goal. I think my ultimate goal is 160 by April 20th. We have been planning on getting married then. I just want to look pretty for my wedding. Even if my weight isn't that low, as long as I am trimmer, that's all that matters. I plan on doing some weight lifting again. I know that when I gain muscle, it can throw my weight loss off.

I've done well with eating today. I've had a couple of eggs, some oatmeal, and a couple of pieces of sausage. I just had a handful of pretzels a few minutes ago. I'm making homemade hotdog buns for dinner tonight, along with some veggies. I may do some baked potatoes.

I need to get some cheap, easy food in the house that everyone can eat. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know!
 
Look at me...rambling. I don't even know if anyone is actually reading this. Hm.
Click to expand...

I'm reading what you are writing and I totally understand being uncomfortable in your own skin and so wanting to be who you used to be. You are not alone.
 
:iagree:
I'm reading! And I totally get it too. I want to feel good in my own skin and be happy with how I look. I want to be able to fit into cute/pretty clothes that are fitted and show off my figure rather than looking for baggy shirts and hoodies to hide my belly fat. I cannot wait to get there, and yet I can't seem to put the proper effort to get there.

Cheap easy food, I dunno about suggestions for that. But slow cookers are great! I still need to make better use of mine but there are so many recipes that would involve 5-10mins prep and then you let it sit and cook by itself without touching it until it's ready a few hours later. So easy and generally very yummy! Snacky type stuff: baby carrots, already cut veggies, and grapes tend to be good. But with the grapes just make sure you take them off the vines and wash them when you bring them home - in my house they tend to go in the fridge and rot because while we want to eat them we don't want to go through the little effort it takes to do that.

I am losing weight for my wedding too and I totally get it. I've been engaged for 5 years and been saying I need to lose weight and then I can push for a date, well now the date is set and I STILL haven't lost the weight but I'm slowly working on it. Just hope I do meet my final deadline of Feb 28th and ~115 lbs...time will tell!

Also totally with you about the snow. It is so pretty when it's there and untouched and the frost/snow is on the trees and the mountains in the distance. But I hate driving in it and shoveling it and the cold that comes with it.
 
So....I'm starting over. Again.
A quick rundown of the past year:

We bought a house in April. Woo!
My Lily turned 1 in May. Woo!!
I had a third daughter in Novemer. Woo!!!

Right now, I'm 7 weeks post partum. I started the pregnancy at 223lbs and ended it at 260. As of yesterday, I was 234.4. We'll just go with 235.

I need to get this in check. I've been trying to get motivated for a few weeks, but just haven't done it. I'm breastfeeding, so I'm always hungry. I can't stop thinking about eating. It's driving me insane. I've been craving sweets and eating them. I'm so angry at myself. It wasn't until I saw a picture of myself today, that I realized how big I've gotten. I can't keep doing this. I can't get to the place I was again.

I need to set goals for myself, so here it goes...
1. I need to lose 50llbs by August.
-That's my big goal. I am getting married in August, and refuse to be huge. Not happening. 50lbs will put be back to where I was right before I got pregnant 2 years ago.
2. I would like to lose 25lbs by April.
- That's my next OB appointment. That will also put me lower than I was right before this pregnancy.
3. I would like to lose 10lbs by Valentine's Day.
-Not FOR Valentine's Day, but just using it as a date.
4. No more sweets. This will be the first thing I cut out. Honestly, it's the only thing that is really bad in my diet.
5. Drink more water. Lots more water.

I know that once the weather gets warmer, I will be able to get outside more and won't eat out of boredom. I'll be able to walk with the babies, which will be awesome. I had no energy during my pregnancy, and was sick constantly. I can't wait to start moving around again. We've already planned on getting an elliptical with our tax return. It's going to be great! When I was working out a couple of years ago, I use to use the elliptical at the gym all of the time, mixed with weight training. We're also going to get some free weights. I really....really want to get my muscles back. I just feel so gross.

So....yeah. I'm going to do it this time! I won't be a fat bride!
 
I know this was from back in January, but I used to follow your diary back in 2012! I hope you are still keeping on track! I just returned myself and have some new goals myself and am trying to start again :)

Congrats on you wedding coming up in August! I know you'll reach your goals :) And congrats on the new baby as well! As for being hungry so often, I know that everyone is different but one thing that has helped me is drinking plenty of water (I aim to drink about a gallon a day! I know it sounds like a lot but it helps fill me up!) And I also try to up my protein to about 40% of my daily calorie intake (so about 120 grams a day?) Protein bars and shakes have been my best friend!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm reading your diary and looking forward to more updates! Lets make 2015 great!
 
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement!
I did fall off the wagon for a bit. Or whole house was sick for over a month. It was so sucky. We started walking and watching calories a couple of weeks ago, when the weather got nice. It was super cold and reading last week, so we kind of slacked off. We started again this week. I started at 238, and am now at 229. That's not too bad!
I'm wanting to get to 223 by April 27th. That's when my OB appointment is. I really want to be at my prepregnancy weight by that appointment. I'm so close!
I won't fall of track this time! :-D
 
I've been doing really well this past week with eating well.and exercising.
On Easter, we ate lunch with my fiance's family. It was at a banquet center, where they had an Easter buffet. I was really good and only ate a salad, some chicken, a bunch of veggies, and a slice of sugar free cake. There were so many chocolate goodies there. Omg! I did well, though! I didn't even have any chocolate candy for Easter.
So far, I've been staying under 1600 calories, and walking between 1 and 3 miles daily. I'm also using resistance bands every other day. I've upped my water intake, and am eating fruit whenever I get a craving for something sweet. I want this so badly!
I'm part of a November mommies weight loss group on Facebook. We motivate each other and weigh in weekly. My weigh in day is tomorrow, so I'm hoping for some kind of drop. I have 20 days to lose 6 pounds. I know i can do it!
 
Hey there! Just popping by to say hello. GREAT job avoiding the Easter chocolates!!! Ending a holiday without feeling too guilty is a huge win. Keep it up :)
 
Well done on getting back on track & eating well at the banquet. That is great! Sounds to me like you're going to do this! :D Cheers, Cate
 
Thank you both for the words of encouragement! :D It was really hard to say no to those chocolates. I am a chocolate fiend! I'm finding it easier to say no, though.

My weigh in was today. 224.4lbs! I only have a pound to go to reach my first small goal! I should be well below that by the 28th!

Tonight, I made a black bean soup. It was so good! It only had 170 calories per serving, and was really filling. I also grilled some chicken breast, along with some orange and yellow peppers, then threw them in a whole wheat tortilla. I almost put cheese in it, but decided that it would have been calories that I didn't need. In total, my dinner ended up being under 500 calories! My fiance and my 7 year old loved it.
My fiance is really determined to lose weight right now, too. He's at 218, so not too far under me. We were going on walks with the babies together, but that is such a hassle. I am breastfeeding, so I have to feed Maddie before we go. If we don't leave right after she eats, our walk can't be a long one. I usually take my ring sling with me, in case I have to wear her and feed her. I've done it a couple of times, but it really slows us down. For the past few days, we've been taking turns going on our walks. I can power walk and do a mile in 17 minutes. He's running...which...I'll never do. I hate running! lol It seems to be working out. He said that he misses me, though, and wants to do some family walks throughout the week. I'm totally okay with that. :) It's really awesome to have him do this with me. It makes meal planning WAY easier. He's really into trying new things and being really healthy. I love cooking and experimenting, so it's making this whole process a lot more fun!
 
Just wanted to pop in and say hi! Sounds like you're doing awesome! I'm happy to hear you have great support from your fiance. That's always really helpful. I'm sure you'll see your first small goal very, VERY soon! :)
 
Hi Jen! I'm very grateful for his support. He's my best friend. ?

As of this morning, I am 223.2! I gained a pound last week when I started tweaking my diet. The weight is now slowly sliding off. At this rate, I should lose 1-2lbs a week, which is completely acceptable. ?
Jeremy (fiance) surprised me with a Fitbit last Friday! I love it so much! It has a heart rate monitor, so it can calculate how many calories I'm actually burning in a day. I'm pretty geeked about it!
 
imaninjadangit said:
Hi Jen! I'm very grateful for his support. He's my best friend. ?

As of this morning, I am 223.2! I gained a pound last week when I started tweaking my diet. The weight is now slowly sliding off. At this rate, I should lose 1-2lbs a week, which is completely acceptable. ?
Jeremy (fiance) surprised me with a Fitbit last Friday! I love it so much! It has a heart rate monitor, so it can calculate how many calories I'm actually burning in a day. I'm pretty geeked about it!
Click to expand...

Aww, you called him your best friend :blush5:

I would love to be able to call Jen my best friend, but I find it weird. I mean, then I'd have to say I had hardcore sex with...my...best...friend. And, that would be weird. So weird.

HAHAHA, but good for you!!!
 
Maybe he's my best friend BECAUSE of the hard core sex.

222 this morning! I don't expect a loss tomorrow. My daughter nursed so much today, that I barely got off the couch. I stayed under my calories and was able to get about 10 minutes on the elliptical. That's better than nothing!
I'm really having issues with wanting sweets tonight. For some reason, I'm craving pastries. Cream filled pastires. I keep telling myself that I can't eat those right now. I just want to lose the weight. Once I'm down to a good weight, I'll have treats now and then. I'm awesome at maintaining a weight.
I've told my fiance that any loss is a good loss for me, right now. With breastfeeding, my body is fighting to hold onto the fat. I have to be careful and not push my calories too low, or else I'll go into starvation mode. Plus, I don't want to hurt my supply. I've read tons of posts from women who have said that the weight came off once they stopped breastfeeding. Maddie is only 5 months old, so I have more than a year left of nursing. I don't want to wait that long!

I had better pass out before Maddie wakes up. To the couch I go!
 
I haven't written here in so long. I've found it's a lot harder for me to keep up with this when I have to use my tablet or my phone. Sure, they're good when you aren't at home and you want to shoot out a quick reply. For deeper posts, though, they kind of suck. I just got a new computer a few weeks ago, so I figured I could start up my diary on here again. Well...at least...I'll try.

So much has happened since April. The biggest thing is that I got married in June. :D I was able to exercise and watch calories and get down to 203 by the wedding date. I wanted to be below 200, but I'm okay with that number. I'm still upset, though, that I was a fat bride. I actually can't even look at the pictures that were taken. I feel like I look disgusting.
Since the wedding, we've had a lot of family drama. I haven't really had the time or energy to focus on my eating habits. I actually feel hungry all of the time. I've gained 20lbs since June. I feel gross. I think about food all of the time. I try to be good, but then I end up binging. As soon as I'm done, I feel gross. While I'm eating, I know that I shouldn't be eating, but it's like I have a hunger that I just can't satiate. I haven't been exercising...at all. It has been super cold, so I've used that as an excuse not to walk. I'd honestly do better to join a gym. I love working out at a gym. When I work out at a gym, I get more motivated to eat better, because I want to make my trips to the gym worth it.

I'm having the worst time meal planning. When I lost 100lbs a couple of years ago, I was basically just cooking for myself and my 3 year old. Now, I have my 14 year old, my now 8 year old, a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and my husband. My 14 year old is the worst one. He is so extremely picking. Up until recently, he lived with his dad, primarily. His dad hates vegetables and anything that might be healthy. My son's taste buds are way under developed. It's hard to find something that is healthy, cost effective, and that everyone will eat. I feel so lost, because I feel like I can't lose the weight and still feed my family.

I need to start with small steps. I know this. So...I'm going to start with just a few for this week.
1. Drink only water(except my morning coffee...I'm not trying to kill anyone...lololol.) I drink so much diet soda that it's really sickening. I'm going to start documenting exactly what I drink during the day. I know that I generally have two cups of coffee, a 44oz diet soda, and then MAYBE a cup of water. That is really not enough at all. Like...at all. Yeah...I need to change that tomorrow. (I'm drinking water right now, actually.)

2. Walk at least 30 minutes a day. I can do that. I have rehearsals all this week, but I can figure it out. I know that I don't move nearly enough.

3. No sweet stuff. I've been baking a lot lately. I make these giant chocolate chip cookies. They are so amazing. And...they are so not being made anymore.

So, yeah. Those three small steps this week. I think I can do that. If I can stick to that for a week, I'll add two more things next week. I also need to make a solid meal plan and have healthy snacks. I use to portion out trail mix to snack on. I really need to start doing that again.

I really, really hate being fat. Really.
 
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