I want my life back. And it is happening.

B

backtolife.

New member
So I guess I do this diary thing too.

Since I already introduced myself in the Newcomers section, I guess I just copy and paste. So don't bother if you have read it already...

[[ My name is Natalie, I'm 22 years old, married since 4 years, mom to a 2-year old precious daughter and about to graduate from university with a Bachelors of Arts in Translating English, German, French and Spanish.
Since I'm not a Native speaker, I apologize for mistakes. I hope it's fine though (university must have been good for something :p )

Long story short: My busy lifestyle and weakness for perfection made me forget about myself, my health and body. I have never been the skinniest person in class and being pregnant with my daughter back in the day made me gain that extra that made me go from "a little muffintop" to "fat". Now with all that extra stress added (I'm writing my finals this month), I eat ridiculously much, especially what I shouldn't (like chocolates and chips), and sports is a word that seems to happen on another planet.

I'm sick of breathing heavy just to get on the 3rd floor of our house. I'm sick of sitting lazy on a bench at the playground. I'm sick of WANTING to be lazy. I don't wanna be lazy. And I don't wanna lay around. Just something in me does. I'm sick of that me. I don't like how I look, I don't like my low self-esteem, I don't like that I don't wanna go out, I don't like that I don't wanna go shopping anymore, I hate the automatic comparisons that happen in my head when I see a pretty girl. I hate that instead of making friends with girls I have crap like that in my mind. I hate being this way.

That's why I wanna lose weight. For me, and only me. I need some serious motivation, and I'm trying to look in every corner and suck out anything I can to become happy again. And social. Heck, I'm 22. And I feel like I'm living the life of a 60-year old. This is not it. It can't be. And I don't wanna look back and say "In my younger years.. Yeah. I was fat. So I didn't go out and enjoy life." No no no. This is not gonna happen.

I want my life back. Now..

Maybe there's someone out there who's hearing me. I'm eager to meet you if your going through the same pains I do and don't wanna live with it but get the fight on. ]]

Height: 160cm // 5'2
Starting Weight: 75 kgs // 165 lbs
Desired Weight: 55 kgs (too lazy to calculate the lbs right now)
How: with God, discipline, Weight Watchers, and some more movement of body.




Cheers.
 
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I figured I document my feelings and moods as well since its a big portion of my motivation that's needed to get to my goal.

So. Right now its 1.38am in the morning, I'm tired, my eyes hurt from being tired but I can't sleep cause being fat bothers me. That's why I joined this forum so maybe that was my last sleepless night feeling sorry for my bellyfat.

I was just thinking of how many excuses I make up in my head to find a good reason to be fat. I am a mommy, and of course, the baby weight and such, being busy, money issues and not able to buy the right food, no time for exercise. In fact, none of these are real obsticles. I make them my obsticles. I'm in my own way. Why would someone do something like I do? I am not a fan of self-torturing. I just do. Why? Who knows.

My feelings right now are about annoyed, sickening of all the bad choices of food I made today and somewhere in between hoping for one more chance that will be my breakthrough to a new life or wondering if thats just another empty start to be skinny. I'm driven to lose weight and feel pretty again. I don't wanna be a beauty queen, or admired. All I want is look in the mirror and be okay with myself. I believe that the soul is by far the most important "thing" of a human being. Not the looks, not the money or what not. Its the soul. But as for me right now, all I have to think about is how I look. If the girls behind me talk about my fat butt in those unfitting pants or my muffin top?

Gahh, annoying thought fill my mind that I really really need to get rid of. There are so many more important things out there than being fat. Actually, there are people with real problems. And then I cry about my muffin top? Well. Yes. Yes I do. I don't have to save the world and I can feel sorry for myself for at least a bit. Being fat and feeling sorry for myself is my own little problem. I figured it out, and I admit it. Now next step.

If anyone read through until here, you must be ridiculously bored. I know much of it doesn't make sense and is just a lot of talking. I just write this for me, so don't expect a great story teller or something. I can tell you, I'm not. Like said, I'm documeting my feelings. And moods.

I should go to bed. Good night.
 
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I read through 'til the end, and not because I was bored! I think we share a similar writing style, so I quite enjoyed the read. You are so young, and this is a great time to start thinking about your weight and making sure YOU'RE happy with it (whether or not the girls behind you are). I see you'll be doing Weight Watchers, any specific plans for exercising? Hopefully you'll find that just making better decisions about food will be enough to boost your self-esteem a little (I know that's what happened to me). Looking forward to reading more posts from you! Good luck on the beginning of this new journey!
 
Laura F said:
I read through 'til the end, and not because I was bored! I think we share a similar writing style, so I quite enjoyed the read. You are so young, and this is a great time to start thinking about your weight and making sure YOU'RE happy with it (whether or not the girls behind you are). I see you'll be doing Weight Watchers, any specific plans for exercising? Hopefully you'll find that just making better decisions about food will be enough to boost your self-esteem a little (I know that's what happened to me). Looking forward to reading more posts from you! Good luck on the beginning of this new journey!
Click to expand...

Hey thanks for replying! :) It's always good to hear from someone and to not feel so alone in this (for me) very difficult battle.

I have a gym membership since 2 years and I'm paying 60 euros a month. Just sadly I haven't seen the gym from inside since about 6 months. Lots of money for gaining weight, uh? ;-) I wanna go there again since my trainer is very good and motivating (once I'm there). I don't wanna pay money for nothing, and I can't get out of this gym membership contract anyway before 2012. I always find excuses cause I should rather study or do household stuff... But not this time. This time its time for an A in health, body and self esteem. So I plan on going this Wednesday when they have child care again. I like to do weights and the crosswalker.
 
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I think I should grant the discovery of my "fat problem" this extra post.

So.

My fat problem

I like calling it fat problem, cause when you say it in German it has two meanings:
1. You have a problem with your weight.
2. You have a really really big problem and your in big trouble.

Yes. In my case both is correct. I'm fat, I feel fat, which causes me a lot of trouble within myself.

So, since this should be devoted to the discovery of my problem, of the root of my problem, here I go.

I used to be that kind of person that enjoys life in any kind of sense. I loved myself. I loved myself (I'm not narcistic, but a healthy relationship to your own being is not wrong) so much, that I didn't care about that Pizza and Spaghettis at night. I loved myself and my life and the people in it so much, that eating became a healthy sports of mine. It was pleasure, it was laughter, it was satisfaction. So here I am. I love food. Straight up. I love any kinds of food. If anyone would ask me, what kind of cuisine I like the most, I'd probably answer all of them. Because it's true. I love chocolate. And I can't stop. I truly believe that I'm addicted to it. I need it like my husband his cigarette. When I study, I need my chocolate. When my day was stressful (which it usually is every day) then I need my chocolate at night. When I had a good day, I need to eat chocolate too, since it rounds up my good day. Chocolate follows me whereever I go. And I hate it. I hate it so much, that I tried cutting chocolate out for a week. Do you think it worked? Cold sweat, no kidding. Actions, that I'm ashamed to tell, but I do anyway, because I should be. So I get up at night (so says my husband) and go get the chocolate from the kitchen. IN MY SLEEP. WTF??? He thought I was awake so he didn't say anything, and the next day he made a joke and asked me if I'm cheating on him with the chocolate at night. Sht he was right. I was. And I didn't even intend to. So what do I do???

I banned the chocolate from my house. I know it's not good to do a radical change like that, but I also know its not forever. I'm that kind of person who needs a drastic change or otherwise I'll fall back into my old pattern. I am planning on two weeks for now, and then I hope my major sweet tooth has rationalized itself, so I can eat sweets in normal portions, healthy portions again.

I'm going grocery shopping today, and I'm pumped. I just made myself a list of what I have to buy for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. Sweet and salty. There is enough to choose from, I just have to make the right choice. It's up to me. And I'll do it.

That's the eating part. Now sports. I actually like doing sports, I love to dance, I love to go to the gym and work out and treat myself with a sauna afterwards... But unfortunately, I don't give myself the time to do so. Every day I find something "better" to do, something worthier of my time. Therefore, I have like NO movement what so ever. I'm a lazy person. I love to lay around, be lazy, cozy and what not. I have to get my sporty mood back. I think I'm gonna buy me a pair of new running shoes as well today :D Yaay.



Okay, that's it for now,

I feel like I'm actually talking to a person, and I think that good. So thank you diary for listening to my crap haha. :hurray:
 
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As you could probably read in between the lines, I was in a bad mood.

But my husband always finds a way to cheer me up!

Since I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night, and I had to be up for my daughter this morning, he took our little girl shopping so I could sleep in, and when he came back - HE BOUGHT ME A WII FIT!!! Awww, or what??

So, I'm uberly pumped to use it. : ) : )
 
Awww, what an awesome gift from an awesome hubby! That'll make it much easier to get moving again.
 
Long time no post - no, I didn't give up, and yes, here I am. I'm heavily busy lately, trying to prepare for my final state exam, moving from one place to another (and I have to do it all alone, cause my husband has to work) and blah and blubb.. .

Concerning weight loss... I'm trying Almased now, since my sister has lost 50lbs with it. I'm doing it turbostyle since today. I have lost about 3lbs, but its coming on and off, so I can't really call it loss yet.

I love my Wii Fit. It really does wear me out :D
 
Congratulations! 3 lbs loss is WAY better than gaining 3 lbs, right?
You're on the right track!
Stay with us!
 
Wow what a way to come out of the starting gate with photos on your first diary page! Congratulations on your determination. Keep posting. Try not to go too mental over it. Energy begets energy so the more regular you work out the better you'll start to feel about yourself. You could feasibly be down to a normal weight in a matter of months. But thinking long term I think you would be wise to eliminate a diet vice from your life permanently, your worst guilty pleasure that adds the most unwanted calories to your day. Keep posting. I enjoyed reading your diary. Kelly
 
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