elizrawr
New member
hey there! i'm new to this site and not sure how these weight loss diaries go, but here it is.
i've always been on the heavy side, since i was about 10 years old. growing up i was made fun of alot in school, mostly from boys, even boys who were in my circle of friends. my parents would also say things about my weight. not so much in a negative way that the kids would do, but in a way i would always take it to heart and feel that much more insecure about myself. (i.e, going for seconds during dinner and my parents would say things like 'again!?' or my mom, who is very blunt is kind of oblivious to some things she says since english isn't her first language, would say things like 'you don't need to eat again'). after years of being bullied and always reminded that i'm bigger than the other girls my age, i developed anger issues and grew distant from everyone. by the time i was 12 i was cutting, burning myself and taking waaaay too many pain relievers just out of anger. i started to wear nothing but black, and became known at school for being mean. i would talk back to teachers and was always in after school detention. 4 days before my 13th birthday, i took too many pilled after an arguement with my dad and ended up having to have my stomach pumped and spending 3 days in mental health center.
afterward, my family realized that i was hurting and never said anything that might trigger anything. even after 6 months of visiting a therapist they never were able to really pin point why i was sad, only that i was unable to deal with stress.
by the time i was in highschool i weighed about 180 lbs, i wasn't even the heaviest girl in school yet kids still chose to pick on me. it wasn't until i moved to a different town and to a different school that the bullying stopped and i made some life long friends i still keep in touch with today. i was still very insecure with myself and made a series of bad choices which led me to dropping out of school. my parents split up temporarily after i moved out at the age of 17 to live with my boyfriend who eventually became violent. i stayed with him for nearly 2 years before realizing i deserved better, even though i had never known anything else. i moved out and stayed with my dad, where my mom would eventually move back in and stay with my dad. being out of school, my parents decided they wanted to retire in the philippines. i stayed for the first month and travelled back to live with my sister alone.
after eating practically nothing while living in the philippines and walking everywhere i had to go for a month, i was down to about 165 and at my lowest weight. who knew, 2 years later i would have gained 100 lbs!
At the beginning of 2008 i decided i would do something. i started off at about 252 and by the end of the year weighed about 201lbs.
My insecurities eventually would eventually cause me to make such bad decisions that i went from living in a perfect little house in the suburbs with a job i loved, my son healthy and my husband happy, to being jobless, 1,500 miles away from anything i know, struggling to make ends meet to afford our own place and fighting to keep my husband with me. since 2009, i had gained about 20 lbs back.
2011, was such an unmotivated, unproductive year for me. i spent it sulking in my decisions from the previous year and eating to forget it all. i am disgusted with myself that i have drove myself here and that i am the sole reason that me and my family are unhappy and in the place that we are. it tears me apart to know that we were once on our way to a stable and happy life as a family and that if i had just been happy with myself then, continued the weight loss i had started in 2008 that we would have probably had a new addition to our family.
the goal for this year is simple enough: be happy and make good decisions.
I need to get my priorities in order and think about myself and my family's future. what's done is done, and although i regret things i've done, its only going to make me more wise in the long run.
in addition to losing weight this year and being happy with myself and FINALLY getting rid of these damn insecurities i've had for so long... i am determined to get back in that happy place and actually start LIVING again. i will contribute toward saving towards our own place along side my husband and i will get us stable again! it all starts here.
i've always been on the heavy side, since i was about 10 years old. growing up i was made fun of alot in school, mostly from boys, even boys who were in my circle of friends. my parents would also say things about my weight. not so much in a negative way that the kids would do, but in a way i would always take it to heart and feel that much more insecure about myself. (i.e, going for seconds during dinner and my parents would say things like 'again!?' or my mom, who is very blunt is kind of oblivious to some things she says since english isn't her first language, would say things like 'you don't need to eat again'). after years of being bullied and always reminded that i'm bigger than the other girls my age, i developed anger issues and grew distant from everyone. by the time i was 12 i was cutting, burning myself and taking waaaay too many pain relievers just out of anger. i started to wear nothing but black, and became known at school for being mean. i would talk back to teachers and was always in after school detention. 4 days before my 13th birthday, i took too many pilled after an arguement with my dad and ended up having to have my stomach pumped and spending 3 days in mental health center.
afterward, my family realized that i was hurting and never said anything that might trigger anything. even after 6 months of visiting a therapist they never were able to really pin point why i was sad, only that i was unable to deal with stress.
by the time i was in highschool i weighed about 180 lbs, i wasn't even the heaviest girl in school yet kids still chose to pick on me. it wasn't until i moved to a different town and to a different school that the bullying stopped and i made some life long friends i still keep in touch with today. i was still very insecure with myself and made a series of bad choices which led me to dropping out of school. my parents split up temporarily after i moved out at the age of 17 to live with my boyfriend who eventually became violent. i stayed with him for nearly 2 years before realizing i deserved better, even though i had never known anything else. i moved out and stayed with my dad, where my mom would eventually move back in and stay with my dad. being out of school, my parents decided they wanted to retire in the philippines. i stayed for the first month and travelled back to live with my sister alone.
after eating practically nothing while living in the philippines and walking everywhere i had to go for a month, i was down to about 165 and at my lowest weight. who knew, 2 years later i would have gained 100 lbs!
At the beginning of 2008 i decided i would do something. i started off at about 252 and by the end of the year weighed about 201lbs.
My insecurities eventually would eventually cause me to make such bad decisions that i went from living in a perfect little house in the suburbs with a job i loved, my son healthy and my husband happy, to being jobless, 1,500 miles away from anything i know, struggling to make ends meet to afford our own place and fighting to keep my husband with me. since 2009, i had gained about 20 lbs back.
2011, was such an unmotivated, unproductive year for me. i spent it sulking in my decisions from the previous year and eating to forget it all. i am disgusted with myself that i have drove myself here and that i am the sole reason that me and my family are unhappy and in the place that we are. it tears me apart to know that we were once on our way to a stable and happy life as a family and that if i had just been happy with myself then, continued the weight loss i had started in 2008 that we would have probably had a new addition to our family.
the goal for this year is simple enough: be happy and make good decisions.
I need to get my priorities in order and think about myself and my family's future. what's done is done, and although i regret things i've done, its only going to make me more wise in the long run.
in addition to losing weight this year and being happy with myself and FINALLY getting rid of these damn insecurities i've had for so long... i am determined to get back in that happy place and actually start LIVING again. i will contribute toward saving towards our own place along side my husband and i will get us stable again! it all starts here.