I hate myself

C

Chubby1

0
I was eating my third Big Mac today and I was getting that greasy stuff all over my hands. I didnt even really think about it but instead of using a napkin I felt compelled to lick it all off of myself. Right then I had a revelation. I looked down at myself and realized what a fat slob I have become. In high school I was a star quarterback and now my wife wont even touch me intimately anymore. I cant see my feet or my genitals. I started to alternate between laughing histarically and crying right there in front of a bunch of people the place. They have those narrow seats there and when I tried to get up and leave really fast because I was emberassed, I got stuck for a minute. That made the teenagers next to me start laughing at me. I was really crying then and I heard a little girl ask her mommy what was wrong with that fat man. I lost it today and threw the rest of my milkshake at them. I went home and now I dont want to leave the house. Ive eaten every Little Debbie snak in the whole house and Ive been crying for hours. Nobody loves me and everyone thinks im a freak. I tried to talk to my wife and she left to stay at ther mothers for a while with the kids. I really need some friends.
 
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Oh you poor dear man...

Well. not to sound like a tag line for some product i can't remember what they are selling... Today is the first day of the rest of your life... You've come ot the right place for support and encouragement... Friends you want? Friends you've got...

I'm soo sorry you've had such a rough time lately... you know what you need to do, now hardest step. which you've just admitted, is that you need help,. now what comes next. Doing something about it.

A few first steps I would suggest, is starting a diary here, so we can get to know you better, and you can get to know us, because that'd what friends do. the second thing would be to start a food journal, there's a ton of sites out there that are free, that allow you to record what you are eating for the day and record the amount of calories you are consuming. It's helpful to know where your calories are going.. The third step, is to come up with some sort of moving plan for yourself. that is a plan to get yourself moving, it can be as simple as walking, but you have to commit to doing it... The last step, or maybe it's the first step, and maybe the hardest of all, and this is one that I still need a ton of work on, is to love yourself, because if you dont find yourself lovable, why should anyone else?

Hang in there... things will get better.. you'll see your toes again... your wife will want to jump you again... it just takes some work... :) Now put down the big mac, don't throw any more shakes, dry your eyes, and well.. give us a smile :)
 
That must have been a horrible experience and I am very sorry that you had to experience this. There is certainly hope out there, you just have to reach for it with an open mind.

What you are obviously dealing with is full-blown food-addiction, and what you experienced was an emotional meltdown caused by this addiction. In fact it seems that you have hit rock-bottom, and the only way available from there is up towards getting a control over your food and then the control and success of your life comes automatically. The thing you have to do is to acknowledge that you have a food-addiction and work from there. You have to find out what your "trigger" food is, the food that triggers your cravings for food. In my case its sugar. In the 6 months I have been losing weight I havent eaten any proccessed sugar at all and I think that is a big factor in my success (82 lbs lost), because if I eat anything with sugar, I have to have more and more and more and more untill I have eaten everything in the house in a crazy binge. Its like if you are an alchoholic you cant limit your drinking to two beers in the evening, because when you have one beer you cant stop drinking, you have to have more and more and more untill you pass out. It is exactly the same thing with our trigger food. I cant have just one piece of candy, because when that one piece of candy is in my system something happens and I cant control my appetite and then I go on a binge. MacDonalds as most other fast food creates food-addictions that make you unable to control your eating, thats why you had to have that third BigMac in one day. There is a documentary (called "supersice me", dont know if you have seen it) where the progress of a man that only eats MacDonalds food for a while is followed. The results are at best frightening. Mac food actually created an addiction for him, because he felt tired and exhausted the whole time, and the only time he felt perky was when he ate the Mac food. His cholesterol and weight skyrocketed, and in fact his doctor pleaded him to please stop eating at MacDonalds, because he was afraid that he would get seriously sick, because his liver collected so much fat that it was similar to a liver of an alchoholist. Check out this documentar, I am sure you can rent it or find it online.

I feel what has helped me a lot with gaining control over food is that I eat a fixed amount out of every category of food (except sugar). Then I dont have to constantly take decisions on what I should eat, and how much, because then there is so much danger that I will simply take the wrong decisions, if I dont feel right, to eat things I shouldnt eat.

Bottom line: Find a food-program that works for you, that includes the food you really like (of course no-junk, no-sugar). DONT go on a diet, if you do that then you will have to constantly fight cravings and you will gain all the weight back when you stop dieting. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR CHOICES OF FOOD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! This is extremely important, and when you have made the decision of changing the nutrition for the rest of your life the whole weightloss issue gets so much easier, because then you go out of the "have to eat this boring food to lose weight" into "mmmm that tomato tastes so good, I am so lucky and fortunate to be able to eat that tomato and it is making me lose weight, feel good about myself, and turning my life into success".

I really have so many things to tell you, because I really care about you, I want to help you, and yes... I want to be your friend.... :)
Hugs and kissess from Iceland
Heidrun
 
Hello there and Big Hugs,

It's sounds like you need some major TLC hun. I will send you a private pm. Please remember hope is still out there for you and your not a loser or a slob, just someone who has something in common with the rest of us, food excess and control issues on eating and what we eat. Please also know there are people out there that do care. You have already taken the first step on the road to recovery and that is admitting that you have a problem and that you want help. Here is another good website . It's overeaters annonymous and they tackle the physical as well as the emotional issues as to why we eat and overeat. These forums are wonderful for advice and support. If you ever need a friend for support I will be there for you as I am sure many others here will be too. BIG HUGS
 
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(((((((((((((((((Chubby))))))))))))))))) Welcome to the forum. You will get lots and lots of support here. Make sure that you start a diary. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me. I am all ears. Take a moment to take stock of your life because you have so much going for you. Take one day at a time and make yourself healthier. Join one of the challenges on this forum to start. You can do it. It is in you to succeed. Take care of yourself. :D
 
Good Luck! This is a tough but worthwhile journey. Don't give up and remember there are plenty of people here to support you no matter what you are going through. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need!
Hugs <3
 
Hello and welcome to the forums,

I'm just sorry that it happened the way it did. I have had moments like that and you feel like crap, but now that you've had your "light bulb" moment, now is the time to act. The only thing that I know is what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I just joined recently and the support here is amazing. No more feeling embarrased or ashamed. We're all in the same boat and we're all here to support one another.

I hope you start a diary soon so we can get to know you better soon.
 
I hope its ok to talk about this here, I really have begun to think that it works like a trigger for my overindulgence of food. Maybe someone here will be able to identify with my particular problem. I have a habit of mixing eating with sexual thoughts.

I had a girlfriend once a long time ago who HATED it when id order take out and eat and masterbate at the same time. For some reason I cant masterbate to food that I cook, it always has to be food that someone ELSE cooked and even then preferably BROUGHT to me. I guess that sounds kind of wierd. I know it is so ive hidden it from my wife all this time. I also like it better when its some kind of food besides american food, something about chinese or japanese food that does it for me. Mind you I dont feel compelled when I eat homemade food, but I usually cant stop thinking about masterbating anyway. Somewhere along the lines of doing this I realized that I had created a need for food and masterbation together that was unhealthy. When I eat I get horney, especially eating out. When I masterbate I get hungry. So now the two are hopelessly entertwined. Im a big guy, so usually if I get an erection at Denny's or Burger king people cant tell when I stand up. Sometimes they can tho, and thats lead to some emberessing situations. I remember one young server at Jose Pepper's that saw me kind of rubbing myself at the table unconsiously. I saw him looking at me and figured out what I was doing that made him look so stunned. I didnt know what to do so I just winked at him and smiled. When I left I put my telephone number on the table, but he never called. I think he might have if I hadnt creeped him out. I dont know what is so surprising to people about masterbation and food, it seems natural to me. Mostly when i feel like I need to do stuff to myself I excuse myself and go to the bathroom for a few minutes. I suppose I should try to seperate the two activities so that one of them dosn't drive me to do the other.

I havnt changed my ways much, I still eat a lot but I cant stop thinking about it now, my doctor says I need to lower my cholesterol very badly. Its seems so screwed up to me that im more concerned with how people look at me than my health. Lately since my wife went to stay at her mother's house ive felt very self destructive. Like I dont care anymore. My private fantasy is that ill go and visit her in a few weeks with a lot of weight gone. I have a friend who works in the kitchen of a restarant nearby who says he can get some extra good diet pills from Mexico that are really made for animals. Im a little afraid but I really want to have my wife back. Its wierd that I got sick of her and bitter about having no sex at all, but now that she is gone I want her back so badly. I just dont know how im gonna drop the weight fast enough to keep her from leaving me.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT,
i hope you dont all think im a freak, im a really nice man
 
DO NOT TAKE DIET PILLS FROM MEXICO-ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE FOR ANIMALS. I know you are at a point where you care more about your appearance than your health but you can't be that way. If you feel you need a suppliment to help you lose weight, talk to your doctor. I recommend you talk to him about your need to combine food and sexual desire. I know it isn't the easiest thing to talk about but odds are he or she have heard about it or dealt with it in the past. We are always hear for you, whether you decide to get help or not, but I really think if you are ready to make a change you need to have the help of a professional. Weight loss can be serious and while I understand you feel you need to lose weight to get your wife back, their may be more to it. This is your health! If you drop a lot of weight the wrong way and get her back it won't be worth it if you end up sick or worse because of it. Just think about the long run. If you need to talk, please find one of us!
 
maleficent said:
Oh you poor dear man...

Well. not to sound like a tag line for some product i can't remember what they are selling... Today is the first day of the rest of your life... You've come ot the right place for support and encouragement... Friends you want? Friends you've got...

I'm soo sorry you've had such a rough time lately... you know what you need to do, now hardest step. which you've just admitted, is that you need help,. now what comes next. Doing something about it.

A few first steps I would suggest, is starting a diary here, so we can get to know you better, and you can get to know us, because that'd what friends do. the second thing would be to start a food journal, there's a ton of sites out there that are free, that allow you to record what you are eating for the day and record the amount of calories you are consuming. It's helpful to know where your calories are going.. The third step, is to come up with some sort of moving plan for yourself. that is a plan to get yourself moving, it can be as simple as walking, but you have to commit to doing it... The last step, or maybe it's the first step, and maybe the hardest of all, and this is one that I still need a ton of work on, is to love yourself, because if you dont find yourself lovable, why should anyone else?

Hang in there... things will get better.. you'll see your toes again... your wife will want to jump you again... it just takes some work... :) Now put down the big mac, don't throw any more shakes, dry your eyes, and well.. give us a smile :)
Click to expand...

I can't believe I was ever that nice... where's the edge- where's teh bitchiness -where's the suck it up and do it.. hmm - what happened to the nice in me.. i think it's people like him that took it out of me :D
 
maleficent said:
I can't believe I was ever that nice... where's the edge- where's teh bitchiness -where's the suck it up and do it.. hmm - what happened to the nice in me.. i think it's people like him that took it out of me :D
Click to expand...

I think it may have broke. Need some super glue? :biggrinjester:
 
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