Humiliating feeling...

[MAR1984]

(No More!) Humiliating feeling...

So, I'm mostly writing this for me, but I'm hoping there'll be someone around here who can lend me some support. I've been losing weight for nearly the last 11 months. I've done great, actually, in terms of the actual number on the scale, losing more than 130lbs.

However, I didn't do it properly... I ate too little, overdid the cardio, and did absolutely no weight lifting. Well, I've decided to change that. Over the past month, I've gradually increased my intake and cut back on cardio, but despite all the motivation I know I have, for some reason, convincing myself to start lifting weights has taken some work...

Yesterday, I had my first workout at a new gym. (none of the current facilities I worked out at had an adequate free weight section). My goal is to get stronger while continuing my diet to lose weight (fat), and also maintaining (and hopefully growing) some muscle. I did some research, and decided on a relatively simple program, 3 days a week, focusing on the major lifts which work groups of muscles. Sounds like I got it all figured out, right?

Well, theres one thing I'm having a hard time getting past... that humiliating feeling of being the big guy at the gym who can't lift much weight at all... It wouldn't be so bad lifting alone, or at least lifting with others who were in a similar position as myself. But I wasn't prepared when I walked in to find the gym packed with olympic power lifters (exaggeration, I know, but lets just say everyone was well trained). Fortunately for me, the lone squat rack was available (and tucked away in the corner of the room so I was partly isolated). I sheepishly went over and quickly finished my 3x5 full squats with 135lbs on the bar (which was probably 20lbs more than what I should have been starting out with, because although I finished the reps, my form wasn't quite perfect - I just couldn't bear to be seen working out with any less).

Afterwards, I left in a hurry to find a bench. Fortunatley, the benches were in a separate area, which was larger, and not quite as crowded. However, I was still overambitious and thew 135 on the bar. I couldn't make the last rep on the last set, and would have done better to start out with 20 lbs less to make sure I had proper form.

I intended to do assisted pull ups as my third excercise, but this gym does not have an assisted pull up machine. Instead, I did the cable lat pull down machine. I was still slightly depressed from my experience with the free weights, but I punched out 3 sets to failure with 120lbs (15-13-8 reps).

I know why I have these issues with lifting, but I just don't know how to get over it. Back when I was in high school, I lifted weights on the football team. I was much stronger than I am now, but weaker than I should have been at my size. I was successfull on the football field because I knew how to use my size to my advantage, but lifting weights always gave me problems because instead of working out with the rest of the linemen, I was working out with the receivers. I found shortcuts, cheated, used bad form - anything I thought would help me avoid the harassment from my teamates and coaches about being so weak.

Fast forward 7 years since I graduated high school, and I haven't touched a weight in that time. Also, during that time, I lost 100lbs through cardio and starvation, gained 200lbs back, and then dropped again the most recent 130ish pounds in a similar manner to the way I lost that initial 100lbs. The damage I have done to my muscles is obvious - I know work out with less weight than I used to use for warm ups.

I know that if I stick to a weight lifting program, I'll be able to regain some if not all and more of my previous strength, as well as ensure my future weight loss is mostly fat loss... but whats holding me back is knowing that every time I walk into the weight room I will feel humiliated. In an effort to commit myself, I purchased a membership to the gym (on a month to month basis) for $30 a month (after the initial $70 dollars in enrollment fees). Hopefully, the thought that I've spent the money will further motivate me into giving it an honest effort for at least the first month. Maybe I'll find as my strength increases, I'll enjoy myself more. Maybe I'll realize that nobody else there cares who I am or how much I'm lifting (or not lifting), and I'll decide after a month that I can keep this up. As of right now, I'm dreading heading to the gym tomorrow for my workout, and I can't imagine I would even go if I hadn't scheduled 1 of my 2 free sessions with a trainer for tomorrow.

Aside from simply giving up, I was thinking I should try to get to the gym when it was least crowded. It opens at 5AM, and I don't have to be to work until 7 - plenty of time to get my workout in before work, and I imagine there'd be less people (thus less humiliation) then. I was also thinking that going on tues/thurs/sat might be better as well, as the more serious lifters are probably programmed to a mon/wed/fri routine (thoughts on this?), so it would be more relaxed and less crouded/intense on the off days. Finally, if I just can't get over the bad feelings I'm having while lifting weights at the gym, my only solution might be to walk away after the first month and look into investing in my own power rack and weight set.

So, I'm open to any advice anyone might have for me to help me through this difficult stage, and thanks to anyone who actually read this post

 

[KaraCooks]

Maybe I'll realize that nobody else there cares who I am or how much I'm lifting (or not lifting),

You need to focus on this. Seriously. I've been lifting in a gym for 2 years now (off and on). No one cares about you. I'm not saying that in a heartless way or a mean way ... just factually. I know when I'm lifting, I'm totally focused on ME - my form, my weight, my ability. I really don't give a rat's patootie about what anyone else is doing and I CERTAINLY don't have the time or inclination to go counting the lbs on someone else's bar and thinking "what a wuss!"

I mean honestly, for me, I get into the weight area of my gym and I sweat (buckets). I grunt. I turn red in the face. I puff out my breath to help me through the tough parts. I squat and all my fat rolls hang out. I lie down to bench, and my boobs (sports bra or not) decide to slide into my armpits. Trust me, if people really were paying attention to everyone else, they'd run screaming from me when I was lifting. It's not a pretty sight.

When I first started lifting, I was self conscious too, but really and truly nobody cares.

Well, that is unless you're the asshole who is screaming and shouting and flinging weights about while he struts around in his cut off t, flexing. But I suspect he wants to be noticed.

 

[MAR1984]

Thanks for the support, and for cheering me up a little, too. I totally get what you're saying... I mean, I certainly don't care about what everyone else is doing in the gym. And no matter what anyone else in the gym might think, outside the gym I will probably never see that person.

*sigh*

Well, as I said, I'm going to give it an honest effort for a least a month and see if I can get past this, and hope I feel better when I see myself making progress.

In a couple weeks when my legs stop hurting, maybe I'll even be able to sneak some cardio in on the off days

 

[fatty_doll]

what ever you do DO NOT GIVE UP. It will take a month for you to adjust to your workout routine and feel better about the results your getting and just feel generally feel better about yourself.

Like Kara said tho.. you've kinda just got to accept that no one cares who you are or what you look like there. Think of them all as pig headed and concieded.. because really they only care about them selves. So.. knowing that you'll want to quit lifting too heavy and start perfecting your form. Have you tried looking on craigslist.org to find a workout partner who is in a similar situation? For me having a buddy in the gym has made it tons easier to not care what the pig headed people think.

 

[usedtobefatmatt]

Hey Mar,

Thanks for ruining my day. I couldnt even lift the weight you are starting out with. Yep, started out benching 95lbs. I didn't realize how weak I was till your thread. Thanks! I can now crawl back to my hole.

Seriously, (although i was serious when i started out with 95lbs.) stay within yourself. You are there for YOU, your health and nothing else. Nobody cares what you are lifting or what you are doing. They dont know your story anymore than you know their's.

Keep doing what you are doing and you will reach your goals. This weakling that started out with 95 lbs on that bench put up 225 three times today. (unassisted) Still not much but I'm damned proud.

You'd probably be surprised that the person you think is looking at you and laughing about the weight you are lifting is actually saying in his mind that you can do it!!!!

 

[MAR1984]

Thanks for ruining my day. I couldnt even lift the weight you are starting out with. Yep, started out benching 95lbs. I didn't realize how weak I was till your thread. Thanks! I can now crawl back to my hole.

hehehe... well, as you said, nobody knows anyones story...

See, I used to lift weights. In high school, for sports. Even then, I was big and should have been outlifting everyone, but I never took weightlifting seriously, and succumbed to the ridicule and pretty much gave up. But even at my best, my 1 rep max for bench was only ~225, so congrats on puttin it up 3 times! I pretty much ignored squats - usually I cheated by skipping sets, or skipping the exercise completely and making up numbers to write on the sheet. I skipped it because it was harder, and believe it or not, I could bench more than I could squat. I'd make up excuses that it was bad for my knees...

For some reason though, deadlifting isn't a problem for me, although its pretty much the same motions and muscles as the squat. I'll find out tomorrow though - first deadlfting day. But last week, I did over 500lbs on a leg press machine on my 5th set of 5. Could have easily gone more, too, but I thought 5 sets was enough. (Now I'm glad I stopped, too, after I found out that leg presses aren't an acceptable substitute for squats, OR deadlifts for that matter - obviously the strenth doesn't transfer from leg press to squats).

So I guess knowing that I was considered "weak" before, coupled with being even worse now, combines to create a belief that at any moment, I could be laughed right out of the gym

If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to get from your 95 lb bench up to where you are today?

 

[KaraCooks]

Honestly .. truly, I mean this sincerely and I'm not being snide or anything. I don't get it.

What's this obsession with numbers? Who really cares how much anyone can bench or squat or deadlift or whatever. The numbers are meaningless to anyone but you personally. I'll never be able to bench 300 lbs. Ever. Who cares?

I don't mean to make light of something that's obviously very important to you, I really don't. But unless you're into competitive bodybuilding or setting a strength record ... who cares?

Are you able to lift enough to challenge you? Are you able to see consistent progress? Are you working hard? Are you making an effort?

If you're answering yes to all of those questions, then why obsess over a number? To me that's just as bad as someone who obsesses over not weighing the "right" amount on the scale, even though they're steadily losing weight.

I have never looked at someone in the gym pressing 300lbs or squatting 300lbs or whatever and gone "wow - that's cool". In fact when I see someone lifting a huge amount of weight, 90% of the time it's someone who is being the kind of jerk I mentioned above - who is obviously showing off and trying to get people to see how "strong" he is because he can lift a loaded bar once and then scream and drop it ... which doesn't make me think "ooh, studly".

I"m not saying you're that guy. I'm just saying - the same as I would say to someone obsessed about the scale - don't obsess about the numbers. Don't try to show off for someone else. Just work for YOU.

 

[usedtobefatmatt]

Mar,
Not even sure how long it took me because i didnt care so i didnt track it.

Kara,
I'm going to take a stab at why the obsession with numbers (i dont mean in Mar's case because i dont know him). People measure progress with numbers and they are certainly not the best, if not the worst way way to measure progress. People equate numbers with strenght or accomplishment. Even i did when i said i lifted 225. Yes i am proud but you are right, who cares? Same thing with the scale. If people dont see a number go down then they panic. It's just the society we live in.

Mar,
I struggled for many years with my weight and i avoided many things because of it. I would step foot in a gym, go to a Red Sox game, white water rafting or anything that my body might come into play.

I had to tell my daughter i couldnt go on a ride at an amusement park because of my weight. That is not a good feeling. I know that it is tough and it is something you have to get past.

Forget about the past and start fresh. We have all made poor choices in the past but it's how you react and go forward that matters. Do let someone else effect your motivation or focus. Do this for you!!! Challenge yourself to go one week to the gym. After a while it will be second nature and there will be no problems at all.

Matt

 

[Cord the Seeker]

Well, if you feel humiliated then I had better just go kill myself.

My squat is only up to 120lbs - I started with bodyweight, then to bare bar, and have been slowly ramping up.
I do DB benches with 40lb DBs - so 80 total. My lat pulldowns are 90.
I'm working on improving these numbers, but I'm not in competition with anyone.

Yeah, the critical thing is that no one else cares at all how much you are lifting. They only care about their own progress, and aren't even looking at you.

The numbers are a measure of progress, sure, but they don't mean anything in and of themselves. If you are getting stronger and fitter, that's all that matters.

 

[KaraCooks]

I'm going to take a stab at why the obsession with numbers (i dont mean in Mar's case because i dont know him). People measure progress with numbers and they are certainly not the best, if not the worst way way to measure progress. People equate numbers with strenght or accomplishment. Even i did when i said i lifted 225. Yes i am proud but you are right, who cares?

Matt, you're right ... I think I sort of didn't get my point across well. Sometimes I think faster than my fingers move.

I, too, use numbers to gauge my progress. Used to be I couldn't even squat the olympic bar at 45 lbs. Now I can squat nearly 100 lbs. For me that's something to be proud of. Right now I bench 65lbs. By most people's standards, that's not much at all ... but I'm proud of it because when I first started I couldn't even get the empty bar off of the rack.

But my point with who cares is ... nobody cares if *I* lift 65lbs or 165lbs. Why compare yourself to someone else who has been lifting longer than you have?

I guess ... if I can throw another analogy out there ... it would be like me sitting down at a concert grand piano and being humiliated because I can only play Chopsticks. If I were to sit down at that piano and say that I was humiliated and embarrassed because I couldn't play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, everyone would tell me I was crazy. No one would expect me to be able to do that - so being humiliated about it would be a waste of energy and emotion on my part.

It's the same with weights. Being humiliated because you can't meet some arbitrary number that someone else can - because they've been doing it for months or even years - is silly. (No offense meant here ... btw. All said with a smile.) Use the numbers to measure YOUR progress. And be proud of them.

I guess that's what I meant when I said I don't get it ... I don't get picking an arbitrary number and beating yourself up over it. Maybe that makes my thoughts a little more clear.

 

[Trusylver]

Mar, don't give up, you deserve respect for just getting in there and doing it. Most gym members don't care what others are doing and most powerlifters will cheer you on and will give you help with your form if you ask. At my last comp every lifter cheered every other lifter on no matter what there level of achievement because it all comes down to improving yourself and not what the other person is lifting. It feels good to win but feels even better to improve.

 

[Jynus]

to the OP, your starting numbers are ahead of the vast majority of the population's starting out numbers. don't think so poorly of yourself.

One tip however, is don't cheat yourself in squats. Get your hips at or just past parallel. It's the number 1 thing i see new people doing is they half squat. You're cheating yourself out of a workout if you do this.

That being said, you're being _way_ to hard on yourself. Myself personally, if I see _anyone_ squatting fully to depth, I get a feeling of immense pride regardless of the weight on their shoulders. Something about someone doing things right, just gets me smiling every time. I would imagine it's much the same for anyone else who is there who is a real lifter. Don't worry about the idiots with 4 plates a side squatting a full 4" range of motion. don't be that guy. You're better than that. And the lineup of fools in front of the mirror doing bicep curls? Just laugh at them and concentrate on your compound movements knowing you're doing things right. Focus on improvements in yourself in both form and lifting. And you will start seeing those gains skyrocketing in no time. trust me.

Also, don't be surprised if your weight loss stalls or gains a few pounds in the first couple months. this is normal Instead focus on the fact that your body is still the same size (or smaller) and that the "look" or shape is changing to look better. Thats much more important than what a scale says. Keep up the good work!

 

[weightlossxprt]

Seriously, Mar, don't give up. I don't care what others are doing and with time and a little effort you will have proper form. I totally agree with an above comment, "It really does feel good to win but it feels even better to improve." --Never, NEVER, give up--Sir Winston Churchill--

 

[MAR1984]

Well, you guys sure are helping me see how silly I sound.

What's this obsession with numbers?

Male ego

he he, of course I'm only joking. I thought about this question a lot last night, and I realized its not about the number at all. Its about perception - how I perceive myself, and how I think others perceive me. But I'm starting to see how silly I must sound, and I think if I can stick with it long enough to see improvements and get in line with my own expectations, I'll start to feel better about walking into the gym.

I had to tell my daughter i couldnt go on a ride at an amusement park because of my weight. That is not a good feeling. I know that it is tough and it is something you have to get past.

oh man, do I know this feeling. One of my mini goals is to be able to ride the roller coasters at Cedar Point again (long story), but having just got married, I've found motivation in thinking that whenever I have kids, I don't want them missing out on anything because of me and my problems.

Challenge yourself to go one week to the gym. After a while it will be second nature and there will be no problems at all.

my first challenge is just to convince myself to go back to the gym today after work And then my next challenge after that will be to finish the week out on friday.

One tip however, is don't cheat yourself in squats. Get your hips at or just past parallel. It's the number 1 thing i see new people doing is they half squat. You're cheating yourself out of a workout if you do this.

I understand. For the past few weeks, I've been practicing my form with bodyweight squats every chance I get. I'm still not sure if I'm 100% correct, as I'm relearning things I thought I knew before - such as, don't go past parallel, don't let your knees go ahead of your toes, don't lean forward at all, etc. So I've really been working hard on being able to do true, full squats, as deep as I can go.

That being said, you're being _way_ to hard on yourself. Myself personally, if I see _anyone_ squatting fully to depth, I get a feeling of immense pride regardless of the weight on their shoulders. Something about someone doing things right, just gets me smiling every time. I would imagine it's much the same for anyone else who is there who is a real lifter. Don't worry about the idiots with 4 plates a side squatting a full 4" range of motion. don't be that guy. You're better than that. And the lineup of fools in front of the mirror doing bicep curls? Just laugh at them and concentrate on your compound movements knowing you're doing things right. Focus on improvements in yourself in both form and lifting. And you will start seeing those gains skyrocketing in no time. trust me.

I'm always hard on myself . But I hope you're right. I didn't notice anyone doing bicep curls in front of the mirror, but I couldn't help noticing the group of 3 guys benching 300+ lbs in the smith machine. Thats not what I want to be at all, but it is still intimidating.

Also, don't be surprised if your weight loss stalls or gains a few pounds in the first couple months. this is normal Instead focus on the fact that your body is still the same size (or smaller) and that the "look" or shape is changing to look better. Thats much more important than what a scale says. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the tip. I was aware of that, so I'm hoping to be able to at least maintain my current bodyweight over the next 1-3 months while I'm gaining strength. I realized that if I didn't up my calories, my muscles wouldn't be able to repair as well in between workouts, and my progress would be slower. But right now, my goal is to lose fat, not just lose weight as I've been doing by canabolizing muscle. I'm under the impression that because I'm basically entirely untrained as far as weight lifting goes, I'll be able to see good improvements in strength, and possibly gain a small amount of muscle mass, even while being in a calorie deficit to lose weight, knowing that the weight coming off will be mostly if not all fat.

 

[fatty_doll]

Mar, don't give up, you deserve respect for just getting in there and doing it. Most gym members don't care what others are doing and most powerlifters will cheer you on and will give you help with your form if you ask. At my last comp every lifter cheered every other lifter on no matter what there level of achievement because it all comes down to improving yourself and not what the other person is lifting. It feels good to win but feels even better to improve.

lol my fiance is a power lifter.. and he helps random people in the gym with their form weather they like it or not alllll the time. He did this over the weekend.. thats why I "lol".. had to've been there....anyway.

And you're absolutly right about people giving props to people for even trying. You're better than the morbidly obese people who do nothing to help their health and weight problems. Don't feel helpless, Mar, feel empowered!

 

[astrolab]

My two cents here...

You don't need to hit (perceived) high weight numbers to get good results.

My trainer has a body made of iron (I know because we grapple and its like grappling with a Honda). And he never touches anything over 70 lbs. Seriously.

And when he lines up a barbell or dumbell set for me to work with, I don't give a crap how much weight is on it. Its a non-issue. Truth is, when I see it looks like a smaller plate, I know its going to be a bigger challenge than if it is simply a brute strength exercise.

I've only been at it for less than two months and I am down nearly 40 lbs of fat and have gained significant strength. And I think only in one workout did I work a weight to failure.

PS Put some fun into your workouts and I think you'll stop worrying about how much weight is on the bar.

 

[TheDude]

My two cents here...

You don't need to hit (perceived) high weight numbers to get good results.

My trainer has a body made of iron (I know because we grapple and its like grappling with a Honda). And he never touches anything over 70 lbs. Seriously.

And when he lines up a barbell or dumbell set for me to work with, I don't give a crap how much weight is on it. Its a non-issue. Truth is, when I see it looks like a smaller plate, I know its going to be a bigger challenge than if it is simply a brute strength exercise.

I've only been at it for less than two months and I am down nearly 40 lbs of fat and have gained significant strength. And I think only in one workout did I work a weight to failure.

PS Put some fun into your workouts and I think you'll stop worrying about how much weight is on the bar.

Wait, does that 70 lbs include all workout routines (bench, squats, DL, etc)? Just curious really. I'm not one to compare numbers or use them in a pissing contest, but this made me very curious as to what type of workout he does.

 

[Jynus]

Wait, does that 70 lbs include all workout routines (bench, squats, DL, etc)? Just curious really. I'm not one to compare numbers or use them in a pissing contest, but this made me very curious as to what type of workout he does.

same here. maybe for those just looking to get into shape who've never worked out before, but only 70lbs goes against basic training principles. No one is going to get any degree of hypertrophy or strength gain from 70lbs...

 

[astrolab]

Wait, does that 70 lbs include all workout routines (bench, squats, DL, etc)? Just curious really. I'm not one to compare numbers or use them in a pissing contest, but this made me very curious as to what type of workout he does.

Yes thats right, squats, DL, clean and jerk...all the basic barbell exercises, he uses relatively light weights. He's maybe 5'10" and around 185...so he's not interested in bulking up...just creating extreme muscle endurance, and strength.

To be fair I think when he bench presses, he'll put a couple more 45 lb plates on, but still keeps stuff under/around 150 lbs.

 

[astrolab]

same here. maybe for those just looking to get into shape who've never worked out before, but only 70lbs goes against basic training principles. No one is going to get any degree of hypertrophy or strength gain from 70lbs...

I can only speak for myself, but I use those kind of weight levels and focus on perfect form, slow movement, etc, and I am increasing strength and size of muscles. Its like yoga and weight lifting combined (sort of).

I am not at all interested in entering the 'heavy weights vs light weights' debate. I know what works for me. I am convinced.