How can I support my wife???

S

sparky2

New member
First, I dont have a weight problem. My problem is that I have no idea how to effectively help my wife with her weight loss goals. Here is my story in a nutshell.

We met and started “dating” in grade school. We “broke up” and got back together again when we were in high school. We dated for 5 years and got married. We have three children between ages 8 and 13. We have been married for 17 years. My wife has always been dealing with her weight one way or another since I knew her. She hit a new high of 195lb without being pregnant, from that point on she has been successfully loosing weight for about the past year and a half.

Here’s the kicker, she started an affair about a year ago. I discovered it a few month ago and it has been completely stopped. We are currently recovering from this tragic mess but it is a rollercoaster ride from he**.

We have made so much progress in our marriage that we have all but resolved old lingering issues from all possible angles, we are doing so well, both of us.

Except one area in particular – I hurt her so much by my approach to her weight loss. She has gained about 10lb back from her low of about 147lb (I know, she has done awesome losing 50lbs) and I fear that it will continue to rise. I know this is HER “problem” not mine but I need to be there to support her. To make matters worse, the “other man” was able to fill this need that I cant seem to grasp.

Can anyone help me. I want to be there for my wife.

sparky
 
well, ok, this is a sticky sit. I suppose. There's not alot I can really say, but that from where I sit, 150 whatever really isnt' that bad. However, if its upsetting to her and she wants to loose the weight, you can help her by listening to her. Thats a big one for woman, they like to know they are being heard. Let her know how beatiful she is, regardless to her size. Don't bring home chips and pop and eat it infront of her! lol, not saying you are, but just dont :D Always remember though, that this really is her "problem" if she is not "ready" to loose the weight, by all means, let her know you are there for her either way!

anyways, I guess thats it from me, I'm sure others will have different ideas, I hope all works out for you.
 
Thank you for putting the 150 into some perspective for me. You are right.

When we are discussing meeting each others emotional needs from the affair perspective, we do that for each other in so many other areas of our lives. I dont know if you or anyone else here as ever had to deal with an affair but it is life altering to say the least. We both promised and stuck to our needed changes to fulfill the others emothional needs. Based on the research we have done on affairs / emotional needs, atractiveness is usually high on the list of a mans most desireable emotional needs. It is for me too but I have known her for so long that I can see what battle it is for her. When she drops her weight, besides becoming more shaply, she displays a tremendous amount of willpower and her whole attitude changes. She becomes this bright happy person. I love those things. I feel so shallow when I know her increasing weight bothers me and I comment, but I really do love to see that willpower in her. It makes me want her so much more. My love increases for her. I think I am a very strong willed person so when I see others with weaker wills then I tend to think less of them, especially someone so close to me, I want to push them harder.

Now I have never had to deal with a weight issue myself but I can see by watching her all these years that it is a VERY difficult thing to do. So when she looses weigtht it does amazing things for me.

Do I sound like I am trying to justify shallowness or do I have a valid point that needs to be addressed? After my wifes affair I realize that things can be VERY different from the way I perceive them to be.

sparky
 
I am down right proud of myself. This entire weekend I never said one negative thing and I even threw put some positives about her appearance. She lost 2.1 lbs in the past week and was happy to let me know that.

But I am a person who always looks into the future, near or far. I suspect her weight will go up again, maybe next week. That will be a real downer for both of us. How should I respond to her? How should I support her in a positive way? Is there soemthing i can say or do to cause her to want to succeed the following week? This is where I want to help her most. This is the hurdle that she cant sem to get past and I want to help her somehow - I know there is a way I just have never been able to figure it out.

Sparky
 
How you can support her is not focus on her weight.. it's just a number...

You can also watch your own eating habits... and eat healthy with her... you might not need to drop any weight, but eating healthy never killed anyone :D

Go out for evening walks, where you focus on each other and talk to each other.. bond... it's exercise but it doesn't have to seem like exercise if you want to be with her.

Pushing her won't do anything... it just pushes a person away...
 
I dont think youre being shallow ultimately--you mention that you find her increased CONFIDENCE and willpower and strength sexy.
May I suggest that she can find some other ways to build those qualities within herself that do NOT center solely on the number on the scale or her outward appearance quite so much?

Seriously she can get that kick ass "I rule" feeling from other places in her life and that will carry over to the rest and possibly even help her with the weight loss goals as well. For ME, I'd say exercise helps, making something that I feel proud of helps, maybe taking a class or doing an extra project at work or at school helps doing something special with the kids helps.

Essentially you find her sexy when she's "Feeling her Oats" so to speak LOL....so maybe the ONLY way to feel her oats isnt to be a skinny minny----there is SO much more to life and more to a person that that :D


As far as supporting her in her new healthy habits I agree with the other posters. Try not to eat fattening stuff in front of her when she's trying to avoid it.

Suggest taking walks together or even raking leaves, going to parks etc. Give her positive strokes often and hey how bout some calorie-burning loving?? :p
 
Why not pick up a sport together, like tennis or raquetball? That way you spend time together, you both get a workout, and have a little fun. Might be worth a try.

And definately try to decrease the negative comments, encourage her positively instead. Making her feel good when she does lose weight will encourage her to keep up the hard work.

Good luck to you both! :)
 
I can tell you that a mans idea of support, and a womans differ completely. I love my wife very much, and I don't really care if she loses or gains 50 pounds, but she asked for help losing a few pounds. I thought support was offering advice and snatching the candy out of her hand, ooops. Apparantly, it means empathizing and acting like you understand what a massive hormone swing feels like.

If you honestly can't understand how she feels, tell her you do, and wing it.

On the affair issue, I'm on my second marriage, due to an unfaithful first one. My only advice, is either make up your mind to completely drop it, or move on. I just remember every arguement being full of resentment over an affair, and coming up 2 years down the road. It's a long road you guys have ahead of you. Good Luck.
 
I agree about the affair. You have to either end it or move on. My bro.'s wife cheated on him and they stayed together for a few months, but it was constant bickering.

I also believe (and this is my own personal experiance) that weight is really a condition, or um, "side effect" of somethign else going on in your life. When I was loosing weight regularly, I felt like I had a good amt of control over my whole life. Somthing happend, not sure even what it was, but all the sudden I felt very out of control and I gained 15 pds back. Although i've stopped gaining, I'm still feeling very out of control and not doing great w/ weight loss. Maybe you can help her to look at other things going on in her life. Maybe fixing that problem(s) will help her to start loosing again.

Again though, this is her problem..no one can really "make" a person loose weight, but you can make her feel bad by pushing the issue too much.
 
Maleficient:

We both eat very healthy now. Not that we ever ate really bad but now we dont eat any fast food, we actually very seldom go out to eat anymore. We grocery shop together now so we choose healthy foods together, and some snacks for the kids. I have a pretty sensitive stomach so overeating, fast food and many restaurant foods really mess me up. Plus, whe she started her affair and I just thought "something" wasnt right, I changed EVERYTHING about myself, and I mean EVERYTHING. That was a year ago, almost to the day. I stiopped drinking any alcohol, I got more involved in the kids, I started doing any chores that needed done in the house, regardless of who's chores I thought they were. I bought my very first bible, I bought her one too, I have learned so mush about affection and what it means to a marriage, and the list goes on. Now her affair came out in the open only 3 months ago so much of this effort have recently escalated to the level I portay now. This is just to give you an idea that things were different in the past and there has been a recent revelation take place. Her weight and her clothing, (I know, its weird) are the only things that I cant seems to have control my feelings on yet.

You said "Pushing her won't do anything... it just pushes a person away..." You are so right, I see that very clearly. How do I teach myself to not push her? Sounds like a simple fix but I've been working at this one for the past 17 years.

Ravenglow:

The reason I am focusing myself on her weight is because I know she has had a weight issue for many many years, I have seen her battles with it. I have never seen anyone ever want something so bad but never be able to attain it, so when she makes such great progress as she is doing, it makes ma just say "WOW, there really is nothing that can stop this girl". See if she went out and started playing tennis and became great at it, it wouldnt have the same impact because it's not something that has elluded her for her whole life. Am I off base by thinking this way?

The walk thing is a great idea and great time together, but walking together is a huge trigger for me right now because during the affair we used to walk all the time, in fact, during the affair, thats when we started walking because I wanted to pull us closer together since I thought "something" was wrong. Little did I know that she would direct the walk into areas of the neighborood that she may get a glimpse of "him". However, we do work on yard work and other household shore together now.

Sucara:

"And definately try to decrease the negative comments, encourage her positively instead. Making her feel good when she does lose weight will encourage her to keep up the hard work."

This is where my latest efforts lie. But when the weight starts to go up I get weak and blurt out something I probably shouldnt. I grew up in a family who really was big on saying what "needed" to be said and we all gave contructive criticism like it's going out of style.

What positive support can I give when her weight starts to increase, and increase? My thought right now is to just not say or do anything.


Buh bye gut:

I love your name. :) Do you think you not caring about 50lbs one way or the other could have to do with the affair in your last marriage. I mean now you understand whats really important? Or is that just how you have always viewed your mates appearance/weigtht? Thats a great thing by the way.


newbride02:

That is so very profound!!! And it makes sense in her life. We thought we had a good marriage pre affair but now in hindsight we can see where life had taken several bad turns for many, many years for us. Maybe since we seem to be going down the right road now by being ultrasensitive to each other, our children and our marriage her weight may do even better. Maybe not, maybe our outlook on it will.

You know, I never seen her do so good with a diet like when she was in the affair. Now that we openly discuss the affair she has told me she was living in her own little fantasy world. She would leave the problems at home and when she was with him she always had a sense of euphoria, and they saw each other almost daily. Hmmmmmm, this an interesting one.

Thanks to all of you, so my post grew to be so long.

One more thing... When she lost so much weigth, do you have any idea how many people kept telling me "you better keep an eye on her" or "is she hooking up with another guy". This was so common that it actually started to make me think, many of the more serious comments came from spouses that had already been betrayed. Amazing...

Sparky
 
this is a none of my business question but i'm gonna ask anyhow...

Are you in couples counselling to work thru the affair.. sounds like there was a lot going on before the affair happened... not that is a good excuse for a person to have an affair, but... it does happen...

The armchair shrink in me (keep in mind, i've got NO psychological training at all) says that the weight is really just a small issue, and there's stuff in the relationship itself that needs fixing...
 
Tough issues, for sure...

You are certainly trying to make things better. Sometimes it seems that men just can't do or say anything right about weight with a woman. Maybe that's because weight is such an emotionally charged issue with women.

I'm a 61 yr. old lady who is not married but who has had some experience of life and here's my take on it:

Let your wife be the one who is in charge of her weight loss. Do not take so much on yourself. Make positive comments when she is losing weight and taking good care of herself. That way you are letting her know what you like and appreciate. It is very understandable that you are more attracted to a healthy, pretty, self-possessed happy, energetic woman instead of the opposite. This does not make you shallow! However, none of us always get exactly what we want from other people at all times, right? Marriage being what it is, you may sometimes have to tolerate what you have tolerated before, a wife with a weight problem.

So let your job be to compliment her when she is winning her battle and stay silent when she is not. Do not give her any negative feedback. It is simply NOT helpful and will not have the effect of making her take better care of herself. The combination of high self-esteem and self-discipline is what gets people to successfully manage weight. Women usually are able to have more self-esteem and self-discipline when they are given support, not criticism, teasing or other comments about the negative side of weight gain.

I commend you for taking charge of your own health and not eating junk food around her. That is very helpful indeed. Maybe the next step could be doing some form of exercise you can both participate in (besides the obvious!) such as riding a tandem bike or going to a salsa dance class. What about treadmills in front of the TV? Or joining the YMCA and going swimming together?

Remember that it's HER problem and not up to you to coax her or hassle her into handling it. Just don't do anything she tells you is a major problem for her like bringing a pizza home or buying her candy. Or anything else she tells you makes it harder for her. Then just let her take charge of it and be happy when it's working.

As for the affair...people have been doing this since the beginning of time so don't be too hard on yourself. No matter what you did or didn't do, it was her choice. You don't have full control over other people's actions, so don't assume there is a magic key to getting her to stick to a weight loss program or to her marriage vows. There isn't. Kinda tough, isn't it?

It reminds me of one of John Wayne's lines in the movie Hondo (this shows my age, I suppose) where he states: "I've noticed that people pretty much do what they want. A long time ago I made a rule about it: I let 'em." Hondo (John Wayne) knew what he was talking about.

So just "let" her take charge of her weight, and, hopefully, her devotion and loyalty to you, her caring husband. Nothing's certain in either or these areas but it's your best chance.
 
maleficient:

I have allowed my personal life to become your business if you so choose, and it sounds like you choose. I appreciate that.

As for pre affair, we had a "typical" marriage. No drugs, we did do social drinking, in hindsight, way too much. Church was occasional at best. We camped and vacationed as a family. We were basic. Although, we have always argued, sometime cheap shots at one another, etc. We never really put much effort into "us". Looking back I can see where our "typical" marriage was really messed up.

Here's an example of what we are doing to make out marriage and our family life better. These are all things we never used to do, or seldom did at best.

Carpool to and from work together every day.
Make dinner together almost every day.
Grocery shop together always.
Read the bible to each other about once a week.
We take turns reading out load "Surviving and Affair" (we just finished it) and "his needs her needs" (in the middle of it) and "Love Busters" (haven’t started yet).
WE go to church every Sunday.
We are hosting a "friendship First" class at our home once a month for my sons youth group.
We go on dates about 1-2 month.
We sneak away to a coffee shop and talk.
We email each other all day long.
We are both on an infidelity forum on the internet. (this has been a huge help).
We attended a Marriage Encounter weekend. (we are even considering becoming a presenting couple in the future).
WE make sure we go to bed together every single night.
We both attend our children’s events/activities.

Last October when the whole affair thing became a fear in my mind, I insisted we attend marriage counseling. We went to many sessions. Knowing what I know now, the marriage counselor inadvertently helped my wife conceal the affair. That’s why I do not want to go to formal counseling now.


Lauriejane:

Thank you for all your words. They are very comforting and reassuring. I am going to refer to your post a few more times in the next few days.

Sparky
 
My 2cents worth

I have to admit I don't have much experience in the areas you are struggling with, I'm only 21!!! But, from what I read, I think that really you shouldn't focus on her weight too much if at all. Like someone else said (soz can't remember who) it is probably a symptom. Everything you are doing to strengthen your relationship sounds GREAT and really positive, so just keep it all up, and I bet as your wife starts to feel more comfortable and secure and busy (!) she will lose some weight without even trying. And even if she doesn't, it probably won't matter to you too much, coz you'll have such a strong relationship!!!
 
I applaud you for making church so important in your marriage. God and church is oh so important and this world just wants to sweep it under the rug.

Never underestimate the power of prayer!
 
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