Hopefully Not Hopeless

DarkEyes16

DarkEyes16

New member
So I decided to finally start a weightloss journal on this site today. However, I'm starting it on a sad note.

Today was probably one of the worst days ever in my weight loss journey. I was working with numbers today. My measurements, my lean body mass, my BMI, my body fat percentage and I found out that I will never be under 200 pounds. All I want to do and is hide and cry.

Realizing that I will never be under 200 pounds took so many things away from me.
I will never have the sleek back I dreamed of.
I will never be a size 8-10.
I will never feel thin or even normal.
I will always have a low self-confidence around men.
I will be forced to settle.
I will always be considered severely obese.
And my family, immediate and extended will always consider me fat.

How did I figure this out today. Well I had my BMI measured a while back and I have 167.6lbs of lean mass. To be at a healthy BMI or body fat percentage(both different) I need to be around 207 to 209 pounds. My very first goal was to be 150, but after getting my lean body mass I realized that would be impossible. So I decided i want to be 190 and 180 would be amazing however both of those weights would put me at a risk of being severly underweight. I'm only 5' 8". Why was I made this way? How am I so genetically messed up that I'm a freak of nature. It's upsetting. And today I feel hopeless.

So far today I ate:
Breakfast: A bowl of special K vanilla almond with vanilla soy milk

Lunch: Kashi sweet and sour chicken meal

Snack: 100 calorie fruit snack(really bad but i wanted something sweet)

Snack: Kashi peanut peanut butter bar

Dinner: I haven't eaten yet but I really want eggs so I think I'll have two egg white and one full egg with some cheese and whole wheat toast.

I haven't drank enough water today. But I'm not very good at that I'm working up to 8 glasses a day but I tend to chug 4 glasses at a time or at least force myself to. Its the only way I can get all the water in.

Anyway, sorry for starting off my diary on a sad note. I just needed to write today. But I hope to keep going with my weight loss even if it means I'll never reach my goal.

My starting weight was: 271
My current weight is: 238
 
Hey no one is hopeless...everyone can do this, dont look at hte numbers or at the whatever, focus on eatign wella nd exercising lots and feel ing good, everyhitng will fall into place afterwards...I wish you luck on our journey and i am here to help if I can...
 
Hi DarkEyes,
I'm sorry that things are rough for you right now.
One thing I would encourage is not to focus so much on the numbers. I know, it's hard, and I do it, too. But if you eat well, and exercise, the weight that your body needs to lose will come off, and it will find a new balance. That might be over 200, it might be under 200. Calculations like BMI and others are meant as a guide, but everyone's body is different. You'll know as you keep losing the weight where you're comfortable.
The second thing is the comment you made at the end of your post, "But I hope to keep going with my weight loss even if it means I'll never reach my goal."... the process for you now isn't to think about how you'll never make your goal, but to set a new goal, one that you can make. I think many people never lose the weight they need to because their goals are too far away. Start smaller... and when you get there, think about where you go next.
I don't mean to tell you how to handle things, or to make you feel that your concerns aren't valid, because they are. It's just so important for you right now to be able to re-set a little bit, and keep going. You've done great work so far!!!
 
DarkEyes16 said:
So I decided i want to be 190 and 180 would be amazing however both of those weights would put me at a risk of being severly underweight. I'm only 5' 8". Why was I made this way? How am I so genetically messed up that I'm a freak of nature. It's upsetting. And today I feel hopeless.
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Hi Darkeyes :) , am I missing something as I don't understand alot of your post especially the above...why can't you be 190/180? :eek: .
 
Blitzed said:
Hi Darkeyes :) , am I missing something as I don't understand alot of your post especially the above...why can't you be 190/180? :eek: .
Click to expand...

Because I have 167.6 lbs of lean mass so me being 180 or 190 would put me underweight. To be in the healthy 18% - 23% range I would have to be above 200.
 
Christmas Eve

Well I cheated big time. But I knew I was going to cheat. Every year I go to my best friend's house for her family Christmas eve party. And every year there is delicious soul food there. I knew I was going to cheat today. So yesterday I stayed strictly in my calorie limit. Also for most of the day today, I didn't eat too much before I went.

Breakfast: Special K Vanilla Almond with Vanilla Soy milk

Lunch: Chicken Breast with 1/2 cup sauce and 1/4 cup shredded cheese

Snack: Kashi Peanut Peanut Butter Bar

So by 5pm I had only consumed about 800 calories and thats me rounding up.

However dinner was probably more like 3000 calories oh but it was sooooo good. And I only get to have it once a year.

Let's see I had about a cup of baked mac and cheese, 1/2 cup of sweet potato with marshmallow topping, a celery stick with a tablespoon of dip, about 2 rolls with 2 tablespoons of spinach dip, 5 crackers with 5 cheese cubes, about 2 handfuls of white chocolate with peanut butter drizzle popcorn, a huge glass of wine, about 4 cups of ginger ale(cause my stomach had been bothering me the past couple days), and 1/2 a slice of cheesecake.

Ok wow! Yeah I know it sounds like a huge amount but it was over a 4 hour period and it was actually a little bit of everything. So really it wasn't that much but it was a little bit of a lot of high calorie foods. And you know what it was good! It was delicious. Good thing it only happens once a year....haha. Back to normal life on Christmas day.

Best thing about everything though, I felt very full but not overly stuffed like I know I would have done had it been the past years, AND I weighed the same amount after, as I did before I left. I weigh myself like 10 times a day. I know crazy. But I usually count my weightloss by what I weigh in the morning. Cause throughout the day I usually weigh a pound more due to water and food.

Anyway, I've decided to make my goal 210. I won't stop at 210 but that will be my ultimate goal for now. I hope to be 220 by March 25th.
 
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Whoo-hoo!
Holiday Food Cheaters of the world... UNITE!

It can be so very worthwhile to get that sense of satisfaction and know that you have yourself covered for awhile. I don't worry about holiday cheating, so much of the fat and calories just goes right through us it's impossible to measure accurately anyhoo.

As for weight equalling sizes, that just isn't true! If poundage is depressing you, go by what you want to look like and work to get to THAT ideal, instead of basing it all on calories. You have already lost a couple of sizes, I am quite sure, and have more to lose on the way down to your 'ideal' body. Weight is just one of the measures, remember that you only want to drop the pounds so that you can achieve the specific look you are after; try focusing on the look, instead. Who knows, you might just be happy with what you get; woudn't THAT be a tragedy? :D
 
Some Motivation

Well I won't go into what I ate today, it wasn't the best but I know I'm not over my calorie limit because I ate very little today. I still need to drink all my water though. How do you drink 8 glasses if you're never thirsty?

Anyway, the good news however is that I was able to squeeze myself into a pair of old size 18 pants. I mean by no means am I a size 18 because they were very tight but about 2 and half weeks ago those pants wouldn't have even closed. So its good motivation to keep going and try to fit into them comfortably. I've been a little down on myself with all this weight loss because after losing a little over 30 pounds I still hadn't dropped a single size. And technically I still haven't dropped a size, but at least I know I'm getting close now. Maybe 15 more pounds will do it.

Wow 45 pounds to drop one size, that kind of sucks. But at least it'll be a size right?
 
Ah I wear size 18. =) So we must be similiar in weight.

Nice to meet you btw. After reading your journal you sound alot like me, so expect me to visit you every now and again to check up on ya. =)

I also have trouble drinking my water. I was doing soo good for awhile but fell off the wagon so to speak. So *bonk* I'll encourage you if you encourge me. LOL
 
Interval Training

Ah I was doing so well today. Until dinner. I went out with my brother and cousins and I definitely think I took in 1500 calories at dinner and about a million grams of fat. Sigh...why do I love eating out so much this sucks.

But on a better note I did interval training again today. I stopped three times, once to pee, once to stretch and once to breathe. But they were short. I did it on the treadmill with walking and jogging. I put a 45 minute program but I couldn't do the full 45 minutes. I did 35 minutes and burned 325 calories. I'm going to keep trying until I can do the 45 minutes all the way through. But I was glad I got to 35. Then I jumped on the elliptical. All together I did 3.5 miles and burned 560 calories.

Oh and I also went shopping so I did more walking and changed clothes a lot. I wanted to do more active stuff so I called my cousins to see if they wanted to walk around the mall. However, now I'm exhausted and I have a small headache.

Unfortunately I wasted all my hard work with dinner! Blah! Keeping to a strict diet is becoming harder and harder. Do you ever find yourself getting sick of food quickly? I don't really like meat except maybe chicken. But who wants to eat chicken everyday all the time. And I'm not big on tofu. And I kinda hate seafood.

Well tomorrow is a new day. Where I think I actually need to go grocery shopping. But also I'm lifting weights tomorrow. I don't know if I'll be able to do the interval training after my lifting weights cause I usually do cardio but I can't go as hard as the days when I'm just doing cardio. But I'll see. I also found some healthy recipes, so maybe i'll find something new to eat.

I still need to drink 3 more cups of water :/
 
Try drinking small amounts of water, even when you aren't thirsty. Just grab a few sips (4 oz) at a time, and call it good, do it again in half an hour or whatever you like.
 
Serving sizes

Well I didn't go grocery shopping today. Mainly because I spent most of my time today trying to register for the damn MCAT. Anyway, I did go to the gym. But it was uh that time of the month for me today, so I wasn't working out as hard. Mainly because it felt like my uterus was falling out and I thought my hip was broken.

Anyway I lifted weights for half an hour and did 20 minutes on the elliptical and 15 on the treadmill. With cardio I burned about 360 calories. And I don't know how much lifting weights burns but I'm gonna say I burn about 400 calories total today. I usually try to burn 500.

And then with my eating today I thought I was doing well even though I didn't go grocery shopping. But here's my question how does someone fill up on only 1/2 a cup of pasta. What is that 2 bites, maybe 3? See we have this spaghetti measurer so I measured for 1 serving. But when it was cooked it was definitely more than half a cup. It was probably 2 cups. And unfortunately I ate it all. Cause hey man that was dinner and I was hungry. Anyone have a picture of a serving of spaghetti? Cause really I don't see how people can only eat 1/2 a cup of pasta. And i thought I was doing well with my calories today. I don't really like to count calories but I have been more since I've been eating a few exta carbs. I definitely need to go grocery shopping after work tomorrow and buy myself some more chicken lol.

But yeah today I ate...

Breakfast: Vanilla Almond Special K with Vanilla Soy Milk

Lunch: 1 egg, and 1 egg white made into an omelet with pepper and 1/4 cup shredded cheese, With one slice whole wheat toast

1 cup orange juice

Snack: Kashi Peanut Peanut Butter Bar

Dinner: 2 cups pasta(I guess), 1 cup spaghetti sauce, 2 oz grated parm cheese and 1 can of ginger ale <--yeah I know soda's not good but my stomach has been acting funny and I wanted something sweet

And 1 chocolate candy(it's like one hershey kiss) <--whatever man I'm on my period.

I always round up with my calories and All this puts me at about 1850 calories. Which isn't bad cause I try to 2000. But I don't know, now I'm worried cause maybe my lean body mass measurement is wrong. Maybe I should stick to 1500. So 1850 minus the 400 I burned off puts me at 1450. Not bad..not bad. Right?

Oh and note to self DO NOT eat pasta for two weeks.

I was a carb fiend before all my lifestyle changes. I lived off of bread, pasta, and pizza. Now if I have bread even once during the day its pretty rare. And pasta ha...it means I'm not eating at home. I think the same goes for bread now too. Pizza well thats another story. I love pizza, if I could eat pizza everyday I would. I mean I practically use to love. Damn you carbs why do I love you so??!! But I'm trying to slowly ween myself off pizza. I'm down to once a week if that, which trust me is like amazing for me.
 
darkeyes
Pasta has always been a hard thing for me to just drop. It is loaded with calories but it's just something I have always eaten so it's hard to just drop. The chocolate is ummmm something I'm not gonna do without. There are times I can go three or four weeks without but when I want it I'm gonna have it lol.
 
Stuck

Well I haven't been on for a few days. I told myself that I should keep in touch with people more often because I'm horrible at keeping in touch. So I called or messaged 5 people one day and now I think I realize why I don't keep in touch so often especially since I'm trying to lose weight. All of a sudden I had a bunch of commitments and I ate out for every meal for the past 3 days. It really sucks too because I've been in this weird 5 pound range and I can't get over it. I thought that I would suddenly drop a few pounds since my period is over now. Cause I just keep the weight on until my period but nope I stayed the same. Maybe even gained a pound. I know this weekend didn't help anything. I ate a lot of salads but I definitely had fries twice which isn't good, and I had ice cream and desserts and alcohol and pizza. But not a lot of alcohol only two mixed drinks over the past 3 days which isn't bad. But I've been stuck between 235-240 lbs. I don't know what to do, I've been trying to get over 235 for so long. But its just not budging. I've kicked up my workout a little with the interval training. I'll go hard again this week and hope I drop but I'm not sure I will. One day I'm 235 and then one day I'm 240. I've fluctuating up and down for over a month I think. I set mini goals for myself and they take so long to get to I forget how long I've been trying to reach it and when I reached my last goal. And I don't know what to eat today, I'm so sick of eggs and chicken. And I'm going out again today! I want grilled cheese. lol. Well time to go drink water.
 
I hate when I get together with friends and the only thing we can think to do is go out and put food in our mouth. Its insane. Maybe next time you go out maybe you and your friends can find something else to do. Tell them you're dieting.

Anyway, Have a Great New Year!!! :D
 
changeforlife said:
I hate when I get together with friends and the only thing we can think to do is go out and put food in our mouth. Its insane. Maybe next time you go out maybe you and your friends can find something else to do. Tell them you're dieting.

Anyway, Have a Great New Year!!! :D
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Thanks but there really is nothing else to do. I already tried going to the mall everyday of the week its boring. And I don't tell anyone I'm dieting, its how I've been successful. Thats why I joined this forum because this is where I discuss it. Otherwise, I keep my weightloss journey to myself. It helps me. But thanks.

Happy New Year to you too.
 
I know what you mean about going out for food, I hate how that works. I am making an effort to go do things that don't require eating, like movies or a walk in the park, or even going out to play pool with some friends. I am trying to get one of my old workout buddies to get back on the ball with me, but he's not going for it.
If the mall is it for entertainment in your area, consider finding a healthy-food place and snacking there while you go window shopping with your friends? Or, better yet, go torment some of the people at the stores by trying on a dozen outfits and not buying anything :D
It may be mean, but it's a lot of fun, if you're in the mood for it.

Keeping your change in eating habits to yourself is good, in my opinion; I hate how people get when they know. The 'subtle' offers of snacks or treats, like they are actually trying to do something nice for you by bringing it to your attention and then focusing on it. Stay strong and keep you mind occupied on the good things, and DON'T CHOKE ANYONE!
:D Hope you're having a good time!
 
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