ButterflyBliss
New member
Hi everyone, I'm from Brisbane, Australia and joined this website because it has a Cohen's thread (I couldn't find a local one).
My journey to being on Cohen's is a long one but I am going to talk about it here because it feels right and safe.
I am now 43 and have struggled with eating disorders since I was around 19. First I had anorexia for about 3 years. I wasn't diagnosed until later and all I can recall now is simply not being able to eat or put food near my mouth for fear of being sick. I got down to around 40kg I guess (wasn't in to weighing myself then). I have two photos from this time and know now I looked very ill, was losing my hair and had the whole big head on stick like body thing happening.
Sadly for me I met someone who was attracted to emaciated women so when I started getting well and putting on a healthy weight he became concerned I was getting too fat. He made an appointment and took me to a dietician at a local hospital who actually accepted me as a client when I was weighing a pathetic 52kg! This was my first actual diet and since I'd never really had to focus so much on what I was actually eating I started exercising to manage my weight and was later diagnosed with compulsive exercise disorder. I was at the gym or pool for 3 - 4 hours a day and developed lots of stress injuries, but kept going oblivious. Eventually I set a full gym up at home so I could workout at home and at the gym.
A couple of incidents changed my interest in working out. I also lost interest in my general health and started eating things I never ate before like meat and greasy stuff. My weight kept going up and up and I was very unhappy with a lot of aspects of my life - things felt out of my control. MY GP eventually referred me to a psychiatrist when I was 34 and I was formally diagnosed as having eating disorders. HUGE SHOCK!
At this time I was diagnosed with a reverse form of anorexia where I was absolutely terrified of losing weight. Even a natural half a kilo loss sent me to lie on the lounge with a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk! And of course I became obsessed about weighing myself so it was a constant cycle of despair.
By the time I was 36 I was bulimic. I would starve myself till around 3pm every day and be so hungry that I would pretty much eat until I went to bed at 11pm each night, mostly without being concious of what I was doing. I didn't purge and I didn't eat whole cakes or anything extreme like that but ate too much of normal food within a condensed period of time, then of course suffered the anguish of that the day after - a daily pattern of punishing myself to add to the despair.
I then had to have three months of work and go into intensive treatment to avoid tipping back into being anorexic (the starvation stuff was taking over). That was the hardest time for me as I realised this meant I was 'really sick' and I was afraid of people knowing this. I had to tell a couple of close friends (I've only told family and my workplace over the last two years!) who were very supportive and had an idea that something was wrong anyway.
During the months of treatment I was linked in with an eating disorder (ED) group and it was the best thing that had happened to me. I knew there were other odd people like me! I also found a psychologist that I saw daily and left my psychiatrist. As your needs change so do your supports, and we were both fine with the parting (I didn't need any more guilt!). My GP is still with me though and I LOVE HER!!!!!
By 39 things seemed under control. Every single day was still a battle from breakfast to bedtime but it was one I had the energy and structure for. My GP put me on Duromine for two years and that helped reduce my anxiety around food and shopping and cooking. I lost around 25 kilos very slowly and safely.
Last year I suffered the unexpected death of one of my ED friends and hit a really bad patch. My bulimia morphed itself and mimicked that I had a real illness when all it was doing was keeping me in bed, immobile and starving myself again. It took my GP and some hormone specialists several months to realise it was all in my head. I was devastated. It has taken me all of 2006 to get back on track.
With my GP's assistance I decided that the weight finally had to go because it was actually ruining my health and life after a lot of investigation I decided the Cohen's Program at East Brisbane was the most suitable for me. I actually feel really good about this decision. The person I deal with there really understands me and knows how to put things in a technical (rather than a food and body way) that makes sense to this poor disturbed brain! There is also anxiety under the surface but I have all my supports in place outside of Cohen's who will be there for my thoughts head off track.
I weighed in last week (102kg and only 155cm tall!) and start my program tomorrow 22/09/2006 - all carefully planned out to suit me and maximise my success. The goal is for me to reach 53 - 50kg but I can't focus on that. I know my body will tell me when it has lost enough. If I stay a little over or under what is ideal for my body then there is always the risk of my eating disorders taking over. I have to start trusting back in what my body tells me (it is currently telling me BLAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)
I guess I'm writing all this here to be honest with myself about where I'm at and the journey I am on right now - another baby step forward. I'm also writing this here in case there is anyone else who has issues with food/their body/ED's and needs to be brave about where they are at too.
The brain is a very powerful tool but you can develop strategies to live with an ED and take some control back. I will have one or another type of ED for the rest of my life but I am no longer afraid or ashamed of it.
I am who I am and I can't be anyone else.
BB
XXX
My journey to being on Cohen's is a long one but I am going to talk about it here because it feels right and safe.
I am now 43 and have struggled with eating disorders since I was around 19. First I had anorexia for about 3 years. I wasn't diagnosed until later and all I can recall now is simply not being able to eat or put food near my mouth for fear of being sick. I got down to around 40kg I guess (wasn't in to weighing myself then). I have two photos from this time and know now I looked very ill, was losing my hair and had the whole big head on stick like body thing happening.
Sadly for me I met someone who was attracted to emaciated women so when I started getting well and putting on a healthy weight he became concerned I was getting too fat. He made an appointment and took me to a dietician at a local hospital who actually accepted me as a client when I was weighing a pathetic 52kg! This was my first actual diet and since I'd never really had to focus so much on what I was actually eating I started exercising to manage my weight and was later diagnosed with compulsive exercise disorder. I was at the gym or pool for 3 - 4 hours a day and developed lots of stress injuries, but kept going oblivious. Eventually I set a full gym up at home so I could workout at home and at the gym.
A couple of incidents changed my interest in working out. I also lost interest in my general health and started eating things I never ate before like meat and greasy stuff. My weight kept going up and up and I was very unhappy with a lot of aspects of my life - things felt out of my control. MY GP eventually referred me to a psychiatrist when I was 34 and I was formally diagnosed as having eating disorders. HUGE SHOCK!
At this time I was diagnosed with a reverse form of anorexia where I was absolutely terrified of losing weight. Even a natural half a kilo loss sent me to lie on the lounge with a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk! And of course I became obsessed about weighing myself so it was a constant cycle of despair.
By the time I was 36 I was bulimic. I would starve myself till around 3pm every day and be so hungry that I would pretty much eat until I went to bed at 11pm each night, mostly without being concious of what I was doing. I didn't purge and I didn't eat whole cakes or anything extreme like that but ate too much of normal food within a condensed period of time, then of course suffered the anguish of that the day after - a daily pattern of punishing myself to add to the despair.
I then had to have three months of work and go into intensive treatment to avoid tipping back into being anorexic (the starvation stuff was taking over). That was the hardest time for me as I realised this meant I was 'really sick' and I was afraid of people knowing this. I had to tell a couple of close friends (I've only told family and my workplace over the last two years!) who were very supportive and had an idea that something was wrong anyway.
During the months of treatment I was linked in with an eating disorder (ED) group and it was the best thing that had happened to me. I knew there were other odd people like me! I also found a psychologist that I saw daily and left my psychiatrist. As your needs change so do your supports, and we were both fine with the parting (I didn't need any more guilt!). My GP is still with me though and I LOVE HER!!!!!
By 39 things seemed under control. Every single day was still a battle from breakfast to bedtime but it was one I had the energy and structure for. My GP put me on Duromine for two years and that helped reduce my anxiety around food and shopping and cooking. I lost around 25 kilos very slowly and safely.
Last year I suffered the unexpected death of one of my ED friends and hit a really bad patch. My bulimia morphed itself and mimicked that I had a real illness when all it was doing was keeping me in bed, immobile and starving myself again. It took my GP and some hormone specialists several months to realise it was all in my head. I was devastated. It has taken me all of 2006 to get back on track.
With my GP's assistance I decided that the weight finally had to go because it was actually ruining my health and life after a lot of investigation I decided the Cohen's Program at East Brisbane was the most suitable for me. I actually feel really good about this decision. The person I deal with there really understands me and knows how to put things in a technical (rather than a food and body way) that makes sense to this poor disturbed brain! There is also anxiety under the surface but I have all my supports in place outside of Cohen's who will be there for my thoughts head off track.
I weighed in last week (102kg and only 155cm tall!) and start my program tomorrow 22/09/2006 - all carefully planned out to suit me and maximise my success. The goal is for me to reach 53 - 50kg but I can't focus on that. I know my body will tell me when it has lost enough. If I stay a little over or under what is ideal for my body then there is always the risk of my eating disorders taking over. I have to start trusting back in what my body tells me (it is currently telling me BLAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)
I guess I'm writing all this here to be honest with myself about where I'm at and the journey I am on right now - another baby step forward. I'm also writing this here in case there is anyone else who has issues with food/their body/ED's and needs to be brave about where they are at too.
The brain is a very powerful tool but you can develop strategies to live with an ED and take some control back. I will have one or another type of ED for the rest of my life but I am no longer afraid or ashamed of it.
I am who I am and I can't be anyone else.
BB
XXX
