Help me I'm lost!

Hi, I am a 41 year old couch potato! in 1997 I weighed 285lbs and I found out that I was diabetic, I didn't like what my nutritionist was saying so did tons of research on my own, and found that a low carb no sugar diet would help me and it did between that diet and exercise over 3 years I lost 120lbs, for years I maintained my weight between 165 and 170lbs.

In Feb. of 2010 I caught a virus and was extremely sick I can't remember the name of the virus I caught but its a virus that usually only effects children but when adults do catch it, they get extremely ill. the Dr. believes that the reason I caught this virus was because at that time my white blood cell count was nil. and he diagnosed me with a hyper active thyroid. I was bed ridden for 4 months and then it was an additional 2 months before I completely recovered. But during that sickness I became very depressed and started to have anxiety attacks. I am bipolar but these last 2 years are the worst I have ever been, I almost didn't make it trough the sickness, I got to the point that the pain and fatigue just got to much, I knew I couldn't choose that path because I have two teens of my own and an adult and teen step-sons and even know I wasn't able to care for them while I was sick I knew they needed me so I got help.

Since then my Dr. has given me numerous mixtures of meds, for the first few weeks they make me extremely tired but when I start getting used to them the fatigue goes away but after a few months when the depression and anxiety attacks were still happening he would changes the meds. I've just started two new pills that my Dr. is positive about.

I've never gotten my energy level back from being sick, I barley move in a day, I don't sleep at night and then I dose all day, I even have a hard time getting house work done, My Christmas tree is still in the box in the living room waiting to be put up. I just do not have the energy to put it up!

My Dr. has been so busy with getting my emotions on track that he hasn't been worried about my weight or pushing me to start an exercise program but he said that I'm OK to start a exercise plan, he did say to start slow.

I am just terrified right now because my husband and I have decided to quit smoking we have picked our date, and I'm worried like thousands of others I will turn to food to fill the void of the habit, even know I've been immobile I still watch my portions, but I have been eating carbs and sweets on a regular basis, my blood sugar is higher but not high enough that I need meds to control it but it won't be long before I'll need meds for that also, in 97 I was taking pills to control my blood sugar because it was running between 12 and 17 and normal is like 2 to 4. My Dr. also told me that he has had patients that have gained weight after they quit smoking and they never changed there diet or exercise, he said the body runs in mysterious ways.

I also have two teen children a girl 13 a boy 17 and two step-sons one adult 20 and one 15, I don't want them to grow up and leave home only remembering me as a lazy couch potato, I want to be the positive influence I had been for years. I want to spend these last few years playing with them, hiking, roller blading, biking and snowboarding things I used to do with them but now even climbing the stairs with stuff in my hands is to much. Even at my highest weight I still had energy!

I feel like I weigh 285 again! I look at myself in the mirror with no cloths off and see myself like I was at 285! I am 5'8 and big boned, my Dr. said my ideal weight is 145 to 155lbs but when I was a teen I weighed 135 to 140lbs. so that is where I would like to be again. Really at this point my actual weight doesn't even concern me I just want to have my energy back and be able to take my walks and exercise again!

Another thing that really worries me is; I watched a show called plastic perfect and there was a woman on there who had lost a great deal of weight and her skin was just hanging off of her, when I lost the weight the first time I was younger I guess so the skin tightened and I'm worried that even after I loss the weight I'll have a huge stomach of skin hanging down like the woman on the show, she was able to go and get a tummy tuck she said she was exercising every day for like two hours. Is there no way of losing the weight and the skin tightening with the weight loss, is it possible that this woman had her stomach stapled and that is actually how she lost the weight and because it was so fast the skin didn't have time to shrink?

If anyone can help me, give my support and guidance direct me to the right places on this forum, I would be ever so grateful, I want to live life again! I'm tired of being dead inside, I don't want my children to always remember me like this, please help me if you can.

Thank you
 
I also wanted to mention that even stuff that I don't need to get up to do, like working on my website myamazonicself.com which is a website for woman to get fashion, make-up, hair, work, relationship ext. advise on I just revamped the site, it was all about me. My mission statement was "One Woman's Transformation From Couch Potato to Amazon Goddess at 40" but I had to revamp it because I wasn't doing anything to transform! I built the site to inspire others like me. I have a lot of followers from the previous site, so far I have only posted two blog entries. I really want to be able to help others. I am also an artist and writer I had been working on a fiction novel but I haven't touched it in a year. It's literately like I am living in limbo! I'm also unemployed and haven't had much luck in the last 10 years I've been fired from 5 jobs al of them I put in a claim at the labour board for being unjustly fired and won each time, I should sat that out of the 5 jobs one was a lay off, but the rest were dismissals. Even know I have become lazy at those jobs I worked hard I went beyond my job specifications but unfortunetly there were women that I worked with who thought I wanted there job when the truth was I was happy with the job I had. This added to my depression and anxiety. I am currently looking for work but to be honest I really don't know how I would go to work, I am experienced and educated but just haven't had any luck. I've recently really thought about what career experience I loved the most and have decided to take two diploma courses one is for Event Management and the other is a PR course. I'm excited to start and really want to start my own business because at this point I don't trust people to appreciate me and I really couldn't handle another dismissal! However I don't feel like I am prepared to start school or even think about starting a business with the state I'm in.

Sorry I do not mean to ramble but other than my husband and my two Dr. (family and psychiatrist) I haven't really been honest with what is going on and if feels good to get it off my chest!

Thank you
Jenn
 
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