The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. Marcel Proust
This quote is very appropriate, particularly because there have been 3 references to Proust for me in the past 24 hours. The first reference to Proust was while watching "Little Miss Sunshine." Then, the director of the play I am in used this as her daily quote. Finally, during a googling search this evening, I came upon it again. I'm guessing it's a sign, and a good place to start my diary.
One of the things that struck me about the Proust reference in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine" was when Steve Carrell's character said something to the effect of Proust realized that all the years of suffering were what really mattered, and all the years he was happy were a waste. If that is the case, I suppose I can look back on my life so far with more meaning than I ever have before. Hopefully with new eyes, as my diary title suggests.
I'm not here to complain, far from it. I also don't want my first post to be sombre or sad because that is not the type of person I am at all. I just would like to reflect this evening on how what happened tonight is the essence of things as they have happened for so much of my life.
I am living in a roommate situation. One of my roommates is an attractive member of the opposite sex. I have tried getting his attention but he really isn't my type. Yet, I persist. I find myself in social situations with him that are truly uncomfortable because I believe that I can make it okay. I take his silence as something that is wrong with me and not him. I believe it is my current state of obesity that keeps us from having not only a normal friendship but romantic relationship. The kicker is that I'm not even really that attracted to him. I get jealous when other girls flirt with him but I'm not even sure that he's right for me. In fact, I think he's probably a terrible choice.
So, why do I fret? Because I believe that at an average weight, I would be able to hold a friendly conversation with this person while walking down the street, instead of the awkward silence that accompanies many of our outings. I believe he would be interested in who I am, asking questions about me, rather than ignore me unless he needed something. I believe this
microcosm of the macrocosm would assist me in believing that I actually am here for a reason and that I deserve to feel worthy of using the oxygen that politicians haven't found a way to charge us for, yet. But, most of all, for the justification of love, lust, and intoxication of spirit that I know exists somewhere in physical reality but has somehow evaded me. I feel it while I'm singing or when I hear a song. I know it exists but I have yet to actually experience it.
This is my adventure in the weight loss jungle. It's feels like such a singular journey but I know so many people have gone through it and have felt exactly the same as me. And, there are so many kids who are feeling it now. I can relate to them and everyone else who has felt invisible or who has wondered why they were cursed with a body that didn't metabolize fat faster or who has never been able to shop anywhere but bigger stores or who has cried while trying on shoes. Normally, I hide my feelings and fears but I'm at the point where even if someone made fun of my words here on this site, it wouldn't matter. There is no turning back point right now.
My starting weight was 335. I currently weight 305. My goal weight is 200. But, I would really like to drop below 200. I want to reach 200 by age 30. If I can do that, anything lower would seem like heaven. I've been doing really well since I started actively pursuing my goal. I hit road blocks every now and then (particularly when it's my special womanly time of the month) or when I'm sick or injured. If my schedule gets interrupted, it usually makes me angry. I kind of binged today. I had a pint of ice cream, Arby's and assorted cookies. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it but it's so hard to actually let myself eat anything except "healthy" foods without guilt. One of my goals is to be able to eat something without the massive Catholic guilt that accompanies meals and snacks.
So, that's all for today. I hope that I can keep up with this and that I can meet friends who will assist me on my journey. I hope to begin to discover with new eyes and become the woman I know I am inside but no one else can see.
This quote is very appropriate, particularly because there have been 3 references to Proust for me in the past 24 hours. The first reference to Proust was while watching "Little Miss Sunshine." Then, the director of the play I am in used this as her daily quote. Finally, during a googling search this evening, I came upon it again. I'm guessing it's a sign, and a good place to start my diary.
One of the things that struck me about the Proust reference in the movie "Little Miss Sunshine" was when Steve Carrell's character said something to the effect of Proust realized that all the years of suffering were what really mattered, and all the years he was happy were a waste. If that is the case, I suppose I can look back on my life so far with more meaning than I ever have before. Hopefully with new eyes, as my diary title suggests.
I'm not here to complain, far from it. I also don't want my first post to be sombre or sad because that is not the type of person I am at all. I just would like to reflect this evening on how what happened tonight is the essence of things as they have happened for so much of my life.
I am living in a roommate situation. One of my roommates is an attractive member of the opposite sex. I have tried getting his attention but he really isn't my type. Yet, I persist. I find myself in social situations with him that are truly uncomfortable because I believe that I can make it okay. I take his silence as something that is wrong with me and not him. I believe it is my current state of obesity that keeps us from having not only a normal friendship but romantic relationship. The kicker is that I'm not even really that attracted to him. I get jealous when other girls flirt with him but I'm not even sure that he's right for me. In fact, I think he's probably a terrible choice.
So, why do I fret? Because I believe that at an average weight, I would be able to hold a friendly conversation with this person while walking down the street, instead of the awkward silence that accompanies many of our outings. I believe he would be interested in who I am, asking questions about me, rather than ignore me unless he needed something. I believe this
microcosm of the macrocosm would assist me in believing that I actually am here for a reason and that I deserve to feel worthy of using the oxygen that politicians haven't found a way to charge us for, yet. But, most of all, for the justification of love, lust, and intoxication of spirit that I know exists somewhere in physical reality but has somehow evaded me. I feel it while I'm singing or when I hear a song. I know it exists but I have yet to actually experience it.
This is my adventure in the weight loss jungle. It's feels like such a singular journey but I know so many people have gone through it and have felt exactly the same as me. And, there are so many kids who are feeling it now. I can relate to them and everyone else who has felt invisible or who has wondered why they were cursed with a body that didn't metabolize fat faster or who has never been able to shop anywhere but bigger stores or who has cried while trying on shoes. Normally, I hide my feelings and fears but I'm at the point where even if someone made fun of my words here on this site, it wouldn't matter. There is no turning back point right now.
My starting weight was 335. I currently weight 305. My goal weight is 200. But, I would really like to drop below 200. I want to reach 200 by age 30. If I can do that, anything lower would seem like heaven. I've been doing really well since I started actively pursuing my goal. I hit road blocks every now and then (particularly when it's my special womanly time of the month) or when I'm sick or injured. If my schedule gets interrupted, it usually makes me angry. I kind of binged today. I had a pint of ice cream, Arby's and assorted cookies. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it but it's so hard to actually let myself eat anything except "healthy" foods without guilt. One of my goals is to be able to eat something without the massive Catholic guilt that accompanies meals and snacks.
So, that's all for today. I hope that I can keep up with this and that I can meet friends who will assist me on my journey. I hope to begin to discover with new eyes and become the woman I know I am inside but no one else can see.