Has anyone else just... "snapped"?

T

treasureBelle

New member
Basically, this past year at university, I made a toxic "friend". She always put me down, made fun of my weight, and took every opportunity to remind me how fat I am (I was also gaining weight throughout the year). :mad: Basically, I was her safety net. I think she feels that as long as I'm in the group, and as long as she makes fun of me, she won't be the fattest, or a target.

Basically, since I got home for summer, I've been losing weight, and in the past week or so, something inside me just... snapped. I'm not prepared to put up with her anymore unless she's actually nice to me. Basically, I'm not having her in my life anymore (luckily we won't be living together this year - we were in the same building before) unless she changes; I'm tired of putting up with all her ****.

We do have mutual friends, and I'd never make them choose sides, but I will explain my reasons to them if I have to. The thing is, this "friend" is likely to twist things round to make herself out to be a victim. (Around easter time, myself, this friend and another friend were flat-hunting together. Then the toxic friend decided she wanted to live alone. We said fine, and the next thing we know, she tells people she feels pushed out and that she didn't think we wanted to live with her. Nothing of the sort - it was her who suddenly decided to leave.)

Another worry of mine is that our mutual friends won't respect my decision (which I'd find really hard, because our mutual friends are amazing people I don't want to lose), and say that they know this friend has her faults, but that I should be supporting her (she has bipolar disorder), and that of course she wouldn't really have meant stuff she said, it would have been a joke. The thing is, I have supported her all this year. I've tried to help her during her episodes, been there for her, told university staff when she needs help... all sorts.
I wouldn't leave her if she really needed my help, but the constant meanness has been wearing me down, chipping at my self esteem all year, and that's just not the sort of friend I need.

Anyone else had "friends" like this who they've had to dump?
 
One of the things Uni taught me is how to be an adult. I never "dropped" any friends, I matured, my friends matured, we grew to appreciate each other, we were actually more into our work and the development of, and this was only 5 years ago. Mild bitching always exists everywhere but what yu have described sounds a little like a school playground and less like University.

Can't you both just agree to disagree? stand up for yourself if she makes comments, if your other friends don't help you out with this to some degree, maybe you need to associate around different people. Its not about "dropping" or cutting off from anyone, its just about socialising and taking time with other people. The way you deal with a poor relationship is to first talk about it with the person and see if you can't resolve things, then if nothing can, you realise its not going to work out, you stay on good terms if you can and just find others to spend your energy on.

Its your friendship babe, only you can decide this, asking others to decide for you isn't what growing up is about.
 
When you're with your mutual friends and her a simple "wow, that was mean" can do wonders. By acting the adult you prove to your mutual friends that you're not the one being melodramatic or abusive.


But good for you, you deserve supportive and loving friends, and if she isn't one I'm glad you have realized that you 100% deserve better.
 
I think that just dropping her would probably make her play the victim and possibly turn people against you. If I was you I would not have a big fall out but just cool it with her and and if possible try to get in with a new circle of friends that don't know her.
 
I went through something very similar with a friend in the last year. Obviously this is just my experience and it might not apply to your situation.

ANyway to cut a long story short, a year back I decided that I felt our relationship was destructive and that she was no good for me and I literally snapped at one point - I ended up yelling at her for everything I was angry about and had never said. I then tried to cut her out of my life altogether. Needless to say she was extremely hurt and I had difficultly fixing the damage this situation caused not just to my relationship with her but also to others around us.

I realised, too late, that she was an important friend to me and I didn't really want to lose what we had. It's now taken literally months for us to regain some kind of functional relationship and I've learnt a lot from the process.

I've realised that although I felt she was 100% bad, I was wrong and that a lot of the responsibilty was mine - I had never tried to talk to her to address the issues and had allowed myself to build up resentment. If I had taken an approach of trying to distance myself a little, to take some time away and talk about things over rationally with her, well, I'm sure things would have been a lot easier for me than they have been.

People, particularly friends, are rarely truly malicious. You have to give them and your friendship a chance. Don't let your anger and emotions rule you! I did and I really regret it.

My advice is to take a long look at what's gone wrong and find a way of repairing your relationship or backing off from the relationship that causes as little drama and hurt as possible.
 
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treasureBelle said:
Basically, this past year at university, I made a toxic "friend". She always put me down, made fun of my weight, and took every opportunity to remind me how fat I am
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...that's where I stopped reading. I don't even need to read the rest to know why you made this post. You're fed up with this "friend" of yours and you want to know if anyone else has been in that situation themselves, right? Of course I am.

First of all, a lot of people have been in that situation before. It's part of life. Is it fun? No. But, it happens. And, there's not a whole lot you can do to keep it from happening.

Secondly, whoever that person is...they're not your friend. And, they never were.

Friends might joke around with one another in a light-hearted "HE HE HE" manner, but friends don't make it a point to hurt friends with malicious, unwarranted insults that are obviously cutting too deeply.

So, whoever that "friend" is...fuck 'em. Get them out of your life and be happy that they're out of your life. You don't need people like that surrounding you - nobody does.
 
Yea, I had a friend once that was on a diet at the same time I was dieting. We both lost a good amt of weight. I can't remember what the exact numbers were....but she was smaller than me so when she lost 30lbs, she looked great...where as I was still big. BUT I WAS losing weight.

Anyways....one time I went for a visit...the last visit I think....and she was going on and on about all the different things I could do to lose weight. Like she was some kind of expert. I kept sayign....well, i AM losing weight...but its gonna take me more time for me. She didn't stop though and continued to hammer me with her advice.

So upon leaving, I mentioned when we lost all of our weight, we should go shopping for new clothes together. She said "no , when we lose weight, i'll give you my old clothes and then I"ll go get new ones!" I was like WTF?? You mean when I get to my goal weight I'll be able to wear your fat clothes???

That was the last time I spoke to her, lol Shallow or not.
 
I have a friend who is never deliberatley "toxic" but she is so thoughtless.
The absolute biggest she has EVER been is a UK 10/12. She's a gymanst so she was heavy at that but it was all muscle.
However she is so convinced that she's fat, and on a certain social networking site recently posted, OMG why did none of my ffriends tell me how much of a heifer I was!?! and linked to some size 10 pics. She was being completely serious.

I didn't bring anything up because she's slightly unstable about her weight, which is why I also forgave what she said.. However, she then rang me up to talk to me because she was upset about something someone had said.
Her bfs sister said at the dinner table "I knew those scales were broken, there is no way My friend weighs 9.5 stone. She rang me up complaining about how inconsiderate it was to claim that she was heavy/big etc etc.
So I snapped, I said like you saying you were a heifer at a size 10? How do you think that made me feel? (At that time was when I was trying to lose weight for being bullied for being fat)
She skirted around it and we've forgotten about it, sometimes you just need to clear the air.
 
My time at University has shown me the different types of people out there, I've met some nasty and immature people, but have also met some fantastic people. This story sounds familiar and seems to happen a lot between girls, hence my female friends prefer living with guys. But it's possible, she not the type.

Have you tried talking to her about it - I know it seems hard to talk to friends about problems you have with them, but sometimes it might be that what will solve the problem, though some people are harder to talk to than other, particularly if they're prone to taking things personally, but there's always a way of doing it.

One of my friends allowed his problem to drive him to the point of snapping, and because of it, they fell out and these two were so close that we joked they were like a gay couple. It could have been avoided if they were able to talk about it, I know one of them is prone to taking things personally, I've always found a way to talk to him, so I know it's avoidable. It's possible your friend thinks she's just being funny.

It it comes to having to no longer being friends, your friends ought to be mature about it - the friends of those in the above example were and nobody took sides. You don't need to ask them to take sides, because if you don't, then they won't, if she does, then they ought to have the moral fiber to stand their ground. If they don't, then screw them, they obviously don't care enough and are probably not worth your time. If they do, then it shows you can trust them.

At least that's my view.
 
Toxic Friend

I had a friend like that ... Key word "HAD". Last year of college I just couldn't take it anymore. I started to "push back". Finally I snapped. Wrote a long letter explaining why I snapped and I did apologize for snapping by the way. I told her that she can call me so we can talk about the standstill in our relationships. Phone call never came. We stopped talking once and for all. It took me 4 month to get over it and I went on with my life. I felt better about myself. I started seeing someone. I got engaged, married, and had a baby. I swear it was like a dark cloud has instantly dissipated. "Friends" like that are not your friends. Leave them and let them be. I wish my ex friend only the best, but I would never want to rekindle our friendship or any kind of acquittance relationship. Not everyone is meant to be your friend, she might be a better friend to someone else but she is definitely not suited for you. (I realize that this post is very very old ;) still wanted to respond)
 
I was very good friends with a girl like this in college. She and I are no longer friends. I simply got busy on purpose in order to not have any time to spend with her. I wasn't mean to her, I never said anything bad about her to anyone, especially not our mutual friends (and I still don't to this day). I just let her go. She did make a big scene out of it and tell our friends how we were having this huge fight, but once everyone else got my side they realized what was going on and I haven't heard a word about it since. Putting up with toxic people is not worth it at all in the long run. There is no reason to be mean, just let her go. You'll be happier for it.
 
I don't think it's just women.

Women who choose to be 'toxic' can be exceedingly good at it. Men don't typically have the patience to relentlessly snip at or undermine their 'friends'.

Not to say that men cannot be jerks, we're just more likely to be direct. We don't do or take hint's as my wife often comments.
 
No one needs "friends" like that. Surround yourself with friends who are supportive and positive not ones that drag you down with them.
 
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