Seminal moment
I like you have also struggled with my weight over the last couple of years reaching 140kg (308 pounds) (37 male 6ft4) at my heaviest. I always told myself that I was a big guy and could carry it off and that I used to thin and fit and could be that again. Well, my delusion was entirely my own, my wife loves me big (or smaller) so there was no pressure to lose the weight and we love our food so life pretty much would have carried on but for a few things.
A trip to my doc for a checkup and the warning that it was not if i got sick but when - pre diabetic, becoming insulin resistant etc etc. the fact that i was getting too big for my bespoke suits
- but most of all, On new years day, after a very mellow early breakfast at our favourite deli and on the journey home, I was the 1st to arrive on the scene of a 65 year old very fit cyclist having a heart attack - to cut a long story short, I basically performed CPR on him for nearly 30 mins while we waited for the paramedics to arrive. He was wearing a hear rate monitor (training) and when I stopped compressions so did his heart, after all of that time they declared him dead at the scene. by his point his family had arrived, we said our goodbyes and slipped away. Anyone who has ever had to perform CPR knows its not easy, it very intimate and watching someone die is very difficult. it rattled me heavily and i wasnt very present for the next couple of days as I contemplated the experience.
You see i think that the inability to stick to something like a diet - fitness regime - homework or whatever it is is symptomatic of 2 basic things in my opinion, we are lazy and our internal voice (the one we listen to) panders to our fears, feeds our insecurities and justifies our failures (ever hear yourself say: "you see i knew i couldn't do it"). And lazy is just that, it easier to cheat so we do, you have to work HARD to stay focussed and disciplined
The seminal moment for me was realizing that my internal voice didn't serve me and it needed to otherwise i too was going to end up dead of a heart attack, so I started talking differently to myself. I reconciled what my internal voice and my external voice were saying and brought them into integrity with one another (not too hard just requires being present and some work)
Cohen's was a gift because of how quickly it has worked for me, I started in April and today i am 104kg (36kg's down) and a couple of days away from my refeed at 100kg - I have cheated but i haven't lied to myself that it was ok, the fact that i deviated wasn't ok, and I needed to accept that even if I still cheated. being honest with myself , making sure that my internal and external voice were reconciled and the fact that I didn't really like seeing myself as lazy, were the keys for me to change - hard and brutal truths, some of them not too nice, but harbingers of change to be sure.
hope this heps
