Finales Funkeln **The Final Sparkle**

[Luxx2]

Introduction


I've struggled with my weight for nearly 10 years now. I haven't been comfortable with myself for some time. I can remember feeling fat at 13 when I weighed ~140 pounds. I was definitely on the higher end of the BMI scale but I felt I was a whale.


I was picked on a lot so I changed schools when I was 15. My weight increased from 140 to 160 by the time I was 19. I managed to drop all that weight to hit an all-time low: 130. But this only lasted a few months before I had put a noticeable amount of weight back on. This was a result of two things - one, my boyfriend telling me I should relax and, two, constant fights between the two of us.


By September of 2011, I weighed 181 pounds, my highest ever. Since then, I've been working on losing weight and I'm sitting somewhere around 150. I keep bouncing between 146 and 151, mostly because I can't seem to keep myself under control. It all started with the Fourth of July the resulted in about a week-long binge. So this is my attempt at getting back on track, by keeping a diary and keeping healthy eating on my mind at all times. I'm so close, I've come so far, I'd hate to mess it all up now.

 

[Luxx2]

Now to my current status...


I had begun to eat healthy again when my company decided to throw a party. This was yesterday and I helped arrange a vast majority of it. Unfortunately, I also ate way too much food, all of it junk food... I overindulged with the leftovers today as well so I'm feeling incredibly stuffed and painfully unattractive right now.


I've also been having problems with a rude co-worker. A few weeks back, he messaged me on GMAIL to say, "Stop munching fatso". Since then, the jabs haven't stopped coming, not even for a little bit. My weight and what I'm eating is constantly his go-to and I have no idea why. I wonder if it's cultural - he's from India and I'm getting the feeling that maybe women aren't really treated very well there.


Some days I ignore it, some days it makes me cry, others it makes me mad. Today I'm so frustrated that I feel like leaving early and I'll probably end up doing just that and making the hours up later. I'm not running, I just need a mental health break. He commented on how many calories were in the food and then when I was snacking on leftovers this morning he said, "Are you still eating?" Earlier this week he commented, "You are looking thin in black" and weeks before that he said, "You look thin, it must be the black you are wearing". Notice how neither comment is just a compliment - it's always subtly weight-related but not so subtle that other co-workers don't pick up on it and laugh.


Another co-worker of mine picks on what I'm eating even if, and almost especially if, it is healthy. I'm pushed to spend loads of money eating out with them every day but this is the shit I get. I listen to nosy, nagging, abusive comments and end up spending a small fortune in the process. Not only that but it ruins my day and wastes my time. Consequently, I've only gone out with them twice in ~7 weeks.


Some days I'm so anxious I hide my food so no one will pick on me, refusing to eat until everyone has left the office. Something as simple and necessary as eating has almost become a dirty habit, even if all I'm eating is a salad or veggies.