Fiera Fights Back

Sat.

Broken sleep night...which I finally understood when I remembered drinking coffee late in the afternoon to try to wake up a bit. Finally got up at 8, not as refreshed as I would like, but OK.

Got off on a bit of a wrong foot. Sat down with matcha. Flipped tv on and saw the end of something interesting on PBS (a legacy house clean out) but then got annoyed by the cultural programming which immediately followed. Nothing on, flipped it off. Then I scrolled social. I got annoyed by yet another travel post by my old high school trumpet buddy, from a "permayurt" with coffee pods (yuk) and microwave celebrating an anniversary with his new bf. I recoiled in annoyance and then felt my own shame. Shame about my negativity. Shame about not living my best life. Being reminded of the live I thought I would be living and all I can do it sit on the couch in sickness and fear and anxiety. It is a lot harder financially to do this on my own in some respects. But it also is easier financially than trying to take care of 2 people. If I don't get out and do the things I should be doing though what is the point? I have to take care of my health first and then better times will follow. Patience was never my strong suit. Not patience with myself nor patience with the Universe either.

Anyway, I am glad I came here to hit the reset button. I don't want to carry that negativity aroundwith me. I want to find that freedoms of spirit I had on Weds, as I was out and about with no particular place to be. 🙂

Two ball games today. The weather is sunny but still pretty cool. It will provide a soundtrack to whatever I decide to do today. Maybe a bit of cleanup work to get rid of the mildew smell out back.
 
Sat Afternoon

Cooked spinach, mushrooms. Dishes, Laundry (couch pillows blankets, folded previous stuff). Ran to bank. Ballgame on.

Balanced bank acct for March. Got financial software synced up again, hopefully fixed now. Decided it was time to take action and emailed old financial firm to set up time to chat.

Now trying to make sense of spending history and am not getting it. Anxiety ticked way up. How could I spend that much more in 2023, was I that clueless? I know that I was counting on deducting charitable and medical expenses and that did not happen. I can no longer afford to make unfunded expenses for all the food snacks medical supplies etc for the transports. There are so many transactions which just come thru on cc as "A" and then if I don't categorize them, which is a chore, then I don't have clear sight lines for budgeting.

I think my anxiety kicked in from thinking everything is Ok because I haven't been taking trips or buying clothes etc...then seeing in black and white that it's not. I have to retrench. Thousands are leaking through the cracks. Or - I *think* to myself that I am not taking trips but I really am, to see Dad, and I don't make him pay for the hotels and I don't get picky about who pays for the restaurants and groceries. I guess I really need to sit down and analyze - else it is garbage in, garbage out.

I usually park at the bank and go in to the lobby. It is more interpersonal and old school. Amusingly though today there were no open parking spots. I drove down the block and the the reason became clear. There was a huge line of people waiting to get in to the dispensary, 4 20 today. I ended up going thru the bank drive thru instead.

But this story reminded me of the tincture sitting here unused, and maybe I will see what that can do for my anxiety.

That and a good nights' sleep tonight!
 
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Sun

Slept a lot, passed out around 9 maybe. Woke up a bit after 6, ruminating on house (basement floor crack)/neighbor flooding.

Quick scan of social and two deaths announced. Robin B from college lost her only brother. Made me think of how it might feel to no longer have my brother. We don't talk often, but we do the word game daily and make other quips...shared recipe for example or a remark about basball. I should call him...but be careful not to update on dad until he asks, in spite of how much dad's medical doings impact me,

Was thinking about how tired I have been. 3 weeks since I first came down sick. Today the sun is out. I think I might try to get an early walk before the tired stick hits me.

So I want to talk to my brother and I want to take a walk in the sun! Sounds like my head is starting to come out of the ooze a bit. 🙂

I turned down a request for a 3-day foster in 2 weekends as I will be taking care of dad while Peaches is at another bowling tourney. Her doc said she likely had a tia and there are more tests lined up. Meantime she is bowling better, apparently she had forgotten that she has 5 steps in her approach.

I have not been talking on the phone much, not to my dad or to Proggy since I have been sick. Honestly, I just didn't have the energy and nobody seems to have colllapsed. So a learning there is maybe to just keep leaning into the gap until it becomes obvious I need to step it up. It's nice to feel like my time is my own again...even though I have been sick and unable to do much.

Sun is just streaming full on through the back window now. A things are so different without all my trees. No more dappled sunlight. No squirrels. Sometimes I have to close the curtains which I do selectively. The sun just now elevated above the top of the frame so I am getting beams and heat without being blinded, No doubt as the season progresses the morning pattern will evolve. After I get the back table power washed I can sit out there for a bit with my cuppa. Though I will miss Ndog, he was always good company for it.

Today"s joy list:
Walk sun!
Call brother!
Make a budget!
 
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Sun Eve

Was at lakefront by 9. Walked about 1.5 miles, sat on a bench for a while, and returned 1.5M to the car. No public bathrooms about and too many people, so while heading back home I started thinking of coffee or breakfast places. Then I saw some people dressed in baseball gear and a new idea took root. I ended up getting a cheap ticket, hanging out by the park, getting food and drink and catching part of the game. I left before I got too tired to walk back to the car. Walked closed to 5 miles altogether. Free parking, and I brought a water bottle. Still the food and drink I consumed were a gratuitous unplanned expense.

Got home around 4 and that's kind of the end of the day. I did text brother. Caddie tomorrow. Guess I will work on budget then.
 
Mon

Caddie Day. His Mom ran into bad traffic so I had time for shower/shampoo before they arrived at 9. I planned to work on the budgeting but between an initial walk with Caddie, then taking him to the lakefront for a picnic lunch/walk AND meeting up after with Laurie M and her two pups (since she got back to me after we had left for the lake) it was a very nice, retired sort of day.

My Old financial planner got back to me and we have a call scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. The guy he is bringing on the call is a 2023 graduate which does not make me feel great. But I will see how they decide to handle my situation. It is really the tax and cash flow piece I am focused on. For that, I do need to get my spending info cleared up.

Caddie is napping soundly. I too am relatively conked from out activities, About 2.5 miles technically casually walking, but there was also an hour plus of driving involved and the hangout at the lake. 4+ hours.

I can't open the rear windows because of that mildew smell which I think I have a handle on what is causing it. Unfortunately it is a manual labor project so waiting til I have good weather and good energy on a non-Caddie day. The financial stuff has to come first.

The roofer is continuing to not come. He was annoyed when I follow up with him Weds. Must be so nice to be in such high demand that you can treat customers like that. All the tradespeople are in such demand now, it is really something.

I would like to get unstuck regarding housing. It was really nice out by Laurie M today. It is a bit further out, but quiet, well maintained, and there are a pod of dog rescue people out there. There is a pod of dog rescue people by Pixy as well.

Oh, since I at like an A-hole yesterday so far all I have had today is an egg white wrap from Sbucks. Bloating is improving and muscles are loosening up. Probably having deli turkey for dinner before it goes bad. I appreciate it when I stay busy and spend less time and money on food!
 
The return of mild weather conditions, recovering energy, dog walks, getting out of the house, getting away from grazing in the kitchen, making better food choices etc etc all feels like an upswing. Having improved energy and clarity is really heart-lightening.

I categorized all my Azn purchases in 2024. Once I got a system going it went steadily along. I used the laptop to edit the entries in the financial software, and the tablet to look the transactions up on Azn. Unfortunately looking back on history it's not clear which ones previously were classified by me and which were auto populated so I have to revisit them all. From now on I flip the Payee to Azn Assigned and then I know for sure I have done it properly. Also. my brokerage did some kind of dividend reivestment on a private fund and didn't provide a category for that...I am tired now, so maybe it will come to me when I look at it tomorrow,

As with any uncluttering, whether it be physical, mental, emotional -in this case record keeping - it feels good to bring better order to the chaos so that I can actually USE the data to inform decision making. :)

Going to bed IN the bed...gnight.
 
Tues

Slept IN the bed.

Weight 187.7. It was almost 190 the other day after eating all the puff in 2 days and comsuming so much at the ballpark. Didn't each so much yesterday, but did treat myself to a small hf sundae. 330 calls, under $4. I walked away from the 700 calorie $7 shake nearer the house. Went for a little drive before putting the car away for the night.

No Caddie today. I'm glad. I hadn't wanted him overnigiht but had agreed to do a 2nd day while his mom went to appointments. But it was a long way to drive and I encouraged her to do something easier - and she did find a closer option.

Will just walk near the house today. Tree pollens are way up. Rain and wind are on the way it seems; cloudy out. My idea is to get the walk in earlier than normal, then shower off the pollen and sit down to work on budgeting and prep for my meeting today.

My feet esp my left foot is hurting from the walking, Possibly the newish inserts. Or calluses. Will work on calluses more. Maybe they are unevenly thick.
 
Whaaaa stop feeling scared Fiera. Good grief.

I keep (real or imagined) smelling odor in my den. Like funk. Whiff here and there.
The recent virus managed to kill off what little remained of my broken C19 virus smelling ability....I did smell a lilac yesterday on our walk. At times certain things just cut through, like the back porch mildew. So I don't know/can't tell what is the source of the smell or if it is even real. I am going to wash the couch blanket again. I wiped the couch down with a leather cleaner. I'll be hitting the shower soon. It could even be the coffee I brewed perhaps. Frustrating and potentially embarrassing. Sigh. Need to get over it and go out for my walk before I totally derail this day.
 
Whelp. I went to the FP but it was windy, overcast, and creepy with hardly any one (only a couple of individual men about.) I wasn't feeling it. I stayed there for a bit. Called Dad (not avaiable). Rejected the idea of spending money going out for a bite or coffee. Headed back home.

Was not entirely a waste. Cleared head a bit.

Tense is at least in part due to coffee which I have not been drinking much. Got back to work on assigning the transactions. Dad called back. He sounds terrible. Peaches called me after and confirmed he has put more weight on. They really should not be doing this procedure but Peaches says she won't mention calling the doc anymore or even talk to him much because he blows up about everything. I doubt this situation is going to last.

I am not sure, but I finally realized that the wispy eau de funk might be coming from the full trash can or the compost container. Took out the trash and dropped off the compost container (moldy avocado pit yum,). Running the dishwasher. Hoping that is it because it was really affecting my mood.

At one point I was just repeating to myself "everything is temporary" as a sort of mantra. I took 1/2 xanax to quell the anxiety a bit, I really don't know about Proggy coming today, it is such a crappy day and I am not doing well. Not sure what to where we won't spend much money. That may end up being the goal...make cheap eats and go for a drive or something.

After paying $6 the other day for an egg white wrap, I started wondering if the price inflation is particular to my metro area because of minimum wage impacts. I will have to test this by driving out closer to where I used to work and see.
 
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Weds

What a delight to wake up this morning thinking I needed to jump up and get ready for cleaning lady...only to realize she is not coming til tomorrow. I do still need to get ready for her tonight because I get up and go to hospital tomorrow morning for Dad's surgery. Which in reality should be ppd but what can I do.

Guru doc did not respond back regarding message I sent last night. Caddie's mom learned had a potential m exposure during a doc office visit a couple of weeks ago. She is not showing any symptoms. Since she and I only met briefly in passing outdoors to hand off the dog and are both vaccinated (I even have had titres checked a couple of years ago). I am not at all concerned I could be carrying it but having a medical professional back me up would be the right thing to do out of an abunuance of caution. So now I am trying to call the rheum office before my appt at 11.

Need to get out a recruiting email today or tomorrow. Proggy may or may not come tonight. Honestly we both were not feeling it last night and I am not feeling it today. The overcast plus to-do's is a real mood killer.

Can continue categorizing transactions at hospital tomorrow. I think I can manage to keep the financial software from prying eyes and that computer will not be out on the internet. I don't even want to bring it away from home but it is a good opportunity to get work done hate to pass up.
 
Sheesh. Could not get a hold of rheum. Ended up walking into corner of lobby by front door with N95 on. Doc overheard my question and said I was fine to proceed without concerns. Which is what I expected but as they said - it was very considerate and they were appreciative of me asking and masking.

Am trying to get out an email regarding the transport but my email seems hung up trying to synchronize folders. I will give it until 3 at the latest and then try rebooting (again).

Brekkie was 2ew, spinach, 1/2 tortilla
Lunch was ground turkey with bbq sauce, romaine with S-italian place dressing
Of course that is not really enough. I am really struggling with what to eat. It's a combination of just not wanting to cook, trying to use what is already in the house to be frugal, trying not to eat junk....then binging on stuff I shpoulenc only eat sparingly if at all. Last night it was chihuahua cheese tortilla with hot dog. I mostly avoid cheese and when I broke down I just blobbed it on there.

My eyes just closed. My sleep was broken last night but still in total was suffient. Maybe the late eating or the anxiety yesterday. I'm also not back up to full power quite yet.

The rheum was pretty stready state as I am with this latest collapse. I know all the causes..emotional stress about dad's ability to survive the trip, lack of sleep, crappy diet, and the virus. We talked a bit about the overall inflammation in my body and my "stiff" hips which sometimes cause a waddle. And the gut stuff. So, consulting a dietician is next and also getting a baseline x-ray on hips and pelvis. Doing top line inflammatory markers but TBH since I am doing much better, at least in the mornings, I don't think they will find much.

My gut still hurts on the right side where Guru doc suspects a muscle pull. I amd tending to agree. It gets better, then gets worse if I sneeze etc.

Not doing anything interim prior to planned colo next Feb unless something changes.
 
CB was really helpful just now.

After talking with Dad and Peaches I needed to make a decision whether to flag emergent concerns prior to my Dad's surgery tomorrow. She was able to help me see that they both want it, I accept and support it, there are no other good options, his docs have cleared him. She doesn't think the extra fluid will change the equation that much. Let the docs screen him in the morning, let it unfold naturally. My role is to respect his wishes. He will end up in the hospital one way or another pretty soon anyway, this is probably as good a way as any to move forward.
 
Dinner was a lean cuisine Shrimp Alfredo (280). Not enough; added a thin bread (80) with a bit of peanut butter (45). Still doesn't feel enough.
 
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