Fadedstar's dairy (Food and exercise)

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fadedstar

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I made one not so long ago, it was just going downhills for me. My lowest was 172 and now I find myself at 178-180 pounds. I deleted the old one because I was sad about all the overate logs I wrote. I think I discover that I have a binge eating disorder and it would not stop. I think about food 24/7, not even kidding.

A little background about myself, I was overweight all my life, highest at 240-245 pounds. In one year of experiencing and learning how to get myself into shape, I shed off 60-70 pounds but I just eventually gain like 8 pounds back and this is why I am making another attempt. Heres a picture of my 245 pounds before I started this whole thing:

That being said; as I write this, I am craving for junk food. It was an hour ago when I just ate my whole "1 cup" oatmeal and I am craving for more food.

And i think a goal is important, that being said.
MY GOAL IS TO BE 160 POUNDS, LEAN AS HELL!
OVERCOME MY BINGE EATING DISORDER.
WEAR A TANK TOP IN THE SUMMER CONFIDENTLY.
LOSE THE FAT ON THE GUTTT!
SELF CONTROL.
ILL BE HAPPY.

last night I thought i was a success but at night I ate a bowl of oats and I wanted to get fast food on top of that, but I said no. Oats was just it last night even though I was over my calorie maintanence level. I am trying to self control myself is my first priority.

My calorie level I prefer is 2000. I workout alot, every day or 4-5 a week. Mostly lifting weights lately and not cardio as much. I need to do more cardio.

---
Well today I woke up around 11 to do my friend a favor, after that, I ate a cup of oatmeal and a small apple. (370)
Now i am in the urge to eat something even though it been only an hour.

I was able to held it in for another hour and thirty minutes because there was no food at home, I checked probably 20 times.. Then i thought its time to go get something to eat, while thinking of mcdonalds, I went to subways.. made good choices, roasted chicken on wheat and mustard/no cheese and loads of veggie. I am guessing its 700 calories. (700)

3-4 hours later, I got hungry. I munched on a few chicken and shrimp probably no more than 300 calories. Then i ate a bowl of pho which was good size, i put lots of veggies. I would say about 800 calories. So total of this meal would consist of 1100 calories.

Munched on some dried shrimp after workout. (50)

Total: 2220
This is perfect. Love this. I will try my best to resist anymore incoming food.


After my work out.. man I really want another meal.. trying my best......
edit: i really wanted to eat, i was thinking oats first but i was like no, no food at all.. then i tried my best to fight it, instead of oats, i had another bowl of pho.. freaking ay. i coulda save myself about 800 calories if i chosen oats. stupid me, next time when im hungry, ill choose oats..

total: 3200 :(
tomorrow im going to do major jump roping/cardio to make it up. hope to burn about 400-500 just to make it up.


Tomorrow i have a birthday dinner at a restaurant. I dont know what to do. Probably im going to eat oats for morning, lunch and semi-dinner [1/2c] each to put me at 500 calories total before arriving at the dinner. puts me at 1500 to eat. and trust me its chinese food, i am going to eat crazy....

My workout was great worked up a great sweat.
I started with a few of jump roping then some ball tossing with my friends and a shoulder workout. Not bad not bad, coulda been better..
 
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so far, today, i woke up at 12. and i planned to eat oats all day until the birthday dinner but that didnt happen
i went out to the kitchen and saw steamed buns on the boxes, so i ate one, then another one. yikesss! im not sure about calories..
well i hope this will satisfy me for a while, if im hungry ill get oats before the dinner.

update:
went to the gym 4 hours later, with nothing in my stomach, i felt like crap very hungry while at the gym. then i spotted a good friend of mine, we worked out and i was feeling fine by then. left the gym early cause i had to pick up my freaking drunken father like always. always piss me off and always talking about stupid shit, but when hes sober hes all quiet and lonely. what the hell.

well i was able to held in my stomach until dinner party came by. i was the first to eat and last to eat. i ate alot. seriously, i ate. i know how to eat crazy trust me. but im sadden that i have no control over my appetite. i rushed to get the food in the table and finish my plate so i can get another one. ate dessert fine although i wanted more but who eats more than 1 slice of cake? lol not in my family. we get served one slice and thats it and we box the rest..

that being said, i think i will go strict once thanksgiving is over. and i WILL indulge myself in thanksgiving.. but lately it seems like everyday in this entire month is thanksgiving, = food coma.
 
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Try not to do too much at once. I know that sound easy, if you are anything like me you'll want to change everything all at once and beat yourself up when you fail. Try to take little steps to achieve your goal.
I know when I was really trying to cut calories I still ate lots of low calorie foods, like veggies and fruit. So maybe you could try that so your not so hungry and it will help you not binge. If you get too hungry for too long you will binge or at least that's what I did.
Great job on your motivation to exercise. Sounds like you have what it takes to make your goals happen. Keep up the good work!
 
gymfreak said:
Try not to do too much at once. I know that sound easy, if you are anything like me you'll want to change everything all at once and beat yourself up when you fail. Try to take little steps to achieve your goal.
I know when I was really trying to cut calories I still ate lots of low calorie foods, like veggies and fruit. So maybe you could try that so your not so hungry and it will help you not binge. If you get too hungry for too long you will binge or at least that's what I did.
Great job on your motivation to exercise. Sounds like you have what it takes to make your goals happen. Keep up the good work!
Click to expand...

i 100% agree with you but over the year, i lost about 70 pounds and i had very strict dieting. to be honest, i had no idea how the hell i did it.. but one thing for sure i always make comments about fast food, candies, junk and soda like they were my enemy. funny thing that all this binge happen this month were i said its ok first time. now its not ok, im eating it like its no tomorrow.

i wish my fridge was packed with good ol veggie ready to eat. but no its mostly filled up with fattening food. there would be fruits here and there but i will just finish them up in day one. like previously there was 3 stalk of banana and it was gone by the end of the night O.O...

but thanks for the slowing processing.. i will change what i possibly can without making it too hard, all or nothing. i notice if i slip once, its slipped for the whole day and make it even worse.
 
woke up at 11, and now...

meal #1: i started out with my morning with a cup of oats and a packet of splenda [300]
meal #2: wasnt even hungry when i ate.. roar.. anways i ate a combination of lots of veggies, some duck meat, 2 pork chops, fish with tomato sauce with rice. and this was the leftover from the restaurant so i doubt its any good for my health. i would say all this would be 1550 considering most of them were drenched in oil/fried..
meal #3: if any reason if i am hungry tonight, ill eat 1/2 oats ONLY! NO MORE!!!!!
edit: i ate my oatmeal as i said if i was hungry and i was.....
my house smells like porkchop and i wanted some and there was leftover at the kitchen table next to my cooking oatmeal.. and i know one leads to anotehr one so i chosen no as my answer. it was hard but worth it because i accomplish something in a while..

calories left today: 0 PERFECT!

hm, my friend is inviting me to her pre-thanksgiving dinner tomrrow along with her family and i think its awkward cause i see her mom at the gym. she doesnt know me and i kinda dont want to go because i will indulge/awkward of her mom.. hmm but i dont wanna reject her invitation.. cause she only invited close friends

ok im going i dont want to be rude.

gym: good warm up with cross trainer and some jump ropin
did my legs and back today
legs: angle squats, regular squats, deadlifts
back: mostly middle back, wanted to do upper back with pull downs but my friend got lazy

while at the gym, my friend told me how he ate 20 mcdoubles last night cause he was 'bored' sounds like me. i eat when im bored but i am happily smile and look past me because i am going to be a changed man. i do not eat 20 mcdoubles anymore, and i am presently strugglign to fight my boredom eating and i am confident i will be changing it. it will take time but i can assure you that it will be done. my words. are. real.
MIND over MATTER.
 
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Do you still have P90X lying around with you? I recall you floating the idea around weeks ago in one of your threads. I started November 2nd and am enjoying every day of it. I'm confident 90 days of it would get you pretty close to your goal of 160 and pretty lean. I highly recommend it! :)
 
aravind82 said:
Do you still have P90X lying around with you? I recall you floating the idea around weeks ago in one of your threads. I started November 2nd and am enjoying every day of it. I'm confident 90 days of it would get you pretty close to your goal of 160 and pretty lean. I highly recommend it! :)
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why yes i do!! how are you holding up on it?
im at the between of the line right now. i really want to do some p90x but i made some great friends at the gym who calls me every night. they motivate me to let go and be wild at the gym while i train them, they train me.
they got me into doing squats/deadlifts which i always wanted to try but i dont want to be an idiot with the wrong form. while i got them into jump roping and doing nice tricks that burns those extra calorrrrrrrrrriessss
 
talking about bad day, this is one of it..
last night found out got exam this wednesday so i rushed to organize my notes and everything slept at 1 am

woke up at 7 to drive the bro and sis to school, slept 1 hour afterwards
woke up super sleepy didnt feel like eating and needed energy

so meal #1: monster can (300 calories) this got me pumped no kidding but im feeling the crash afterwards, im shaking like crazy

Meal#2: i wasnt even hungry i went home to drop my stuff off to head to library and found myself eating 2 tortilla wraps with peanut butter. one wasnt enough so i ate another one. my god, it was 300 for the tortilla and prob 600 for pb. so [900] im shaking right now physically, i dont know.. i shoulda avoid this meal.. fuckin ay

meal #3: TONIGHT MY FRIENDS THANKSGIVING DINNER
im try to aim for the white meats and avoid any carbs, and mostly veggies, no pies... and just water.
ok im back from my thanksgiving dinner with the friends and it was great. i avoided alot of desserts like those ice cream out of the tube, potatoes, tried to avoid dinner roll but was handed one dinner roll it was small..
i ate alot of veggies, a bit too much stuffing but thats fine, white meat not much, AVOIDED THE PIES AND CHEESECAKE, SUPER HARD But it was good to go with the flow as not much people wanted it. :) i drank a bit too much soda but thats ok. i dont drink soda that much so that doesnt hurt my addiction with soda (if i had any). because there wasnt any water around. avoid chips. just great. :) im so happy. i probably went over 800 calories but im happy i made good choices

calories left: 2000 - 300 = 1700 - 900 = 800 left.. - thanksgiving dinner = unsure but im happy.

i also found out i ballooned back to 180. holy fuck. this month was the most worst month ever, i found my diet went to hill cause of my nasty decisins of fast food and letting myself go. now i feel all fat and shit. and i crave more shit than ever 180 from 172. goddamn.
 
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last night i forgot to mention that i weigh myself on my friends' scale after eating and i was 178, nice! lol. well i ate moderately last night and that made me happy, had A cupcake and reject anymore coming, no dessert wooo. ok maybe a few ice creams but thats it wasnt calorie major.

well this morning had 6 hours of sleep..

i woke up and felt fat, rubbed my skin and play with the fat.. does anyone do this?

meal #1: 1/2 cup of oats and 1 splenda (150)
im really low in energy and probably can knock out anytime, not to mention i got exam today so i got to study and stay up until 10 for my biology lab course. dang.....! probably another monster..?

Meal #2: yes.. monster.. 210 calories with mcd side salad (20+40) = 270 for lunch nice. oh and 3 gums (30) = 300

Meal #3: boiled ribs, unsure, my guess would be 800 calories

meal #4: i munched on some dried shrimp and half of fruit (100)

meal #5: came back from school and was really hungry ate a whole fruit (100), along with an small onion [free], 1 eggwhite/whole egg (110) and a few munching on some fish fillets (250) = 210+250 = 460

and im sure i munched on more things that i forgot like probably almost a whole pack of gum. and other stuff :)

calories left: 2000 - 150 = 1850 - 300 = 1550 -800 = 750 - 100 = 650 - 460 = 190 -190 = 0 !PERFECT!
or not, i ate more because i got hungry. ate 1 piece of fruit more and was not satfisy so i took a SMALL bowl of cereal. and that was it. no more. binging. thoughts. :) just enough to satisfy. thats ok if i overate, i didnt binge im happy. plus i think i needed this more because i probably miscalculated my calories.
 
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food coma yes it was.
thats fine, thanksgiving..


black friday was great got myself a vibram 5 finger shoes
hmm more sweatpants and i got hungry from shopping
i came home to a thanksgiving BREAKFAST :X and u know what happenw hen its thanksgiving for me. lol

end of the day, two words, eating disorder. i still got it...
tomorrows the day that i will change.

and i drank a lot of soda today.. iono why. damn. they're not really that great either but more accessible than water, less of a hustle to get something to drink when you need it quickkk
 
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so.. on thanksgiving and the day after thanksgiving, i went crazy. crazy on eating. big deal. 2 days i stuffed myself into food coma. big deal. gained all those weight i lost. big deal. drank massive soda. finish an entire leftover turkey and big ass bucket of mac n cheese. finished a bag of chip ahoy. and mostly finish everything.

but that ends today. im back on tracking my calories now. and i am thankful that i have not given up on this yet. my spirits are still high although i am presently struggling with my eating disorder, im confident. confident that i can achieve my goal weights, confident that i am do things that i couldnt, confident that i can keep my spirits high.

my calories left to eat: 2000

meal#1:

meal #2:

meal #3:

meal #4: this most likely to be 1/2 oats after my workout


edittttt
wow i did so good all day until night time i ate too much
actually it started by cookies that i didnt want to buy at walmart because i wanted to save my calories
but my bro bought the cookies and yes i was tempted and i ate almost half of it
then i ate cereal :S damn now i dont feel like going to the gym goddammit

oh yeah i returned my vibram shoes, they arent that amazing as i thought..
 
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ahhhh, bump! i havent been on this for a while and i gotta say im not improving either. ive been making a few attempts but 2 days is the most i can last til i indulge myself, just last night i had too much to remember.. i am going to try something that i did previously, that is 1 hour of jump roping cardio and hits the weights every single day and thats what im going to do right now

meal #1: oats with pb (350)

meal #2: 2 egwhites with rice (50+250)=300

went to the gym to do 1 hour of a variety of cardio :) GOOD SHIT!!

meal #3: 2 egg whites with rice and 2 med onions (50+300+100)=450

went to the gym again, did some cardio and steam room

meal #4: i frekaing saw some leftover chip on the table and i ate it >:O damn me. thats prob..100 calories, and 2 piece of pork (150)=250 just "testing" the frekaing food damn tahts high. ok so im eating a cup of oats with 3 spoon of pb thats (300+300)=600+250=850



TOTAL: 1800 - 350 = 1450 - 300 = 1150 -450 = 700 -850 = -150 :( actually, i wasnt able to finish 1/3 of this so its good.
saddenly i went over, but happily i went to the gym twice and done cardio for both so i will forgive myself.
cause i was supposed to weights on my 2nd return but my fgriends were doing some fun cardio so i joined, only today i will forgive myself. next time im going to watch out and not eat those stupid baits at the table
my fking boardshorts are too tight on me because i got fatter because i let myself go. lack of movitation and self control this whole month but its about to change. i failed, but im standing up again..
 
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its friday!!

i was short on time this morning so i made some eggs

meal #1: 3 eggwhites with half a tomato (150)

meal #2: rice with chinese pork meat=500
i was really hungry and waited enough before i got another one +500 = 1000 for lunch alone

meal #3: oats with pb (150+200) = 350

and my last meal, if i am still hungry will be a cup of oats plain with splenda
or not, i just ate 2 small tangerine (150)

my last last meal will be plain 1/2 oats then
edit- didnt eat the oats i got super tired after gym
however i think i munched enough on some spam and my moms dish that i didnt keep track of that could use up the rest of the 150 calories

TOTAL: 1800 - 150 = 1650 - 1000 = 650 -350 = 300 - 150 = 150 - 150 = 0

my workout was 4 hours at the gym doing misc stuff with my friends
lol it was fun :D
 
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saturday, oh i love you! =)

i started out with my morning with..
meal#1: 1/2 oats and the rest of the pb jar which was about 2 full spoons (150+300) = 450

meal #2: chinese red pork meat (700)

stupid behaviors: i munched on some dried shirmp which was fine.. prob 100 calories total
my sisters new cheetos popcorn puffs? i ate prob 80 calories of it..
and i saw the cinnamon buns in the fridge for 2 days that no one ate so i ate both of them.. prob 500 total
and the last mcchiekn no one wanted to eat.. 360
total of: 1040 of munching, wow.



total: 1800 - 450 = 1350 -700 = 650 -1040 = -400 calories. BLAHHHHHHHHH!!!
right now i am in the edge of a mental struggle. to eat more because i messed up or to forget it and move on, although its lending towards the "i messed up already so might as well kill the rest of the night".. ahhh..


edit-
well now its the end of the day
theres good and bad..
the good was that i was able to fight my mental struggle about binging more, i was able to held it and go to the gym and work myself out for 2 hours. i was able to burn off the mcchiekn calories and half of the cinnamon bun calories.

the bad thing was that i was super hungry when i came home so i ate alot... prob about a large meal size about the same when i used to be overweight, it was a BIG BOWL of rice. well now im full, and good thing i cant binge on this because im full. im glad im not binging.. well i rather have this than binging because i would getting 10 bucks worth at mcdonalds if i were.
 
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man, last night was tough, i wanted some mcdonalds after my gigantic meal. i was craving for something sweet and something delicious to kill the rest of the night. i fought it. and i went to bed instead because i was trying to finish up my paper for college.

as i woke up this morning, i ate my 1/2 oats (150) and right now im trying to finish up my paper, but all i could think of is mcdonalds :(
damn..!


uh.. i just went to mcdonalds. I KNOW I KNOW!!
ate 1 ice cream cone [150]
2 mcdoubles [800]
2 apple pies [500]
=1450
sad thing is that im not even full, i want more..


erm, my mom bought home some sweet bread and i ate them
2 of them. and they were pretty huge.. i dont want to count calories because its going to make me sad but.. i think they were about 400 calories each so 800?

and then antoher one and half of lee's sandwiches..
now im pretty depressed and thinking about stuffing my face
calories: 1800 - 150 = 1650 -1450 = 200 - 800= -600

then another one.. with an additional of jack in th ebox's jack bonus combo which is over 1k calories. sigh

i skip working out so i can go to the drive throughs. :( so depressed.
 
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sometimes i cant believe myself, seriously
like how last night i lost control of myself finding it very hard to lose weight, but yet sometimes i find it easy to do so.. why?


well i hope today will be easy, and i really need to get back into going to the gym frequently.

meal #1: bowl of rice with 1 1/2 whole egg/pork meat/chinese noodle with lettuce
....
zzzz falling off the wagonn
 
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