Eradicating the fear

Crazybecka88

Crazybecka88

New member
This is my first thread and perhaps my first step in what I have come to recognize as a need for 'eradicating the fear.' I'm extremely nervous so please excuse my rather garrulous and elaborate nature as I write this assumingly quite long introduction. I have been battling an eating disorder for eight years and finally began seeking treatment for it in November. The mere fact that I can recognize my 'eating issue' as a disorder is a significant step in itself. I have been seeing a hypnotist who specializes in hypnosis and weight loss and although I have learned a great deal through this therapy, my relationship with this man has been detrimental to my emotional health as of late. He has pushed too hard and is way of coaching me through this process has impeded on my progress. So, I am taking matters into my own hands, finally.

I'm not obese and most people who know me are constantly disparging for me even wanting to lose weight. They can't seem to comprehend why I have 'this disorder', as I have concealed it throughout its entire reign. I'm a binge eater. Or was, rather. I am doing everything in my empowerment to overcome this obstacle in my life but food has a power over me that I have never known before. I am consumed by food; by calories; by Weight Watcher points; by my carb:protein ratio. I spend so much time every day surfing the internet looking for a miracle when i should be instilling this effort into my work. I am consumed by my disorder and consumed by food. The worst part of it all is that I have no one I can openly talk to about it. I have a few people who attest to understanding, but for reasons unknown, I have stopped discussing the subject with them.

So here I am, writing publicly about something I have kept a secret for almost a decade now, hoping that this is the outlet that will serve as the extra impetus I am in need of to kick this "habit" and lose this las 13 pounds that is haunting me. I have never wanted to be thin. That has never and will never be a goal of mine. I just want to feel comfortable. I want to feel at peace with myself and at peace with my body. I've managed to take off 10 pounds over the past few months but I stopped at my current weight and have been fluctuating by two or three pounds for well over a month now. I exercise regularly and have changed fitness routines to pursue the 'Buff Brides Workout." Oh, I should have mentioned before- I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in October. He is the most supportive, empathetic, adoring, considering man I have ever known. He pushed me to seek therapy in the first place.

I want to start over when I get married. I want to leave all of my qualms and fears and ghosts here in this town, in this country. I want to move to Wales and marry this man and no longer be consumed by food. These goals may perhaps appear as somewhat idealist considering the duration of my struggle but I want to at least have a taste, a beginning of this so-called healing process.

So, this is me. I'm bearing my all. I'm being as honest with whomever is reading this as I am with myself. Retrospectively speaking, this is perhaps the most honest I have been with myself since I was 15 years old.

AS far as my eating issues, I have a thorough comprehension of nutrition and fitness, as my obsession is directly correlated to my disorder. In this manner, i could certainly offer a great deal of advice to 'what works' and 'what doesnt.' To be frank, no "diet" will ever work long-term- trust me. I've done South Beach, WW, La Weight Loss, BOdy for life, You on a Diet, GI,Ediets.. THe list is exhaustive. I've lost weight on most of these but grown tired of the stringent standards and obsessive calorie/food counting. What everyone who wants to lose weight needs to realize is the most effective form of weight loss is developing a well-balanced FOOD plan [note: NOT A DIET] in accordance with your body's caloric needs/BMR and a fitness plan that you find enjoyable, rather than a plan you find boring or a "chore."

With that said, you're probably thinking "well if you have all of this knowledge, why do you feel you have a weight problem"? I can answer this question quite simply- it is easy to preach to a choir how to sing but not always easy to get up and sing the solo yourself. Having been harming my body through the bingeing/purging for so many years, my body is "knackered", to use a famous British colloquialism. Accordingly, it's going to take a great deal of repair before I can begin getting my body to where I want to be.. And I, like most people in my position, need the support to reach this goal. I can tell you honestly that besides seeking therapy, this is one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life- baring my soul to the world. And granted, the anonymity offers considerable consolation, it is still frightening to admit I have a problem to anyone, especially to someone outside of my personal network.

But I have big dreams- huge dreams. I'm 23, have a Masters degree and I'm moving to Wales to start a new life in summer. I know how lucky I am compared to so many people...which is why I am so eager to challenge and conquer my demons. I have had my share of trauma in the past and over the years, I have found that helping others find solace and peace with similar situations have made the healing process escalate to levels I never imagined. I'm hoping that this website, this forum will have a similar effect.

I'm shaking with nerves at the very moment and know that I should get back to the work I'm being paid for. I'm not quite sure what I am expected to do next, other than state my goals:

Current weight: 163
Goal weight: 150-152
Reason for weight loss: To feel at home with my body/ Feel beautiful again

I hope to meet anyone and everyone who is willing to speak with me..
 
welcome to the site and to your diary - great title for your diary... it's true for a lot of people....

Enjoy your time on this site - have fun - read thru threads and learn lots - and hopefully you'll learn lots about yourself too... and you will realize that you are a beautiful person no matter what size you are... :)
 
Thank you for the warm welcome. This is entirely out of my comfort zone so the initial 'acceptance' and support is very much appreciated. My therapist keeps pressuring me to go to OA but I'm not ready to take that step yet... So i'm hoping that interacting on this forum will be the extra kick I seem to be in need of..
 
I had looked at OA - even attended an online meeting or two -and came to the conclusion that it wasn't for me... While I tend to spill my guts online -as far as I'm concerned I'm talking to myself -if people want to read that's up to them - if they don't that's fine too... the concept of sharing with an audience was a little overwhelming for me - a forum method you retain anonyminity but you can still get to know people - and you can say whatever is son your mind -without fear of being judged... that at the delete key as well for when you change your mind.

I hope you do get a lot of good out of this forum - even if it's just entertainment instead of heading to the fridge :)
 
I couldnt have said it better myself. We actually got into a heated argument over this discussion as I was holding my ground, adamant that I would not attend those meetings until I felt prepared to speak about my situation. He proceeded to inform me that I was ashamed of myself and needed to move past this shame in order to heal. But in my humble opinion, as a graduated Psychology student myself, I would attest that no treatment should be recommended where the cons signficantly outweigh the pros. End of story! Sometimes, I can figure out why they give people these licenses!
 
In browsing through all of the other threads I find it quite exciting and encouraging to know so many people are willing to devote their time offering advice and counsel to others. It instills hope in me that perhaps I will find someone with whom understands my struggle more than others have in the past.

I'm sitting at my desk starving at the moment, as my proposed mid morning snack is sitting at home on my kitchen table and my back-up nectarine was, naturally, rotten! Only an hour and a half until lunch I suppose. My tummy is rumbling though. I find that my hunger triples when I am at work, mainly because of boredom. Perhaps I should become more diligent to rectify this problem!

My lovely Welsh fianec flies over to me Thursday- i've been counting down the hours.. I'm just so excited to see him. He always makes my days so much brighter. Okay, back to work to ignore the growling stomach.
 
Hi Becka...first, congrats on your upcoming big life changes....sounds like you're headed for an exciting and rewarding period in your life.

I understand our reluctance with the OA thing...even though I knew that my eating was fast approaching a true disorder (i.e standing in the pharmacy section of the grocery store, holding a half-gallon of ice cream, eyeing the laxatives and trying to decide what was "optimal": laxitives before binge, or binge before laxatives) the idea of participating in a public group like OA was not something I could bring myself to do...

I will say that maybe 2-3 months into my personal struggle to "get a grip" I had a discussion with two co-workers. I had lost a little weight, made some progress on the food control front - they were basically saying they didn't understand why I was overweight because they never really saw me eating a lot. Out of nowhere I heard myself saying, very matter of factly, "I don't eat a lot in front of other people, but when I'm home alone I can eat enormous amounts of food - sometimes I've planned my alone time just so I can eat" They were so shocked they changed the subject and it never resurfaced (that was maybe 14 months ago!) but for some reason just the saying it out loud was wildly liberating...letting go of the "secret" somehow helped me to let go of the behavior.

So, what I guess I'm saying in this long winded "welcome" is I hope this forum can serve the same sort of purpose for you
 
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Your message alone has served as an incredible confirmation of why I needed to begin verbalizing my situation. I literally just choked on my sweet potato when i was reading [apologies for the grotesque visual] your post, as the precise situatoin which you referenced [i.e. the grocery store scenario] was like a flashback being said aloud. I've met plenty of people who have struggled in different degrees with eating disorders, but Never have I met someone who articulated my struggle so head-on. Even I have difficulty owning up to the actual 'binge/purge' process, as I still find it quite shameful and embarrassing, regardless of what anyone tells me.

And you're right, most people just can't comprehend on you're not rail thin, as you eat so little around them. Even my beloved fiance tells me "you need to eat more"; little does he realize that I do...or did, rather- in secret. I've managed it quite well since November having started therapy, and only had minor relapses. It's a very slow process, especially since resorting to the behavior is such a consolation- its something that has been part of me for almost a decade.

Anyhow, this very elaborate response was meant to thank you for being one of the only people I have ever known who could sum up my struggle in such a brief and simplistic analogy!
 
Argh

2:41pm. I have only been on this forum for a matter of hours but am uncertain if I will continue with this pursuit. I was under the impression that the point of this forum was to offer support, encouragement and practical advice to one another; well, I thought I did this earlier today and was yelled at in response. Perhaps this isnt the right method for healing afterall.
 
who yelled at you?

this is a forum of support and encouragement - in some cases - support is also pointing out where a person might be going awry...

I do hope you'll give the forum a second chance -there are a lot of good people here who mean well and want to help others succeed..
 
eh - nevermind - i foound the post and honestly not everyone wants the input however valid it might be - you were trying to help... you did good... unfortunately you can't control the audience...

:)

hang in there...
 
Thanks for the support. One of my biggest faults is my inability to accept unwarranted and unnecessary criticism. I'll stick with it for now..
 
Hey there,

While my time at the moment is limited, I read through a few of your first paragraphs. I just wanted to extend a hand or an ear or whatever. I can relate to your first post. I was there about three years ago and while I have gotten myself out of the thick of that, I still deal with some of it. It's scary. It's hell. And every day feels like two days or a week. You said that you've been dealing with this for around ten years and I bet it feels twice that long. I dealt with it for three and always had thought it was six until I did the simple math in my head one day. My post in the newcomers section explain a good portion of my journey up until now. So if you are looking for someone who knows what you've been through and how it feels, I'm here. And while something in your head is telling you that no one can possibly know how you feel (because I was that way the entire time, too), I do know. I remember. It's hard to forget. And if I can do anything to help you, I wouldn't mind at all. Good luck and take care. You can get yourself out of this, I promise. It's just going to take a lot to get there. ~Candice
 
Thanks so much for your support. It is nice to not feel alone for a change. And you're right- although my battle has, indeed, been ongoing since I was 15, it feels like I was born into this struggle. At times, I feel so proud of myself for staying on the path for such an extended period of time- but then, for whatever reason, I relapse and the brutal and vicious cycle of self-loathing is initiated yet again. From what you articulated in your post, I would sense that you can relate.

I think what I'm struggling with the most emotionally at the moment is my life is so incredibly wonderful. I have the most supportive and incredible fiance, my family and I are as close as ever, I'm 23 and have already completed my Masters degree, I'm in the midst of planning my fairy-tale wedding in Wales..I mean, honestly, my life is freaking brilliant- so that makes my 'disorder' all the worse- It makes me hate myself more because I have all of this happiness lying at my feet and I am trampling on it with this problem. This all-encompassing, consuming disorder which haunts me every moment of every day. I am beginning to hate food because of the comfort it provides me with- I hate it because when I eat it, I feel guilty. Every calorie consumed these days seems to impact my self-esteem. My obsessive tendencies have been exacerbated in my eating habits and I devote far too many hours every day researching diet/fitness tips, among other related issues. I can't seem to stop. I just want to weight off. Here, I thought 150 lbs for my height would be a reasonable goal; an incredible loss for my extremely muscular 5'7" build but I read about others on this site who are unhappy at my height with 145 and it makes me feel even worse about myself...and i know i can't compare because body type is entirely relative to one's build but still..

I'm at the lightest I have been since I was 15 years old [163] but I still feel like that chubby 16 year old who would eat next to nothing until she was alone and would then consume everything she could. I can't seem to see what everyone else sees when they look at me. In fact, it just doesnt matter to me at times. I will know when I am at peace with my body. I only want to lose another size- down to a size 8 and i'll be satisfied..but i've been stuck at this plateau for over a month now and i'm so exhausted and so tired of thinking and talking about my body. I just want the demons to be exorcised out of my body.

Phew. Looks like I had a bit of venting...Hopefully no one will have taken the time to read all of the above, as I probably sound like a crazed lunatic. I'm just at a very difficult time in my life.. Oh dear.
 
seeing as the title of my diary is the something about psychosis :) I can't even remember the title -the lunatic title is all mine and you'll have to fight me for it :)

no lunatic talk out of youo, missy :)truly sane people are no fun - i like to think of us slightly non-sane people as having character :)

If you've been on the plateau for a month, maybe your body needs a break - what have you been doing to get youto this point... a change may be what your body needs.
 
Another day of struggling but I suppose these days will still come and go. I hate soda but I have filled myself with two cans of Diet Ginger Ale, as I couldnt fathom drinking any MORE water this evening!~ Loads to do tonight and this week for that matter. My other half will be here so soon!

Had a good 40 minutes on the cross trainer this evening. Looking forward to heading back to my beloved gym tomorrow. Signing off.
 
You did not offend me in my diary... I wrote you a PM explaining my annoyance (not with you but in general). Sorry if I made you feel bad... it was nice of you to offer your support. :) I read through your diary and saw that my remark hurt your feelings... I really didn't mean to. Don't let that discourage you from going further with this site there is a lot of support here that will help you! :)
 
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Hi there,

No worried abut the comment but I do really appreciate the apology. I don't accept any form of criticism very well which is mainly what landed me in my current eating situation in the first place. But thank you very much for taking the time to address the situation.

Logging in..almost 7am..I couldnt sleep again last night. It's becoming a regular occurence again, which is worrisome. I'm tired all day, entirely lethargic to the point where I have to force myself to the gym and then around 9pm when i get into bed [I wake up at 520am every morning so the early nights are a necessity], I'm no longer tired. Despite the warm milk, sleepy tea and really banal book that I picked up, knowing that it was so boring it would put me to sleep, my anxiety was wreaking havoc on my brain and just wouldnt shut it off. Perhaps the past few nights [and prospectively this evening] is mainly excitement and exhilaration as my wonderful other half will be here TOMORROW. Let me tell you, long-distance is NOT easy...especially when you're engaged to the man of your dreams and you're an ocean apart while trying to plan your fairy-tale wedding! Despite how much I'm looking forward to seeing him, it will most definitely be bittersweet, as his next visit won't be until August when I fly over to Wales with him-permanently.

Most of my friends cannot seem to comprehend why this move would be so stressful. Well, I'm leaving behind everything remotely familiar and close to me and moving halfway across the world to start a new life with no financial security, no job security and serious students loans calling my name. The things we do for love I suppose..

These super early mornings are rather detrimental to my eating as i'm STARVING when I wake up so early. I try to wait until just before I leave the house at 6am to eat my breakfast but my tummy is always growling at me. So far today:

Breakfast- 1 slice high fiber toast w/ one vegetarian chicken sausage and slice vegan cheese
1/4 cup grapenuts with 1/2 cup soy milk [unfortunately I have to eat these for my digestive issues, despite my distaste for them]
Cals-355 [on target, alllll rigghtt!]

Gloomy day outside- expecting a thunder and lightning storm. Heading down south tonight to see 'Our Town' the musical with the parental units-36 hours until I see my baby! Have a great day everyone!
 
Crazybecka88 said:
Phew. Looks like I had a bit of venting...Hopefully no one will have taken the time to read all of the above, as I probably sound like a crazed lunatic. I'm just at a very difficult time in my life.. Oh dear.
Click to expand...

Haha! After reading such an honest post and then to finish it off with, "I sound crazy!" made me giggle.

Well I am glad that your life is wonderful. However, I don't think you need to loathe yourself over this. Easier said than done, right? Sometimes life is perfectly wonderful, whether we feel deserving of it or not. And if you think 145 is a good weight for you, then don't let other people's goals get in your way. You said you are muscular. I went to college with this stunningly gorgeous girl who had long beautiful hair, nice smiles, great eyes... the whole bit. She weighed in at 155 because she was on the university track team. She was by no means fat. She was slender and her waist was built of defined muscle. Visually, I never would have put her over 130. But that's the glory of muscle. It's that much denser than fat that you can be a certain size at two different weights and the difference is muscle vs fat.

I know earlier you said that you tried hypnosis and that your hypnostic expert pushed you beyond your comfort level. I hate to say it but not everyone who works with the human psyche really should. In college, I saw three different counselors. There was only one that I ever scheduled a second appointment with (and then a whole semester's worth of appointments). The other two, in my uncertified opinion, were nutbags. The first woman was mentally in the 1980s. She was a 30something mom (maybe early 40s) who still wore her high school cheerleading letterman's jacket. She also had a 2yr old daughter that attended the daycare center I worked at. Her and her husband never taught their daughter to walk. She was two and scuttled across the floor using her hands to push her butt in any which direction one foot at a time. The little girl's hips even formed weird because she was use to being carried around or scuttling on the floor. The daycare center staff had to teach her how to stand upright and walk... at 2 yrs old. This woman did not seem qualified to give me life advice... degree or not.

I know not a thing about hypnosis but maybe finding yourself a counselor to get to the root of your self loathing would be good to look into. The one that I saw continuously for a semester was a big contributing factor to my healing process. She didn't know first hand what an eating disorder was like, but she had the type of personality and attitude to help me, give me advice, give me mental exercises and accountability without dictating me or going outside of my comfort levels. She came to appointments knowing that there is a difference between what a book/class/degree can teach you and what it's like to actually endure something. A therapist, psychologist, counselor, hypnotist, doctor, etc., it's like shoe shopping. There are lots of things out there, but you need to find the perfect fit or you end up unhappy (and with blisters:p ) Look into different people. Your gut will tell you if things will work. However, if you feel uncomfortable or you question the person's advice, then it's time to look elsewhere. Your gut will know:)

Happy Wednesday!
 
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