Emmie's diary <3

[sexy_popcorn]

So firstly, I would like to state that I'm not visibly obese or anything. I'm 5'9 and between 185- 190 pounds at the moment. Last March, I weighed 150 and was able to start seeing ab definition. It isn't a tremendous amount of weight gain, but if I stay at this level, I next year I will be 230 pounds, then 270, then 310! I refuse to let this happen to me!

The difference between then and now, was last year, I was struggling with family problems, and fitness was one of the ways I got through it. I never liked typical Physical Education Class, but I always felt that fitness was important, so I joined my school's Girls in Motion class, where you learn to use the same techniques with dieting and how to use equipment at the gym the same way you would when you're older. It was amazing. The teacher who led the whole thing was inspiring, and she pushed me to my absolute limit! (I felt like I was going to die, but I came out better from it) I also had friends who took the same class and got me through it. Outside of class, I taught myself dance thanks to YouTube and would basically do two hours of cardio (dubstep and shuffle dance combined) with half an hour of strength to start off/ warm up. I even used a diet tracker and got very used to eating only 1800 calories a day! I wasn't doing the best mentally at the time, but I looked great! Boys even started to notice.

Since I put on weight, I've covered myself up more. I know appearance wise I'm only considered a 7 and not an 8 now (bless) but since I don't "throw it around" nobody finds 7 girls THAT attractive in my school. So I haven't cared as much about my looks, since I'm in a better place mentally and don't feel like I need validation from boys to be happy. (Be nice if they NOTICED me, but I'd still just reject them so...) I'm in my last year before college, and I would love to have healthy, MAINTAINABLE lifestyle choices.

Bless you all, (idk why I said that I'm not religious)
I hope I can make a lot of friends on here.
-Emmie

 

[sexy_popcorn]

Mon October 15

So today is where I start! (An awful start I might add.)

I joined this forum so that I could make a progress and feel accountable. I weighed myself for the first time in two weeks and am relieved to say its 185 and not 190 like I originally thought!

I felt kinda off all day. I think things are starting to get to me/ stress me out a little. (House in the midst of it's second month of construction where I'm basically stuck in my bedroom since I don't have many close friends to hangout with, and the downstairs is inaccessible. This makes it hard to even socialize with my grandmother but all she goes on about all the time is how I need to lose weight and SOMEHOW make my acne dissappear like I haven't been trying all the time anyway. I love her, but I've still felt disconnected lately.) Plus I've been falling behind in a few of my classes due to skipping, but this is the year I'm supposed to get straight 90's. (Scholarships and stuff)

Anyways I didn't know what it was but I felt absolutely horrible at lunch time and didn't want to go to my last class of the day, Girls in Motion, where we were doing a run. (We do this Couch to 5k thing but I'm never able to move up every week like the rest of my group, and since my group is mostly 9th graders, I feel like crap. But I actually LOVE running, being outperformed by my underclassmen just stresses me out.) So as one does when they've skipped way too much school to actually be in the habit of BEING there, I went home. (My grandparents were out all day.)

I knew there was something wrong with my lifestyle when I started crying into a bowl of ice cream since a Lauren Southern video said I'll never get married and have kids, felt accomplished by not going back to the freezer to make a milkshake, then proceeded to make myself popcorn with hotsauce for dinner 20 minutes later. Today I promised myself I wouldn't eat icecream for the first time in 3 days, so yeah poop.

I have free membership to the local gym and my goal was to go there every day after school and I was good at it for a week or so, but it is my fitness goal to keep at it! I don't have a job outside of school, so I honestly don't have an excuse except that I'm a digital artist now, but even then I spend more time watching youtube than making art.

But today I'm focusing on solutions to problems!
-Start going to class every day (ask if I can be put in the lower fitness group)
-Start going to gym every day except Wednesday where I have choir and can't be sweaty
-Watch less Youtube
-Read webtoons at night and not morning
-Run in the mornings
-Not eat popcorn, icecream, milkshake, 6 dinner buns, or many slices of bread every day

I hope this wasn't too complainy. Anyways, I've got to go make my new fitness plan and diet, as well as do my chores, homework, and uni prep stuff. I love you all who read this.

 

[Cate]

Hi, Emmie & welcome to the forum. You don't sound too complainy at all. Use your diary as a place you can say whatever you feel. It's your space & we'll come to visit you here. Lots will read, but not comment. We are all in different time zones. I'm in Australia & while it's 3.30 pm here right now, it's about 9.30 pm last night on the West Coast of the US. Imagine someone is reading even if they are not answering. There are some lovely people in here who I'm sure will visit your diary.
I think building your self-esteem is probably the most important thing for you. There is a thread in the forum with motivational sayings & info. The link to it is https://weight-loss.fitness.com/threads/motivational-sayings-and-or-affirmations.33533/
Try not to be hard on yourself. You sound like such a lovely person & I think you will most likely have a happy future. It's important to learn to love yourself, hon, xo Cate