Any advice for dealing with unhelpful family members? I'm going on vacation with my super-slim mother and sarcastic father who make a big deal if I don't weigh -2 lbs. Even at a healthy weight, I inevitably get told how much better I look (if I've lost weight) or how I should work harder to lose more (if I haven't). Add to that nasty comments about what I should and shouldn't be eating whenever we go out to eat and I'm in tears every night. I'd really, REALLY like to have a witty response to put them in their place this time - nothing cruel, but definitely want to shut them up. Any ideas?
dealing with unhelpful family members?
- Thread starter naomicnt
- Start date
KissMyHuman
New member
Just ignore them, hard as it may be. Yanking their chain with witty replies will only speed up the negative comments.
M2M
New member
Honestly, I would be very direct with them. Let them know exactly how those types of comments not only hurt you, but hurt and undermine your relationship with them.
I would so hope my daughter is able to come to me and let me know if I'm doing something that hurts her. She's 10, and she already has had plenty of practice saying "Mom, that hurt my feelings." "Mom, you sound really angry, are you mad at me?"
You need to put voice to your feelings and not engage in a word war over the subject - it needs to come to a truce.
Best of luck in dealing with your parents - I *KNOW* it isn't easy! However, it will help them learn to identify you as a separate person and perhaps, one who has feelings and sensitivities that should be respected!
I would so hope my daughter is able to come to me and let me know if I'm doing something that hurts her. She's 10, and she already has had plenty of practice saying "Mom, that hurt my feelings." "Mom, you sound really angry, are you mad at me?"
You need to put voice to your feelings and not engage in a word war over the subject - it needs to come to a truce.
Best of luck in dealing with your parents - I *KNOW* it isn't easy! However, it will help them learn to identify you as a separate person and perhaps, one who has feelings and sensitivities that should be respected!
somethingnew987
New member
Wow that sounds horrible, im so sorry. I dont have any ideas of witty things to say other than "shut the hell up", thats probably what I would say, but thats probably not what your looking for lol. But I really am sorry, thats horrible for family members to say those things.
freshman15
New member
That really sucks naomicnt.
Have you tried telling them it hurts your feelings? I know it sounds cheesy but they may not even be aware of how cruel they are. Or if you're in a defensive mood you could say "I may have a few pound to lose, but at least I'm not _______ "
an old hag, a crappy mother... the more true the better.
It is sort of a fighting fire with fire situation though, it's best just to ignore them and learn from their mistakes so that you never treat your friends or future children that way.
I have an aunt who is just the same. If I gain weight she notices and offers to help me lose weight on some stupid diet plan... The only reason she's skinny is because she barely has time for eating between her 2 packs a day. If I lose weight she just says my breasts look small, or I have no butt. There's nothing I can do but realize that she must be very unhappy with herself to treat other people that way.
Have you tried telling them it hurts your feelings? I know it sounds cheesy but they may not even be aware of how cruel they are. Or if you're in a defensive mood you could say "I may have a few pound to lose, but at least I'm not _______ "
an old hag, a crappy mother... the more true the better.
It is sort of a fighting fire with fire situation though, it's best just to ignore them and learn from their mistakes so that you never treat your friends or future children that way.
I have an aunt who is just the same. If I gain weight she notices and offers to help me lose weight on some stupid diet plan... The only reason she's skinny is because she barely has time for eating between her 2 packs a day. If I lose weight she just says my breasts look small, or I have no butt. There's nothing I can do but realize that she must be very unhappy with herself to treat other people that way.
sirant
New member
Thats rough......
You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. If I had friends that treated me that way I would just blow them off. But obviously this isn't possible in your situation. It's really too bad when family isn't as supportive and helpful as they should or could be.
Have you sat down and seriously spoken with them about this issue? Sarcasm and wit aside, perhaps they need to know they are making you cry and making you so uncomfortable. Hell, that could be a huge reason you are having the problems you are now. Maybe you could have a serious heart to heart with them about how their unkind words are doing more damage than good.
I had to have a very serious chat with my wife about similar things. She wasn't being hurtful or non-suportive per say, but I was hurting her feelings by not wanting to eat the typical chinese fast-fried and fatty foods anymore. She thought it was a reflection upon her, yet nothing could have been further from the truth. I had to really sit down and explain to her that my journey required hard work and dedication, and if that meant cooking my own meals in order to control my calories it was not a slag on her or her cooking, just a necessity. Since our little heart to heart she not only doesn't feel bad that I dont eat typical Chinese food anymore, but she actually goes out of her way to help me prepare meals in advance, so she can still eat the food she is accustomed to and I can eat what I need to. But before that big heart to heart she thought I was just being an ass and was hurting her feelings for no reason. And now that she is seeing the results of my hard work, she knows it was necessary and supports me 100%, even if I dont eat her delicious yet hgih-cal cooking.
Of course your situation is different, but the solution may be the same. I cant picture any mother and father being able to live with themselves knowing they are making their child cry. Perhaps they think by offering you such negative reinforcement it will help to push you towards your goal even more so. It is probably a good idea to show them how bad they are making you feel and explain to them that not everyone responds to sarcasm and cruel wit the same way, and their "best efforts" could actually be holding you back. I know if my daughter ever came to me and told me something I was doing was hurting her and making her cry at night I would feel like the biggest loser in the universe and would do everything in my power to change that.
Witty responses and come backs may make you feel a little better in the short term, but maybe brutal honesty will get them to see that you really want their support and love, not painfull reminders of a part of your life you aren't happy with already. Any parent who goes out of their way, intentionally or not, to make their children uncomfortable or unhappy should really give thier head a shake. Families should be about sharing love and support, not being mean and cruel to each other, and you may just need to point that out to them in no uncertain terms...
sirant
You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. If I had friends that treated me that way I would just blow them off. But obviously this isn't possible in your situation. It's really too bad when family isn't as supportive and helpful as they should or could be.
Have you sat down and seriously spoken with them about this issue? Sarcasm and wit aside, perhaps they need to know they are making you cry and making you so uncomfortable. Hell, that could be a huge reason you are having the problems you are now. Maybe you could have a serious heart to heart with them about how their unkind words are doing more damage than good.
I had to have a very serious chat with my wife about similar things. She wasn't being hurtful or non-suportive per say, but I was hurting her feelings by not wanting to eat the typical chinese fast-fried and fatty foods anymore. She thought it was a reflection upon her, yet nothing could have been further from the truth. I had to really sit down and explain to her that my journey required hard work and dedication, and if that meant cooking my own meals in order to control my calories it was not a slag on her or her cooking, just a necessity. Since our little heart to heart she not only doesn't feel bad that I dont eat typical Chinese food anymore, but she actually goes out of her way to help me prepare meals in advance, so she can still eat the food she is accustomed to and I can eat what I need to. But before that big heart to heart she thought I was just being an ass and was hurting her feelings for no reason. And now that she is seeing the results of my hard work, she knows it was necessary and supports me 100%, even if I dont eat her delicious yet hgih-cal cooking.
Of course your situation is different, but the solution may be the same. I cant picture any mother and father being able to live with themselves knowing they are making their child cry. Perhaps they think by offering you such negative reinforcement it will help to push you towards your goal even more so. It is probably a good idea to show them how bad they are making you feel and explain to them that not everyone responds to sarcasm and cruel wit the same way, and their "best efforts" could actually be holding you back. I know if my daughter ever came to me and told me something I was doing was hurting her and making her cry at night I would feel like the biggest loser in the universe and would do everything in my power to change that.
Witty responses and come backs may make you feel a little better in the short term, but maybe brutal honesty will get them to see that you really want their support and love, not painfull reminders of a part of your life you aren't happy with already. Any parent who goes out of their way, intentionally or not, to make their children uncomfortable or unhappy should really give thier head a shake. Families should be about sharing love and support, not being mean and cruel to each other, and you may just need to point that out to them in no uncertain terms...
sirant
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Thanks for the replies and support. I've talked to them honestly about it before - told my mother that I really don't like her commenting on my weight every time she sees me and asked my father to leave me alone, but it's like they forget everything each time I see them or just can't help themselves. I'm going to try to be more forceful this time, but I'm really dreading the whole thing.
Sirant - I've had a similar discussion with my partner and fortunately he got it. If only my family weren't so stubborn.
Freshman - you must be really strong to deal with your aunt so maturely. I also have an aunt (who lives with my family) who's always telling me about the latest diet and beauty products. I usually end up storming out of the room.
Sirant - I've had a similar discussion with my partner and fortunately he got it. If only my family weren't so stubborn.
Freshman - you must be really strong to deal with your aunt so maturely. I also have an aunt (who lives with my family) who's always telling me about the latest diet and beauty products. I usually end up storming out of the room.
Happychubette
Banned
Feel your power girl. Say what comes to mind any which way you can, tears or no tears. You have a right to live your life and a right not to be bullied, made fun of or criticized. You have the power and the right to speak. I think they will respect you if you just say the words.
If you do that they will be reassured on a deeper level that you are able to stand up for what you believe in. Show them.
Ask them questions.
Talk it out.
Let us know what happens.
If you do that they will be reassured on a deeper level that you are able to stand up for what you believe in. Show them.
Ask them questions.
Talk it out.
Let us know what happens.
Kaika
New member
???? You're not even over weight, not according to your ticker anyway.
I would ask them if they are trying to give you and eating disorder or of they always buy into what the media throw at us for standards of beauty. Then I would grab a big ice cream cone and eat it right infront of them and savor every bite like it was the best thing on earth. You have to show them that you don't care what they think because frankly, anyone who gives someone grief about their weight when they only weigh 116 pounds has some pretty serious issues themselve. You also may want to ask them why they love you and if they think you are worthy of that love when you don't live up to their standards of beauty. Then tell them they need to watch more Dr. Phill and less Style Network.
I would ask them if they are trying to give you and eating disorder or of they always buy into what the media throw at us for standards of beauty. Then I would grab a big ice cream cone and eat it right infront of them and savor every bite like it was the best thing on earth. You have to show them that you don't care what they think because frankly, anyone who gives someone grief about their weight when they only weigh 116 pounds has some pretty serious issues themselve. You also may want to ask them why they love you and if they think you are worthy of that love when you don't live up to their standards of beauty. Then tell them they need to watch more Dr. Phill and less Style Network.
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Thats probably worse than having a family who makes fun of you for losing weight (the predicament I'm in). I get called anorexic and all kinds of jokes about how i like to eat things like broccoli and strawberries. Its a pain but no where near as hurtful I would imagine as what you appear to have to sit through. I just realize that they're probably saying all these things because they are actually unhappy with themselves and are just illogical people. In any case, I wish you luck but I cannot really offer any suggestions, I just ignore it.
itsmyglands
New member
naomicnt
Parents can do mean things because they're mean people, or sometimes it can be their weird way of trying to show love. If you can work out which it is you'll have a better way of knowing how to react to what they do.
As an example, when I call my daughter princess she knows it shows how much I love her. But have you ever heard the term 'princess' being used to mean something derogatory?
And this advice: "Then I would grab a big ice cream cone and eat it right infront of them and savor every bite like it was the best thing on earth."
I have to disagree completely. To change what you eat to make a point to someone else is really not a healthy mindset to have.
Of course your parents may be jealous of you. That happens too. And sometimes people get scared if they're not changing in life and someone else is.
There's a good book out there - it helped me -called Toxic Parents. I forget the author, but boy, it was worth reading twice. You might want to look it up in Amazon.
And don't give up or let them get you down, hard as that is to do.
Parents can do mean things because they're mean people, or sometimes it can be their weird way of trying to show love. If you can work out which it is you'll have a better way of knowing how to react to what they do.
As an example, when I call my daughter princess she knows it shows how much I love her. But have you ever heard the term 'princess' being used to mean something derogatory?
And this advice: "Then I would grab a big ice cream cone and eat it right infront of them and savor every bite like it was the best thing on earth."
I have to disagree completely. To change what you eat to make a point to someone else is really not a healthy mindset to have.
Of course your parents may be jealous of you. That happens too. And sometimes people get scared if they're not changing in life and someone else is.
There's a good book out there - it helped me -called Toxic Parents. I forget the author, but boy, it was worth reading twice. You might want to look it up in Amazon.
And don't give up or let them get you down, hard as that is to do.
blueberry_twist
New member
I think your parents may be a little jealous that your doing so well I know that sounds weird but it can happen ( I have had it happen ) plus they dont know how it feels they think that it's funny ( well your dad does ) sit down and tell them how it hurts you when they dont suport you and ask them why? ask them how can they dont be proud.
and if they are rude about it then guess what. That is their problem not yours and remember your doing it FOR YOURSELF not them
and if they are rude about it then guess what. That is their problem not yours and remember your doing it FOR YOURSELF not them
blueberry_twist
New member
not trying to be rude here and I hope you dont take this the wrong way but you weight 114lbs? sweetie your fine your parents shouldnt say anything about your weight at all. Yes if you wanna get some off that's great but take your time it will take time ok? they need to understand not everyone is perfect and this is affecting you more then they know and even you know remember do it for yourself NOT THEM