Blaming it on the weight

C

catiew21

New member
So I hope I'm venting/posting in the right spot... IDK... It seems like everything relates to weight loss lol....

I'm wondering if anyone else has this problem:

Met a guy.
Starting talking/sort of dating him
Went a little too far (which is very ATYPICAL of me)...
I like him/want a relationship
He's like bye
This is over a period of the last 3 weeks

Now... i know somewhere deep in my heart that even though he's a little older than me, he still doesn't know what he wants and acted immaturely (you just kind of have to know all the details but i won't bore you with those)...

So tonight he sort of breaks up with me - except we weren't really in a relationship- so he tells me he just wants to be friends and he hopes i'm not hurt...

Then, what do I turn to? I'm like I'm fat. That's why he doesn't want to be with me. Again, I know in my heart this is ridiculous too, because I've lost almost 40 pounds and I'm not fat-fat...I just see myself as fat. I am struggling so much with how to get past that. I want to look at the situation objectively and take it for what it is - a very common thing- but my freaking issues with the mirror are in my way. Situations such as these make me so scared to open up to anyone else.

Am I being way stupid? Anyone else feel me here?

Love you all!
Cate
 
You know I think you're the cutest thing since sliced bread so Ill give it to you honestly:

a) Some guys arent looking for a relationship at all, and thus you had no chance to begin with.
b) some are looking for it if it feels right.
c) Some guys if they date you are only going to date with the prospect of entering into a relationship.

I think most people are in category b. But people in this category USUALLY don't make the decision until something serious happens, like a) a big talk b) a big fight or c) sex.

Most times when the decision is made from a) b) or c) it feels unnatural and uncomfortable. So this doesn't improve the situation. The difference between genders is that c) usually makes a guy run while c) for a girl makes them stick around (if they hadn't already decided to stay or commit to him the hour before they go too far lol.

____________________________________

Beyond that, there is a natural qualification that guys make about girls.

a) are they physically attracted to them (do they want to kiss you)
b) do they like you as a person
c) what will their friends/family think?

In a nice world a) and b) would be the predominant factors. However in my experience c) is the most powerful factor. The best way to judge how youll be judged is by his friends (girls and guys).

If all his guy friends have skinny g/fs, or his girl friends are all skinny, you are fighting a stacked deck.

This is speaking from personal experience. I remember dating a girl i thought was incredibly attractive (chesty, pretty face) and she was super nice too. However, within my peer group AND family there was this expectation and the very idea of having people discuss her and us behind our backs made me noxious. So I broke up with her making up some lame excuse that I wasnt ready and that law school was my #1 priority and id love to still be friends.

I hate to say this, but there is also a common thought within men's circles that a slightly chubby but cute girl has no where to go but down past 30...or the idea of "what type of shape will she be in in 10 years if she isnt slim now?"
It's not fair, but it's the way it works.

_______
So if you think you're being stupid and just inventing it in your head, you're not. There is no way to know if it was just because he wasnt interested in a relationship at all at the time, or if it was based on future evaluations, or if the early sex freaked him out and he ran.

Michael
 
Oddly, I might have the right experience in this realm to give you some advice, then again, I might not. Take this with a grain of salt and a short of penicillin.

To quote a pick-up guru (David Deangelo): "Attraction is not a choice". Unfortunately this is true for both male and female versions of our species.

Basically this means that if you meet someone long enough for them to form an opinion of you (about 30 seconds) and they aren't attracted to you, no amount of begging, paying for stuff, and otherwise sucking up will ever make them feel it for you. The opposite of this is also true however, meaning that if they do feel gut level attraction towards you, then there is nothing THEY can do to convince themselves otherwise.

Honestly the above post about social pressures from friends, etc are true, however they are more limited than you would think. Also, would you really want a boyfriend who was insecure to the point of being embarrassed of his girlfriend in the first place, regardless of what she looks like?

On another note, attraction for men is 80% physical, 20% other qualities. For women it is more like 20% physical, and 80% other qualities. Oddly the things that are physically attractive to men aren't always obvious (I've actually seen some really hot chunky girls out there). A lot of physical attraction deals with how you carry yourself, do you look like a confident person, etc.

I've seen a lot of strange dynamics when it comes to dating. I've seen 90lb girls with 400lb guys (and it wasn't because of money, because you can't take your car into the club to pickup chicks, trust me I've tried). I've seen 300lb girls with extremely fit guys (you know the drill, 8pack abs that can grab your fist and throw you on the ground kicking if you try to punch him).

Best advice I can give you is to find your limiting belief (this will probably not be an easy task). By limiting belief I'm saying "What keeps you from being able to find, attract, and secure a relationship with the man of your dreams?".

In my case, my limiting belief about women was that "She is too pretty to want to talk to me, she'll just shut me down and laugh about it with her friends". Once you understand your limiting belief, you drive down to your actual fear, and cope with it either by mitigating the emotional response it generates, or by reframing it into a positive thing.

An example of this would be something like:
Thought: "She's too pretty to want to talk to me"
Reframe: "But I bet she's never met a guy as interesting as me before"

Thought: "I'm not in shape enough for her to like me".
Reframe: "For all I know, she likes bigger guys"

Anyway, I did this and a bunch of other NLP related stuff to talk myself out of some serious insecurity issues (I was seriously afraid to go talk to 60 year old women in a night club).

You can also try affirmations, I would suggest something like "I am an extremely confident, fun and wonderful person that any guy would be lucky to be with" 25 times every morning in the mirror. You have to say this like you mean it, and look yourself dead in the eye while doing it. I know it sounds silly, but after a few weeks it really does start to creep up in the back of your mind (I had a girl break up with me about 2 years ago because I was "too cocky", considering I was completely insecure for the 23 years previous to that I took it as a compliment).

Anywho, this post is WAYYYYYYY too long, to the point of no one is EVER going to read it, so I better stop.

Again, everything said here is just my nickle - 3 pennies.
 
It is far more multifaceted than embarrassed. It is far more akin to the opposite side of the spectrum. Rather than thinking of it as "are they embarrassed to be with you" that was clearly not the case because i did date her.

However, long-term, it becomes more of a 'am i proud to be with her?'. Pride and embarrassment are driven by peer relations for many people. Some people who are isolated have little of this pressure while others with large extended families and social networks are heavily driven this way. (esp. in some cultures)

I happen to be in the latter.

And youve seen guys who are in great shape with 300 lb girls? Can you introduce me to these couples? I cant think of anyone I know even as an acquaintance that is in this type of relationship. The rules for guys are different because obesity is acceptable to some women.

Reframing is good as long as its not unrealistic and when it doesn't ignore evidence when it is presented.

I bet I could take a sample of my 7 best friends and their girlfriends along with a select sampling of overweight guys from my law school and their girlfriends. Mix the 14 girls together and then pick the 7 that are with us vs. who are with the other guys.

I bet you could score 100%. Is this coincidence? Hardly...and to think what our friends think doesnt have a huge effect on how guys choose their girls is silly.

Michael
 
Wow thanks for the heartfelt responses...seriosuly - I always like to hear your thoughts.

This morning I'm slightly more optimistic (which is a good thing) and can look at the whole situation a little bit better.

As for the whole embarassment thing, I know he wasn't embarassed of me. For a fact. I think he'd actually be pretty upset if I told him I thought that. We went out a good 5 or 6 times; he took me to a place to introudce to friends and family... I mean it was going well (or so I thought).

He's 24, I'm 21. He just had his heart BROKEN like almost a year ago by the love of his life and honestly I think he's not quite over that yet. Whatever it may be, I will never know. I think, Michael, your "b" (looking to see if it feels right) is completley what happened. Then the sex (urgh- stupid me!) made it complicated. It made my feelings get stronger, and him like uh-oh don't think we were quite ready for that.. As for his friends that i met, they were a wide variety of people (some thin, some that needed to lose weight)... He is very athletic though and very fit so Idk...

Newboy, thanks for your thoughts too... In this instance, there was immediate attraction... I met him at a club (classy, isn't it? Lol)... and we kind of hit it off... He got my number from one of my friends that he knew and started calling me. Initially I wasn't going to pursue anything, then I let my guard down and did... So I really think that the attraction was there initially considering he was the one who pursued me. He lives like an hour away, and drove down on many occasions to take me out or just to hang out with me.

I sort of thought we were getting to that relationship point, because it was an intense few weeks and of course sex makes everything so freaking complicated. It was one of those talk to you every day sort of things, and see you at least 2 times per week (lived in a different town) things... Yeah, I guess I shouldn't feel so stupid..

But, the first thing I do is look at myself and blame it on something about me.. That's my struggle, and I think it will always be no matter how much weight I lose. I have to get past that. I was very sweet to him, had many great conversations with him, and hey, it didn't work out. I just wish I could get to the point where I didn't subconsiously blame it on the way that I look.. Make sense?

Again, thanks for your input :)
 
Chopped some of it to make it shorter but here goes.
ExercisePhysio said:
And youve seen guys who are in great shape with 300 lb girls? Can you introduce me to these couples?

Reframing is good as long as its not unrealistic and when it doesn't ignore evidence when it is presented.

I bet I could take a sample of my 7 best friends and their girlfriends along with a select sampling of overweight guys from my law school and their girlfriends. Mix the 14 girls together and then pick the 7 that are with us vs. who are with the other guys.

I bet you could score 100%. Is this coincidence? Hardly...and to think what our friends think doesnt have a huge effect on how guys choose their girls is silly.
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My friend Sarah is approximately 270-280lbs at 5'6-7''. She's dating a guy that's about 185lbs at 6'0''. She does have a great outlook on life and is pretty darn funny (and has some really interesting insights on the world). Friend Krissy is about 190ishlbs at about 5'4''. Again, she's dating a semi-in-shape guy (he's not a gym buff, but he's an ectomorph regardless).

It was like 4am when I was responding so I'm not sure I correctly got my point across. I wasn't saying you are wrong, I actually agree with you to some degree, in the majority of cases people seek mates who are physically equal to themselves.

I do disagree with the statement that this is out of your control (at least out f control as much as weight is involved, since we all know everyone can lose whatever they want to lose given the correct motivators). I completely believe that if you believe something strongly enough it can affect not only yourself but the people around you (take Hitler, oh wait....that's a bad example unless we want to invoke Godwin's law).


Met a guy.
Starting talking/sort of dating him
Went a little too far (which is very ATYPICAL of me)...
I like him/want a relationship
He's like bye
This is over a period of the last 3 weeks
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Not to give you an overly cocky way to look at your situation but maybe this guy has a poor taste in women, maybe he's gay, maybe he's got too much going on in life to get involved in a relationship right now, or maybe he's just too immature to know what he wants (this one I took from your list).

The last time I was working out I was down to 230ish lbs (I actually look pretty good at this weight) and actually had a girl dump me stating "You know, sometimes two people just aren't physically compatible, I'm just not physically attracted to you". This didn't do me any favors mentally on the whole "working out" thing, so I stopped. Now that I've reanalyzed the situation I know something that I didn't at the time. She was lying to me. 2 days after we broke up, she got back with her ex-boyfriend and they are now married. In my opinion there was simply something going on in the equation that I didn't perceive at the time (aka, the old boyfriend she was still in love with calling her).

Regardless,
I've got some questions to ask:
1. How long did you wait before having sex (the average time to bed is 7.5 hours btw)?

2. Sex makes things complicated, as it enhances the emotional bond of women, and may or may not enhance the emotional bond of the man (there's a biological reason for this that involves women only releasing a single egg per month and men releasing enough sperm in one shot to repopulate the united states). Did you show an abundance of emotion to him afterwards? Aka, were you calling him twice a day just to see how he was doing, etc?

3. Did you change your personality in the middle of the relationship? (I say relationship because that's what all human interaction is at it's base form) I.e. Were you really interesting, fiesty and cocky the first few times he talked to you, then turned into a LSE girl (or vice versa)?

That's all I can think of for now, if I'm not being at least somewhat helpful let me know and I'll just shudddaaaaupp..;)
 
Newboy, thanks for your thought and well stated opinions..

To answer your questions, my dumbass slept with him after about a week or so of dates/conversations that I thought were great. I feel like this is so personal to be posting on here, but at least nobody really knows who/where I'm located .. Urgh.... I am very careful about who I sleep with , and usually it takes much longer than that (so i'm not a big one-night-stander)..

I didn't get overly emotional or harass him by calling all the time afterwards. It just didn't work out I guess and maybe I'll never know why but that's okay... Things happen... Like i said before, in my mind i just want to get it out of my head that it was b/c of my weight. I look at myself in high school at a very healthy 145ish- and now I'm 30 pounds more than that... Could be much better better, could be worse. Bottom line, I have issues...
Thanks for your help :)
 
Catie: I think you realize that men at different points in life (salient enough from this post) have variant thoughts and approaches to dating/relationships and such.

Both positions are valid. The key is what type of guy are you interested in? Focus in on appealing to that demographic.

I guess in all honesty I can really only speak for my peer group and how we approach things.

And if anyone says "just be yourself" well...we all know how much of a crock that is.

We are necessarily bound to our social situations. Where you want to be long-term is up to you.

Michael
 
maybe he's just not into you. or got what he wanted. guys as a hole are asses. i should know im an asshole. dont jump to conlusions that its because your weight. attractions comes in all shapes, sizes and attitudes. move on and keep searching. there are plenty of chances for relationships in life. just dont let them pass you by.
 
ExercisePhysio said:
I bet I could take a sample of my 7 best friends and their girlfriends along with a select sampling of overweight guys from my law school and their girlfriends. Mix the 14 girls together and then pick the 7 that are with us vs. who are with the other guys.
Michael
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Sheesh buddy, you're so unusually open about being shallow and, I say this in the friendliest way, conceited :D. Dont leave your tact at the door when you visit a site mainly for overweight people.

Though this guy is in shape, dont always assume thin is his primary focus. Not every man likes super skinny girls with thin legs and big chests, some men like more curvy girls with big asses or hips or whatever. Its really quite individual.

Catie, to be real, most guys run after a night of premature sex. They very often feel pressured and turned off. The best medicine is to forget about him and stop calling him, and be friendly (not bitter and nasty) if he calls you or you run into him. This often reignites their interest in a big way, and if it doesn't work then so be it, you've stopped calling and will start to move on anyway. If he calls to hang out or chat as friends, then just follow his lead, be friendly and dont mention anything deeper. This will either get him interested again or he really does just want to be friends and you can just keep it at that. Down the road a lot of men change their minds, but only if you keep your distance and show them you've moved on, though usually by that time its too late. I just say let them take the lead because a clear fact is that the more you chase the more they'll run, sexist as that sounds its the truth.
 
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most guys run after a night of premature sex.
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They'll probably be yelling something along the lines of "I swear, this has never happened to me before" over their shoulders, too... Get it? Premature? ... Nevermind...

I would like to play devil's advocate for a second, here. This entire thread has been based on the belief that it is some flaw in men that once the woman puts up the pootie, that he throws his running shoes on. I hear crap like that from friends all the time. Mostly, it is from women who place too large an emphasis on the deed. If he wasn't running when swinging the bat got him to third a couple times a night, why would all of the sudden knocking in a dinger change things? In all honesty, good third base feels just as good to a guy as rounding that last base.

The answer: Women that place too much emphasis on the importance of sex (not just foreplay, or other types of sex, but sex sex) often go friggin nuts after the first time you have sex with 'em, like there is some button ten inches in that you push, and it releases some sort of friggin crazy hormone. All of the sudden, every little thing you do is criticized. Don't feel like falling asleep cuddling, 'cause you wake up with a mouthfull of her hair in the morning, and a sweaty chest? Whereas before, that was perfectly fine, now all of the sudden, it makes her think that you don't find her attractive. That's a no-no. Your boss keeps you late a few nights to finish up some pressing project? Uh oh... better be ready for a fight with the girl because she thinks you are just blowing her off, or are "being distant", and she won't listen to any form of reason about the subject.

We tend tomake ourselves the victim way too often, and completely ignore whole sides of the story because we are too busy hanging the streamers for our own pity party.

*This post was brought to you by every crazy woman I have ever had the pleasure of pleasuring, and is an amalgamated mixture of stories and thoughts from my circle of friends.

*This post was also brought to you by the letter 'A'
 
he answer: Women that place too much emphasis on the importance of sex (not just foreplay, or other types of sex, but sex sex) often go friggin nuts after the first time you have sex with 'em, like there is some button ten inches in that you push, and it releases some sort of friggin crazy hormone.
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AMEN To that my brotha -

Sex is just sex...

you can put out in 10 minutes or 10 weeks - the result could be the same...

I think if one gender (over a c ertain age of course, I'm not fond of the fact that 15 year olds are having sex - becuae they don't always understand the consequences involved) would get rid of the notion that sex is oh so extra special and means something, then the other gender would dump the notion that they have to get it all the time...


Enjoy sex for what it is - a really fun way to get sweaty :) (with protection of course :D
 
maleficent said:
AMEN To that my brotha -

Sex is just sex...

you can put out in 10 minutes or 10 weeks - the result could be the same...

I think if one gender (over a c ertain age of course, I'm not fond of the fact that 15 year olds are having sex - becuae they don't always understand the consequences involved) would get rid of the notion that sex is oh so extra special and means something, then the other gender would dump the notion that they have to get it all the time...


Enjoy sex for what it is - a really fun way to get sweaty :) (with protection of course :D
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I dunno, this may be true for some women but most really do fit the stereo type of getting in too deep after sex. It just sets off all kinds of chemical reactions that just change all ones emotions.

Like James said, girls just need to *act* (if that's what it takes) chill until the guy catches up in intensity of emotions. That cant happen if your crowding or stifling them, especially when they're freaking out or taking a step back, for whatever reason. Just go with the flow and go about your own business, I feel its very possible that he'll come back if you just keep up the friends thing with him. To me it sounds like he really liked you.
 
Like James said, girls just need to *act* (if that's what it takes) chill until the guy catches up in intensity of emotions.
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EXACTLY

Thank you for reading that properly, blanc. I was worried I'd be the subject of a witch hunt for posting something like that.

I don't mind a woman with a good case of the crazies, but for the love of god, don't hold it all until you have sex with the guy, and then just let it all go. I mean, you don't see a guy have sex with a woman for the first time, then go dump with the door open. Sex isn't a magical bump up in a relationship... it's just another step.
 
Wow! i woke up this morning and there were like 6 new posts for my crazy thread... Thanks everyone for your input.

Okay to clairify a few things...I had no intention of this being a guy bashing thread lol.... i just kind of stated the way that things happened. What I was really trying to focus on was that my stupid self esteem weight issues seem to get in the way of me analyzing a situation for what it is ya know?

Blancita- thanks girl for your sweet comments.. I think you understood the situation pretty well (from what I wrote) and that it was far more complicated than just sex or whatever, there was a very strong liking for a little bit. I haven't called him, talked to him, or anything. And like you said, I'm not going to be bitter or rude or anything, I'll be friendly, if he decides to call me again.

I read somewhere, recently, that men and women have different hormones and levels that make them subconciously view sex differently. Don't get me wrong - it didn't make me fall in love with him or anything crazy like that. It was just sex. But of course after doing so I was kind of ready to move to the next step and he wasn't yet. Simple as that.

As said before, my main concern was that i have these issues (weight issues) that get in my way sometimes and am trying to overcome them.

Thanks for the thoughts you guys :)
 
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