MsWant2BHealthy
New member
I’ve got a confession to make and it’s not going to be an easy one. For me, binging has always been a rather complicated process, but I didn't let that stop me. I know a lot of folks binge when their emotions get the best of them; me, I'd bottle it up and go through a sort of routine to achieve my binge.
First and foremost, it needs to be done privately; no husband or anyone else around to interfere or witness it. This means that I have to schedule my binges, that’s right, schedule a time when I’ll eat my feelings. I want to make sure I have the afternoon off, and that my husband won’t be coming home early to interrupt or catch me. These binges are large amounts of food (e.g. an entire large pizza + side + a sweet to follow up) so it’s a long process to eat all of it—usually around 5 hours, but way too much food and I’m usually uncomfortable or in pain when I'm finally finished. Once I even ate two pizzas. When my husband travels, this becomes a very serious issue because it means there's no scheduling conflict; it's a food free-for-all for 2-3 days and the only person I'm accountable to is me (which, at least in the past, has been a big issue).
Next up, there can’t be a paper trail. My husband takes care of our budget at the end of each month and, as such, he’s got full access to my accounts. He can see where I used my debit card, so I have to make sure I’ve got enough cash to pay for my binge on the scheduled day; I draw a little extra at the grocery store each visit to ensure I have it ready for the day. That way it looks like we're spending at the grocery store, or that I withdrew a little money from the ATM, and he won't think anything of it. Thankfully he's never asked, because if he did I know I couldn't lie to him about it. Even if I could, I'm a really terrible liar, which I guess is a good thing (though it means I'm kept out of the loop on things like surprise parties).
Why am I writing all of this out? Well, today I got my email notification, which I set up last month, reminding me that today was my binge day. It feels so wrong now that I’m writing it all out, but it’s been a pattern for a long time for me. I know this can’t be normal and I feel ashamed of myself. At the same time I’m hoping that by eating well today and sticking to it, instead of binging, that I’ll break the cycle. Even now as the day is drawing to an end and my husband is home I'm thinking about that binge, mixed feelings on it. I miss it, but at the same time I feel sort of proud of myself for not doing it. Sounds so strange though, to be proud that I'm not lying and stuffing myself to the point I'm in pain? Yeah, that's something to be proud of, 99% of the rest of the world is doing the exact same thing, I'm not patting them on the back for it.
First and foremost, it needs to be done privately; no husband or anyone else around to interfere or witness it. This means that I have to schedule my binges, that’s right, schedule a time when I’ll eat my feelings. I want to make sure I have the afternoon off, and that my husband won’t be coming home early to interrupt or catch me. These binges are large amounts of food (e.g. an entire large pizza + side + a sweet to follow up) so it’s a long process to eat all of it—usually around 5 hours, but way too much food and I’m usually uncomfortable or in pain when I'm finally finished. Once I even ate two pizzas. When my husband travels, this becomes a very serious issue because it means there's no scheduling conflict; it's a food free-for-all for 2-3 days and the only person I'm accountable to is me (which, at least in the past, has been a big issue).
Next up, there can’t be a paper trail. My husband takes care of our budget at the end of each month and, as such, he’s got full access to my accounts. He can see where I used my debit card, so I have to make sure I’ve got enough cash to pay for my binge on the scheduled day; I draw a little extra at the grocery store each visit to ensure I have it ready for the day. That way it looks like we're spending at the grocery store, or that I withdrew a little money from the ATM, and he won't think anything of it. Thankfully he's never asked, because if he did I know I couldn't lie to him about it. Even if I could, I'm a really terrible liar, which I guess is a good thing (though it means I'm kept out of the loop on things like surprise parties).
Why am I writing all of this out? Well, today I got my email notification, which I set up last month, reminding me that today was my binge day. It feels so wrong now that I’m writing it all out, but it’s been a pattern for a long time for me. I know this can’t be normal and I feel ashamed of myself. At the same time I’m hoping that by eating well today and sticking to it, instead of binging, that I’ll break the cycle. Even now as the day is drawing to an end and my husband is home I'm thinking about that binge, mixed feelings on it. I miss it, but at the same time I feel sort of proud of myself for not doing it. Sounds so strange though, to be proud that I'm not lying and stuffing myself to the point I'm in pain? Yeah, that's something to be proud of, 99% of the rest of the world is doing the exact same thing, I'm not patting them on the back for it.
