I'm back.
I hope some of you remember me, but hello to the new faces. This is my new diary, my new start.
I'm one of those people who gave up. I did well for awhile, and then everything crashed and burned...and I am right back where I started for the most part. My inclination is to be really upset with myself...disappointed, let down, etc. However, I have to stop and just move forward.
I've made some changes that I truly believe have changed me. Since I was 12, I have been depending on medication to sleep. I just from one medication to the next, and the past two years I was taking a particularly bad one where I had to continually increase the dosage. I thought it was a miracle that something could turn off my mind, knock me out, and give me some kind of rest. However, I denied the long term negative effects: Lethary, stress, inability to lose weight, anxiety, depression, etc.
Last week, I stopped the medication cold turkey. Maybe not the most pleasant way to come off of it, but I just had to. The first few days were hell. I was dizzy, nauseous, sleepless, and going through periods of eating nothing then eating everything.
But now I am starting to feel a little better. A certain pressure or maybe tightness on my entire mind and body has started to fade and the persistent fog that I've been in for years is lifting. For the first time in a long time, I feel joy everyday. It is amazing.
I've also reflected that I struggle deeply with perfectionism. I either have to be super thin or I am a failure in my own mind. There's no middle ground. I am the same way at work and in every other part of my life. In the end, it just ends up leading to great stress and ultimately sabotaging me.
Anyways, I want to truly get past all of these issues for once and for all.
For now, I have no goal. No number to hit. I figure I'm around 160 pounds right now. I'm not obese but I am not thin either. Maybe weighing on the 1st and the 15th of the month will be useful?
For now, I just want to live everyday with the goal to be better. I'm not sure how it will work out yet...I'm not sure how often I'll weigh or what my diet will look like. I have to re-learn what it means to be healthy, learn to appreciate my desire for food and nutrition instead of fear it, and embrace the movement of my own body.
For now I am going to try a month-by-month trial of different things that may (or may not) be great tools to turn to when I am stressed out. I don't think I do well with rigid diets, but this might work. Sort of a mind/body/soul approach.
August Plan
Meditate daily upon rising and resting: I've always told myself that there is no way I could possibly meditate; that I am too anxious, my mind is too active, and that it is not really good for anything. However, I'd like to challenge myself to try to meditate for all of August. Even at times when it seems useless or I'm not sure what I'm doing. If at the end of the month it turns out to just be a silly exercise, so be it.
Eat real food: This needs little explanation. But I truly need to focus less on convenience of my food and more on the quality of it.
Be active at least 30 minutes/day, rain or shine: There's no excuse. I live in a great city, blocks from a Great Lake (literally), and it is freaking summer out!
Be creative: I have wonderful but consumer and at times stressful job (software development). While there is room for creativity within the confines of my job, sometimes I just want to get all craftsy. A few months back I painted furniture over the course of a few days and found myself thrilled to be consumed by something more relaxing/less serious than my 9-5 work. Maybe it means gardening, baking (healthy, of course), or making something. Who knows. Anything goes. I want to always have a creative focus.
Sorry for the ramble. I've thought constantly of this place in my brief absence.
Please have me back?
~Camila~
I hope some of you remember me, but hello to the new faces. This is my new diary, my new start.
I'm one of those people who gave up. I did well for awhile, and then everything crashed and burned...and I am right back where I started for the most part. My inclination is to be really upset with myself...disappointed, let down, etc. However, I have to stop and just move forward.
I've made some changes that I truly believe have changed me. Since I was 12, I have been depending on medication to sleep. I just from one medication to the next, and the past two years I was taking a particularly bad one where I had to continually increase the dosage. I thought it was a miracle that something could turn off my mind, knock me out, and give me some kind of rest. However, I denied the long term negative effects: Lethary, stress, inability to lose weight, anxiety, depression, etc.
Last week, I stopped the medication cold turkey. Maybe not the most pleasant way to come off of it, but I just had to. The first few days were hell. I was dizzy, nauseous, sleepless, and going through periods of eating nothing then eating everything.
But now I am starting to feel a little better. A certain pressure or maybe tightness on my entire mind and body has started to fade and the persistent fog that I've been in for years is lifting. For the first time in a long time, I feel joy everyday. It is amazing.
I've also reflected that I struggle deeply with perfectionism. I either have to be super thin or I am a failure in my own mind. There's no middle ground. I am the same way at work and in every other part of my life. In the end, it just ends up leading to great stress and ultimately sabotaging me.
Anyways, I want to truly get past all of these issues for once and for all.
For now, I have no goal. No number to hit. I figure I'm around 160 pounds right now. I'm not obese but I am not thin either. Maybe weighing on the 1st and the 15th of the month will be useful?
For now, I just want to live everyday with the goal to be better. I'm not sure how it will work out yet...I'm not sure how often I'll weigh or what my diet will look like. I have to re-learn what it means to be healthy, learn to appreciate my desire for food and nutrition instead of fear it, and embrace the movement of my own body.
For now I am going to try a month-by-month trial of different things that may (or may not) be great tools to turn to when I am stressed out. I don't think I do well with rigid diets, but this might work. Sort of a mind/body/soul approach.
August Plan
Meditate daily upon rising and resting: I've always told myself that there is no way I could possibly meditate; that I am too anxious, my mind is too active, and that it is not really good for anything. However, I'd like to challenge myself to try to meditate for all of August. Even at times when it seems useless or I'm not sure what I'm doing. If at the end of the month it turns out to just be a silly exercise, so be it.
Eat real food: This needs little explanation. But I truly need to focus less on convenience of my food and more on the quality of it.
Be active at least 30 minutes/day, rain or shine: There's no excuse. I live in a great city, blocks from a Great Lake (literally), and it is freaking summer out!
Be creative: I have wonderful but consumer and at times stressful job (software development). While there is room for creativity within the confines of my job, sometimes I just want to get all craftsy. A few months back I painted furniture over the course of a few days and found myself thrilled to be consumed by something more relaxing/less serious than my 9-5 work. Maybe it means gardening, baking (healthy, of course), or making something. Who knows. Anything goes. I want to always have a creative focus.
Sorry for the ramble. I've thought constantly of this place in my brief absence.
Please have me back?
~Camila~
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