been there..done that..can I do it again

E

elizabethsews

New member
I am so cross. Since Christmas I have let myself go, and in one month almost eaten myself out of my lovely new clothes. Oh! how could I!!

This time three years ago, February 2005 something clicked and I began the fiercest and most successful diet of my life. In three months I lost about 25 kg. I literally stopped eating, ingesting only fluids and watched the fat just sort of melt away. I swam and exercised and by May 6th 2005 I reached 70 kg and a degree of happiness and pride in my body that I never ever experienced in my whole life.

In the last three years often a few kilos would creep up, but then I could take them off.
Nothing like the sad old days when I would eat and hate the act of eating, not enjoy what I ate but be unable to stop myself.

Being so proud of my lovely new shape I could go to parties and not even want to eat the goodies. I could choose not to eat something so I could eat something else! Could say “it was a big weekend I will need to go easy today” and I would! I chose to do lots of exercise; gym, aerobics classes, swimming etc. I loved the feeling of being fit and of getting strong.

When a few kilos crept on again the familiar feelings of self hatred, and depression came back along with the weight. But each time I lost it I stood tall, superior, in control.

I started this Christmas and summer season at 72kg, 2 kg over my ‘clothes fit me happy weight’! Then holidays, parties and no exercise classes saw me weigh in this morning at 75 kg. I hated each out of control mouthful I ate but did it anyway. I lay around slack and idle and felt like a slob and did it anyway. I was helpless, depressed and so unhappy!

I have got to go back to 2005, and focus my whole energy on losing those rotten 5 kg. I am so unhappy. Shirts are straining over big breasts. A round tummy is making skirts too tight to wear. Clingy T shirts reveal rolls of flab above my waist, and around the back of my bras. Five kg of fat means my size 12 clothes are confined to the wardrobe and I am wearing 14s and even 16s again.

It is back to two optifast meals a day and only having fluids for snacks and emergency ‘I have just got to eat something’ moments.
It is back to at least five by one hour high intensity exercise sessions a week.

I did it today.
Please let me do it tomorrow. Please.
 
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You can do this!
You've done it before so you know its possible!!
You sound like a very determinded person as you've been successful in the past. Just use your determination again to work off those few kgs/lbs that you need to get rid of.
What have you got to loose apart from pounds.
I would say I hope you achieve tomorrow and the rest of the days but I think you can if you've done it before!
Good luck!
 
thank you

Thank you Pinketnies,

Sometimes i can be a determined person and it is all to do with how i am feeling.

Right now is day three of really low calories and exercise each day and i am still feeling good about it. I really appreciate your reply. I am just amazed by how many new people are starting diaries and how busy this site is. i have never diaried up on the net before but as soon as i found this site and saw how genuine it was and how many real people i could actually relate to wrote in i knew that keeping a diary here would help tip me over and keep me going in that determined mode.

I balance out a bit of 'hungry' against a lot of 'feel good' and am confident that with this fabulous new support to help me keep going I will make it.
 
pre operation

Am feeling hungry and really cannot eat anything. I’ve got a colonoscopy/small bowel biopsy on Tuesday and today, two days before the procedure I am on light meals with no fibre. Optifast and a banana will do it for tea.
I went for a swim yesterday, the first in our local pool, unheated, since I put on weight and I had to force myself to put the bathers on and go. Pride drove me! The water was lovely and I managed 16 laps, 6 more than the minimum I promised myself I would do and came home cool and refreshed and able to face the evening more easily.

Like many binge eaters I blow it when I get emotionally upset… and so far since Thursday morning my life has been tranquil. That has made it easy for me to start. Although I am trying very hard to be assertive and let my husband know what upsets me I still internalize the angst and still eat in an attempt to comfort myself.

I like to weigh myself regularly. I used to do it every three days and keep track, but last year stopped the keeping track bit. It is amazing how easy it is to fool myself into fudging the previous figure on the scales. I am pretty useless with numbers anyway and don’t have a hope of remembering the last weigh in unless I write it down. So this year I bought a little pocket diary that lives in a bathroom drawer. January showed enough comments like ‘pigged out’ or ‘’did nothing all day to indicate, to myself at least, that something was wrong.

What is obvious is that I only feel secure if I am facing a shorter period of diet. I can actually manage to maintain my weight loss and stay within touch of ‘goal’ for months on end; its all to do with how I feel about myself. Holidays are always difficult. Beach towns, fish and chips, cafes lollies just down at the caravan park kiosk! Add to that stress over family get togethers and some medical stuff and I gave myself an excuse to weaken.

Any rate I weighed in yesterday at 73.6 and won’t give in yet. Tomorrow I am allowed two light zero fibre meals and then clear fluids only till the 4 litres of muck I have to drink on Tuesday morning. My poor old bowel will I believe be windy and sore until I get back to normal…that will keep me away from gym and aerobics I guess so I hope the lack of food will balance out the lack of exercise. I wonder how I will manage it. I hate coming out of anaesthetic even the light dose you get with a short ‘day’ procedure.

I am going to have a swim now, look I have written it down and now will have to do it. I am posting this before I change my mind!
 
hooray for colonoscopys

This morning I weighed myself I had been hoping that the two days of light meals I had to go through before my colonsoscopy would result in some weight loss and phew! it did, I am down to 72.8. That is 0.8 kg higher than the top limit I permitted myself to reach over the last three years before I reacted. At my lowest weight 68kg, I dreamt of making 70kg the danger signal limit but in fact I quickly found that 72 was where I settled easily. So you can see that in my terms the nausea making drinking of 4 litres of glycoprop in 3 hours, the forced clean out of the colon, and the anaesthetic was worth it.

The gastroenterologist said the inside of my bowel and tummy look just normal and I only now need to wait for biopsy results. Niggling worries about the presence of bowel cancer and villi damage, both possible consequences of being a coeliac who is not 100% perfect in her diet. I blissed out with a bowl of comforting curry for tea but when I found myself eating two biscuits I realised I was too tired or dopey from the procedure to be safe to myself and actually went to bed before damaging my self esteem even further.

Today I went to the gym and worked hard enough to break out in a sweat..that is truly a fantastic feeling to know I am doing something I consider strong determined athletic people do; not people like me. Weak! Flabby! How can a person have two such contradictory views of themselves at the same time. I looked at myself in step aerobics Monday morning and saw that I could work as hard as the fit 40 year olds and feel strong and not too puffed, I kept going for a half hour extra in the walk aerobics class with friends and women of my age and was still working hard. Yeah, ok, I felt proud of myself and my achievements but the minute I cannot force my body to do 5 minutes of really fast running on the treadmill (and I just can’t force myself over the pain) I feel weak again.

I’ve got a flabby tummy and floppy arms and rolls of fat like everyone who is overweight and when I weigh 70, 71 or 72.0 kg they are still there (if a bit smaller) and yet I can feel smart and good-looking.

Moods, moods, moods; is that why I can think two contradictory things about myself in the same minute. I am a pessimist and a perfectionist and unable to protect myself from hurt and when I am feeling bad I try to lose myself in food, in books and these days even in computer games!!!!!!!!!! What a confession!!!
 
keeping going

Weighed in friday 72.6, yesterday 72.2, today Sunday,72.6.

Fluid? effect of two corn cobs? getting colon working again? no gym on weekends?

It doesn't matter i am still going ok with my food intake. In the late afternoons I get the screaming heebies and want to eat but so far have managed to postpone eating long enough to make it through to tea. Then i am fine again.


On Thursday my doctor said that weight loss meals are generally very full of gums to keep your tummy full and you happy and therefore they actually muck up your digestive system a lot. Well i sort of knew that but had avoided the consequence of the knowledge. I should stop with the optifast and find some other method of regulating what i eat that i can live with. It is so so easy to differentiate between only drinking and not eating. It is so so hard to stop after one or two bites of real food.

I picked up a magazine with an article on one, two or three day crash diets. That might have some tips for me. But i i can't quite face reading it now.

The goal is still 68kg but is being modified by the words 'end of February or whatever comes first'

Roll on Monday and step aerobics class!
 
crash dieter

My name is Leslie and I have been seriously on a diet since 2/25/08. I weigh 158lbs and I am 5'3". I am happy with myself (sometimes). When I put on clothes and check myself out, I have a pot belly. I just want it to go away. I think I am obsessed with myself. I am always looking up new diets and fads on the internet. I am always buying weight loss pills.

This week has changed: I am eating in moderation and the only pills I take are multi vitamins. I bought an elliptical and put it in my livingroom. I always hated leaving the house to go workout. I never liked gyms because I would feel like everyone was looking at me. It was probably me looking at everybody, wishing I could look like that. I try to workout 30 min a day.

If anybody has encouraging news for me let me know. I am desperate and wish it was all over with today. I know realistically it will take time, and to be patient.

Wish me luck and I will give it back
 
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