Becky's Diary

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NewWoman

New member
I am at a point I need to take action-I need to hold myself accountable honestly and here is a great way to do it! I have already met so many of my goals but feel myself getting more and more frustrated, and choosing eating as my coping for stress and boredom. The cycle of self loathing is creeping back into my life. I ruin a day of progress with my inability to control myself. I work out in the morning, eat very well all day and sensible for dinner then start snacking...candy, a cookie here or there...I have now backslid and regained 9 lbs, becoming more depressed and need new support. Today I need fresh motivation, I need renewed enthusiasm!

Where I was:
January 2016 Size 20 208 lbs 5ft tall, recently diagnosed diabetic, high cholesterol, miserable!
February-started eating better lost 8 lbs
March- : Joined a gym and a free running group and started a couch to 5k program. Began drinking Atkins shakes in morning, and Atkins meal for lunch daily to control carbs and sugar. Ate salad and a meat every night with my family, lots of water feeling a bit better
April- discovered marital problems (husband cheating on me) additional motivation to take control of my weight and self esteem.
May- ran my first 5k (walked some) down to 184 lbs, started individual counseling for marriage issues
June to August- went to individual counseling (my world crashed due to infidelity) took charge of my weight, lost total of 58 pounds since January! Went from a size 20 to a size 10 (working on marriage in reconciliation, doing well)
September-October Stall, Stall Stall FRUSTRATION then...slowly gaining weight

Now: gained 9 lbs :( snacking more, sneaking food again, hungry, loosing motivation, getting very frustrated at myself, feel out of control again!

What is my plan? I downloaded the myfitnesspal app to track my calories, I plan on putting the Halloween candy out of my reach and throwing away the leftover birthday cake I have been snacking on the past week. I have to go back to my basics of low carb. I generally eat very healthy but I have started using ranch on my salad and avocado so both of those are now out...
I plan to write here in my journal, post on other's chats to give motivation and take advice here whenever it is given!
I also plan to start reading to keep me from snacking and give myself a little goal to reach in the evening.

Goal 145 pounds size 8 pants and stay that way!!!!! I haven't been a size 8 in almost 20 years but today I am a size 10 and haven't been this healthy since I was in college (15 years ago) so I know I can do it and I hope to help others while I am here!
 
Hi, Becky & welcome to the forum. You have been through an emotional rollercoaster by the sounds of it.
NewWoman said:
Now: gained 9 lbs :( snacking more, sneaking food again, hungry, loosing motivation, getting very frustrated at myself, feel out of control again!
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I know I snack when I get stressed or worried. It's not called eating then, it's called "stuffing my face" & it's horrible. It sure doesn't help any. We all need to learn to really love ourselves & nurture our bodies. I think that is one of the keys to maintaining a healthy weight.
Congratulations honey on getting down to a size 10. Being able to say that's the healthiest you have been since college 15 years ago is absolutely awesome. Well done. Maintain your focus on being healthy & fit. Maybe do some extra exercise at night when you feel like snacking. You deserve to feel good about yourself. Welcome to our part of the world Becky. Cheers, Cate.
 
Well I did great yesterday and lost 1 1/2 this morning. As usual I already messed it up snacking today out of boredom. Doing extra squats to try to burn off the calories I ate sitting here waiting for customers
 
What is my plan? I downloaded the myfitnesspal app to track my calories said:
I use myfitnesspal and find it very useful to keep track and to look back on what I've been eating. Stay strong and stay positive! You got this! :hurray:
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Want to cry, so angry at myself. Over the weekend I binged terribly, eating some of just about anything I could put in my mouth. I am so ashamed. Cant tell my husband, I think he is getting tired of me obsessing about my weight just to unravel it. My lowest was 150 I am up to 163! I did go running with the family Sunday and ran 2.6 miles I didn't look at the scale today because I negated my sweat and hard work with popcorn and nut mix last night. I ate so much I made myself throw up. I have only done that a few times in my life and I know how bad it is to do, but after eating until I was stuffed I just became so disgusted with myself I had to do something. I had a good workout at the gym this morning and I am back on track with my apple cider vinager and then my protein shake for breakfast. I am literally dreading going home. I can control it here at work but at home I allow myself to spin out of control. How could I do so well for so long only to sabotage myself so badly now? OK holding back the tears...tonight I am going to A- Eat dinner then no snacking B- do some light exercise while I watch TV to keep from snacking C- go to bed early. Can't keep feeling so bad about myself, the depression is just making me want to eat more...
 
I feel ya, lovely. I'm always good as gold at work or out and about but once I'm through that door (and no one can see me for the beastly binge eater I can be!) I'll often eat far too much despite not being hungry. I ate 7 string cheeses on Saturday night...SEVEN! No one needs that much string cheese. But come here, tell us about it, have an early night, relax, and DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. In the scheme of things my lovely it doesn't matter - this does not make you a weak person, or a bad person . It's a slip up. You went running on Sunday (2.6 miles is great!). Read your first post again...208lbs you started at.. Be proud of yourself - that self-hate will only make you want to binge more. You are in control. You are doing this. You are not perfect. Be kind to yourself x
 
Thank you Sunflower! I really needed to hear your kind words today! seven string cheeses lol, yep you and I are one in the same! Thank you for your encouragement! I really needed this forum more than I thought. It feels better to be able to be honest, and have others know where you are coming from. My hubby will never understand he doesn't have the same struggle I do. The important thing is to get back on track. Today is a new day! Right? Thank you again!
 
& :iagree: with absolutely everything that Sunflower said. Everything. You can do this NW. You ARE doing this. No-one is perfect hon xo
 
...and me.

I'm very glad you're seeing a counsellor; could you perhaps have a talk about coping mechanisms? Maybe they can help you find more constructive ways of dealing with all that happened this year. Losing weight can be scary! What if you reach your goal weight and nothing changes? (Other than that you'll feel healthier and have more fun shopping for clothes, both of which are awesome.)
 
Welcome to the forum! This is a good place to unload. We are nothing but supportive here. I think we have been there. Binge eating is something I think most of us do or did. Give yourself a break and just let it go. Is there something triggering the impulse to over eat? Mine was always stress. I agree with LaMa- it is good you are seeing a counselor. Someone to talk to can help a lot.
 
Ive found it really helpful to be on here because often my husband doesnt understand, hes never needed to lose weight and hes not an emotional eater.
We all get the binge eating here, before I came on here I was eating a pack of biscuits and 2 packets of chips in a sitting everyday, I honestly dont know how I didnt weigh more!

Try and identify your triggers and think about ways to prevent the binge before it happens. Eg. If I am feeling emotional i will go for a walk, call someone, be artistic- basically any other outlet than food. And I dont go shopping after midday because my willpower is not as strong as the morning and I will buy junk.

We all have our moments of overeating, the most important thing is that you pick yourself up and keep going and learn how to do better next time. Making mistakes is part of the process, dont be so hard on yourself
 
Thank you everyone for all your support. The past few days I have been trying your suggestions and my behavior is improving. I started a puzzle in the dining room so as I watch tv I will wonder back and forth to the puzzle instead of the refrigerator. I did snack some after dinner Monday night but didn't go overboard, and last night I didn't eat one thing after dinner!!! I ate 1500 callories Monday but only 1020 Tuesday! I am feeling a bit stronger today, and the scale is showing my effort too! I have lost 3 lbs since Sunday. My counselor suggested I write down every time I say something negative to myself, like when I see a pretty woman and think about how weak I am, or when I look at myself in the mirror and focus on my fat thinking "why would my husband find me attractive" I am realizing I self hate more than I thought I did. After I write it down he suggested I then act as my best friend would...what would I say to my best friend if she said that about herself- Responses like "you are working so hard, the weight will come off" or "you can't compare yourself to other women, we are all unique" that part is harder than I thought too but it is making me more mindful of how I bring myself down in my own head. I have also been thinking of triggers, (Katy) for me I think it is boredom mixed with availability and sneakiness! I snack and binge when my husband falls asleep on the couch after dinner. I plan to attack this in three ways...1) I am short, so all sugary snacks need to go on the top shelf, 2) nightly exercises, I already work out every morning but doing light exercises as suggested above, leg lifts, crunches even stretches will help me not eat. 3) if the puzzle doesn't work get out of the living room...go in my bedroom and start reading a book I have been meaning to start for a year now, or go hang out with my son in his room. I reread my goals from my first entry...not doing so well with them, Halloween candy is mostly gone, avocado on my salads still (I love it so much) ranching it up less though, got some low calorie alternative I really like. LaMaria asked a question I really hadn't thought about... My husband cheated on me for several reasons most his own insecurities and self esteem issues but my weight was a sad part of it. Intimacy was hard, I had difficulty breathing at times for one. I was, in fact, less attractive and I can see why he wanted to be with women he found attractive (not an excuse but just reality) what if things don't change? Well I have to make them change...and he has to also. I know he is proud of all the work I have done, which makes me feel good about myself, but it seems when I slip up I have even more fears because of the added concern he will stray again if I gain it back. He is going to counseling too, working on the reasons he cheated to ensure he doesn't again...and promises every single day it was the worst mistake he ever made and would never do it again. I think doing these 5k races and making exercise a part of me will help things change. It brings my self esteem up to be part of a group of runners, be one of them! Even if my marriage falls apart tomorrow I thing I am facilitating change in my own life that will allow me to be strong enough to start over. At least that is how I feel today...
 
NewWoman said:
I think doing these 5k races and making exercise a part of me will help things change. It brings my self esteem up to be part of a group of runners, be one of them! Even if my marriage falls apart tomorrow I thing I am facilitating change in my own life that will allow me to be strong enough to start over. At least that is how I feel today...
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I like these sentences. I also like that you realize that your weight was not the reason for what happened. But what I like most is that your husband is aware that he screwed up and hurt you and is working on himself to make sure it doesn´t happen again.
 
NewWoman said:
My counselor suggested I write down every time I say something negative to myself, like when I see a pretty woman and think about how weak I am, or when I look at myself in the mirror and focus on my fat thinking "why would my husband find me attractive" I am realizing I self-hate more than I thought I did. After I write it down he suggested I then act as my best friend would...what would I say to my best friend if she said that about herself-
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Best advice ever.
I took this on board years ago & am now much kinder to myself & consequently less likely to sabotage myself with unhealthy food & self-deprecating self-talk.
?
"I think doing these 5k races and making exercise a part of me will help things change. It brings my self-esteem up to be part of a group of runners, be one of them! Even if my marriage falls apart tomorrow I thing I am facilitating change in my own life that will allow me to be strong enough to start over. At least that is how I feel today..."
LaMa said- "I like these sentences. I also like that you realize that your weight was not the reason for what happened. But what I like most is that your husband is aware that he screwed up and hurt you and is working on himself to make sure it doesn´t happen again."
:iagree: whole-heartedly with LaMa (again). Marriages are always a work in progress, as are we as individuals. I love that you feel you are becoming stronger! Go you xoxo
 
Even if my marriage falls apart tomorrow I thing I am facilitating change in my own life that will allow me to be strong enough to start over. At least that is how I feel today...

wow. If more people thought like this...just wow. I was divorced at 26 (left when I was 22) and it was like my world crumbled around me. I wish - I seriously wish - someone would have said "you are facilitating changes in your own life that are allowing you to be strong enough to start over".

And it's okay to feel that way today and feel horrible tomorrow - it happens. We're people - not robots. heck, I start out some days feeling like superwoman and then, after a bad day, I feel like the gum she stepped in. It sucks! But as I keep exercising and eating healthy and getting through each struggle in a way that is healthy and not food oriented, I have less icky days.

You're doing amazingly well. Marriage is hard, weight loss and getting healthy is hard, being human is...well, that's hard too. You're doing great!
 
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