any problems with this?

K

Khris107

0
Hi guys My friend is wanting to place an ad in the local newspaper , promoting himself as a Personal Trainner, However he has wrote up this statment and he wants to know if there are any faults within it or anything that could be taken away or added to make it more attractive?

here it is:

"
--Personal Training Service--

Ever wanted to Burn fat, Tone up or Build Muscle but just dont have the time to visit a
health club & money to finance an expensive membership?
If so Im a 21 yr old male, Highly Educated in Health & Fitness, I offer one to one training
sessions which are enjoyable & will target your individual problems. Rates range from £15-£25 per hour depending on location.

What do you get:
-1 hr Training Session (your home or your local Gym)
-Designed for you Nutrition plan & Training schedule
-Weekly Progress reports
-24/7 callouts
-Tell a friend (50% Off for 2 sessions)
For your free half hr consulatation Please contact Gary on: 90773658"
 
I'd recommend that he have someone correct the grammar and spell all the words correctly (but NOT with a spellchecker).

PM me and I'll edit it for you. I'm litter it.
 
g8r80 said:
I'd recommend that he have someone correct the grammar and spell all the words correctly (but NOT with a spellchecker).

PM me and I'll edit it for you. I'm litter it.
Click to expand...

What is grammatically wrong with it? I cant see of any spelling or grammer errors in this statment?
 
Yeah, the caps are out of control. Like here "Burn fat, Tone up or Build Muscle" and here "Designed for you Nutrition plan & Training schedule" and here "Weekly Progress reports"
 
And here Highly Educated in Health & Fitness

And this should be two sentences:

If so Im a 21 yr old male, Highly Educated in Health & Fitness, I offer one to one training sessions which are enjoyable & will target your individual problems.

"consulatation" = "consultation"

Seriously, I'm just trying to help.
 
Try this on for size

Khris107 said:
Hi guys My friend is wanting to place an ad in the local newspaper , promoting himself as a Personal Trainner, However he has wrote up this statment and he wants to know if there are any faults within it or anything that could be taken away or added to make it more attractive?

here it is:

"
--Personal Training Service--

Ever wanted to Burn fat, Tone up or Build Muscle but just dont have the time to visit a
health club & money to finance an expensive membership? Sentence runs on. As Der mentioned, why the random capitalization? Also, I always put a comma before "but" and an apostrophe in "dont" (do not is even better).


If so Im a 21 yr old male, Highly Educated in Health & Fitness, I offer one to one training
sessions which are enjoyable & will target your individual problems. Rates range from £15-£25 per hour depending on location.

Needs comma after "so", apostrophe in Im (I am is better). This sentence is disjointed. This makes more sense: If so, I am a male trainer (leave out your age) who is highly educated in health and fitness. I offer one-to-one training sessions which are enjoyable and will target your individual problems. Next sentence is okay.

What do you get:
-1 hr Training Session (your home or your local Gym) Change hr to hour
-Designed for you Nutrition plan & Training schedule Change you to your - delete caps
-Weekly Progress reports no caps
-24/7 callouts What is a callout? A callgirl?
-Tell a friend (50% Off for 2 sessions) Get rid of caps, who gets the 50% off?
For your free half hr consulatation Please contact Gary on: change hr to hour, consulation to consultation, no caps, comma before please90773658"
Click to expand...

de nada
 
Last edited:
I would leave out the 21 yr old male part as the enduser is not looking for a pop star or a date. Look at other professional ads and see what they say.
 
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