Amsterdam's Diary!

[amsterdam1]

Hellooooo!! Wow, it's been a while, but I'm super happy to be back, and this time, for all the right reasons!
So let me introduce myself.. I'm and 18 year old female, currently a student. I'm 5'7" and I weigh 153 lbs, my heaviest. So wow. Where to begin?
Well, from about 15/16 I started to become obsessive over my weight, not to the point of becoming anorexic or going on crash diets or anything of the sort, but I started to inform myself about diets, calories, etc. I was about 135 lbs back then, and I dropped to about 127 lbs (my lightest weight). And then, I gained, gained, gained, until a stable 144 lbs.....and then BOOM, in your face, I was 149 lbs: One big reality check.
I joined this forum Dec 09, vowing to change my life for the better. And I did. I had my series of ups and downs, and I got down to 144 lbs again, and by the beginning of summer I was hitting the gym practically everyday, running 5K's and just being a good health nut I reached 139 lbs/
...
But i never kept it up, and I thus, gained back the weight, and here I am, today, weighing 153 lbs.
I know, maybe to some, these numbers are really small.. like "girl, what are you talking about? 144 lbs, I would've been happy". But see, I'm not, and I have a very small frame, and it's not healthy for me to stay at this state anyway.
I've counted calories, I did WW points, I've tried to purge numerous times, I've contemplated crash diets, etc. And now, my weight is all I think about. It's as though my head is playing games with me. My mind is tired, i'm mentally dead, if you want to put it that way. I can't stop thinking about all the numbers, everything that goes in my mouth, and everyday I say to myself "today, I'm gonna be good with food. I'm gonna pack a super yummy and healthy lunch and everything is gonna go great"... well when I come back home, I binge. Nowadays, I binge atleast 4-5 times a week. My sweet cravings have gone from lasting a few days, to lasting months. I don't even think you can call them cravings...it's just this feeling that I constantly have.

Also, my weight is causing me to always fight with my mom on comments she makes, such as, "Why can't you control yourself. it's easy...I can do, why can't you?" "Why do you eat so much?" blah blah blah, and sometimes my mom says "You're not eating enough. What's this lunch? That's all your bringing?" Blah blah blah. Same old story.

I can't take it anymore. I'm exhausted. I just want to be healthy again.
And I do have many problems:
-The first thing I notice in people: Their figure/weight. That's all I look at anymore
-I can start off the way on a super good note, but by the end of it, I just give up
-I cannot hold myself accountable...I will cheat on myself...WHAT THE FUCK!


SO....
MOVING ON.
I am motivated and ready to finally do it!
Motivation
-Becomign the health craze nut freak I used to be
-The super great body I have under all the flab
-My family coming to visit during Christmas for the first time!
-My birthday
-My big big big big trip back home to Iran next summer.


Well you must be thinking, amsterdam...what is your plan of action?
well, let me tell you!
-Eat 1200-1400 cals/day (about 5 meals a day)
-Exercise 3 times a week (signing up at the y again this weekend)
-And just take it one day at a time, one meal at a time
-Plan each day in advance

1. Answer these questions before starting your diary.

-- How much weight do you want to lose?
Go from 153 lbs to 133 lbs..so 20 lbs. But right now, my main goal is to lose 10 lbs

-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?

7 weeks

-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?

Explained above

-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?

This forum!!! I really hope so!

-- How realistic is your goal?
Honestly, 125 lbs is the golden number, but for now i'm sticking it with 133

-- When will you start?
RIGHT NOW!


I'm super sorry for the long ass post, I usually keep things short and sweet. But I had to vent. This has been on my chest for too long, and I hope I can have all of your support!!!

So I'm off to abirthday dinner, but I've already checked out the menu, and I'm gonna go healthy, and since I'm eating out, my golden rule is to only eat half of what they give, since the portions are usually insane, and they're super high in calories.

much love, will be updating soon
xx

 

[Cantona]

This is a rather odd scenario. I'm at my lighest, you're at your heaviest and we're the same weight and height. How strange.

Good luck!

Although I would say eating that little amount of calories is bad enough, but exercising as well is probably going to do you no good. That is basically a crash diet.

 

[amsterdam1]

This is a rather odd scenario. I'm at my lighest, you're at your heaviest and we're the same weight and height. How strange.

Good luck!

Although I would say eating that little amount of calories is bad enough, but exercising as well is probably going to do you no good. That is basically a crash diet.

Hey Cantona!
Thanks, congrats on your weight loss thus far by the way!!!
Mmm, well I'm gonna keep my calories at about 1300-1400 and adjust gradually. I tend to eat 1500 cals on days I exercise anyway.

________________________________________________

Hey everyone!
So today has been passing by well! I had a bowl of cereal in the morning, an apple, and I just had chicken + sauted veggies for lunch!
I'm just gonna take it one meal at a time and try to not feel so overwhelmed!

have a nice saturdayyyy (and hopefully, where you live isn't as cold as here!)

 

[amsterdam1]

Wow what a day. What a fucking day.
Woke up, started out with a good ol' cup of all bran(230), and then I was still a bit hungry so I had a banana (100)
About an hour later, I still had that hunger hinch, so I ate a yum pear (80). For lunch I had a tomato omelett with one pita bread (230). So over all, it wasn't that bad of a start to the day. I had two dates in between too (66)
I knew I was eating more than I should. It's not like if my stomach was screaming for food, like I could've not had the omelett (which was about 2-3 hours after breakfast)....

Anyways, needless to say that I got a pretty big slap in the face midway through the day, and I think everything was set in stone after that... I overheard my mom talking to a friend who's gonna come over to visit for a few weeks, and while she was asking what she should bring for me (i'm guessing some sort of clothing item) my mom was telling her, no it's gonna be too small....nope thats still small...yea she's FAT. WHAT THE FUCK. I was in the room right next to hers and she was talkng at a normal tone, until that point when she started to whisper. Honestly, right after that I just started to bawl.
You know, it's weird, and maybe it's just me thats delusional, but I think that I never realized how big I had become...I never grasped it, I just always imagined myself the same way I always had, and yes I am pissed at my mom, though she doesn't know why, but at the same time, what she said really set my priorities straight. I'm finally in it. And this time, I'm gonna get to reach my goal!

And I finished the day on a great note. I had a cup of lentil soul (250) with two servings of salad (100) and a cup of grapes (80)

TOTAL: 1247

 

[Laura F]

Obviously I have no idea what you look like, but I'm going to venture a guess and say your mother has an altered opinion of what "fat" means. As someone who is 5'7" and was 165 at her heaviest, I can hardly believe that you should be considered fat, at 153, regardless of how small your frame is. I also know that my opinion isn't going to mean much to you, but my suggestion is to try as hard as you can to remember that mom doesn't ALWAYS know best, and to make sure you're doing this weight loss thing for you and not for her.

Keep your head up, and know that you'll find support you need here on the board.

 

[jjjay]

I second what Laura says - it sounds to me like there are two things going on here that are bigger than what size you are and what frame you have. Firstly, your mum's attitude towards you and how that is making you feel. Secondly, your emotional relationship with food. I think losing weight / gain weight / losing weight probably isn't going to sort either of those out because you need to find a healthy balance for yourself and a place where you are happy with how you look and the choices that YOU are making for yourself.

Anyhow, good luck in achieving your goals - hope you find lots of support here!

 

[amsterdam1]

Obviously I have no idea what you look like, but I'm going to venture a guess and say your mother has an altered opinion of what "fat" means. As someone who is 5'7" and was 165 at her heaviest, I can hardly believe that you should be considered fat, at 153, regardless of how small your frame is. I also know that my opinion isn't going to mean much to you, but my suggestion is to try as hard as you can to remember that mom doesn't ALWAYS know best, and to make sure you're doing this weight loss thing for you and not for her.

Keep your head up, and know that you'll find support you need here on the board.

Thank you Laura. Body image is sort of distorted in my family, well especially between my mother and I. We both, my mom especially, tend to be very critical of ourselves and of our own bodies, so it's something that i've grown with, but hearing her actually say it so seriously, and.... i guess just the fact that she had to whisper really threw me off.
BUT YES, i am doing this for me, and thank you again!

I second what Laura says - it sounds to me like there are two things going on here that are bigger than what size you are and what frame you have. Firstly, your mum's attitude towards you and how that is making you feel. Secondly, your emotional relationship with food. I think losing weight / gain weight / losing weight probably isn't going to sort either of those out because you need to find a healthy balance for yourself and a place where you are happy with how you look and the choices that YOU are making for yourself.

Anyhow, good luck in achieving your goals - hope you find lots of support here!

Thank you jjjay! I really do want to do this for myself. This is something that I want to do and from which I'll learn improtant key elements that I
'll be able to keep for the rest of my life as a habit, such as a good eating habits, steady exercise, etc.

________________________________________________________________

Hey guys!
So here have been my calories for the past 3 days:
Monday: 1185
Tuesday: 1550
Today: 1725

....

I'm not giving up. I think, well I know some really big problems:
1) Eating any thing sweet in the morning completely throwms me off for the rest of the day. For example, this morning I had a dutch waffer (or however you call it, its just a sweet cookie made of two waffles and in between theres syrop and its all squished into a thin layer). Basically a family member came to visit and we got four batches of those goodies...and having one for breakfast was not a good idea.
2)Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. If theres one thing in the world that I will never say no to its cheese and chocolate. Plus we got dutch cheese... I'm in heaven. So I'm stuck. I know I should eat in moderation, but I have so much trouble controlling myself. I'm so compulsive. I'll think about my weight loss in my head and how I shouldn't have a piece..bt it'll be too late... THAT PIECE OF CHEESE WILL HAVE ALREADY BEEN IN MY MOUTH BY THE END OF MY THOUGHT.
3)Honestly, time. I need a structured schedule as to when I can eat something. Because if I eat 3/4 of my calories by 3 pm, I'm screwed.


Seriously, I'm so motivated to lose the weight. I really am. I just need to get a grip and do the things that need to be done in order to achieve my goal. And right now I just need to keep reminding myself that my birthday is coming up and that i am gonna lose those freakin 7 lbs!

Tomorrow is another day! I will hit the gym, eat well and come back on here to tell you all how well the day went

 

[Cantona]

Women are supposed to have 2000 calories a day. If you exercise and eat less than that, you should probably still be losing weight.

 

[Jesais]

Hey Amsterdam...sorry to hear you've been struggling. Good for you for not giving up!!

Sometimes if I don't eat to a point where I feel full I end up eating a lot more that day cause I'm always feeling hungry. Try having a healthy meal where you actually feel full after. That might help the cravings go away.

I know exactly how you feel. I used to be OBSESSED with food/weight/diet. It's like I wasn't good enough unless it was perfect. I would set unrealistic goals for myself and then be soooo dissapointed and binge to deal with it. It's not a fun way to live and it consumes you.

My suggestion is to work on being less critical of yourself. Read posts on here, ppl cheat and get back on the wagon and they're ok. It's not the end of the world.

I'm sorry you're mom is so critical. My mom says stuff to me too that is very very hurtful. At some point you just have to ignore it (MUCH easier said than done, I know). But you know how hard you're trying and from your height and weight description I can't imagine you're nearly as big as she says. I'm 5'8 and my ultimate goal is around 150...your mothers perception of "fat" is way off.

Hang in there. You can do this!

 

[amsterdam1]

Women are supposed to have 2000 calories a day. If you exercise and eat less than that, you should probably still be losing weight.

Hey Cantona!

That is the most logical answer, but it's not that easy to do. It's a lazy answer, but sadly it's the truth.

___________________________________________________

I know exactly how you feel. I used to be OBSESSED with food/weight/diet. It's like I wasn't good enough unless it was perfect. I would set unrealistic goals for myself and then be soooo dissapointed and binge to deal with it. It's not a fun way to live and it consumes you.

My suggestion is to work on being less critical of yourself. Read posts on here, ppl cheat and get back on the wagon and they're ok. It's not the end of the world.

Jesais (are you french? parlez-vous francais? )
Thanks... It has completely consumed me...and I cant take my mind off of it.... It's my only thought. It's extremely sad...

________________________________________________________________

Hey all.... it's a Friday night... a very chilly friday night, and I think i need some heart to heart, a real good honest talk with all of you and with myself.

So yes, this journey has been a very long one... since I was 15/16 and I am now tunring 19. As said in my first post, I was never a kid who was obsessed with weight... I mean I always thought I could lose a 5lbs, but I was more interessted by the science of it, like the calories, how to lose weight etc.
I always read magazines, like teen vogue, but I was never consumed by the thought of wanting to look stick thin... But slowly the idea creeped into my head. I became more critical, of everything, and EVERYONE. So critical, that I didn't criticize myself. I would just go around walking in school saying "wow her hips are huge." "why does she dress this way" "wow atleast I dont look like that" Of course I never said these things outloud... I was going through all of this in my head. I always thought, not to say perfect, but I never looked at myself in such a bad way, I guess I thought I looked normal/average (body wise).
But then I hit 16, and thats when the idea of having bones sticking out consumed me. I never went to the point of purging/starving/or having any type of eating disorder. I had done a lot of research on the topic and I always thought I was "too smart" to fall into that trap, which is completely ridiculous since eating disorders have no link to intelligence (I know, what a discovery. Call me Sherlock Holmes).
I did start to eat less and less, sometimes to just a banana a day with a dinner... I barely ate to the point of fainting in a store, I had become sick. But anyways I got back on the health track.
I was still always obsessed with models and how beautiful they looked. How nicely clothes just hanged loose on them. I still do. I guess it's just become a part of who I am. I love looking at magazines and how girls can wear layers and layers and still look thin, and here I am wearing a hoodie and a leather jacket and I feel like puffy man.
BUT YES I AM RAMBLING. ANyways, cutting to the chase, when I started working out this past summer, I also started to work in a clothing store (which shouldve been an even greater motivator, but rly it was my downfall). Indeed, my eating was completely offbalanced. I would do 8 hour shifts every day, and I would have a small lunch, come back home at 10pm and have supper, go to sleep and start all over again. And then, the sweet cravings kicked in, and I would go buy 4-5 chocolate bars after work and eat them wall. I'd also mention that I had a uniform at work, and the blazer and suit pants were a size 6... and I DID fit in them, but it was tight, and I was just so self-conscious but I didnt do crap about it.
The feeling of crap I'd get made me eat more chocolate bars....what a vicious cycle.

And now I'm the girl I never thought I'd be. The girl with the eating problems. Since school started, I've been doing something that I never really even thought I'd do. I had once read on a thinspiration website (I know), a tip explaining that I could eat say a slice of pizza, but I should spit it out. Saying this out loud, really shows how idiotic I was, but I did exactly that. I'd eat, HAVING THE INTENTION of only tasting the food. It's not as though it tasted bad and thats why I spit it out. To the contrary, if I want a cookie, I'd have 6 of them but spit them out. (i'm really sorry, if you're eating dinner and reading this).
So the past two days, i wasnt able to control my eating and what did I resort to? Eat/spit/eat/spit/eat/spit.... I'm actually losing it. I binge 4-5 times a week, and I do this eat/spit atleast once a day. With anything. Pizza, cookies, pastries, etc. BUT I MEAN WHATS THE POINT?! I know that carbs are absorbed right from the mouth, so I dont even know why Im doing it. Jesus.
I just want to have control of my life again. Control of my head. My actions. Everything. I'm like losing it and I know it. Theres this thing in my head, and it's just creeping into each and eveyroine of my thoughts, and it's about weight loss, its about being skinny, its about losing those 20 lbs.

I know it was a long post and I'm sort of cutting it so abruptly, but I guess I just wanted to pour my heart out, since NOBODY knows about this.
I just want control some sort of guidance, someone who'll be there to help me eat healthy again to control myself, to eat food and enjoy it, to eat in limited portions, to BE NORMAL.

it's weird to think that after all of these years, all I want now is to be normal.

Anyways, I'm off to think about what it is I truly want, and hopefully some of you brave ones are still reading this. To you guys, I say goodnight!

Cheers,
amsterdam.

 

[Jesais]

Bonjour Amsterdam, oui je parle un petite peux de francais. Je suis allee a une ecole francais immersion quand j'ete petite

 

[amsterdam1]

Ouh. It felt nice to get all I had in my chest out of the way. I feel as though that now that I've "publically" acknowledged my problem I can slwoly work to getting better and improve my eating habits

I've decided to put the "weight loss" at a hold, and rather concentrate on just eating right. period. With school and other activities, I already feel overwhelmed so having a goal weight loss... well isn't really helping. So I dont want to count calories and have to worrry about shit all the time.

SO instead I've decided to set up mini goals for myself. I'll start with daily goals just to get myself back on the right track in order to work on something from there.

GOAL FOR SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24th 2010:
-Eat a healthy meal for breakfast/lunch/dinner
-Only have one serving at each meal.
-Eat VERY VERY SLOWLYYYYYYYYYY
-Drink 3L of water
-Limit sweet intake to one item (dessert)

Those are my goals for tomorrow. Very simple and clean cut. We'll see how that goes! More updates to come!

 

[anna.banana]

Good luck with the goal.

One day at a time is a good mantra for all of us I think.

Anna

 

[Laura F]

Acknowledging a problem is an important first step, so I am glad to see you did that and are feeling better about it now. I agree that with school and whatnot weight loss goals can take up a lot more time than you have. I'm working a full-time job and doing grad school part-time, and it is definitely tough. I started with exercise and didn't think about calories for another month or so, and I think that was for the best. Best to take small steps and get better habits implemented one at a time, rather than try to shoot for too much and get overwhelmed.

Good luck with your Sunday goal!

 

[CryingRaven]

Amsterdam,
First let me say good luck in all your goals and dreams.
Second I wanted to ask you if there was any way you could find yourself a support group? Or maybe a therapist? I know that sounds harsh but I think it might be necessary in your case. I think there are deep issues that you need to deal with before your food problems can be salved. Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not calling you bad, or crazy, or anything negative. On the contrary I think you sound like a very nice young woman, who is smart and has a lot to offer this world.

I just think you should have the very best chance at getting over all of your issues. Everyone has baggage, just some people’s show more than others.

And another thing. Those pictures of women in the magazines are all fixed in Photo Shop. Sure they are skinny already but the editors make them look perfect in a way that no human ever can.

I hope I didn’t upset you. I know you are really trying to get a hold of this yourself. But it’s ok to ask for help now and then. You already took your first step to getting better, by admitting you have a problem.

I’m cheering for you girl.

 

[amsterdam1]

Amsterdam,
First let me say good luck in all your goals and dreams.
Second I wanted to ask you if there was any way you could find yourself a support group? Or maybe a therapist? I know that sounds harsh but I think it might be necessary in your case. I think there are deep issues that you need to deal with before your food problems can be salved. Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not calling you bad, or crazy, or anything negative. On the contrary I think you sound like a very nice young woman, who is smart and has a lot to offer this world.

I just think you should have the very best chance at getting over all of your issues. Everyone has baggage, just some people’s show more than others.

And another thing. Those pictures of women in the magazines are all fixed in Photo Shop. Sure they are skinny already but the editors make them look perfect in a way that no human ever can.

I hope I didn’t upset you. I know you are really trying to get a hold of this yourself. But it’s ok to ask for help now and then. You already took your first step to getting better, by admitting you have a problem.

I’m cheering for you girl.

Hey CryingRaven!
No worries, I really didn't take it badly. I knew I had to go see someone, I just really always hope that I'd be able to take control of my life on my own.
Yea, girls are photoshopped, this I found out when I was young, but I think as I grew older, the idea of wanting to look like that just creeped in my head, regardless of whether or not those girls were photoshopped had paid trainers or whatver.

But thanks again, what you said meant a lot! And i really mean it
_______________________________________________________

Hey everyone,

So after a long rollercoaster and an endless battle with what seemed to be myself, I finally consulted a guidance counsellor at school. I oculdn't take it anymore. The more time passed, the more I kept thinking about food, calories, my image, food, calories, my image, food, calories, my image.
I woke up this morning at 7:30 (i'd usually wake up at 7 to have breakfast) but now I felt SO FULL this morning, but I went in the kitchen and I had bread and nutella. WTF, fo what? What made me do that? I don't know, and I guess I need to find that out for myself.
I then went to class, and I should've been paying attention to what my chem teacher was saying, but instead I was looking around comparing myself to other girsl in the class, trying to make myself seem smaller...
I couldn't take it. So i just went in the guidance counsellor's office and burst into tears... And i never felt better. I didn't realize how much shit I had to let go of. I really didn't. And I think this is gonna be one step towards getting better mentally, and hopefully soon enough, it'll all help me get better physically too.

Anyways, I probably won't update as oftence since my weight loss is at a halt, but I'll try to keep myself together until then.

much love, thanks to all

xx