A new day, a fresh perspective

L

Lilyofthevalley

Guest
Hey there. I'm Annie, maybe you followed me from my old journal, probably not (except for you, Mariah! *hugs if you ever come back*)
I just need to start over. I need to learn to love myself. I need to feel good about myself even when I don't like my body. I'm going to start being proactive about my mental issues, talking to my therapist and psychiatrist whenever I'm feeling just not quite right. I'm throwing away my fashion magazines that I was going to cut up for thinspiration. I'm getting over my idealistic idea of beauty and I'm going to start seeing beauty for what it really is. Beauty is the joy in someone's eye, the laughter of someone who is crying, the smile of someone who's just hoping tomorrow will be better. Beauty is not physical appearance, it is the spirit, heart, and soul of someone who is truly a good person.

Sure, I'd like to lose weight, but I need to start seeing my beauty. My intelligence, my kindness, and my ambition, things that other people see but I seem to be blind to. I need to love myself for what I am, not hate myself for what I am not. Beauty is not physical appearance. Beauty is not a rail-thin runway model, a cute bikini body, or perfect style. We all need to start accepting this. And when we do, the world will be full of beautiful people.

Start this journey with me. Teach yourself that it's not the end of the world if you don't lose weight. Together we can make the world beautiful. Why wait?
 
Wow, this sounds great! I will be reading this journal (I'd like to check out your old one too, if I can)!

Hey, I like your user name! My birth flower is the Lily of the Valley. Very nice:)

WillLose
 
Lilyofthevalley,

A fresh perspective can be life changing! I'm glad to see that you realize your joy and self worth is not defined by how you look. I'm sure you will still have your struggles, but just remember how you felt when you wrote this post... :)

Take care and hope to see you around!
Fit
 
:) I love lilies... that happens to be my last name (shhhhh!), too, with 3 ls, not 2... and I live in a valley!

:) Yes, I'm really working hard on this one. I have had difficulty in the past with body image. I lost 50 pounds and then got insecure and gained 40 back. Back to square one, I guess. I have decided to put the weight loss effort on hold until I can look at myself in the mirror and say, I may not be society's standard of perfect, but I am BEAUTIFUL either way. That's not to say I won't be conscious of what I eat. I'll try to resist buying a candy bar every time I pass the vending machine, but I'm going to have to be extremely aware of what I say to myself when I tell myself I can't have it. "You're already fat, fatty. You don't want to get fatter, because then even your family won't want you." That just won't work anymore. "I know you want one very badly, but you don't NEED one. Respect your body, and it will respect you." That's where I want to get to. I can't keep up the constant self-deprecation, it's ruining my life.

Today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I'm going to talk to him about adjusting my meds to the point where I don't have such drastic low swings and I can have a general sense of well-being. I was wary of changing my medicine, because it has worked so well for so long, but I just have to remember, just because it worked in the past, doesn't mean it's still working. I'm nervous, to be sure, but I just have to suck it up and dive in. I need to feel good again, at least, most of the time. On Friday I have an appointment with my therapist so she can see how today went. She thinks I might not tell the truth to the psychiatrist because she's naturally wary of such things because a lot of the time, with most people, that happens. I'm sure I didn't give off the vibes I usually do, and honestly, I was considering just not telling the doctor, because I was in such a bad mood, but I had felt that spark of creativity that comes with my depression, I could write again, I could write poetry again, I could imagine things more clearly... but none of that matters if what I write and imagine is torturous and depressing. I don't want to be creative if that means I can't be happy. I realized the other day that even though my writing was fluid and descriptive, I don't want to be a writer if that means chronic depression. What good is creativity if there's no way to enjoy it? Why would I want to be able to write depressing, sometimes suicidal poems, when that means letting sadness rule my life? It just isn't worth it. I was fine without the flow of words for so long... is it worth the sacrifice to get it back? No. Nothing is as important as feeling alive, happy, and good about myself. I don't want to slip back into that world of hiding pain and ignoring despair.

Anyway, I've decided that I'd rather risk the uncomfortable feeling of switching medicines that have worked over 4 1/2 years than spend another second in my old world. You never quite remember the extent of the feeling until you go back. I can't go back again.

I made a new friend. Her name is Caytie (correctly spelled). She's in my math class. I had a wrong first impression of her (I thought she cheated off me so I moved seats), but recently she asked me to help her study for a test and she got the same grade I did... she was sitting in front of me. Big relief there, because I really like her and her friends and even her boyfriend and mom are really nice. :) So I'm pretty pleased with how that worked out.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND COMES OUT FRIDAY!!! AHHHHHHH! *squeal* First of all, awesome story, second of all JOHNNY DEPP, and third of all, it looks like they did an AMAZING job with the special effects (Yay Cheshire Cat!!) *sigh* I'm not the type that stands in line for a movie premiere, though. I'll wait until it's been in the theatre for a while, but not so long that it goes to the $3 movie, because I want to see it with a good digital projector.

:) That's all I have to say right now. I'm going to go find something to eat. :drool5:

<3
 
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