A new beginning...(Catie's progress)

C

Caterina

New member
Hello,
those who read my introduction will know that I am not just here for the weight loss (albeit also) but I need to get my life back. I feel a bit like I had everything, I was completely happy and then I was robbed of everything because I didn't pay enough attention. Since then I have been like in a coma, asleep for 4 years, unable to come out of my shell, angry at me for being stupid enough to ruin my life and angry at the world for not being more kind, angry at my body for healing so slowly and angry at everyone else who kept telling me I was so lucky. Lucky to be alive, lucky to be able to move my legs and not having damaged my spinal cord, lucky that eventually I would be able to get back on my feet and walk.
But I didn't want to walk! I felt that I had been able to do so much more than walk and now only walking would never satisfy me!
About 9 months ago my Drs said I had healed, I had finished healing completely (my phsyiotherapy was not necessary anymore) and that I could go back to dancing (a bit), but I couldn't. I was one and a half times myself (from under 100 pounds to 150)... I wouldn't be able to face people and I wouldn't be able to face the mirrors on every wall of the gym. So I just brooded. And felt miserable. When depression had me completely in its dark hand my parents forced me to find a therapist. I had been to one for a year after the accident, but had stopped going.
She helped me so much. She made me appreciate what was around me, and I do now or at least try.
But to feel that I have the control over myself I need to make some changes and one of them is getting fit. I need to see someone beautiful when I look in a mirror to feel good with myself. And I need strength so that I can heal the wounds on my inside. And I need to be healthy to have more life.

I have started changing my food habits about a month ago and have lost 7 pounds, but today is the real new beginning... I am going to take all my courage and put on some leotards and go to a beginners dance class. It is only an intro to dancing composed of 30 minutes classes so I can leave if after 30 minutes I feel it is too much. But I am already looking for excuses not to go... I am such a sissy.
I hope it will get better with time, and that after I master one class the next won't be that hard! I still pull my left leg with me, so I am embarrassed of what people will think. A cripple that goes to dance classes? Makes no sense!

Man if I write stuff that is this long no one will want to read it... but I guess this is what my therapist meant when she said get support online, write all that stuff out so you can see it, help yourself to heal. So here I am, a new beginning, a new me.
 
Hi Cat

I can understand how you feel robbed - because you had a number of dreams that are unlikely to come true in their original form. But dreams can mature and shapeshift into new dreams - built off the same stem.

I hope that your classes have gone well - and if they have that is really good news.

Just in case there were problems - here are a couple of thoughts that you may want to mull over.

Going back to dancing is a great idea - but you may find that you are more relaxed if you initially try something different from ballet. I say this for a number of reasons.

Dancing of any type will provide exercise which can only assist in your weight control project - but will also strengthen your body - particularly those parts which have been injured.

You may feel that you are more clumsy than you actually are because you have the understanding of exactly how a movement should properly be. A true beginner would not have that expertise and would accept graciously (and get increased confidence from) the praise that a beginner gets from making a decent initial go at something. I suspect that you might not accept praise regarding ballet at face value. You might tend too much towards being a perfectionist.

Also you may be self-conscious about your size in a leotard. You mention that you are larger than a ballet dancer would expect to be.

Maybe ballet may be easier to go back to when you have dropped a few pounds (by learning another form of dancing) and possibly improved your physical abilities - especially regarding your injured leg.

You never know - you may really enjoy the other form of dancing and there may be opportunities to find fulfilment in it. Your ballet background would certainly help you master another form of dancing.

Remember - Heather Mills has a false leg - and still went on Strictly Come Dancing. I am sure that she doesnt have your dancing background. It may be something to think about!

Best wishes
Margaret
 
So I did go and I am damn proud of myself!

Thank you so much Omega for your words they were incredibly kind and I think you are right in many aspects!

I only watched the ballet class and I did not particularly like it, too many people and really crowded etc... but I did do the jazz class and I even stood in the first row and I felt amazing! Then I did the contemporary ballet class and I didn't like it as much but it was still a nice thing to do.
The best thing is that I found a new friend. She left ballet many years ago and she is interested in going back, maybe starting at level 2 or so and we will join a real school for that (not just the college dance classes). I am really happy to have someone with me and she seems lovely. I am very happy about this. I think I will join 3 classes, a jazz class, a contemporar dance class at a different school and a ballet class at a differet school. I am happy with this choice.

My food was not that brilliant today though! I had 2 toast (brown bread) for breakfast with a margarine spread and then a yoghurt and a tuna sandwich on white bread for lunch (which I had so late! At half past four). For dinner I made chilli con carne for my boyfriend, 5 friends and me, but then last minute another friend came and I gave him my portion because there was none left, so I ate about 3 bites of chilli con carne and then just some salad with a lemon dressing. I also had a cookie.
It wasn't a terrible day but not really a very good one either foodwise. Tomorrow I will have better food.
I am also thinking about going swimming tomorrow since I don't have classes and only work from 1 to 6. So I could go swimming from like 11 to 12.
I feel quite good with myself today which is nice, I have even been friendly and open (I have lately regressed to my terrible moods and locked myself away quite a bit... here I have to say that I have the most amazing boyfriend who knows how to react to this without even complaining too much!) and I feel like I can cope with the world. Yeah I think this year (school year sept-sept) will be a good one.
 
Hi

I had problems making posts when I tried earlier. I think that their server has been having problems.

I am pleased that things went well. I had a feeling that something like jazz would work well for you as a first step - and it is brilliant that you have found a kindred spirit.

It really doesnt matter too much if your food was not absolutely brilliant. As far as I can see the biggest problem was that a basic salad isnt really substantial enough as a main meal - but hey it was exceptional circumstances.

The fact is that your new target weight is (I think) only about 30 pounds away from your start weight and you have lost 7 already. Although you will want to address your weight to feel comfortable with yourself - but if you get there a day later it is never going to be the end of the world. If you focus as you appear to be doing - the rest will drop off in no time.

Your bigger problem appears to be one of feeling comfortable with yourself and others within the limitations of your body's current abilities. It seems to me that making a meal for a group of friends and dealing with an extra friend coming along was a much more important achievement for the day than sticking to a certain amount of calories with a particular balance could ever be.

And remember - everyone hits some crazy moods at times. Dont think that it is unusual - everyone else is doing it too.

Take care
Margaret
 
Brave that descibes you in one work

Wow all I can say is you have so many reasons to be proud of yourself. I am very proud of you and I just met you. You are brave on many levels that many people could only dream of. Keep up the great progress.
 
Thank you so much Omega and need2bsmaller for your comments, I even feel a little bit embarrased by so many friendly words!

The day was ok, didn0t go swimming because it was miserable and I didn't feel like it, then was on my way to the gym (first time in ages) and decided to go back home which was fortunate because my landlady was calling and she was very upset about us not paying the rent for a few months so I had to do a hundred phone calls to find out why my rent had not been paid (one of my flatmates usually takes care of it, and we gove her the money...). She even said something about legal actions so I am quite happy I didn't go to the gym, because this really couldn't wait.

My legs ache terribly and this makes me happy. I hadn't had this kind of pain for a while and I know I will have it (if I do my exercises correctly to my maximum) for a very long time (months probably at different places over my body). I like it because this is a pain I know and a pain that tells me I was working at maximum capacity. But it makes steps and stairs just a little bit more challenging ;)!

My food was a bit of a disaster, breakfast was good, just fruit and 1 piece of wholegrain toast, but then lunch was a cluster of snacks all over the day (a turkey sandwich without spread and with a slice of cheese on wholegrain bread, a few pretzels, a piece of apple, a babybel, then much later a fish finger and 3 bites of chicken and a carrot stick and a spoonful of rice...) as you can see a bit or a mess there. For dinner I had about 8 pieces of sushi. I feel completely stuffed.

Tomorrow I will go swimming or to the gym... I will decide once I am there after class. I have class until 4 and then a meeting from 7:30 to 9 so I have a lot of time to get myself to the swmming pool/gym. I bought new razors so that I can look beautiful when I go to swimming.
In the morning I have to take my babysit kids to school which is a workout in itself. I have to walk with a double buggy with about 80 pounds kids in it up and down a hill. It is about 2 miles there and then 2 miles back to bring the buggy back home before class.
Now it is sleeptime for me, only 7 hours until wake up time left!!
 
I think you are way to hard on yourself and your eating. I don't see any really unhealthy choices and I am pretty sure spliting a meal up into a bunch of little snacks is ok as far as weight loss or gain goes. It does not seem like your eating to much or making many bad choices at all when it comes to food. Don't beat yourself up over the little things :boxing:
 
Hi

It sounds like you had another really good day.

It was important that you got the business stuff done and it was really good that you are feeling that you have challenged yourself with your exercise. My legs are tired after my long walk. If you dont feel the effects - then you probably should have done more.

I agree with need2bsmaller. Your food sounds pretty good. I have been reading up about it and basically snacks appear to be the way to go. They seem to recommend eating 5 or 6 little meals instead of the standard 3 that most people think you should eat because that is how we were all brought up.

Have fun swimming - I am out walking now.

Have a good day.

Take care
Margaret
 
Good luck on your next classes. Thats great you stayed the whole time, even if you didn't like it all.

And Yay for you being in the front row and still feeling awesome. I wish I had that confidence!! You go!

You're like me with eating. I eat healthy, and sometimes still scold myself for certain things I eat.

Have A great day today!
 
Hi ya..:)

Just read your story in newcomers section..

**Big ole hugs**

So sorry for all the things that have happened. :hug2:

I have 2 sisters close to your age and your story just touches my heart.

Hang in there sweetie.

Yer on the right path to work all this out, heal, find the new you, and become fit.

I know it's hard..

I was once lil miss tiny and when my body changed I was soooo lost..

Stay positive and push forward. ;)

Have a goal reachin' day!
 
Wow so many nice comments! Thank you all!

I was so tired that I came back home fter class... but I did walk my 4 miles this morning so I feel like I have done something.
Breakfast was good, half a cheese toast and half a bowl of oats with skimmed milk and some sugar. Plus half a liter of water and a big cup of tea.
During lunch break I fought with my bank trying to pay my rent and eventually managed, but only had like 10 minutes to eat so I quickly ate a turkey sandwich and then an apple and a pack of grapes a bit later.
My dinner (I have already chosen) is a salad at a restaurant I really like. This salad is awesome, it has artichokes, and some parma ham and some mozzarella in it (apart from salad, tomatoes etc...).
My sin today was that I ate a bag of pom bears. It is only 125 cals so it isn't like a mortal sin, but still, I could have eaten an apple and felt proud of myself... instead I ate the bears ;)

I talked to my mom on the phone today. I have a really strange relationship with my family. I have a sister, Sofia, who I also don't get along with and a brother, Alessandro, who I get along fine but he was 1 when I moved away.
I always thought my parents thought I was not what they expected from a daughter. They would have liked someone more like them, who liked academics etc... and I always felt like they were not happy with my decision to audition for a school that was far away and when I got in I didn't really see much of them anymore, because I was at school all week and wouldn't go home on weekends because it was too far. And on holidays, except for christmas, there was usually some program that I had been recommended for... I have felt for 11 years that I am not really part of the family because we don't share anything.
Then after the accidents when I moved back home for my initial recovery I brought it up once, that I felt like they didn't really love me enough... or that they loved me but that I wasn't good enough for them and they cried and I cried and it was a big crying fest, and they said I was their whole pride and that they loved me more than anything and that they do not understand how I could think this when clearly they always doted more on me than on my sister and my brother.
But a relationship that has't been there for so long doesn't just appear out of nowhere. I would love to have a better relationship with them, and I am going to try (in my attempt to become someone happy) to have a better relationship with them. But in 3 years that I have been here in London again my mom has never come not even for a weekend to visit me. And my sister who I constantly invite never comes either.
Oh well, families... your own one is never quite alright but other people's ones are even worse, isn't it?
I think I am going to nap for 45 minutes because I have that meeting at 7:30 and I don't want to be this tired for it.
 
Wow I had fallen into the third page and could barely find me!!

Yesterday I also ate a mozzarella garlic bread which was amazing apart from my salad for dinner. And I had a cookie. But a small one.

Today I will walk about 6 miles once again with the babysitting children, this time to a different place. Their mom doesn't like to drive and I think this is good because one of them is already overweight and I think the exercise will do him good. It isn't nice to be overweight at only 7 years old. Yet he hasn't been bullied but I think for such a sweet soul in such a big body it won't be long before it happens!

My breakfast was alright, a yoghurt, melon and some oats with semi skimmed milk. All in all about 300 cals. I don't count them spot on, just aproximately, because I want to know if I am closer to 1000, 1500 or 2000 at the end of the day.

Now I am gonna rest a bit before a long day at work starts again.
 
Hi

I didn't find you. A lot of people must have been posting.

I looked - but couldnt see where you had got to - so thought that you hadnt posted anything.

It all looks like you are nicely in control of your food and considering what you eat; and also that you are incorporating a reasonable amount of exercise. I am sure that the weight aspects will sort themselves out very soon for you. Given time and continued focus - that will sort itself out for you.

Regarding families - the positive thing is that you want a better relationship with your family and they seem to claim to want a better relationship with you. Also that the lines of communication are open - you were on the phone the other day.

The fact is that families are normally in each other's company during the child development years. When you went away to boarding school a rift was created geographically which meant that to a certain extent you grew up without their support and they grew up without yours.

I dont know what I am talking about - but it seems to me that your parents may have experienced some level of guilt because they did not see enough of you. Indeed you were fairly young when you had your serious accident - about to graduate school if I remember - they may have some form of guilt for not protecting you (their school age child) then. Maybe they think that they should have warned you against the dangers of snow-boarding. It is the natural way for older people to be more cautious and young to not see dangers.

They may be working through their own demons.

Just because a person is over 40 - it does not mean that you are not a bundle of insecurities, hang-ups, complexes and irrational thoughts.

You say that you have a good relationship with your brother - celebrate that fact.

A lot of people seem to have difficulty getting on with a sibling. Why should you and your sister be any different? You may have matured quicker than her through being at boarding school. She may have had (or thought that she had) less freedom than you. You were away and she was under your parents control regarding who she saw, what time she was home etc.

If you want a better relationship with your family - keep the lines of communication open. It only costs 6p an hour to phone after 6pm. and it may be unfair but it may well be worth you being the one to do the visiting for a while. It saves you having to do extra housework for them coming and then having to feed them. That is my advice for what it is worth. I phone my parents every day and I have always been the one to visit them. I think that my parents have visited me maybe six times in the past 23 years - but they are pretty old now (but they werent really 23 years ago).

Anyway - take care and have a good day.

Love
Margaret
 
I had a bit of a strange day, don't feel at my very best, a bit weak and shaky. I also felt hot, then cold, then hot, then cold all day, but it wasn't like fever more like if I walked even into the kitchen I would be sweating and when I was sitting down quietly I would freeze...
Also I have had bad gas today so I know I should skip the milk. I am technically lactise intolerant, but I tried every now and then to reintroduce it, but all I get is bloating and gas... so I bought some soy milk today. That was a big step because I don't think I like soy milk all that much but I have just always refused to try it. Now I have a litre and it was quite expensive so I will drink it!
I also bought oats, with sultanas and apple, I think I will like that and a whole portion of oats with soy milk is only 150 cals!!

Tomorrow I start my babysitting marathon: I will have the kids all thursday (from12 to 8:30 when they go to bed) sleep over and then all day friday (from 6:30 am to 8:30 pm), then saturday from 12 to 6, sunday from 8 to 2, sleep over sunday night and all day monday (6:30am to 8:30pm). This will be very very tiring, but I will make enough money to take it easy afterwards. Maybe I feel faint because I know what is coming!!

My food so far (dinner is still to come and may be a salad or a real meal, we are going out with some friends), has been alright, breakkie was fruit, oats and yoghurt, lunch was a salmon bagel (yeah I know not the healthiest of choices, but a girl has got to live), then snacks were grapes, an apple, a handful of pretzels and a capri sun (orange... man I love those things!). I also had like 3 bites of meat and about 10 pastas while the kids were eating.
Then finally my biggest mistake of the day, I had a plain naked bagel just now, even though I know in about an hour I will have dinner. But I just thought it may make me feel better. Well and I popped an ibuprofen.
Oh well... it is not the end of the world but I would have really eaten an apple instead!
 
Wasn't feeling so well last night so I just had 1 slice of pizza and then 2 mugs of tea. I feel much better today and it is sunny which makes me so happy!!
I am going to have a bagel for breakfast, with a light spread on it, because I need a lot of energy.
I am thinking of going off the birth control pill. I am very happy with it (well except for this last month, because I have been having little bleeds for most of the month even though I am taking thepill religiously) because I had very bad period cramps before and they are gone now, my period is also very light and short which I love, but my depressive phase started when I started taking them and I thought it may be messing up my hormones. Also I gained a lot of weight since I started on it (probably 10 pounds), although the dr. says it is unrelated, which it might be.
I will discuss it with the nurse next week.

Food will be strange since I am on my babysitting marathon, which starts in 40 minutes. But I will try to eat with my head and not with my heart.
 
Hi Cat

Sorry that you havent been feeling so good.

You are really wise to be thinking long and hard about the pill. My specialist was certain that it was totally to blame for my PCOS. In all honesty - I wish every day that I had never gone on it (it is not like it is the only form of contraception) - but we all do things that we later regret. I bet snow-boarding falls into that category for you.

Eating with your head and not with your heart - so easy to say - so hard to do. If you can manage it while not feeling too well - congratulate yourself big time. If you slip up - forgive yourself.

I hope that the babysitting marathon goes well. At least looking after the kids will keep both your body busy (good exercise) and your mind busy (which may keep less positive thoughts at bay).

Take care
Love
Margaret
 
I hate children! Not all but definitely the 4 I babysit!!
The good thing about them: I have barely eaten anything and I have been running behind them for hours on end, I have walked over 8 miles today just to do the 2 school runs (2 kids go to one school, 2 go to another one), I have walked and run about 700 mio steps in their house and I am completely shattered.
I have not, however slept much. About 4 hours overall, because they get up at 5:30 for no apparent reason.
I am sleeping at home today because I am just not going to be able to do another night there (and their dad is there so he is doing tonight and tomorrow night).

Today I had a nice dinner at a japanese place, but all day I had only managed to eat the leftovers of 2 pancakes and half a sandwich.
Had a fight with the boyfriend because he didn't want to come out with me, because he said he was going to study and then when I called him today to ask how everything was he had decided to go out with his new class mates (he has just started a course a uni, a master's degree). I get so angry when he isn't even able to do an effort for me but to look good with his friends or whatever he does!
I don't know what to do, usually I am the weakest link and I end up apologizing (I insulted him in my anger), but I haven't answered his calls and am thinking of leaving him hanging there until maybe sunday. But then my date with him tomorrow will be screwed.
I love those people who are so strong, I usually take the easy way out.
I have 12 hours before I have to go back to hell's kitchen... also known babysitting land!
 
Ok sad note on the side, I just went to the bathroom and got two toes of my bad leg caught under the door... I dunno why, that poor leg has such bad luck!!
Now they are bloody and a bit swollen. Nothing major, but man... don't you hate those little accidents? Well I hate big ones as well!!
 
Just real quick because I should be at work like right now and I am still eating my breakfast.
I weighed myself in and I am 2 pounds heavier. This is not the end of the world and I am still proud of myself because the first step is done. I didn't expect much weight loss because I did not do any exercise this week almost and I ate almost normally.
But I have started this and I hve made a lot of changes, inside and out. I am having cereal with soy milk!! It is alright!! So that is a big change.
I have received my pills for the intestinal cleansing and re-bacteriation but my tooth is bothering me and I don't want to have to stop because of antibiotics, but if my tooth stops bothering me, I will start (if possible tomorrow).
I have made this diary and I am being very open and honest in it and very extroverted, which I hadn't been in non-virtual life lately. I think this is a first step to open myself up again outside the net as well.
I have found classes and have signed up for them and I am (nervously) looking forward to them.
I have seen and heard about people in much worse situations weight wise that have managed to lose hundreds of pounds and I am amazed and I am reassured that it will be possible.
And I have found some incredible people on here that have been soo much support and that makes me want to do it all the right way so they can be happy with me!

I know where I am having difficulties, I don't get the water intake I should and I am obviously not getting the exercise at the moment. Next week I will attempt to correct them.
 
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