Journey to Knowing

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Think I'm going back to therapy. This weird eating pattern that I insist continuing with feels like self harm in the clearest way. I know what is healthy. I lnow how to properly lose weight. I know and have done the right stuff. I cannot sustain it. I want to try cannabis oil when the dispensaries are up and running. A friend in Canada has changed her life after taking the oil. Another year and it should be legally available.

Two full days in the city in meetings. Blah. At least I'm staying in the city overnight now that we've found a way to give Peri her pain meds.
 
The airbnb isn't great. No corkscrew. One skillet and one spatula. Three forks and a spoon. A bit dirty. But, there's a deep tub. Already took two baths. Lovely.

I got my steps in today and I think I did okay at the meeting. The woman who causes me heartache holds grudges I discovered. Some guy said something mean fifteen years ago and she still refuses to work with him. She herself gave half a dozen examples. I don't understand that mentality but I don't have to.

Thinking I will go to sleep soon.
 
9 hours of sleep. The overhead light kept turning on lol. It is controlled by a remote and I think maybe something a neighbor used was activating it. Staying over is definitely the healthiest thing to do when I need to be in town and I loved having my own space instead of crashing at someone else's place.

Gonna see Endgame on my way home this evening.
 
I swept the house and cleaned all of the kitchen but the oven yesterday. Sounds simple but took a few hours. Today I finally got over whatever fear I had and put out diatomaceous earth around the house's perimeter. I wondered where my three bird friends went after I put out amdro ant pellets. Took some indepth googling but discovered the poisen kills birds within 24 hours. So I basically killed my little bird friends. And the squirrels aren't around either but amdro isn't supposed to kill them. Probably does. I over did the applied today but the rain just started so should even things out. It will rain for four days and then I'll reapply.

My neighbor who allows her dogs to run free is back home after a month of being away. The energy shift is palpable.

Gonna attempt a long trail tomorrow after ww. I've got food and water packed. I haven't registered my emergency beacon but I may do that tonight. The last time I tried the website was down.

Off to do some work.
 
Going camping for two nights June 2 & 3. Going w someone who hasn't camped and she has a lot of...not limitations....but boundaries around food and eco stuff. I've discovered banana leaf can be used as a replacement to aluminum foil. Who knew. So I'm trying to plan a menu with no gluten, all organic nongmo, and maybe meatless for her. I love cooking on wood fires so it's all good.
 
Here's my initial menu. I've got to talk to the other person. Pulled out my tent today. A bit of mildew on the footprint. I'm pretty upset at myself.

Sunday Supper
Chicken & veges cooked in banana leaf
Sweet potatoes
Cinnamon apple in banana leaf

Monday Breakfast
Egg/vege omlet banana leaf bowl (meat?)
Strawberry/banana pancakes

Monday Supper
Taco salad w quac and mango salsa
Beans
Baked peaches

Tuesday Breakfast
Sweet potato hashbrowns
Fried eggs
Fresh orange juice
Pancake orange peel cups in banana leaf

Peri goes in for bloodwork and nail trim tomorrow. I'm interviewing new petsitter Friday. Found several very large beer cans in my garbage can from last week. Not happy about that and several other things. A little apprehensive about asking for my key back.
 
Went camping with my former psychiatrist this weekend. The weekend went well. We hiked our own hikes Sunday. Me the lower loop of an 'easy' trail and she did both loops. Monday she hiked a difficult trail and I hung out at the campsite collecting firewood and getting prep done for dinner. I was under my sleeping bag for about three hours that morning shivering. It was 80° by noon. I'm guessing it was discharge on several levels. My mom died a few weeks ago and this is the safest and most peaceful I have felt in my life. That alone is difficult to process. Then coupled with being on the trip with my former therapist, I had a lot going on internally. Monday after supper we hiked a mile up trail with our camping chairs and sat in the middle of the synchronized fireflies until midnight. I fell out of my chair. That was funny. On the hike down, I fell on a rock scramble. That wasn't as funny but no major damage done. My balance has been atrocious of late. The arthritis in my right ankle and planter fasciitis in my left are flaring. But the weekend was overall enjoyable and I love my new tent and backpack. I've donated two tents and two backpacks plus other stuff to scouts. Paring down to only what I use.

No idea of my weight. It's probably in 270s. I see the doctor Monday so we'll see.
 
It sounds like you are doing fairly well overall. I'm glad your weekend was a good one & that you are getting out and about in nature. It's a very healing thing to do. I'm sure the scouts would have been grateful for your donated goods.
 
Hello, Crowfeather. :) The hiking you do sounds wonderful, especially the fireflies. That sounds magical.
I'm sorry for your loss of your mother.
 
Both my feet are now having extreme, knee bending pain. When it was one, no big deal. I'm grateful to have the doctor's appointment Monday. It's just a bp checkup but definitely going to discuss the increasing pain, the increased frequency of falls, and starting working out next week w a personal trainer.

Sunday is dedicated to getting everything done here at home. I was in the car all day again today.

Feeling good and bad. Plenty of opportunity to connect and meet new people. Not feeling capable but I'm tired of not feeling capable so may just say f*#k it.
 
I hope the doctor's visit clears things up re: the foot pain and balance problems, or at the least, is the start of getting that cleared up.
 
279.4 w shoes and clothes etc.

I dreamt I blew up a market in Saudi Arabia. No reason to do it. No real malicious intent. Then I was on trial in a NY airport, most likely JFK. It was a foregone conclusion that I would be flown back to the middle east to be beheaded. I saw Mariska Hargitay on my way to the trial day 2 and told her I wouldn't be on set any longer. I had a lawyer but he was focused on his holiday with his wife and left early. Nice guy though. We were all sitting at old bowling alley tables where score was kept and displayed on big boards overhead.

Any way. That was my morning. I think after this appointment is over I'm going to go pick up my laptop and go home. I just can't deal with work today. In reality, I can't deal with much of anything.
 
CrowFeather said:
279.4 w shoes and clothes etc.

I dreamt I blew up a market in Saudi Arabia. No reason to do it. No real malicious intent. Then I was on trial in a NY airport, most likely JFK. It was a foregone conclusion that I would be flown back to the middle east to be beheaded. I saw Mariska Hargitay on my way to the trial day 2 and told her I wouldn't be on set any longer. I had a lawyer but he was focused on his holiday with his wife and left early. Nice guy though. We were all sitting at old bowling alley tables where score was kept and displayed on big boards overhead.

Any way. That was my morning. I think after this appointment is over I'm going to go pick up my laptop and go home. I just can't deal with work today. In reality, I can't deal with much of anything.
Click to expand...

:eek:
 
Wowsers, G! I have awful nightmares sometimes & they are often very weird. I usually feel unsettled for the rest of the day. Take care of yourself.
 
Made an appointment w a psychologist for next Thursday. My psychiatrist was firmly against pharmaceuticals but I'm thinking it may not be a horrible thing. Correcting chem balances or numbing out, either way I'll be able to function better most likely. Struggle builds strength but sometimes not struggling is more important.

My boy cat has been sick all day. Hoping he didn't eat the milk cap ring. Can't find it and he threw up two meals. His tummy is softening up i think and he kept down a small supper.

In office tomorrow. But don't have to leave until 530am. I also got actual work done today. Eating is off but not horribly. Expecting to be told there will be extensive changes w my department.

The psychologist on the phone today said when under stress, we regress. I'm pretty proud of hanging on to my progress overall w all the changes.
 
Seems I may have tendonitis in my foot. Two weeks to get in to see the specialist. 'Try to stay off of it,' was my instruction from the nurse.
 
:( Sometimes rest is the best cure, I guess. I hope you can still manage to get some outdoorness/exercise - maybe swimming?
 
I hope so! The nurse suggested advil over tylenol which the last podiatrist told me to take. The area is a lot less painful today. I'll try to stay off of it through monday. But I'm having a watch party for one of the presidential candidates Saturday so gotta clean my house.

Btw my cc info was stolen off of a clothing retailer's website last week. Thieves tried to charge hundreds of dollars at Nordstrom yesterday. Luckily my bank alerted me and card was cancelled.
 
When i go back to Walmart I will use the scooters. I was walking from the back of the store ad couldn't put weight on my foot at all. The pain was excruciating.
 
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